Category: Hamas

Guest Writer Wednesday, Hamas

Hamas tunnellers disoriented after Rothschild Avenue breakthrough

Rothschild chair

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 4/20/2016 at 11:50 AM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Hamas leadership was forced into a radical strategic rethink on Monday after a coordinated operation saw a Gaza-based squad emerge confused and bewildered from three underground tunnels in the centre of Tel Aviv.

The first of the 72-kilometre tunnels was revealed when three Hamas terrorists smashed through bedrock into the basement of Dizengoff Center. Buried amidst last season’s thongs from Victoria’s Secret, ripped denim shorts from Castro and a Kiddush cup stuffed with Sarah Netanyahu’s tax receipts, one of the baffled terror operatives did manage to crawl through hoards of Eyal Golan CDs and copies of Moshe Katsav’s autobiography. He then made the all-too-common mistake of taking the escalator up to the third floor and emerged immediately back in the basement where yawning security guards were waiting for him.

Police were quick to the scene of the second tunnel, which broke through the cycle lane on the always-busy Rothschild Boulevard. The Al-Jamal brothers from Gaza City were bowled over by three hoverboards, a skateboard, a triple buggy, a unicycle, a dog walker with 15 breeds on one leash and two elderly ladies headed for the opera at Habima. The Al-Jamals are being treated for PTSD and mild head injuries at Ichilov hospital.

And as Tel Aviv continued with its late Spring  bustle, a gaping concrete hole appeared underneath local fraudsters Goldman Bank De Binary. With the Waze GPS app pressed to his ear, a bandana-wearing Musharraf Al-Hussein appeared with a pack of worn-down toothpicks as packs of Olim went straight for his pockets, forcing him to buy shares in global corporate stalwart McCoca-Packard.

Local Tel Aviv police spokesperson Avram W. added: “It appears Al Hussein has applied for a commission-only job in Binary while the Dizengoff tunnellers were excited to have been given minimum wage positions as Customer Liaison Officers by Cofix.”

The security breach was reliably reported by the BBC as “Israel illegally detains Palestinian archaeologists”.

A Hamas spokesman added: “Their missions were merely fact-finding intelligence missions. They remain on the payroll and we hope to see them return in time for the gold fountains we are naming after them.”

BDS, Hamas, Roger Waters

Roger Waters in Stable Condition after Gaza Tunnel Collapse

“I was only down there for the acoustics!”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/21/2016 at 11:20 PM

Gaza City: Famed singer/songwriter/activist/dick Roger Waters is in serious but stable condition after getting caught in the collapse of a tunnel southeast of Gaza City earlier today. The Daily Freier was at the scene when a representative from the Palestinian Red Crescent briefed the assembled press. “It was approximately 3:00 PM when the Zionist Entity and its Egyptian lackeys triggered a cave-in of the tunnel, trapping 3 of our pious and motivated young tunnelers, as well as our bizarre but helpful friend Mister Roger Waters.”

When asked by MSNBC how rescue workers were able to find Mr. Waters, the spokesperson explained. “The tunnel was impassable to humans at this point, so we brought in Farfour the Mouse. He was able to find our friend by homing in on the intense scent of bitter self-righteousness that emanated from his body even when he was unconscious. Incidentally, this was exactly how we found Jimmy Carter after he accidentally wandered into the Sand Dunes last year during Ramadan.”

For his part, Roger Waters was insistent that he had done nothing wrong. “I know that the Zionists and their friends in the press will try to spin this in some negative light, but I was merely in the tunnel for its acoustics. You see, I’m recording a new single “Indigenous Olive Oil Can Flow Through Any Wall”, and I really needed just the right sound. But I think the vibrations from the snare drum may have set off a tremor and destroyed the tunnel.”

When the Daily Freier pointed out that since the tunnels go under the border, that he may have inadvertently stepped into Israel, he got really upset and his catheter fell out.

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Hamas, Times of Israel

In wacky mix-up, Qatar sends Hamas paycheck to Martin Indyk and Indyk’s paycheck to Hamas!

Miriam Alster:Flash90:File)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/7/2016 at 5:30 PM

Washington: Hijinks ensued today when the Qatari Treasury accidentally sent Martin Indyk’s paycheck to Hamas leader Khaled Mashal and Mashal’s paycheck to Mr. Indyk. However, despite the potential compromise of funds, the entire situation managed to sort itself out after a few hours and several phone calls.

READ THE REST OF THIS ARTICLE TODAY AT THE TIMES OF ISRAEL!

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/in-wacky-mix-up-qatar-sends-hamas-paycheck-to-martin-indyk-and-indyks-paycheck-to-hamas/

 

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Guest Writer Wednesday, Hamas

GUEST WRITER WEDNESDAY PRESENTS: “Hamas Got Talent”!

Talent

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 11/25/2015 at 11:20 AM

Gaza City:  TV ratings when through the roof this Saturday, literally, as Simon Cowell made his much-anticipated debut as a judge on ‘Hamas Got Talent.’ More than 20 million tuned in across the Arab world, averting their eyes when Cowell entered stage right, wearing his extremely high-waisted and tight trousers, accompanied by a scantily clad Nicole Sherzinger, from the Pussycat Dolls.

