Tag: Ehud Olmert

Bar Refaeli

The Barshank Redemption

(An original-ish Screenplay by Lee Saunders & Aaron Pomerantz)

[SCENE: February 2021, Neve Tirza Prison for Women]

Narrator (sounding a bit like Sara Netanyahu. But definitely *NOT* Morgan Freeman): I must admit I didn’t think much of Bar, first time I laid eyes on her. She might’ve been important in Hollywood, but here in the joint she was just another woman in prison grays. Looked like a stiff breeze could blow her over. I bet the other inmates that she would crack under the pressure the first night….cost me two packs of cigarettes. She never made a sound, if you ignore the hairdryer, chatting on a satellite phone, and name-dropping. I could see why some of the girls took her for snobby. A talk and a strut that just wasn’t normal around here. She strolled. Like a woman with the best lawyer in the world and a cute blonde goysicher ex-boyfriend.

(Scene: The prison roof. Inmates are laying down tar. Sara Netanyahu is the prisoner trustee in charge of the detail. Bar is sunbathing.)

Sara (to another inmate): And now it looks like we need to declare the champagne, cigars, and clothes as income! Can you believe it???

Bar: Excuse me Sara, do you trust your husband?

Sara (dismissively):  Of course not, don’t be ridiculous…. but we’re still throwing you off this roof for your chutzpanit.

(Two burly women grab Bar)

Bar (speaking quickly): Because I know a way that you can avoid declaring those gifts by putting them in your husband’s name!

Sara: Leave her alone, girls.

(The women let Bar go)

Sara: OK…. I’m listening Mami.

Narrator: And that’s how it all started. Soon she was doing taxes for the wardens. She polished their shoes. I mean, SHE didn’t polish them, but one of her people did. She promised to introduce the guards to Gal Gadot if they just brought in some decent shampoo from SuperPharm.

Sara: Hey Bar, how did you smuggle in all of this bamba and moisturizer?

Bar: I got them from Ehud over in the Men’s Block.  Now be a dear and help me smuggle the stuff I got from Duty Free. It’s waiting in the Elevator.

Sara (confused): Wait, when did we get an elevator?

Narrator: It got to be too much, we just couldn’t stand it. So me and the girls blew up a photo of my Bibi in the photocopier room, stuck it to the wall and gave her some nail clippers. Just to get her out of here.

EPILOGUE (spoken by a serious-sounding old dude): In the Spring of 2021, Refaeli escaped from Neve Tirza-shank Prison. She had spent 19 hours tunneling through the wall of her cell, which had all the solid foundations of a Tel Aviv apartment. Within a day, she was tremping it down to the Sinai.

Narrator: I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged. They are meant to live their quai-legal lives in the scorching Middle Eastern sun, surrounded by hash and snorkelers.

(Fade to Black)

 

 

 

 

Israeli Politics

Aryeh Deri adds Shabbat Elevator to Ramle Prison’s budget request

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/24/2018 at 11:00 PM

Ramle Prison: Officials at this Central Israel Correctional Institution were pleasantly surprised today when they learned that they’ve been granted an improvement to their facilities. Member of Knesset Aryeh Deri (Shas) added a Line Item to their annual budget request, granting funds to install a Shabbat Elevator. Such a device allows religiously observant people to save time and energy by taking an elevator while not violating the laws of Shabbat. The Daily Freier spoke with prison spokesperson Yoni D.

“We are very thankful for Minister Deri’s assistance. This addition to our physical plant will make life easier for those prisoners who are Shomre Shabbat, and will add to the overall quality of life……but to be honest, nobody in our Accounting & Budget Office can remember actually asking for this. Does he know something we don’t know?”

In unrelated news, Mr. Deri was seen recently asking Former Prime Minister Ehud Olmert if he had a favorite cell block when he was at Ramle, and which days of the week were best to visit the Prison commissary.

Freier from the Future, Our "Cousins"

Top Ten surprises in the Ten Year Backlog of Palestinian Mail

So Israel and the Palestinian Authority ended some sort of dispute, and now Jordan can give them some mail that’s been held up since 2008 (Anyone who thinks this is just because of “The Occupation” is welcome to help us get our $50 worth of clothes from the Gap™ out of Ben Gurion Airport Customs without paying the $30 in fees that they demanded from us). But what long-hidden truths have been revealed? The Daily Freier got one of our Scandinavian backpacker friends to check out Ramallah and come back with a full report. And what a report it was! It’s like a Time Capsule from 2008! The first iPhone! Obamamania! Taylor Swift just broke up with a Jonas Brother! If only we could…. never mind. Anyhoo, here are the Top 10 Revelations in the mail!

