Tag: Tamar Zandberg

Israeli Politics, Start Up Nation

Israel in Crisis: Protesters Destroy Knesset’s Fax Machines

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/27/2023 at 8:30 PM

Jerusalem: The nation plunged further into crisis today as the Knesset’s precious Fax Machine room was vandalized, forcing the seat of government to close until further notice. Thousands of Israelis gathered outside the Knesset to protest the ruling Coalition’s proposed changes to the Judicial system, and some breached police barricades. As Security Guards worked frantically to expel the intruders, several protesters entered the Fax Room and wreaked havoc on this vital communications hub for Startup Nation. You see, the Fax Machine remains a vital workhorse in Israel. The Daily Freier sent documents to the Tax Authority via Fax in 2019 because our accountant warned us that “They don’t actually read their emails.” So Yeah, this was a big deal. The Daily Freier rushed to the scene to make sense of this Tragedy.

“We’ve lost everything.” lamented a Knesset Information Technician named Boaz. “We rely on these faxes for everything.” Boaz continued as he surveyed a room full of broken ink cartridges and spools of unfurled fax paper. “This is how Mr. Netanyahu finds out what kind of mood Sara is in before his Security Team escorts him home. This is how Mr. Deri’s Parole Officer would arrange their next appointment.  This is how Ms. Zandberg used to order her …uhhh…cookie ingredients.“

The Daily Freier asked Boaz if there was any workaround to prevent a paralysis of government at this crucial moment in Israeli history. Boaz leaned in closely and lowered his voice. “This hasn’t been released to the public.” Boaz intoned solemnly. “But right now we are sending out vital messages via Moshe Gafni’s Kosher phone, Noa Kirel’s Instagram, and Yair Netanyahu’s Twitter feed.“

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Boaz was desperately trying to hook up a computer to a monitor and stopped to ask us if we had a Boot Disc for Windows 95.

 

Israeli Politics

Top ten reasons the Porcupine walked into Knesset bathroom

The world is in crisis: riots in the streets of America and Europe, escalation in Syria, a potential diplomatic crisis concerning the Annexation Bill. So it’s at times like these that we can truly count on the Jerusalem Post to deliver the hard-hitting news, like….ummm….. a porcupine that walked into the Knesset bathroom. Anyhoo, the Daily Freier followed up on this story and went places that the Jerusalem Post was too scared or not bored enough to go. That’s right, we talked to the porcupine (which wasn’t easy because unlike us, it completed Ulpan Kita Gimel). So behold: the Top Ten Reasons why the porcupine was in the Knesset public restroom.

1. I saw Amir Peretz without his mustache and got scared.

2. In here, nobody can ask me to join their stupid Zoom meeting.

3.  Sara Netanyahu is starting to yell at The Help and this looked like a good place to hide.

4.  I wanted to use the bathroom on the second floor but Ayman Odeh said that it was “Occupied”.

5. Tamar Zandberg gave me something called a “space cookie”. Now the walls are talking & I’m seeing double.

6. Go ahead and tell me a more interesting thing to do in Jerusalem.

7. Apparently, I’m also a Minister in Bibi’s cabinet now.

8. Was just trying to find where Ice Cube kept his amazing theories.

9. Bezalel Smotrich told me to meet him here and not to tell anybody.

10. Benny Gantz was giving a speech on the Knesset Floor and I kept falling asleep.

Israeli Politics

First Time Ever! Meretz now campaigning east of Ayalon Highway!

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/27/2019 at 4:00 PM

Givatayim: In a move being described as “Bold”, and “Game-Changing”, the Meretz Party has begun campaigning for votes East of Tel Aviv’s Ayalon Highway. The Kinda Lefty party, long known for absolutely dominating entire Tel Aviv neighborhoods, has decided that a good way to campaign in a national Israeli election is to go out and talk to people who live in…. Israel. The Daily Freier caught up with Meretz volunteers Assaf and Dalit as they wandered around Givatayim handing out literature.

“It’s time that Meretz reached out to the Periphery.” said Assaf. “We need to find the people who live in Distant Settlements like here in Givatayim, and who knows, maybe even Ramat Gan!”

