Jerusalem: Israeli non-profit Nefesh B’Nefesh is speaking out today to denounce published reports that every woman who made Aliyah in 2017 was named Rachel or Sarah. Or Sara. Or Rakhel. Or Rochel. Or Racheli…. Anyhoo, they are not happy about that rumor and are now setting the record straight.
“This is just ridiculous.” admonished Sarah B., a Nefesh B’Nefesh spokesperson from the Jerusalem office. “You really shouldn’t believe everything you hear.It’s like you’re totally ignoring the Leahs. And the Devorahs. And the Devorah Leahs.”
In order to get all sides of the story, the Daily Freier reached out to members of the local community to get their take on this important story.
“That just doesn’t even make any sense.” mused Rachel S. as she walked her dogs on Bograshov Street. “Like how do people come up with this stuff?”
Tel Aviv, HaKirya: Responding to published reports, the IDF acknowledged the existence of a previously secret unit: an Olah Hadashah Code Talking unit. Inspired by the famed Navajo Code Talkers of World War II who confused the Japanese Army by speaking in a dialect known only to members of their tribe, there is now a unit comprised specifically of women who have recently immigrated from North America. And Operation Yeleda Lavana has so far been an amazing success, confusing and confounding Israel’s enemies. The Daily Freier was able to somehow secure press credentials and sit in on a Press Conference at the Kirya.
IDF Spokesperson Elad L. explained that despite the natural talents of the recruits, extra training was provided by experts in not being understood in Hebrew, to include Israeli Basketball legend Tal Brody. When asked why there was not a Code Talker unit of Olim Hadashim, Elad explained that there was only so many times that one can say “Bro” in a radio conversation before it loses its meaning. Finally, Elad played an excerpt of an actual radio exchange from the team.
Operator 1: Gimmel Matayim Shalosh? Zot Rachel, Wait, I mean Aleph Arbaim ve Shmonay.
Operator 2:Lo shamati. Lo shamati.
Operator 1: Eych omrim command post?
Operator 2 (whispering):OMG my mefaked is So. Hot.
Unknown Male Voice:Pardon me you Zionist She-Jackals. This is Ali. You know, from Hezbollah. I am sorry to interrupt but I must correct your use of future tense with the Peh-Gronit. You appear to be using the incorrect Binyan in your conversation. It is incredibly difficult for me to even follow this dialogue, and I respectfully ask that you stick to Standard Modern Hebrew. Again, I apologize for the interruption to your hegemonic Zionist conversation. Please continue.
Operator 1: Aval like Lo hevanti?
Elad admitted that Operation Yeleda Lavana experienced a work stoppage this week after the sushi place on Ibn Gavriol stopped delivering.
Tel Aviv, Yirmiyahu- As life in the city of Tel Aviv slowly grinds to a halt in preparation for the solemn occasion of Yom Kippur, loyal readers of the popular site “Secret Tel Aviv” are scrambling to find a way to support one anothers’ need to make snap judgements on other people while also asking total strangers completely off the wall questions. To this end, a number of readers have banded together and promised to take advantage of the total lack of traffic in order to wander the streets giving unsolicited advice to random passersby and asking other people questions seemingly pulled out of a hat.
Unfortunately, not everyone on the site seems to be on the same sheet of music. Secret Tel Aviv regular Matti C. was somewhat confused by all of the activity and planning. “Wait…..so there’s something going on tomorrow? OMG I need to get on Secret Tel Aviv and find out tomorrow’s bus schedule.”
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.