Category: Hamas

IDF Finds Hamas Tunnel Under Ilhan Omar’s Gaza Daycare Center

“Some People Leared Something”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2 January 2026 at 2:35 PM

Rafah: Combat Engineers working in concert with elements of the Golani Brigade announced the discovery of a Hamas Tunnel under the City’s “Quality Learing Center“. The Daycare Center is part of a franchise operated by Representative Ilhan Omar (Democrat-Mogadishu) that receives funding from the State of Minnesota and has been open since 2021. The Daily Freier reported from today’s IDF Conference about the discovery.

Our troops were forced to move slowly, as we overestimated the number of Hamas terrorists in the tunnels.”  explained IDF Spokesman Captain Ron C. “You see, our Intelligence Unit counted both Ilhan Omar’s ‘husbands’ and ‘brothers’ without understanding that there’s a bit of overlap. But the lack of any actual kids in the Daycare Center made the operation easier.”

Representative Omar reacted swiftly to the accusations, writing on Twitter “Israel has hypnotized the world, may Allah awaken the people and help them see the evil doings of Israel.” (Haha! Just kidding! But not really!)

For his part, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz blamed the political fallout over the tunnels on “White Supremacy.” (Haha, just kidding again! But not really!)

Music fans were relieved to learn that famed musician/activist/dick Roger Waters emerged unhurt from the tunnel.

 

Ismail Haniyeh: A Eulogy by Jeremy Corbyn

On Wednesday I awoke to the horrible news that the man I had once invited for Tea at the House of Commons was now dead, another victim of Zionist Aggression. My dear friend Ismail Haniyeh was killed in Tehran, and I am Literally Shattered. (Side Note: Whomever sent me the so called “meme” of Mr. Haniyeh being hit by a “Love missile going straight to the heart” like some middling 1980’s power ballad, let me reiterate: That Is Not Funny.)  When the pundits offered temporary “Band Aid” Solutions to the Crisis in Palestine, what my friend Ismail offered were Solutions. Solutions that were in fact rather Final.

Yet Ismail’s breadth of knowledge and expertise never ceased to amaze me. I will never forget the time I invited him to our Islington Gardening Allotment’s “Compost for Palestine” Gala. Mr. Haniyeh showed an interest in our gardens that left me quite chuffed. In fact, he wandered the garden intently studying the rocks and the trees. He said that if you listened closely, they would speak to you. Now this is a message of Environmental Stewardship that many in Government would be wise to emulate. Yet for some reason, Ismail seemed adamant that we never plant any gharqad trees, an eccentric behavior that I simply took in stride.

I will miss our outings to watch football together, especially when we cheered whichever team was playing Tottenham that day.  He even taught us a traditional Palestinian Football Chant entitled “Khaybar Khaybar Ya Yahud.” It was quite catchy.

As much as I want to putter around the flat today and sulk, there is work to be done. Mr. Haniyeh would want us to be strong. He would also want us to send him money in increments smaller than 10,000 U.S. Dollars via those nice gentlemen at the Finsbury Park Mosque. Today I shall search for the proper wreath to send to Doha in honor of Mr. Haniyeh.

Goodbye Dear Friend.

Top Ten Reasons Hamas Wants to Leave Qatar

(photo credit:Wikimedia Commons)

Lately Ismail Haniyeh and Khaled Mashal have been threatening to leave their comfy lair in Qatar, which is a respected actor on the world stage that is definitely NOT a giant gas station/television studio providing aid and comfort to a bunch of psychotic murderers from the 7th century. So yeah… apparently the big machers at Hamas have ants in their pants and their boots are made for walking and…. we’ve lost our train of thought. Anyhoo, Behold! The Top Ten reasons Hamas wants to leave Qatar!


1. John Cusack keeps sexting us.

2. The Kiddush Club here is just one big clique.

3. We want to move to a less Western city like maybe Dearborn.

4. Jeremy found us an amazing sublet in Islington near the Tube.

5. Doha’s Gharqad trees made some very catty comments about my wife’s clothes.

6. Last week we almost got trapped in a taxicab with Thomas Friedman.

7. Tired of making small talk with Martin Indyk at the Al Jazeera company picnic.

8. Just landed a job next Semester teaching Ethics at Columbia.

9. Yesterday I sneezed in the Hotel elevator and the Bellhop said “Lebriut”.

10. My friends in Dublin just elected me to City Council.

Nightmare: Someone just brought a Guitar to the Bomb Shelter

“Anyone like Wonderwall?”

