Category: Tel Aviv Living

Tel Aviv Living

Tel Aviv Psychic Allows Locals to Communicate With Friends and Loved Ones Who have Moved to Ra’anana

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(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/5/2015 at 9:20 AM

Tel Aviv, Allenby Street: Mystical and exciting things are happening in Central Tel Aviv. Renowned  psychic Madame Rivka has been guiding residents on their spirit journey to contact those who have left this plane of existence and crossed over to live in the city of Ra’anana, 25 kilometers north of Tel Aviv.  Madame Rivka allowed the Daily Freier to sit in on one such session last week.

As Madame Rivka prepared for the encounter, local businesswoman Jennifer K. explained what brought her to seek out a psychic.  “My friends Lisa and Ben moved to Ra’anana after they got married, and I literally never saw them again.  It was so eerie.  One day we were going to the Jaffa flea market, and then, BANG!, they were gone. Like to another parallel universe.”

Madame Rivka slipped into a trance and soon made contact with Lisa and Ben.  “They say they are bored.  Very, Very bored.”

“Wow, can you ask them if they’re ok???  Are they suffering???” replied an astonished Jennifer.

Madame Rivka seemed to go into a deeper trance and replied “It’s hard for me to get an answer to this question.  They keep repeating a mantra over and over again: “Good schools. We have a yard. Good Schools.”  It’s just hard for me to break through this wall of rationalizing and self-delusion.”

Jennifer then asked Madame Rivka when she would see her friends again.  “They say that you should come and spend Shabbat with them after the Holidays.”

At this point Jennifer laughed and said “Yeah, like THAT’S going to happen.”

Tel Aviv Living

Old Guy in Golf Cart on Ibn Gavriol is Actually 3rd Most Powerful Man in Tel Aviv

Daily Freier Ibn gavriol

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/19/2015 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Milano:

The seemingly nondescript older gentleman who is currently holding up traffic on this vital North-South arterial accompanied by a mystery woman is actually the 3rd most powerful man in Tel Aviv.  While his purple golf cart with the plastic tub bungee-corded to the rear bumper may not look like much, it in fact belongs to a man who is not to be trifled with.  Sergei P., a doorman at the nightclub ‘Valium’ with a neck larger than this reporter’s torso, explained a recent encounter.  “So he pulls up in his golf cart right out front of the building  and proceeded to walk in right past security.  I yelled at him and told him to get the hell out of here…..Then my manager ran over in a panic.  I mean,with the fear of death in his eyes. He told me I had 5 seconds to fix this or we were both finished.  So I apologized profusely and escorted him to his own booth.  Fortunately, he was chill and didn’t make a big deal out of this.”  Sergei then stared into space and said “It could have been a lot worse.  A lot, lot worse.”

At the same time, many residents have reached out to the man in the golf cart to solve problems when nobody else can help.  New arrival Deborah K. describes her story.  “I was getting charged way to much for my electric bill.  I knew something was wrong, but whenever I called their “customer service” I got the runaround.  When I described my problem, I swear to God the woman said ‘Welcome to Israel.’ I didn’t know what to do, and then my friends all said ‘Talk to the guy on the purple golf cart’.  So I flagged him down last week on Nordau, and I was practically crying.  But he just smiled and said ‘I’ll take care of it’.  The next day the Electric Company called ME.  Hey Golf Cart Man, You rock!”

     Not all encounters with Purple Golf Cart Man end happily, however.  Local  resident Jeremy S. found himself behind the golf cart last week on his drive home from work.  “I was trying to turn left onto Pinchas and he was just puttering along, blocking the lane.  I honked the horn and gave him the finger.” Jeremy then goes silent for 10 seconds. ” Now I can’t get a felafel in this town.  I went to the place on Yirmiyahu last night and the guy at the counter looked straight through me and asked the guy behind me for his order…… Does anyone know where he’s driving his golf cart right now?  I need to apologize and fix this.”

    As of this afternoon, the reporters at the Daily Freir have determined that when they grow up they want to be  the Guy on the Purple Golf Cart.

Tel Aviv Living

Tel Aviv launches annual “Park Like a Total Dick” Competition for 2015

img_1166By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/30/2015 at 11:30 AM

North Tel Aviv: The Tel Aviv Municipality kicks off its annual “Park Like a Total Dick” championship, challenging its residents to compete to find out who can annoy, inconvenience, and endanger their fellow citizens with the most flair, panache, and originality. Representatives from the City’s Department of Cultural Affairs will be touring the city this week on the look-out for those among us who go the extra mile in turning their problem into our problem.

Cultural Affairs Chairperson Safir H. explained, “We will be judging based on the criteria of ‘Inconvenience to the Public’, ‘Lack of Empathy for Others’, ‘Chutzpah’, ‘Creates a Public Hazard’, and ‘ Lack of Awareness that What They’re Doing is Actually Wrong’.” Ms. Safir explained the final criteria: “What we’re really looking for is somebody who thinks that what they’re doing is perfectly OK, and that YOU’RE the idiot for questioning them.  I don’t think it’s possible to win this spirited contest if you actually have any self-awareness.”.  Last year’s winner, Moti C, won a parking pass good for the entire year of his crown and allowing him to park anywhere he wanted in Tel Aviv………as opposed to the year before he won the competition, when he……..parked anywhere he wanted in Tel Aviv.

Despite the competition’s name, Safir stressed that it is actually open to men and women.  Incidentally, as we spoke, Ms. Safir rushed over to notify a woman parking in the crosswalk on Ben Yehuda across from the SuperSol Market that she was in fact a finalist. At which point the finalist looked at us like we were from Mars, told us we were in her way, and brushed by us as she walked into that frozen yogurt place on the corner.

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Hamas, Tel Aviv Living

Hamas Cancels Plan to Inundate Tel Aviv Streets with Business Cards Advertising Sex Industry After Finding Out It’s Been Done Already

Hamas Cancels Plan to Inundate Tel Aviv Streets with Business Cards Advertising Sex Industry After Finding Out It's Been Done AlreadyBy Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/20/2014 at 11:26 AM

Tel Aviv, Allenby Street– Tragedy was narrowly averted when Hamas hastily called off a plan for drones to drop hundreds of thousands of tiny business cards advertising the sex industry on Greater Tel Aviv.

“We had a very well planned out operation” said Hamas operative  Abu Ismail.  “We had an Iranian drone and plotted a course going out to sea from Gaza, up the coast past Occupied Jaffa, fly in at 10 feet above the water, pop up when we hit land, and drop the payload.  The entire municipality’s streets would have been covered with thinly veiled advertisements for prostitution.  Men, women, and children would have seen this filth.  Your society would have become even more debased than it is now, no offense.”

When he learned that, in fact, the streets of Tel Aviv were already littered with such items, Abu Ismail was incredulous.  “On one hand I was disappointed.  Our boys trained many months for this sacred mission.  On the other hand, I was kinda cheesed out.  I mean, Really?  Littering the streets with advertisements for the sex industry?  That just goes beyond the limits of good taste.”