There was much outrage in Israel last month when the multi-billion dollar franchise was extended to the Gaza Strip and auditions began in a UN school to find the next superstar from the tiny, long-suffering enclave.

“It is absolutely appalling how the Palestinians have applied to be part of this worldwide showbiz extravaganza,” cried Israeli PM Bibi Netanyahu. “Watching teenagers juggle grenades live on stage in a high school is only going to end in tears. And, frankly, we could do without the blame. I’d rather see them in the United Nations,” he added.

A nervous looking Cowell, who was born to a Jewish father, was treated to a line up of Abu Mazen ventriloquists, a somersaulting Hitler Youth urban dance act, a magician who stormed a tunnel with explosives, grenades and an AK-47, only to come out the other side, smiling and disembowelled, next to 72 glamorous virgins. Even Nicole Sherzinger clapped. Mahmood El Mahmood, a sweet boy with a stutter came out and blew the audience away, well after his father had, with his version of Elton John’s ‘Rocket Man.’ Cowell pressed the golden buzzer, Mahmood went through to the finals in Ramallah and the roof exploded.

But the real drama was reserved for Fatima Al Boom Shak-a-Lak, whose father disowned her when she dropped out of bomb-making and swastika classes to take up singing in her bedroom. Dressed in a sultry ankle-length black number, and a balaclava, she dedicated her mash-up of Taylor Swift’s ‘Shake it Off’ and Madonna’s ‘Like a Virgin’ to him but her ashamed father chopped his own head off in the gents toilets during the commercial break.

Al Jazeera, which broadcast the show, called the show a hit, as did the BBC, which led with the headline “Palestinians sing and dance through their pain after Israeli rocket targets TV studio. The next episode airs Sunday at 9pm Israel time, 2pm Central.

 

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Hamas

Hamas Artist Who Copied Eyal Golan Song Looking Forward to a Sex Scandal of His Very Own

hamas2cur

(Photo Credit: Our Friends at The Palestinian Branch of the Muslim Brotherhood)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/5/2015 at 12:30 PM

Gaza City: Flush from the success of his copycat rendition of Eyal Golan’s hit song ‘Mi she’maamin lo mifahed’, Hamas artist Ismail C. is excited to start getting all the trappings of a new rock star.  Ismail’s knock-off version, titled “Soldiers of God“, is doing quite well in Gaza and beyond, causing Ismail’s mind to wander to bigger and better things.  Ismail explained his motivation; “I want to be as big as Eyal. I want to live as large as he does. He’s really my idol…..you know, for a perfidious Zionist Jew and stuff.” Ismail continued to describe his aspirations. “I want an entourage, a personal trainer, a reality show called “Hamas Got Talent“, maybe an ongoing rivalry with another artist from Gaza. I hear the Hamas Bumblebee has been talking trash, so maybe we can be rivals.  And of course, we’re gonna need a sex scandal.” Ismail’s eyes widened as he thought of the possibilities “I was at a cafe yesterday and I’m pretty sure that Miss Gaza 2014 was checking me out.  It’s hard to tell because she was covered from head to toe in heavy black cloth, but a guy just knows these kind of things.” Ismail began to construct a mental timeline “So I got the whole Miss Gaza thing on the back burner, but I’m really hoping to start scoring some groupies.” When the Daily Freier asked Ismail how he planned to accomplish this in conservative Gaza City, he quickly replied “Not sure, but my manager and my dad are bringing some girls around from last night’s concert in a half hour.“

Hamas, The United Nations

Aspiring North Tel Aviv Blogger Forced To Retract Satirical Piece About United Nations Complaining That Israel Didn’t Share Iron Dome With Hamas When He Learns That….No….Really…..The United Nations Complained That Israel Didn’t Share The Iron Dome With Hamas

united_nations_general_assembly_arms_treaty

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/26/2014 at 17:30 PM

Tel Aviv- A Local humorist faced professional humiliation and ostracism today when he was forced to retract a satirical piece he published on his Blog earlier this week. Aharon Ben Yekutiel, who publishes stories that he thinks are funny while frequenting bistros in the Yirmiyahu-Namal neighborhood of Tel Aviv, suddenly removed a humor piece from his Blog purporting that the United Nations complained that Israel wasn’t sharing the Iron Dome Missile Defense technology with Hamas.  The facts on this retraction are still sketchy, but apparently his website has attracted trolls and one of these trolls pointed out that Navi Pillay, UN High Commissioner for Human Rights, did in fact earlier  complain that Israel refused to share its Iron Dome with the “governing authority” of Gaza, also know as “Hamas”.  Mr. Ben Yekutiel hurriedly took down the link, but not before said trolls took screenshots and posted them on Facebook’s “Secret Tel Aviv” page  and the highly esteemed “Jewsnews” website.

