Category: Tel Aviv Living

Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living July 1, 2016June 21, 2018

City that totally lost its shit over a Burger King declares itself World Cultural City

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 7/1/2016 at 3:10 PM

Tel Aviv/Dizengoff: Tel Aviv, a city that lost its damn mind this year after the opening of a Burger King, has declared itself a World Cultural City. Burger King’s arrival (return) in Tel Aviv caused the entire city to stop what they were doing and wait in line for 3 hours in order to experience hamburgers slightly better than McDonald’s, fries somewhat worse than McDonald’s, and genuinely awesome onion rings. The Daily Freier spoke with Tel Aviv’s Cultural Affairs Spokesperson Safir H. in order to truly understand the city’s new international status.

“From our Bauhaus Architecture to our renowned theater to our amazing cafe society, we as Tel Avivians must embrace our status as a World Cultural Center.” explained Safir as she munched on a BK Original Chicken Sandwich (“Long Chicken” here in Israel!).

The Daily Freier then asked Safir what it is about Tel Aviv that distinguishes it from other cities of the World. “We are a confluence of cultures. European, Middle Eastern, North African, Latin American. There are just so many influences to our daily lives here.” explained Safir as she added ketchup to her onion rings while sipping her BK Cafe Americano (Only 4 Shekels!).

“There is just something about our Urban enclaves such as Sarona or Neve Tzedek that you don’t see in other cities. This mix of urban street life and quiet reflection.” explained Safir as she started to attack her vanilla soft ice cream.

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Safir asked us if we were going to finish our Whopper.

Save

Tel Aviv Living June 30, 2016June 28, 2018

Tel Aviv reminds White Nights visitors not to feed the Local Species

Tel Aviv White Nights (Photo Credit: http://www.midnighteast.com)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 6/30/2016 at 5:40 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: As the city prepares for its annual “White Nights” all-night spectacle, the Tel Aviv Municipality reminds out-of-town guests not to feed or harass the native species. “Tel Aviv is a unique ecosystem.” explained the Municipality Cultural Affairs Chairperson Safir H. “The introduction of non-native foods by visitors from Rishon or Petah Tikvah could upset the food chain. Just last year in Kikar Bialik a visitor from Holon accidentally introduced a non-native form of bread with gluten. We almost had a disaster, but we were able to quarantine the affected natives by taking them to that vegan place on Nahalat Binyamin and feeding them millet tortillas while playing A-WA on a constant loop for seven hours. Also, we handed out spliffs.“

Safir went on to provide a helpful list of “Do’s and Dont’s” for Out-of-Towners at tonight’s festival. “Avoid taking pictures, as there is a 30% chance that the person photographed is an aspiring model/actress who will then direct you to their Instagram Account. But by all means, ask the native about their plans to live and work in New York City, but only if you have cleared your schedule for the next three hours…. Same goes for the documentary that they’re “working on”.

Visitors are reminded to pack out any trash they may produce during the evening to prevent it from being incorporated into a piece of “street art” displayed outside those weird warehouses between Florentin and Neve Tzedek.

Save

Tel Aviv Living June 23, 2016October 24, 2018

Economy plunges after Australians discover Bracelet Bar

(Based on a True Story!)

By Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 6/23/2016 at 12:40 PM

Tel Aviv, Allenby: Israeli stocks were in free fall this morning as the crisis involving a group of Australians sequestered inside a Tel Aviv Bracelet Bar enters its second week. Last Thursday, a group of seven Australian backpackers entered a “Bracelet Bar” on Allenby in Central Tel Aviv, and have until now not departed the premises. The seven tourists continue to drink alcohol at a rate that Israeli’s Industry is simply not prepared to accommodate, as for Israelis having six drinks is the “craziest night”, whereas in Australia this could in fact be “breakfast”. As the guests continued to consume stocked inventory, the bar owner was first forced to place a lien on his apartment before defaulting to his business’s Insurance Provider. As the Australians discovered “Tubi” on Sunday, the Insurance Provider went into default, leaving beer distributors and peanut wholesalers with massive unpaid bills for goods provided.

As the Crisis continued to eat through the Israeli Economy, the Government summoned the Australian Ambassador on Wednesday. After discussions described as “frank” the Ambassador dispatched a Consular Team to the bar to repatriate their bogans citizens. However, upon learning the selection of drinks available in unlimited quantities for as little as 68 Shekels, the team elected to stay “for a beer” and have since been absorbed into the original group.

