Gaza City: TV ratings when through the roof this Saturday, literally, as Simon Cowell made his much-anticipated debut as a judge on ‘Hamas Got Talent.’ More than 20 million tuned in across the Arab world, averting their eyes when Cowell entered stage right, wearing his extremely high-waisted and tight trousers, accompanied by a scantily clad Nicole Sherzinger, from the Pussycat Dolls.
There was much outrage in Israel last month when the multi-billion dollar franchise was extended to the Gaza Strip and auditions began in a UN school to find the next superstar from the tiny, long-suffering enclave.
“It is absolutely appalling how the Palestinians have applied to be part of this worldwide showbiz extravaganza,” cried Israeli PM Bibi Netanyahu. “Watching teenagers juggle grenades live on stage in a high school is only going to end in tears. And, frankly, we could do without the blame. I’d rather see them in the United Nations,” he added.
A nervous looking Cowell, who was born to a Jewish father, was treated to a line up of Abu Mazen ventriloquists, a somersaulting Hitler Youth urban dance act, a magician who stormed a tunnel with explosives, grenades and an AK-47, only to come out the other side, smiling and disembowelled, next to 72 glamorous virgins. Even Nicole Sherzinger clapped. Mahmood El Mahmood, a sweet boy with a stutter came out and blew the audience away, well after his father had, with his version of Elton John’s ‘Rocket Man.’ Cowell pressed the golden buzzer, Mahmood went through to the finals in Ramallah and the roof exploded.
But the real drama was reserved for Fatima Al Boom Shak-a-Lak, whose father disowned her when she dropped out of bomb-making and swastika classes to take up singing in her bedroom. Dressed in a sultry ankle-length black number, and a balaclava, she dedicated her mash-up of Taylor Swift’s ‘Shake it Off’ and Madonna’s ‘Like a Virgin’ to him but her ashamed father chopped his own head off in the gents toilets during the commercial break.
Al Jazeera, which broadcast the show, called the show a hit, as did the BBC, which led with the headline “Palestinians sing and dance through their pain after Israeli rocket targets TV studio. The next episode airs Sunday at 9pm Israel time, 2pm Central.
(Photo Credit: Our Friends at The Palestinian Branch of the Muslim Brotherhood)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 11/5/2015 at 12:30 PM
Gaza City: Flush from the success of his copycat rendition of Eyal Golan’s hit song ‘Mi she’maamin lo mifahed’, Hamas artist Ismail C. is excited to start getting all the trappings of a new rock star. Ismail’s knock-off version, titled “Soldiers of God“, is doing quite well in Gaza and beyond, causing Ismail’s mind to wander to bigger and better things. Ismail explained his motivation; “I want to be as big as Eyal. I want to live as large as he does. He’s really my idol…..you know, for a perfidious Zionist Jew and stuff.” Ismail continued to describe his aspirations. “I want an entourage, a personal trainer, a reality show called “Hamas Got Talent“, maybe an ongoing rivalry with another artist from Gaza. I hear the Hamas Bumblebee has been talking trash, so maybe we can be rivals. And of course, we’re gonna need a sex scandal.” Ismail’s eyes widened as he thought of the possibilities “I was at a cafe yesterday and I’m pretty sure that Miss Gaza 2014 was checking me out. It’s hard to tell because she was covered from head to toe in heavy black cloth, but a guy just knows these kind of things.” Ismail began to construct a mental timeline “So I got the whole Miss Gaza thing on the back burner, but I’m really hoping to start scoring some groupies.” When the Daily Freier asked Ismail how he planned to accomplish this in conservative Gaza City, he quickly replied “Not sure, but my manager and my dad are bringing some girls around from last night’s concert in a half hour.“
Tel Aviv- A Local humorist faced professional humiliation and ostracism today when he was forced to retract a satirical piece he published on his Blog earlier this week. Aharon Ben Yekutiel, who publishes stories that he thinks are funny while frequenting bistros in the Yirmiyahu-Namal neighborhood of Tel Aviv, suddenly removed a humor piece from his Blog purporting that the United Nations complained that Israel wasn’t sharing the Iron Dome Missile Defense technology with Hamas. The facts on this retraction are still sketchy, but apparently his website has attracted trolls and one of these trolls pointed out that Navi Pillay, UN High Commissioner for Human Rights, did in fact earlier complain that Israel refused to share its Iron Dome with the “governing authority” of Gaza, also know as “Hamas”. Mr. Ben Yekutiel hurriedly took down the link, but not before said trolls took screenshots and posted them on Facebook’s “Secret Tel Aviv” page and the highly esteemed “Jewsnews” website.
Mr. Yekutiel then tried to defend his error. “I mean, c’mon. I know the UN is ridiculous. I know that such paragons of liberty as Sudan, Saudi Arabia, and Libya have all served on the Human Rights Council. I know they’re one step away from electing Roger Waters to be Secretary General. But really? Complain that in a time of war a nation did not share its Ballistic Missile Defense Technology with an enemy whose founding charter vows to wipe out the Jews? It’s almost as if the United Nations has moved beyond self-parody.”
