Tag: Ra’anana

Jesus relocates Armageddon “because nobody wanted to hang out in Afula”

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 11/17/2018 at 2:00 PM

Tel Megiddo: Our Christian friends are in a giant funk today after news broke that Jesus has decided to change the site of the Final Battle between Good and Evil. According to reliable sources, the Prince of Peace decided that Tel Megiddo, lying just southwest of Afula in the Jezreel Valley, lacked the modern amenities to properly host Armageddon. Mr. Yeshua was kind enough to Skype with the Daily Freier and explain his decision.

“I’m sorry, but if we’re going to stage an epic battle between the Forces of Light and Darkness, can we do it near a place with a decent mall? Is that asking too much? Let me put this in perspective. My hometown is no great shakes, but at least we have a really big food mall now. But oh yeah, Afula has a Supersal. Also I try to keep my interaction with the Deceiver of Men to a bare minimum, and he never stops bitching to me about this. He said that Afula left him bored.”

The Daily Freier challenged Mister Of Nazareth, noting that Afula has a station on the new Jezreel Valley Train line, but he was dismissive. “Oh really? So now you can take a train to Beit She’an? Wow. Or maybe you could take the train all the way to Haifa. I heard they’ve got a great party scene there. Bring your walking shoes.

The Freier then asked Jesus if he had any candidates in mind to replace Tel Megiddo. “Well it needs to be close enough to a good pub. Trust me, after all that destruction, the Forces of Darkness will want to find a nice place to have a drink. And my friends in Jerusalem tell me that Tel Aviv is a hive of debauchery. So that might work. And if we held an epic battle in Atarim Square, it might end up looking nicer. Do you think I should ask for ideas on Secret Tel Aviv?

The Prince of Peace continued. “But the armies really could use some open space, so maybe somewhere in the Sharon? I was thinking of Ra’anana, but honestly I’ve lost touch with all my friends who moved there. It’s like they joined the Witness Protection Program or something.”

As we ended the interview, Jesus made a final request to all candidates for the new Armageddon site. “Let the city that isn’t totally lame cast the first stone.”

 

 

 

 

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Tel Aviv Woman walks out on date because he doesn’t like A-WA

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By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 7/10/2016 at 2:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: A potentially positive encounter ended badly last evening due to some unfortunately timed opinions about music.  Local favorites A-WA blend traditional Yemeni tunes with Hip Hop. And like Everyone around here loves them. Well, everyone who wishes to not suffer the fate of one ill informed gentleman. Rothschild-Area Web Designer Tamar B. went on “the date from Hell” earlier this evening with “some idiot” who it turns out “didn’t even like A-WA“.  The Daily Freier got on the Number 4, 104, or 204 Bus and rode south toward the scene of this ongoing crisis.

Tamar described how the events transpired. “So his name is Elan.  We’re getting cocktails in this basement bar off of Rothschild and everything is fine.  He has a job….well he shows up at a start-up most days.  He seems straight…. well straight-ish. But whatever. And then I told him that I was like really really into A-WA these days.  And he just kinda looked at me and said that they ‘didn’t do much for him‘…….Didn’t do much for him……What the hell? Well guess what?  I decided that tonight I wasn’t going to ‘do much’ for him either.

Tamar continued to describe this evening’s traumatic events. “I don’t know about seeing into the future or anything, but the moment he said he didn’t like A-WA, I had this premonition of sitting with him in a living room in Ra’anana 20 years in the future on an IKEA Couch while he drones on and on about “the Montreal Scene” or some other pretentious bullshit….. I really feel like I dodged a bullet tonight.”

Determined not to make the same mistake twice, Elan was last seen on the #5 Sherut listening to Habib Galbi  on his Ipod and trying to sing along to the high notes.

 

 

 

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Bowing to Public Pressure, Tel Aviv City Council Bans Normal-Sized Dogs

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(Photo Credit: langeasy.com)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 8/19/2015 at 1:10 PM

Tel Aviv, Hayarkon Dog Park: Tel Aviv dog owners are excited about last night’s City Council decision banning dogs that weigh more than 2 kilograms or less than 50 kilograms.  “It’s about time” said North Tel Aviv realtor Dalit F., as she removed her chihuahua from her purse and released him into the popular dog park located on the South Shore of the Hayarkon River.  “I don’t even understand why anyone would even want a normal-sized dog anyway.  Either the dog should be smaller than a pair of shoes or larger than a pony.” 

Local software developer Avi B. concurred, as he was dragged across the dog park by ‘Otis’, his enthusiastic Irish Wolfhound. “Any North Tel Avivian who wants a regular dog that isn’t tiny enough to be mistaken for a rodent or bigger than my bicycle……..I just don’t want to be friends with this kind of person.”  Avi’s friend Yoni S. then weighed in,  further illustrating the social stigma and ostracism that normal-sized dog owners face in the city. “I was here last week with my Saint Bernard and met a beautiful woman, just really pretty and really nice. I was about to ask her out, and then her beagle ran up to her…….I walked away….. I just walked away.”

The Daily Freier spoke to City Council Chairperson Galit P. who seemed to acknowledge the prejudice that normal-sized dog owners face..  “We want to help the owners of normal-sized dogs, so we are offering grants to defer the costs of moving out of the city.  We’re hoping that they can find a place to start over that is a better fit…….like Ra’anana.”

Tel Aviv Psychic Allows Locals to Communicate With Friends and Loved Ones Who have Moved to Ra’anana

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(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/5/2015 at 9:20 AM

Tel Aviv, Allenby Street: Mystical and exciting things are happening in Central Tel Aviv. Renowned  psychic Madame Rivka has been guiding residents on their spirit journey to contact those who have left this plane of existence and crossed over to live in the city of Ra’anana, 25 kilometers north of Tel Aviv.  Madame Rivka allowed the Daily Freier to sit in on one such session last week.

As Madame Rivka prepared for the encounter, local businesswoman Jennifer K. explained what brought her to seek out a psychic.  “My friends Lisa and Ben moved to Ra’anana after they got married, and I literally never saw them again.  It was so eerie.  One day we were going to the Jaffa flea market, and then, BANG!, they were gone. Like to another parallel universe.”

Madame Rivka slipped into a trance and soon made contact with Lisa and Ben.  “They say they are bored.  Very, Very bored.”

“Wow, can you ask them if they’re ok???  Are they suffering???” replied an astonished Jennifer.

Madame Rivka seemed to go into a deeper trance and replied “It’s hard for me to get an answer to this question.  They keep repeating a mantra over and over again: “Good schools. We have a yard. Good Schools.”  It’s just hard for me to break through this wall of rationalizing and self-delusion.”

Jennifer then asked Madame Rivka when she would see her friends again.  “They say that you should come and spend Shabbat with them after the Holidays.”

At this point Jennifer laughed and said “Yeah, like THAT’S going to happen.”