The Daily Freier was able to speak to one of the Australians during a momentary lull in service during Shift Change. “Mike” then explained how the Crisis originated. “We were walking back to our hostel from the beach and we passed a bar. The hostess asked us if we wanted to buy a bracelet. I asked her what a bracelet was and she explained that it allowed you to drink as much as you wanted to…… And I thought to myself “If we had this back home we would burn the ****ng country down.” Mike continued to describe what would happen if Australia ever got bracelet bars until a man later identified as his father interjected to share an anecdote about his son’s comparatively “lightweight” drinking habits that involved a father-son trip, Thailand, and vomit. (Editor’s Note: This paragraph actually really kind of happened once!)

A Police Hostage Negotiation Team has been called in and are currently attempting to lure the Australians out of the bar with the promise of “Macca’s“.

Arts & Literature, Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living June 14, 2016March 13, 2017

Tel Avivians ask Artist with Exhibit of Pop Tarts …. where did he find Pop Tarts

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 6/14/2016 at 3:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Ben Yehuda: The entire city is talking about the exciting modern art gallery on Ben Yehuda and its avant-garde exhibit featuring Campbell’s Soup, Cheez-Its, Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, and Pop Tarts. The Daily Freier took a break from its busy schedule of reading Secret Tel Aviv in order to break this story.

“It is just amazing what the artist did here.” gushed Neve Tzedek resident Avi N. “It is a critique of our Shared Model of Existence on this Planet…….. Do you know where he got the Pop Tarts? I’m dying over here.”

“I’m just in awe.” noted Jaffa writer Tamir H. “Standing in this gallery, one has the feeling of being trapped in a circus of absurdity and despair….. or, you know, a semi-decent Western Supermarket that has things I want at reasonable prices.”

Alert local Ronit S. was ecstatic. “This artist is a genius. He has captured the nihilistic sadness hiding within modernity….. and I’m really hoping he does something with Diet Cherry Coke next time.”

The studio curator seemed frustrated as patrons attempted to remove individual pieces of the sculpture depicting cartons of Ritz Crackers and Idaho Spuds Mashed Potato Mix, and bring them to his desk as if it were a checkout cash register. “What is wrong with these people? This is not Supersel!” he exclaimed, before quietly placing the carton in a plastic sack and pocketing 40 Shekels.

Tel Aviv Living November 6, 2015November 1, 2018

Tel Aviv offers free Life Coaching to People with Inappropriate Names for their Wi-Fi Networks

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/6/2015 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: The city of Tel Aviv launched an intensive outreach this week, trying to help some of the most vulnerable among us: those who feel the need to give their Internet Wi-Fi networks really, really, really inappropriate names. The Municipality is offering a wide range of life coaching and personal development courses, free of charge, to the affected communities. Tel Aviv Cultural Affairs Chairperson Safir H. explained the city’s rationale:

“There are people out there who are crying out for help. Crying out for help by naming their Wi-Fi ‘Boobsnet’ or ‘Bibi is Shit’, which I have to admit we all laughed about at the office. Some people even name their Wi-Fi ‘F-ck Off’, or ‘Free F-ck“‘ and finally,….. “ Sapir paused, retained her composure and continued. “I’m sorry but this is just like totally gross.”

The Tel Aviv public is rallying behind the measure, with citizens praising the move.The Daily Freier talked to concerned citizen Matan G. about the new initiative. “So I’ve been stealing unprotected Internet from my neighbors for the last couple of years and I’m always looking for an open network. So imagine my surprise when I stumbled upon ‘F-ck Off’ last week. I just felt violated. This needs to stop.”

Bibi Wifi

Wifi f#ck off

Safir outlined the initiative’s mix of personal development classes and one-on-one life coaching. Later she allowed the Daily Freier to tag along at an evening group therapy session conducted in an unused classroom at Ulpan Gordon. As a circle of a dozen men and women (OK, OK, they were all guys) listened attentively, the group facilitator walked them through a scenario speaking slowly, loudly, and deliberately. “So expressing ourselves? That’s OK. Naming our Internet after our private parts? That’s NOT OK. OK, now you try it. Expressing ourselves?” At this point the class answered in unison “OK” The facilitator continued. “Naming our Internet after our private parts?” At this point half of the class answered “OK“, three answered “NOT OK”, and one answered “Big Butts!”