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/15/2021 at 6:30 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: OK, so this is going to be a LONG night. I mean, Hamas promised they would attack between Midnight and 2 AM, and in the past couple of days their on-time rate has been a lot better than most Israeli companies. But the shelter in the building is kind of nice. There are some kids playing. Someone brought their dog! Also, there’s the hot girl from the second floor. This isn’t too bad!

Huh, what’s this? Oh no. Oh no no no. That guy just showed up. With a guitar. Wait, is this the one who was expelled from Hebrew Union College after he failed guitar class?” HaShem help us.

I just told him that I refuse to sing along to Wonderwall. But those guitar chords he’s doing write now…. They sound familiar. Oh no. I think he’s trying to play Stairway to Heaven. Badly.

Maybe if I cause some sort of commotion, it will make him stop. Here, let me jostle the broken futon in the corner that someone abandoned here 20 years ago. Maybe that will end this cycle of violence.

Wait, I think he’s moved on to John Mayer. I hate you Guitar Man. I really Hate you. But no, it gets worse. Someone just requested the Chili Peppers.

That’s it, I’m going outside to take my chances with the missiles.

Three of Ilhan Omar’s Ex-Husbands/Brothers feared missing in Gaza Tunnel Collapse

“Some people did something.”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/16/2021 at 9:30 AM

Gaza: Tragedy struck the Gaza Strip yesterday as Israel destroyed a giant tunnel complex, trapping many Hamas fighters in the rubble. Yet this crisis has been compounded with news that three of Democratic Congresswoman Ilhan Omar’s brothers and/or ex-husbands are among the missing. We’re not 100% sure. You see, with the Honorable Ms. Omar, the whole “husband” or “brother” title often gets lost in the weeds. Ms. Omar has a history of saying some not so nice things to say about the Jooz,
but that didn’t stop us at the Daily Freier from showing up at the press conference in solidarity with her missing Brusbands.

Israel has hypnotized the world, may Allah awaken the people and help them see the evil doings of Israel.” Congresswoman Omar sta…..Wait, sorry! She really really said this once! Sorry folks, running satire pieces about these people is harder than you think.

Anyhoo, where were we? Oh yeah, so Ms. Omar was asked about why the United States continued to support Israel and she replied “It’s all about the Benjamins.” which was…. wait what? She actually said this in real life? OK we quit.

So yeah, we tried to write this story but it got away from us. Tune in next week when Ilhan accidentally sings “Khaybar Khaybar Ya Yahood” on a hot mike and Peter Beinart puts it in context for us.

UPDATE: While credible reports place Roger Waters in the same tunnel complex, he is not currently a husband and/or brother of Congresswoman Omar. We think.

“I chickened out.” Hamas arson bird quits martyrdom operation

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/17/2018 at 7:50 PM

Gaza: Southern Israel breathed a little easier today after a Hamas bird fitted with explosives abandoned his suicide mission to Israel and flew home instead (And yes, Hamas arson birds is apparently a thing now). The Arson Bird, named Fuad, spoke with the Daily Freier from his nest near Gaza City.

I chickened out.” admitted Fuad. “When the Hamas bigshots sold me on becoming a Shahid bird, it all sounded great. A lifetime in paradise eating birdseed and screwing 72 females. I mean, where do I sign up, right?

Fuad went on to explain his change of heart. “It all seemed a bit final, you know? I want to experience life. And there are so many opportunities out there. I mean, my cousin Eddie was a spy falcon for the Mossad…. now he’s in Breaking the Silence I guess.”

As the Daily Freier ended the interview, Fuad claimed he had no regrets. “I am so happy to be home. Besides, who wants to die in Ashkelon?

Mayhem as Hamas “March of Return” accidentally merges with Tel Aviv Pride Parade

Pride Week March of Return(Editor’s Note: This won’t offend Anybody)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 6/5/2018 at 12:50 PM

Tel Aviv, HaYarkon: There was shock, confusion and blame in the city today when Gaza’s March of Return was diverted through Tel Aviv’s Pride March. LGBT organizers were left bewildered when Hamas militants emerged from the AM:PM on Bograshov dressed in rainbow bandanas, provocatively enjoying lolly ices and flinging their balaclavas in the air like they just don’t care.

