Doha: In a move described by Gulf Insiders as World-Class Gamesmanship and 3-D Chess, Qatar’s Emir Tamim bin Hamad bin Khalifa Al Thani pulled his hand out of Tucker Carlson‘s butt for 5 minutes this morning. “This sort of work is exhausting.” explained a Palace Insider on condition of anonymity. “Think of this as a ‘Self Care’ regimen for Royalty….everybody needs a break sometimes.”
Qatar’s relationship with Tucker Carlson has been described by some critics as “more puppetry than that Being John Malkovich movie.” Yet Mr. Carlson has taken this criticism in stride. In fact, he generously joined the Daily Freier for a video chat from his Doha hotel room. “Some people say that I’m an Opportunist. But Fox News fired me in 2023, and my fishing lodge is not going to pay for itself.” Tucker Carlson paused for a moment and stared into the distance. “Strangely enough, that’s about the time I decided I don’t like Israel anymore. Crazy, huh?”
In the coming days we will be informed that we need to celebrate a certain Holiday. A holiday called “Chanukah”. Spinning tops, fried food, some presents. What’s not to like? And that’s EXACTLY how the people who packaged this so-called Holiday want you to think. Because their Greatest Fear is that YOU, the American People, will “peek behind the curtain.” Start asking Questions. Start doing your OWN research about what ACTUALLY happens BEHIND the scenes at the Chanukah Lobby. And that FEAR on their part tells you more than any slickly produced Infomercial about “The Festival of Lights”. So let’s look at the facts.
There’s a King named Antiochus. A Strong Leader from Syria that some Jews don’t like. Sound familiar? What EVIL plots does this man Antiochus want to hatch upon the Jews? War? Famine? Genocide??? No, Antiochus wants to encourage physical fitness in Greek Gymnasiums. Some of the people there exercise naked. Not my idea of a Saturday night, but what do I know? But this offends some powerful Jews. And these powerful Jews with names like “Mattathias” and “Judah Maccabee” don’t like being offended.
So how do these easily offended Jewish powerbrokers react? Do they call for dialogue? Do they look for common ground? No, they embark on another Israel-inspired regime change war in the Middle East. They don’t claim to have a Mandate to pursue this war… and No Honest person suggests they COULD get one. Because the people who actually WANTED this war never actually admitted their true agenda: Ending Religious Pluralism in the Holy Land. No longer can you sacrifice a pig in the “Holy of the Holies”. But why not? Was there a vote that I missed? No, because that would have exposed the TOTAL UNWILLINGNESS of the people PUSHING this war to find a peaceful solution. They knew they could not win the debate honestly. So they changed the premise. Now we’re talking about armored Syrian war elephants. WAR ELEPHANTS!!! It would be absurd if wasn’t so serious.
But that’s the Agenda that was forced upon us by an unaccountable cabal of powerful forces. So how do they justify this power grab? They find some oil. And that oil lasts a really long time apparently. I mean, Case Closed, right?
This weekend when you’re “chowing down” on a jelly doughnut you need to ask yourself: “Who wants me to eat this doughnut? And why do they so DESPERATELY want me to eat it without asking questions?”
Tune in next week when I explore healthy Middle Eastern diets by tossing The Emir of Qatar’s salad.
Today we are going to look at a Holiday that we THINK we know about. A Holiday that (((they))) they TELL us is about the Fall Harvest and the Exodus from Egypt. Sounds nice, doesn’t it? Families sitting down together, good food, maybe a little wine. But what’s going on beneath the surface? Most Americans have no IDEA about the ACTUAL intention of this so-called festival, and they would be com-PLETE-ly shocked if they were ever allowed to see the real picture. Because we are not allowed to question Sukkot in any way. Full Stop. Journalists who ask too many questions about Sukkot are warned, quietly at first, to back off. Then they’re warned not-so-quietly. It’s hard to overstate just how BADLY that certain forces do NOT want us talking about “Sukkot”. AT ALL. What they’re worried about is that someone somewhere will begin asking questions. Questions that they DESPERATELY don’t want to answer. But today, WE are asking the questions. And we want answers.
Certain Powerful Lobbies tell us with a straight face that this so-called Sukkah is just a booth in a field. But why is there only three walls? What did they do with the other wall? I MYSELF find it interesting that this wall is missing, don’t you? What did they do with the other wall? Was it asking too many questions about Bibi Netanyahu? Did it criticize AIPAC? Again, I’m only asking questions. Questions that some forces find extremely uncomfortable.
In addition, Americans have grown so accustomed to being lied to that they don’t even QUESTION a fruit that looks like a bizarre giant lemon with bad acne. They tell you it’s an “Etrog”. But do you really believe them? What happened to the regular lemons? Did they just “GO AWAY” one day? Or were they told to go away if they knew what’s good for them? These are the kinds of open psychological operations that THEY are currently conducting on YOU. Like the Lulav. It’s a palm frond wrapped with willow. THAT’S a little strange, isn’t it? But then they point it in every direction. Almost like they’re showing you all of the places under their influence. Again, you’re not supposed to have any questions about this.
There is so much more to share with you about this disturbing “Holiday”, but Qatar’s weekly check hasn’t cleared yet and my next fishing cabin in Montana isn’t going to just purchase itself. Tune in next week when we go behind the scenes at a Matzoh factory and discover their secret ingredient.