Save

Atarim Square, Tel Aviv Living October 24, 2015December 19, 2020

Tel Aviv Residents Nominate Atarim Square as a Palestinian Heritage Site

Club

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/24/2015 at 8:30 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: A grassroots community effort is about to pay off, with 10,000 signatures gathered to date in an effort to name the Atarim Plaza as a Palestinian Heritage Site under the auspices of the United Nations Education, Scientific, Cultural Organization (UNESCO). Alert local Ronit S. explained her team’s efforts to date. “After the Palestinians tried and failed to name the Western Wall as theirs at UNESCO, we felt we needed to throw them a bone. Plus it’s like totally gross. So we canvassed the neighborhood around the Harbor and the beaches. Everyone seemed really enthusiastic, almost as if they wanted to just give the place away….. Except the kids who were skateboarding in the plaza…..And the guy we met who built his own shack in the basement of the old parking garage….Oh and the guys we saw walking out of the Pussycat Lounge. They seemed to like things just the way they are. I even saw my boyfriend walking out of the Lounge, but he said he was only there because he had to pee.”

Reaction across the Israeli political spectrum was mixed. Noted Haaretz columnist Gideon Levy was apprehensive. “I like the “Idea” of a Palestinian self-governing area, but you know, someplace else. Like in places I don’t want to go. You know, anywhere east of the Ayalon Highway. But this…. it is AWFULLY close to some of my favorite breakfast places. I just don’t know. It’s all so CLOSE.”

MK Aryeh Deri (Shas) appeared to have reservations as well, but indicated that his fears would be allayed if somebody gave him some money. MK Oren Hazan (Likud) also raised concerns. “If Atarim Square becomes Palestinian, does this mean people won’t be able to visit the Pussycat Lounge? .…Asking for a friend.”

Save

Judaism, Tel Aviv Living September 29, 2015October 13, 2019

Kinda sure your neighbor is renting out his Sukkah on AirBNB

Daily Freier Sukkah

By Yekutiel Bornstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/29/2015 at 2:00 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: OK, this is weird, but you’re almost positive that your upstairs neighbor (yeah, yeah; the one who was stealing your Wi-fi last year. That guy.) is renting out his Sukkah on Air BNB. First of all, you went up to the roof on Sunday night to see the Eclipse, and there was a sign on the Sukkah wall for “HaYarkon Rooftop Cabins“. In English and French. And now the guy delivering the porta-john to the building last week makes perfect sense. Plus this really polite English couple knocked on your door this morning asking if they could use your shower. Because, they explained, the ‘rustic cottage with the palm frond roof and canvas walls‘ apparently doesn’t have….. ‘a washroom‘. Well you will NOT stand for this. This is totally illegal and violates every housing code in the city. You are going to march up to your neighbor’s door and tell him in no uncertain terms……that for 200 Shekels you never saw nothing.

Save

Tel Aviv Living September 14, 2015August 30, 2018

Daily Freier’s Alert Readers Solve the Mystery of the Giant Balloon That Floats Over Ramat Aviv

ramat-aviv-balloon-daily-freier By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/15/2015 at 9 AM

Ramat Aviv, Rakevet Ha Universita: After last week’s request for help identifying the mysterious balloon in the sky above Ramat Aviv, the Daily Freier’s alert readers swung into action, revealing a dogged search for the truth, and for some, a clear need to get back on their prescribed medication. Here is what our alert readers had to say:

ron-policeman

“It’s where Buji hides his charisma.” – Ron, policeman

cathrine

“It’s where the city keeps all the polite, good looking straight guys who will call you back” – Cathrine, web designer

harun

“Where’s Ramat Aviv????” – Shuki, playwright

“I’ve been dating a Sabra girl for 2 years and I just told her over dinner that I want to break up with her…..so……Can I hide in the balloon for a few weeks? – Binyamin, Lone Soldier

“Actually the Palestinians say it was originally theirs.” – Shoshanna, Optometrist

“I’m sick of Tel Aviv. Will it take me to Berlin?” – Ashleigh Shapiro, actress

“I don’t know, but the U.N. is about to pass a resolution against it”. – Adi, entrepreneur

“Space Aliens…..except they’re also Jewish”. – Dana, stockbroker

“Hot Cable’s Walk-In Customer Service” –Yonatan, Independent Contractor

“It’s where Netanyahu has been hiding his good ideas all this time”. – Yuda, musician

“Kanye is going to parachute from the balloon onto stage next month. ” – Yossi, teacher

images-4

“Remember that nice inexpensive 3-room apartment near Hayarkon Park without a realtor fee that you saw advertised on Secret Tel Aviv?….. It’s up there.” – Howard, stock algorithm designer

reuven

“Probably some Birthright shit.” – Reuven, mechanic

Save

Tel Aviv Living August 28, 2015April 26, 2018

Tel Aviv Woman Suffers Panic Attack After Accidentally Wandering Into Ramat Gan

asELJ5TonzhOQUO6iqywjTcQCrJcCMpVR0IvxBb9t4ui7PUjcjkr0qtR6qNbvOweLUElN33m4R75OPxWf1spdAYDG25rKIiS19qDEkA=w506-h281

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/28/2015 at 11:00 AM

Ramat Gan: A Tel Aviv woman was involved in a serious incident today, which could have ended tragically if not for the quick thinking of alert bystanders. Local realtor Sarit F. suffered a crippling panic attack after accidentally wandering out of Tel Aviv city limits and into Ramat Gan. The Daily Freier talked to Sarit as she convalesced at Ichalov Hospital.