Nobody knows exactly how this all happened, although residents in-the-know suspect there is some sort of tunnel on Rothschild. By the time the 200,000-strong parade reached Hayarkon, Islamic Jihad had its own float, waving kites and offering Molotov cocktails to the Bears. Meanwhile, at Charles Clore, drag queens had pinched placards demanding the right to return home. In 40 degree heat, their make up was running.

Miri Regev, Minister for Culture and Sport, profoundly stated: “I have no words, but as long as people are enjoying themselves…. By the way, Have you seen our new pamphlets?

……Although there were some hurt feelings when parade attendees noted that a lot of the Hamas guys looked better in their GRINDR profile pics.

 

 

Top Ten Gaza Solidarity Events this Week that you did not hear about

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/26/2018 at 10:30 PM

London: So this week, we learned that a certain group of credulous Lefty London Jews decided to hold Kaddish for the 52 members of Hamas and Islamic Jihad who tried to breach the fence and kill the Jooz unarmed protesters killed by the Zionist Entity this week. But did you know that there were other Gaza Solidarity events this week? The Daily Freier found the ten most profound events and now is sharing them with you, our readers.


  1. Quidditch for Gaza
  2. Pimms & Tiny Sandwiches for Gaza
  3. Improv for Gaza
  4. Pub Quiz for Gaza
  5. Yard Sale for Gaza
  6. Charades for Gaza
  7. Queers for Gaza (Oops! This actually happened!)
  8. Curling for Gaza
  9. Bunko for Gaza
  10. Salsa for Gaza

But Mr. Haniyeh, Why is My Bus Ticket to the March of Return Only One-Way?

Mr. Haniyeh, it is a great honor to join you in the heroic struggle to end the Occupation of Gaza! We will drive the Jews out of Gaza….. Wait. They all left in 2005? But we are still Occupied! Because!

But our struggle is not just about the Occupation. It is about breaking down the Walls that separate Gaza from the World! Wait. We border the largest nation in the Arab World, and they say that we are Brothers!

(The Daily Freier is published on Israellycool today. Check us out!)

 

“I’m OK!” Roger Waters reassures his fans after Gaza Tunnel collapse

Roger Waters Gaza Tunnel CollapseBy the Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 10/31/2017 at 6:20 PM

Khan Yunis: Fans of (Rula Jebreal’s ex-boyfriend/the creepy weirdo stalking Bar Refaeli/that guy who used to play with Syd Barrett) famed singer-songwriter Roger Waters breathed a sigh of relief today after he released a tweet confirming that he is safe and sound following yesterday’s tragic tunnel collapse in Gaza. While the IDF’s destruction of the attack tunnel facilitated a speed-dating-event-with-72-virgins for several unfortunate terrorists, Mr. Waters wanted to let all of his fans know that he was OK, and “hadn’t been in that tunnel for weeks“. Mr. Waters, who has previously utilized the tunnels for their unique acoustics, spoke out forcefully in order to clear the air.

I think it’s typical of the media, which is actually controlled by you-know-who, that they would put out unfounded rumors.” Mr. Waters explained.  “The fact is, I am currently on tour and have not been in Gaza since I finished recording my latest album of oud, drums, and spoken word in late September.

While Roger was safe and sound, yesterday’s events hit very close to home for him, as counted among the wounded was his friend and colleague The Hamas Bumblebee. Nachool the Bumblebee is a favorite on Gaza’s children’s shows, as he playfully sings songs and says some not-so-nice things about the Zionist Entity. With Nachool’s hospitalization for smoke inhalation and shock, Mr. Waters sadly announced a delay to their planned collaboration on a Hamas TV Television Special entitled “Hey Kids! Let’s brush our teeth every day, respect our teachers, and tell the Balfour Declaration that it can Go to Hell!“.

While Mr. Waters is now present and accounted for, the Daily Freier has still not received word from former President Jimmy Carter as to his current whereabouts.

(THIS ARTICLE WAS FIRST PUBLISHED ON THE TIMES OF ISRAEL IN 2017)