Mr. Yekutiel then tried to defend his error. “I mean, c’mon.  I know the UN is ridiculous.  I know that such paragons of liberty as Sudan, Saudi Arabia, and Libya have all served on the Human Rights Council.  I know they’re one step away from electing Roger Waters to be Secretary General.  But really? Complain that in a time of war a nation did not share its Ballistic Missile Defense Technology with an enemy whose founding charter vows to wipe out the Jews? It’s almost as if the  United Nations has moved beyond self-parody.”

When asked about his future plans, Aharon was pessimistic.  “I’ve lost all credibility.  I’ll never snark in this town again.  I don’t know what to do with my Blog.  Maybe I can post funny videos of peoples’ cats.  I hear people like funny cat videos.”

Beach, Hamas

Authorities Interdict Hamas Sleeper Cell in Tel Aviv Disguised as Family Walking Seven-Abreast on Jogging Path While Chatting, Twentysomething Woman Walking Very Large or Very Small Dog, Middle-aged Man at the Beach in Speedos

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By Aaron Pomerantz & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/26/2014 at 10:30 PM

Tel Aviv- Tragedy was narrowly averted today, thanks to the vigilance of some alert citizens when authorities uncovered a Hamas Sleeper Cell.  In a sign of the growing sophistication of Hamas’ operations, the sleeper cell was designed to mimic groups of people typical to the municipality.  According to interrogations conducted on the agents, this included a family of seven blocking the entire jogging path while they yak about whatever and don’t let you past. In addition female Hamas agents were trained to walk dogs weighing either less than 2 kilograms or more than 50 kilograms while Whats-Apping and holding a large coffee.  Finally, retired heavyset Hamas agents were trained to walk around the beach wearing Speedos.  It was this final part of the cell that ultimately gave them away, as the Speedo-wearing agent was discovered as he tried to exit the sea at Gordon Beach.  Alert resident Ronit S. spoke with the Daily Freier “I was swimming with my girlfriends and I saw this middle-aged guy in a Speedo approach.  When he didn’t suck in his chest, square his shoulders and cock a sleazy look at me and my friends, I knew something was wrong, so I called the police”. Ronit continued ” I mean, WTF?  We’re HOT, Right?” Interrogations of the cell also led authorities to anticipate a sleeper cell disguised as a guy in capri pants wearing a fanny pack, a man on a motorized bicycle heading toward you on the sidewalk at 50 kilometers per hour, and an older Russian speaking woman behind you in the checkout line who definitely wants you to hurry up.

Hamas, John Forbes Kerry

Kerry Swings Support behind Hamas After Group Accuses Israel and Egypt of “Swiftboating”

johnkerrytestifycongress1971By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/21/2014 at 9:30 PM

Cairo- At today’s peace talks, in a stunning turnaround reversing 30 years of US policy, Secretary of State John Kerry sided with Hamas at the expense of longtime allies Egypt and Israel after Hamas informed Kerry that Egypt and Israel’s actions amounted to “swiftboating”.  According to well placed sources, the Hamas delegate said “Mister Kerry, our treatment at the hands of Israel and Egypt is similar to your treatment by those jealous and spiteful former Naval Officers during the 2004 Presidential Campaign.”, as a captivated Kerry nodded sympathetically. Egypt’s delegate to the talks, speaking on the condition of anonymity, stated “I got to hand it to Hamas.  We got played. Straight. Up. Played.  At one point, the Hamas delegate asked Kerry how he kept in such great shape and insisted that he looked far too young to be a Secretary of State.  We just couldn’t keep up with their full court diplomatic press.”  When asked to explain this debacle, a frustrated Israeli rep noted “I dunno, I guess I knew we were in trouble when Hamas told Kerry that the Palestinians invented windsfurfing”.

Hamas, Tel Aviv Living

Hamas Cancels Plan to Inundate Tel Aviv Streets with Business Cards Advertising Sex Industry After Finding Out It’s Been Done Already

Hamas Cancels Plan to Inundate Tel Aviv Streets with Business Cards Advertising Sex Industry After Finding Out It's Been Done AlreadyBy Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/20/2014 at 11:26 AM

Tel Aviv, Allenby Street– Tragedy was narrowly averted when Hamas hastily called off a plan for drones to drop hundreds of thousands of tiny business cards advertising the sex industry on Greater Tel Aviv.

“We had a very well planned out operation” said Hamas operative  Abu Ismail.  “We had an Iranian drone and plotted a course going out to sea from Gaza, up the coast past Occupied Jaffa, fly in at 10 feet above the water, pop up when we hit land, and drop the payload.  The entire municipality’s streets would have been covered with thinly veiled advertisements for prostitution.  Men, women, and children would have seen this filth.  Your society would have become even more debased than it is now, no offense.”

When he learned that, in fact, the streets of Tel Aviv were already littered with such items, Abu Ismail was incredulous.  “On one hand I was disappointed.  Our boys trained many months for this sacred mission.  On the other hand, I was kinda cheesed out.  I mean, Really?  Littering the streets with advertisements for the sex industry?  That just goes beyond the limits of good taste.”