10) That gift we need to get Hosni Mubarak for his “30 Years as President” party? Skip.

9) That invite to Qadaffi’s 2011 Folk Dancing Expo and Film Festival in Tripoli? Same.

8) The 2012 “Bashar Assad Salute to Arab Unity Weekend” in Damascus? You seeing a pattern yet?

7) Can somebody tell Mahmoud Al-Mabhouh to watch out for women in floppy hats and guys with tennis rackets when he goes to Dubai?

6) They say that the Zionist Dogs are going to build a High Speed Rail from Jerusalem to Tel Aviv by 2016.

5) That Real Estate Investment Prospectus from Ehud Olmert? No. Just No.

4) Bibi is in BIG Trouble! There is NO WAY the Israeli Left can screw up the 2015 Elections!

3) Obama just beat McCain! We will never get a more sympathetic friend in the White House! Now is the time to really sit down for negotiations and finally get our Palestinian State living in peace next to Israel! Wait, what’s that? We’re just going to blame Israel, do nothing for the next 8 years, and wait for something to happen? OK that also works.

2) Hahahaha! Donald Trump is running for President in 2016! Hahahaha!

1) Wait, Mahmoud Abbas is still in Office???

 

 

Guest Writer Wednesday, ISIS

Israel draws West ISIS in World Cup Quarter Final

West ISIS Israel Football match

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 4/27/2016 at 11:50 AM

Tel Aviv: The world will hold its breath this weekend as Israel and West ISIS will do battle for a shock place in the World Cup semi finals, after both teams overachieved in the group stages.

The tense clash will be the first time the Zionist nation has gone head to almost-head with West ISIS, who surprisingly topped the Caliphate group after a penalty shootout win against Al Qaeda…when the opposition goalkeeper was beheaded during the coin toss.

After losing 5-1 to East ISIS in the opening game, the signs weren’t good for West ISIS, whose entire midfield was hurled into the stands after the linesman was blown up for raising the wrong flag. Managed by Kassam Allardyce, they switched the formation to play 10 up front and one lookout at the back after a poor back pass saw a central defender hit on the head by a flaming vuvuzela. That formation worked as they sneaked through the group stages with wins over Al Nusra and Boko Loco before clinching top spot in an eventful win over Al Qaeda. Trailing one nil, West ISIS controversially equalised in stoppage time when an in-swinging corner found super sub Jihadi Ringo, who had only put on his suicide vest moments before. He nodded the ball goalwards. The keeper palmed the ball away but the striker’s head flew in, along with two fingers, a right elbow and a knuckleduster. As ISIS fans celebrated by singing Liverpool FC’s ‘You’ll never walk alone‘, the opposition fans began to chant ‘You’ll never walk again‘ so the referee awarded the goal before he was assaulted by irate tea vendors.

Israel’s qualification was more routine as they coasted through, under the management of financial wizards Ehud Olmert and Aryeh Deri. Opposing managers were paying shekels into their offshore bank accounts while the Israeli attack scored freely. Israel thrashed Lebanon 6-0 when they turned the floodlights and water off after hearing of a rocket fired at Haifa. The Zionists romped past the Future Palestinian State, 9-0, after Israel’s Egyptian coach Sissi executed the substitutes bench, which was being used as a grenade factory. The BBC called for an immediate boycott, running with the headline: ‘Palestinian heartbreak as Israel steals football glory‘.

This World Cup had been awash with dramas and scandals. Mexico were kicked out for refusing to play the USA unless Donald Trump quit the race for president. Germany were docked points for fielding a squad comprised only of Syrian refugees, while England’s threat to leave the European Union saw them placed in the Pacific Group where they were knocked out 1-0 by sleeping giants Fiji. Speculation still remains about the result of the game between Israel and Iran, managed by former Ayatollah favourite, Haveyouhadyourdinnerdad. The Al-Jazeera commentary box and cameras were detonated by Hezbollah when fans rose for the Israeli national anthem Hatikva. Drone footage, however, showed the Iranian first XI limping off at the final whistle, beaten and bruised, screaming ‘OK, OK, so Israel bloody exists!’

