Tag: Kerem House

Aliyah, U.S. Embassy in Israel March 20, 2023

Top Ten things that will happen before your Appointment at the American Embassy in Jerusalem

(photo credit: Wikipedia)

So the United States Embassy in Jerusalem decided that they want to be the Capitol of Buzzkills, because nobody can get appointments for nothing. We don’t want to say we called it, but back in 2021 we kinda called it. You see, the Embassy has been in a bit of a funk ever since they had to move from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. Then Covid arrived and the virus became the perfect reason for government employees not to do things like “their jobs”.

But now it’s 2023, and The People are restless. How do we know this? Because we’re Anglo Olim; and if there are two things that Anglo Olim love, it’s complaining and WhatsApp groups. Right now we are on a bunch of these groups, where Olim are complaining and sending around petitions demanding that the Embassy give us some appointments.

Will the petition do any good? Here at The Daily Freier we like to speak in riddles. So behold: a list of Ten Things that will happen before you get your appointment at the U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem!

“Fiddler on the Roof” duet featuring Matisyahu & Roger Waters!
Kerem House thinks your idea for an event is just Too Crazy to work.
Soldier on your Taglit trip wants a commitment before things go any further.
Bartender works at Mike’s Place for over a month.
Hen Mazzig & Ariel Gold move to Spain together.
Allenby doesn’t smell like pee today.
“Asking for a friend” post on Secret Tel Aviv is actually asking for a friend.
“I’m going back to Ulpan next year!”
Your friend comes back from Midburn but doesn’t really have much to say about it.
Moshiach!

Elections 2022, Israeli Politics August 6, 2022August 6, 2022

Crisis: 35% of Israelis have never formed a Political Party with Ayelet Shaked

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/6/2022 at 09:50 AM

Jerusalem: Late Thursday afternoon, Israel’s Knesset TV station released shocking news. According to published reports and confirmed sources, as many as 35% of Israeli citizens have never been in some sort of political coalition with MK Ayelet Shaked. The Daily Freier set out to discuss this breaking development with real people from across Israeli society, so this isn’t going to be like the times we just interviewed our Juice Guy or our Vaad Bayit.

Yet before this story goes any further, we must stress that we are huge fans of Ms. Shaked. This is because she consistently provides the Daily Freier with amazing fresh material. For example:

1) In order to mock the Israeli Left, she once made a fake commercial for a perfume called “Fascism”. Really.

2) Before the 2019 elections, she made an 80’s-style conceptual music video that can only be described as the weirdest thing that we have ever seen in Israel… and we hang out at the Kerem House. It was a breakup song. Except it’s about the IDF and the Supreme Court. And the Supreme Court is a lawyer with more than a passing resemblance to Ms. Shaked. And the Army is a dude in uniform with a Tel Aviv beard. (Bonus Points: Naftali Bennett performed a spoken-word rap on the video. We wish we were lying to you.)

3) She helped us create one of our favorite memes.

So once again, the Daily Freier set out to speak to Real Israelis about their feelings about Ayelet Shaked not yet joining them in a Coalition.

“Hmmm.… are you sure I have never been in a Coalition with Ayelet?” inquired Rehovot resident Dorit S. as she walked through her Shufersal looking for Watermelon and Arak. “I’m quite sure that I met her at my cousin’s Tzimmer up North last summer and signed some papers. Wait, that was my building’s Pinui Binui papers. Never mind.“

The Daily Freier then spoke with Danny C. as he waited for his order of chicken and fries at the Ashdod KFC. “I don’t know why Ms. Shaked has not reached out. I spoke with my friend Yair from Miluim. He says she offered him one of the less important Ministry positions if he signed on with her.“

Finally, we spoke to Stav as she purchased her train tickets at the Hadera station. “I joined her Coalition last year, but we got in an argument over Monetary Policy and I quit. At least that’s how I remember the story. We were at MidBurn.“

The Daily Freier hereby announces that it will enter a Coalition with Ms. Shaked in exchange for a free parking spot in that Municipal Lot near HaBima, some Tubi, and tickets to Lola Marsh.

Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living July 18, 2020August 22, 2022

Top Ten Reasons why Kerem House moved

Over the past year, the Daily Freier has grown very attached to our favorite Tel Aviv ~~cult~~ community organization. We even teased them a little in an article! So it was a bit of a shock when we got the news that Kerem House had moved a few blocks away. Anyhoo, we cyber-stalked various Kerem House Committee Members and asked them the reason why they decided to move. So Behold, here is our Research!

1) We received a message from HaShem.

2) The Police started to ask questions about our Crypto Currency.

3) We needed to break up with our vegetable guy at the Shuk.

4) Wanted to be closer to Bograshov when the French arrive in August.

5) It was a chance to score another free Mezuzah from Chabad on the Coast.

6) The guys from MidBurn built a tipi on our roof and refused to leave.

7) We explained this in our Newsletter. Wait, you don’t subscribe to our Newsletter? Here, give me your phone. OK, you’re signed up now.

8) The mold in our bathroom wanted to live closer to the beach.

9) We applied for a Nefesh B’Nefesh “Go North” grant.

10) You’re gonna have to attend our next weird-ass TED Talk to find out.

Corona Virus March 31, 2020August 22, 2022

Daily Freier’s Top Ten Corona Fears

1. What if we run out of Biltong?

2. Are they going to close Trump Yeshiva?

3. Do you think someone is Quarantined with Ariel Gold?

4. If everyone’s in Lockdown, who gets to pee in Kikar Atarim?

5. Will this delay next months Elections?

6. What if Kerem House turns all of this into some kind of weird-ass online event?

7. The people still lost in Dizengoff Center: are they maintaining 2 meters distance from one another?

8. Will the Corona Crisis distract Health Minister Litzman from the important work of blocking the extradition of an accused sex offender to Australia?

9. What if Sarah Tuttle-Singer is using this time to write another book?

10. Has anyone told the American Oleh trapped in Ulpan Gordon for 7 years?

Israeli Politics, Shameless Self Promotion October 18, 2019

Daily Freier Meet-Up & Elections Discussion: What could go Wrong?

Attention all of our Weird Followers:

WHO: You people

WHAT: Meet-Up at the Kerem House

WHEN: Wednesday 23 October, 8:30 PM

WHERE: Gedera 18, Tel Aviv

This is your chance to interact with one another. We’re going to make fun of our upcoming 3rd Election (you KNOW it’s going to happen) and have some drinks on a rooftop and you will all share your personal issues which the Daily Freier will spin into future stories. Your previous plans for Wednesday just seem silly now, don’t they?

Also, it’s going to be at Kerem House, and we lampooned them last week.

Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living October 13, 2019October 13, 2019

Top Ten Worst Kerem House Events

So there’s an exciting new Events Venue in Central Tel Aviv, and it is Off. The. Hook….. Clothing Swaps, Yoga, Modern Dance ~~and also some events for men!~~ They’re doing Shabbat, they did this weirdly awesome night full of Israeli Midburn enthusiasts. They’re doing Country Night. The Daily Freier may even host a meet-up there in the near future. (Stay Tuned!) But for every successful event, there have been some that were…. not so good. So without further ado, here is our Top Ten List of Worst Kerem House Ideas!