The Daily Freier spent the last four years dunking on Biden and his team of Woke Dorks to the point where some folks questioned our impartiality. But deep in our hearts we knew that with the Return of the Donald, we would be in our Salad Days of new Mishigas every day, and Team Trump did not disappoint. That’s right, Team Trump shared classified War Plans for Yemen in a group chat and then accidentally added journalist Jeffrey Goldberg. Thank You, Mr. Trump! Here’s to Four More Years of waking up each morning with Superior Content to share with you, our loyal readership. So without further ado, behold: “Team Trump’s Top Ten Excuses for Classified Leak on Group Chat”!
1. “sleepyjoesux” is not in fact a secure password.
2. Wait, that guy on the chat wasn’t Goldberg the Wrestler?
3. Thought we’d be safe using Ivanka’s kosher phones.
4. The Qataris assured Steve Witkoff that you can safely send classified documents on these phones.
5. The hookers in Pete Hegseth’s hotel suite spilled tequila and glitter on the Secure Telephones.
6. Our IT guy got his degree from Trump University.
7. Tulsi wore that black crop top to work again and we lost our train of thought.
8. Elon Baby Mama Drama.
9. We just wanted to play “Houthi and the Blowfish” on Spotify.
10. Difficult to focus with all the loud davening at Trump Yeshiva.
Lately Ismail Haniyeh and Khaled Mashal have been threatening to leave their comfy lair in Qatar, which is a respected actor on the world stage that is definitely NOT a giant gas station/television studio providing aid and comfort to a bunch of psychotic murderers from the 7th century. So yeah… apparently the big machers at Hamas have ants in their pants and their boots are made for walking and…. we’ve lost our train of thought. Anyhoo, Behold! The Top Ten reasons Hamas wants to leave Qatar!
1. John Cusack keeps sexting us.
2. The Kiddush Club here is just one big clique.
3. We want to move to a less Western city like maybe Dearborn.
4. Jeremy found us an amazing sublet in Islington near the Tube.
5. Doha’s Gharqad trees made some very catty comments about my wife’s clothes.
6. Last week we almost got trapped in a taxicab with Thomas Friedman.
7. Tired of making small talk with Martin Indyk at the Al Jazeera company picnic.
8. Just landed a job next Semester teaching Ethics at Columbia.
9. Yesterday I sneezed in the Hotel elevator and the Bellhop said “Lebriut”.
10. My friends in Dublin just elected me to City Council.
Doha, Qatar: With today’s resumption of fighting, Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh issued a defiant statement from his hotel suite’s breakfast nook. “Today I am calling for more martyrs! With Blood and Fire we will Liberate Al Aqsa!” Mr. Haniyeh emphatically shouted while picking at his poached eggs and salmon. “I am also calling on the Four Seasons Hotel to send more tea and pastries to room 342!From the River to the Sea, I hate cold tea!“
The Daily Freier asked Mr. Haniyeh how the Struggle for Palestine had been affecting him personally. “Every day we are faced with challenges put forth by the Zionist Entity!” Haniyeh complained as a member of his entourage poured him more fresh squeezed orange juice from a large carafe on the drinks cart. “I tried to get a hamburger at 10:30 PM last night but Room Service had the impudence to inform me that the line cook had just gone home and that they only had pizza.”
We then helpfully added that perhaps Ismail’s hotel did not have hamburgers because Ahed Tamimi ate all of them. Mr. Haniyeh thoughtfully scratched his head for a moment. “You raise an excellent point. The Sister Ahed had a very strong appetite in the Zionist jail. She volunteered to fight from our tunnels in Gaza, but our food supplies could not support her Resistance and we had to say no.”
As the Daily Freier ended our conversation with Mr. Haniyeh, he asked us to find the maid and request more towels and some of those tasty pillow mints.
OMG that news site funded by Qatar is giving out some sick burns today! Yassss! I mean, I thought Al-Jazeera was woke, but their kid brother AJ+ is Wokety Woke Woker than Woke! Yeah! I love how they expose just how horribly racist America is and….Wait, you say their country is run with imported slave labor from India and Africa? That doesn’t even make any sense. I mean, slavery??? In Qatar??? Oh please. Let me guess, you found that on one of your Zionist NeoCon sites like….ummm….The Guardian? OK, so let’s change the subject.
OK so where were we? Oh yeah, the Qatari Government that funds AJ+ and Al Jazeera is totally speaking Truth to Power and standing up to Hate and hold on….. funding Hamas? So who complained about it? Probably some Zionist group like AIPAC or Stand With Us or wait a minute….. Saudi Arabia? Again, this conversation is starting to make me uncomfortable.
Whatever. Say what you will, but AJ+ has NEVER stopped passionately advocating for Syrian refugee and how they have been treated by racist Europeans! I mean, Qatar was so busy advocating for Syrian refugees at the height of the crisis that they didn’t have time to actually, like, take in any Syrian refugees. But that’s a small price to pay for finely honed advocacy. I mean, AJ+ and its pointed critiques of American immigration issues are really shaking things up! Especially when you consider that only 12% of the people who live in Qatar have citizenship. Oh and that, uh, in Qatar, if your dad wasn’t a citizen, you’ll never be a citizen! But come on! They’re hosting the World Cup in 2022! And besides, AJ+ keeps shining the light of truth on how the West treats its marginalized communities. Which is kinda impressive when you think of it, since being gay in Qatar is a criminal offense.
Doha: In a move described by Gulf Insiders as World-Class Gamesmanship and 3-D Chess, Qatar’s Emir Tamim bin Hamad bin Khalifa Al Thani pulled his hand out of Tucker Carlson‘s butt for 5 minutes this morning. “This sort of work is exhausting.” explained a Palace Insider on condition of anonymity. “Think of this as a ‘Self Care’ regimen for Royalty….everybody needs a break sometimes.”
