Jerusalem: The nation plunged further into crisis today as the Knesset’s precious Fax Machine room was vandalized, forcing the seat of government to close until further notice. Thousands of Israelis gathered outside the Knesset to protest the ruling Coalition’s proposed changes to the Judicial system, and some breached police barricades. As Security Guards worked frantically to expel the intruders, several protesters entered the Fax Room and wreaked havoc on this vital communications hub for Startup Nation. You see, the Fax Machine remains a vital workhorse in Israel. The Daily Freier sent documents to the Tax Authority via Fax in 2019 because our accountant warned us that “They don’t actually read their emails.” So Yeah, this was a big deal. The Daily Freier rushed to the scene to make sense of this Tragedy.
“We’ve lost everything.” lamented a Knesset Information Technician named Boaz. “We rely on these faxes for everything.” Boaz continued as he surveyed a room full of broken ink cartridges and spools of unfurled fax paper. “This is how Mr. Netanyahu finds out what kind of mood Sara is in before his Security Team escorts him home. This is how Mr. Deri’s Parole Officer would arrange their next appointment. This is how Ms. Zandberg used to order her …uhhh…cookie ingredients.“
The Daily Freier asked Boaz if there was any workaround to prevent a paralysis of government at this crucial moment in Israeli history. Boaz leaned in closely and lowered his voice. “This hasn’t been released to the public.” Boaz intoned solemnly. “But right now we are sending out vital messages via Moshe Gafni’s Kosher phone, Noa Kirel’s Instagram, and Yair Netanyahu’s Twitter feed.“
As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Boaz was desperately trying to hook up a computer to a monitor and stopped to ask us if we had a Boot Disc for Windows 95.
Jerusalem: Israel’s Anglo community was rocked to its core yesterday after a team of Turkish Islamist hackers took down their website for much of the afternoon and evening, forcing its loyal readers to stop trolling each other in the comments section until well past 9 PM. Times of Israel spokesperson Danny C. explained.
Yet with today’s tragedy also come tales of heroism. The Jerusalem Post’s Web Designers and IT Department are being hailed as modern-day Maccabees after their clunky and confusing web interface frustrated the hacker’s attempts to take down J-Post. The Daily Freier was able to speak via Skype to a hacker going by the name “Cenk”.
“We really wanted to take down all of the news sites of you Zionist dogs, no offense.” explained Cenk. “The Times, Jerusalem Post, Haaretz….. actually Haaretz can stay. Anyways, once we were inside of J-Post’s site, we could do nothing. I mean, none of our guys are familiar with Windows 95 or WordPerfect. We just feel like total failures right now.”
When the Daily Freier asked Cenk why we weren’t hacked, he told us that while we were also “idiot Zionists“, our web traffic numbers “just couldn’t justify the time and effort.”
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.