The Daily Freier asked Assaf and Dalit just what precipitated this unorthodox move by Meretz.

“The 2015 Election was just such a shock.” Dalit explained. “I mean, nobody I know voted for Bibi, so how could he win? It made no sense. But then we thought, wow, maybe there are people who live in other neighborhoods. And maybe we could, I don’t know, talk to them. Crazy, right?”

Assaf talked about just how difficult the process has been to work in a new environment. “I can’t find Haaretz anywhere, and I just saw this guy walking around with a weird cap on his head. I think it’s called a….wait….I know this…..”

“A Kippah?” offered the Daily Freier helpfully

“Yes! That’s it! A Kippah! But I think we’re really making progress.”

Dalit then described other challenges they face trying to expand the reach of Meretz. “Last week Assaf and I did some amazing outreach in Holon. We must have signed up 50 people to our e-mail list. But then on Shabbat, Tamar made these very…. special…. brownies and now I can’t remember where I put my clipboard with all the names.”

As we got up to leave, Assaf asked us if we had any rolling papers.

#IsraelToTheMoon, Start Up Nation

Top Ten Surprises from Israel’s Moon Base

  1. Non-stop Matkot Games really ruined the vibe at Sea of Tranquility.
  2. Monthly resupply shuttle delayed again by Waze.
  3. Sarah Tuttle-Singer’s heartwarming blog posts about the juice guy at the Space Shuk.
  4. Mechitza running down the middle of the Geodesic Dome is really inconvenient.
  5. Astronaut burns out satellite-relay after calling her mom in Hadera 6 times in one day.
  6. Code Red Emergency after Fax Machine runs out of paper.
  7. Patrol still missing 2 days after leaving perimeter “to find the moon’s best hummus place”.
  8. Can somebody do something about these annoying electric lunar scooters?
  9. Tamar Zandberg sure is spending a lot of time in the greenhouse module.
  10. Nobody knows when Shabbat ends.
4:20, Israeli Politics

“So how did you think we got all our great ideas?” Meretz defends pot smoking MK’s

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/30/2018 at 3:30 PM

The Yafo Flea Market: Meretz is striking back forcefully against a recently re-visited Government Ethics Panel from 4 years ago forbidding their Knesset Members from smoking cannabis. The Jerusalem Post reported that Tamar Zandberg, a MK for Israel’s In-No-Way-Out-In-Left-Field Meretz Party, was admonished that she could not smoke weed because:

a) it’s against the law

b) she’s like a lawmaker and stuff

But if you think our friends at Meretz were going to simply roll over and give up, well, you’re wrong. The Party issued a stern rebuttal to the Ethics Committee, signed by all of their MK’s, and delivered at a Press Conference this afternoon at the Yafo Flea Market.

“This so-called ruling by the Quote Unquote Ethics Committee is totally unjust.” admonished Meretz spokesperson Danny C.  “This ruling deprives our party of some of our best idea generating sessions. I mean, just last night we were only one or two bong-hits away from truly solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.”

Danny continued. “Also, after a marathon 12 spliff session on Tuesday, we came up with a solution to Greater Tel Aviv’s sky-high rental costs which was just brilliant! ….The trouble is, the next morning was “Group Cleanup Day” at our communal apartment on Sheinkin, and now we can’t find the pizza box where we drew the diagrams for all the geodesic domes, houseboats, and rooftop yurts. Wait, do you know what day the Garbageman comes? We might be able to find it in the Green bins next to the curb.”

The Daily Freier asked Danny just how long Meretz has been doing…. ummm…. ‘enhanced brainstorming”, and he replied that it’s been “like years and years”  since this has been the case. “In 2014, the Party drafted a 5-Point Resolution to better integrate Israel’s Arab minority, but by the time we got back from Midburn, we realized that we’d left the manifesto at the campsite in the blue IKEA bag that also held our bamba and glow-sticks.”

Danny then reached under the podium to get the Party’s latest press release on increasing voter participation, only to find that he’d misplaced it. But he was positive that it contained the following phrases: “It worked in Holland“, “commune in the Arava“, “windmill“, and “hemp seeds“.