“I had just left Savidor Train Station and was crossing the street. I must have gotten disoriented by all the construction. Anyway, I walked for about ten minutes. The further I walked, the more confused and scared I got. I mean, the streets became quiet and tree-lined. The houses looked like they had been built at some point in my lifetime. At no point was I almost hit by somebody on an electric bicycle. And there were no signs that a dog had recently relieved itself on the street. It was horrible. I started to just lose it. The next thing I know, paramedics were helping me into the ambulance.”

The first-responders credited the quick thinking of passersby for ensuring a happy outcome to this story. The Daily Freier spoke to some of these Good Samaritans at the scene. “I saw this woman just freaking out in the middle of the street” noted alert local Ronit S. “I used to live in Tel Aviv, so I know the symptoms of ‘Bubble Withdrawal’. I ran over and gave her some Cofix coffee and then called out for others to help. So a bunch of people ran over and started to walk five-abreast and speaking French while they almost knocked her down. Another woman passing by got her cell phone number and code-called her with an opportunity to invest in FOREX……..Then another guy went and peed on the sidewalk.”

In response to this near tragedy, the Tel Aviv Department of Public Safety issued a bulletin to residents listing warning signs that they may be leaving the city and to turn back immediately:

You see a grocery store that offers a wide variety of foods at reasonable prices
You stop at a coffee shop where the waitstaff view themselves as waitstaff and not as actresses, writers, or “about to launch a start-up”
Somebody is wearing a yarmulke
During work hours people are going to or from work or appear in some other way to be gainfully employed
You don’t see any tiny cards on the ground advertising the sex industry
You meet somebody who voted for Netanyahu
There are people on the street who are not walking dogs
You cannot immediately find a yoga studio
You see a man in his 20’s or 30’s who is clean-shaven
Nobody tries to steal your bike
You can’t find Haaretz anywhere

The Daily Freier wanted to stay at the scene longer and conduct more interviews, but being so far from Allenby Street was making us feel kinda not cool and we had to just leave.

Aliyah, Tel Aviv Living August 8, 2015July 14, 2021

The Mold in Your Apartment on Bograshov is now eligible for Aliyah Benefits, Absorption Package

6379728773_bda372a0ce

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/8/2015 at 9:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov Street: After almost a year of struggles and setbacks, the mold in your apartment has secured Aliyah benefits to include the right to reduced rent, five months free Ulpan, and valuable tax breaks. The Daily Freier caught up with the largest patch of mold in your place, named “Yossi“, and asked him a few questions.

Yossi, who currently has expanded to a 3 meter square area located between your bathroom and laundry room, talked about his experience so far. “It hasn’t been easy, let me tell you“, noted Yossi, as he released spores into the air that are currently making your eyes water and your nose run. “I started out last year around Rosh Hashanah here and it was a real struggle. But through persistence and a bit of luck, I am starting to really succeed, Baruch HaShem.” When the Daily Freier complimented Yossi on his ability to thrive here, he was quick to point out those who have helped him. “Everyone always complains about people not helping them here. But believe me, I did not make it on my own. First, I want to thank your idiot roommate who seems unable to take a shower without pouring a gallon of water on the floor. Oh and your other roommate who thought it was a good idea to dry his clothes inside all winter. Of course your landlord who refused to have me eradicated because ‘he couldn’t see me’……major props. Oh and whatever genius who built this apartment and filled the space between walls with soil……much love.”

Daily Freier asked Yossi about his hopes and dreams as well. “I would love to do a bit of Ulpan, because even though I grew up speaking mold, my spores speak perfect Hebrew. Plus I would love to expand into the living room, maybe travel through the walls to the downstairs neighbor. I just really feel that anything is possible here.”

When asked about Yossi, the Aliyah organization Nefesh B’ Nefesh denied any responsibility. But their spokesman Danny J. did speak on the record with us. “Eleven months and he’s still here? That’s better than most of the Americans we brought.”

Save

Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.