Oddly, there are plenty of tickets still on sale for the Israel-ISIS clash at the stadium in the central Asian republic of Icouldntgiveaf–kistan. As TV networks booked flights out of the country, ex FIFA president Sepp Blatter promised security would be as tight as his wallet and as comfortable as his padded cell in Switzerland.

The football pilgrimage is expected to see Israel bring 25,000 fans including the publicity-shy supermodel Bar Refaeli. It is unclear how many ISIS fans will come until the end of a three-week gun battle in Palmyra. Available at http://www.armageddon.com (strictly a fanciful jest!–The Freier Legal Department), tickets start at $5 and include a souvenir program, a light beer and funeral expenses.

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Israeli Politics

Olmert can get you a better cell in A-Block for 2 cartons of smokes and some bamba

Gili Yohanan POOLBy Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 4/12/2016 at 1:40 PM

Ramle, Ma’asiyahu Prison: While you were lining up for roll call this morning you ran into “Uncle Ehud”, the new guy from Gimel-Block. And he says he can find you a really good place over in Aleph-Block which is walking distance to the commissary and has a window with a really nice view.  The deal sounds pretty good. And for a new guy, Ehud is really connected. He even got a job in the kitchen and meals have never been more efficient or tasty.  But for some reason the inventories keep coming up short. He says it must be something wrong with the version of Microsoft Excel that the Supply Office uses.

So Ehud says everything is ready to go and the deal can be finished before Lights-Out tonight.  He just needs you to put 2 cartons of cigarettes and a bag of bamba in a large manila envelope and drop it off with Shlomo the Orderly in the recreation yard. And if you can make the delivery by 3 PM, he will even throw in a blank Sick Pass from the Infirmary.

You know, even though you’re doing time and it isn’t easy here, things are getting better every day. And having a few high-profile convicts isn’t that bad either.  Maybe it means they make the place just a little bit nicer for everyone. No complaints here! And get this, for some reason Aryeh Deri got the Knesset to build us a Shabbat-Compliant elevator that will be completed before the High Holy Days!

Margot Wallstrom

Citing International Law, Israel Charges Margot Wallstrom with “Illegal Occupation” of Her Stockholm Apartment

(AFP:TT News Agency:Henrik Montgomery

(Photo Credit: AFP/TT News Agency/Henrik Montgomery)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/20/2016 at 2:30 PM

The Hague- In a dramatic move at the International Criminal Court (ICC), the State of Israel filed formal charges against Swedish Foreign Minister Margot Wallstrom, citing the “Illegal Occupation” of territory her Stockholm apartment.  The Legal NGO Shurat Ha Din filed a “Friend of the Court” brief on behalf of the State of Israel’s charges, outlining the illegal nature of Ms. Wallstrom’s unilateral land grab queue-jumping acquisition of a subsidized apartment from a Swedish Labor Union.  Attorney Robert F. outlined the charges.  “By illegally acquiring this property and the dispossession of the rightful renters, Ms. Wallstrom committed a clear criminal act under International Law.” When asked by the Daily Freier how he defined International Law, Robert replied, “We are adhering to the common-use ‘Brussels Standard’ for International Law violations, meaning it can be defined as ‘stuff that makes me personally unhappy or uncomfortable’.  Ms. Wallstrom’s actions clearly meet or exceed these standards. Oh and we’re pretty sure that she chopped down some olive trees in order to expand her patio last year.”

For her part, Ms. Wallstrom was defiant in declaring her innocence of wrongdoing. “I was treated equally. Just a little more equally than everyone else.” Ms. Wallstrom continued; “These charges are simply not true.  I must remind the plaintiff that while European politicians may invoke ‘International Law’, we are by no means bound by it. I mean, really. This is like EU 101.”

In addition, Ms. Wallstrom’s attorney argued that the rush to condemn the apartment purchase in the international arena was circumventing the legal process of Sweden.  “This obsession with ‘International Law’ is truly counterproductive.  And what is with Israel’s obsession with labels anyway??”

Despite the severity of the accusation, the Israeli public is definitely not united in its support for these charges, with noted Real Estate Law expert Ehud Olmert sharing a dissenting point of view. “So she used her political influence to land an insider real estate deal?  I really don’t understand what your point is.”