Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: Gossip is circulating in Central Tel Aviv of a potentially scandalous development, that the new bartender at that cool place off of Ibn Gavriol Boulevard is, in fact, heterosexual. Well-regarded bartender David S. has found himself subjected to a whispering campaign by his customers and co-workers. The Daily Freier Cultural Affairs reporter was on the scene hearing the word on the street.
“I just feel that there’s been a lack of honesty,” noted concerned patron Avi T. “I always thought that we had a good rapport. I even planned to introduce him to my Cousin Brian when he visits in late August. But last night after I got up to go to the bathroom, I’m pretty sure he started macking on my girlfriend.”
Co-worker Devorah C. was also looking for answers. “I’ve known David for almost a year and he’s just the best. But I don’t know what to think. Ever since I made Aliyah, my gaydar is way off. It’s like the Mossad is jamming it or something. I mean just last week at the Namal Boardwalk I was hassled for 10 minutes by a sleazy guy wearing capri pants. Capri……pants.”
As the Daily Freier departed , a German tourist with a goatee informed us that if David is in fact straight, he wasn’t last night.
Tel Aviv- Tragedy was narrowly averted today, thanks to the vigilance of some alert citizens when authorities uncovered a Hamas Sleeper Cell. In a sign of the growing sophistication of Hamas’ operations, the sleeper cell was designed to mimic groups of people typical to the municipality. According to interrogations conducted on the agents, this included a family of seven blocking the entire jogging path while they yak about whatever and don’t let you past. In addition female Hamas agents were trained to walk dogs weighing either less than 2 kilograms or more than 50 kilograms while Whats-Apping and holding a large coffee. Finally, retired heavyset Hamas agents were trained to walk around the beach wearing Speedos. It was this final part of the cell that ultimately gave them away, as the Speedo-wearing agent was discovered as he tried to exit the sea at Gordon Beach. Alert resident Ronit S. spoke with the Daily Freier “I was swimming with my girlfriends and I saw this middle-aged guy in a Speedo approach. When he didn’t suck in his chest, square his shoulders and cock a sleazy look at me and my friends, I knew something was wrong, so I called the police”. Ronit continued ” I mean, WTF? We’re HOT, Right?” Interrogations of the cell also led authorities to anticipate a sleeper cell disguised as a guy in capri pants wearing a fanny pack, a man on a motorized bicycle heading toward you on the sidewalk at 50 kilometers per hour, and an older Russian speaking woman behind you in the checkout line who definitely wants you to hurry up.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.