When asked about his future plans, Aharon was pessimistic. “I’ve lost all credibility. I’ll never snark in this town again. I don’t know what to do with my Blog. Maybe I can post funny videos of peoples’ cats. I hear people like funny cat videos.”
Tel Aviv- Tragedy was narrowly averted today, thanks to the vigilance of some alert citizens when authorities uncovered a Hamas Sleeper Cell. In a sign of the growing sophistication of Hamas’ operations, the sleeper cell was designed to mimic groups of people typical to the municipality. According to interrogations conducted on the agents, this included a family of seven blocking the entire jogging path while they yak about whatever and don’t let you past. In addition female Hamas agents were trained to walk dogs weighing either less than 2 kilograms or more than 50 kilograms while Whats-Apping and holding a large coffee. Finally, retired heavyset Hamas agents were trained to walk around the beach wearing Speedos. It was this final part of the cell that ultimately gave them away, as the Speedo-wearing agent was discovered as he tried to exit the sea at Gordon Beach. Alert resident Ronit S. spoke with the Daily Freier “I was swimming with my girlfriends and I saw this middle-aged guy in a Speedo approach. When he didn’t suck in his chest, square his shoulders and cock a sleazy look at me and my friends, I knew something was wrong, so I called the police”. Ronit continued ” I mean, WTF? We’re HOT, Right?” Interrogations of the cell also led authorities to anticipate a sleeper cell disguised as a guy in capri pants wearing a fanny pack, a man on a motorized bicycle heading toward you on the sidewalk at 50 kilometers per hour, and an older Russian speaking woman behind you in the checkout line who definitely wants you to hurry up.
Cairo- At today’s peace talks, in a stunning turnaround reversing 30 years of US policy, Secretary of State John Kerry sided with Hamas at the expense of longtime allies Egypt and Israel after Hamas informed Kerry that Egypt and Israel’s actions amounted to “swiftboating”. According to well placed sources, the Hamas delegate said “Mister Kerry, our treatment at the hands of Israel and Egypt is similar to your treatment by those jealous and spiteful former Naval Officers during the 2004 Presidential Campaign.”, as a captivated Kerry nodded sympathetically. Egypt’s delegate to the talks, speaking on the condition of anonymity, stated “I got to hand it to Hamas. We got played. Straight. Up. Played. At one point, the Hamas delegate asked Kerry how he kept in such great shape and insisted that he looked far too young to be a Secretary of State. We just couldn’t keep up with their full court diplomatic press.” When asked to explain this debacle, a frustrated Israeli rep noted “I dunno, I guess I knew we were in trouble when Hamas told Kerry that the Palestinians invented windsfurfing”.
Tel Aviv, Allenby Street– Tragedy was narrowly averted when Hamas hastily called off a plan for drones to drop hundreds of thousands of tiny business cards advertising the sex industry on Greater Tel Aviv.
“We had a very well planned out operation” said Hamas operative Abu Ismail. “We had an Iranian drone and plotted a course going out to sea from Gaza, up the coast past Occupied Jaffa, fly in at 10 feet above the water, pop up when we hit land, and drop the payload. The entire municipality’s streets would have been covered with thinly veiled advertisements for prostitution. Men, women, and children would have seen this filth. Your society would have become even more debased than it is now, no offense.”
When he learned that, in fact, the streets of Tel Aviv were already littered with such items, Abu Ismail was incredulous. “On one hand I was disappointed. Our boys trained many months for this sacred mission. On the other hand, I was kinda cheesed out. I mean, Really? Littering the streets with advertisements for the sex industry? That just goes beyond the limits of good taste.”
Ramat Aviv– Summer TAU student Ethan Schwartz told sources today that he is “like this close” to asking out an attractive coed known simply as “Melissa from Rockland“. Mr. Schwartz noted, “I saw her during the first alert last Tuesday, and each alert I’ve been able to throw a little light banter. You know, a joke here and there. ‘Where’d you go to school?’, that kind of thing. I even showed her the Red Alert App on my Iphone. Yesterday after the All Clear, I laughed and said ‘See You Soon!’ as I was leaving and she kinda giggled.”
Concerning recent peace efforts, Mr. Schwartz expressed reservations; “If this current ceasefire holds through the weekend, my entire timetable is thrown off“.
When contacted by Daily Freier Staff about Mr. Schwartz’s overtures, “Melissa from Rockland” had no idea in fact who he was.
Tel Aviv–According to published reports, the cyber attack branch of the Izz ad-Din al Qassam Brigades successfully penetrated the website of HOT Cable’s Customer Service Office. However, upon review of the options provided to customers on the website, the hackers chose to leave the site as is. A Field Commander known simply as Abu Ali stated “We really wanted to hit the Zionist enemy hard by changing the site so it left him feeling confused, helpless, and angry. But like our friends on the Flotilla said, ‘That ship has sailed‘ “. In a possible sign of rapprochement between peoples, Abu Ali noted “HOT Telecom? They’re OK, for a pack of perfidious Jews“.
When pressed for future operational plans, Hamas stated that they intended to hack into Orange Telecom, Bank Leumi, and the Ministry of Religious Service’s Conversion Department, and not change anything.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.