Tag: Midburn

Iran War 2026, The Israel Barbie Collection

Israeli Barbie: Missile Shelter Edition!

Well it was quite a month here in Wartime Tel Aviv, and we at the Daily Freier have a lot to tell you. Roxy Cruz is our resident designer of The Daily Freier’s product line of Israeli Barbies to include the Hamas-Gaza War Barbie Collection, the Covid Barbie Collection, and our Startup Nation Barbie Collection. Now she is back with her Brand New Collection of Missile Shelter Barbies, with some honorable assistance by our Tel Aviv Living Editor Aaron Pomerantz, who purposely went to new shelters to collect weirdos. So Behold, The Daily Freier’s newest Barbies!

Ken Idan: Single, 32 years old. Tall for an Israeli guy, dark hair that will fall in 3 years, beard, Birkenstocks. Works in a low-level clerical job at a high-tech company. He is the default Israeli boyfriend. Nice, cool, reads manifestation books, and claims to practice yoga. Uses spirituality as a marketing tool to attract girls. Tells people about a psychedelic experience he had in Peru that changed his life, but forgets to tell them that the experience was only him having a massive case of diarrhea and talking to his deceased grandmothers who were asking for their Tupperware back. Always has an AM:PM 35 Shekel bottle of wine handy in case some girl says yes to him coming over to her mamad.

Barbie Gila: Single, 31 years old. Cosmetician. Always with her friend Sarit, who is also a cosmetician. Calls everyone “mamush” and “motek”. Almost as aggressive and territorial as her dog, a pinscher named Versace, and believes she has a chair that only she can sit on at the miklat. Used to be engaged to Yossi, but they broke up after her brother Tzahi scammed him for 250,000 Shekels and he left her to think about life in Thailand, where he came back married to Alice. Thinks she is very fancy and sophisticated with her white wine and fake designer bags. Inseparable from Sarit, who rolls her eyes every time someone tries to speak to them.

Barbie Miriam the Brazilian Single: Miriam is 28 years old and owns 11 shirts of Brazil to make sure people know where she is from… but men don’t care and women don’t talk to her anyways. Men come up and speak to her in Spanish, she tells them that she speaks Portuguese, and then they say they know because they learned Portuguese when they visited Argentina. Always smiling, always happy, and men are always so nice to her. She’s 2 years away from becoming a real Israeli after finding out those guys are only interested in her arepa. But arepas are from Venezuela.

Barbie Shulamit:  Goes to the miklat with a small radio, shouting live disasters and where the missiles and shrapnel fell. “It is in Florentin now.” “Took an entire building down in Petach Tikva”. Comes accompanied by a foreign caretaker who is totally horrified so she has a nervous smile all the time. 

Barbie Yochevet: A 49 year old Barbie who is suspected to sleep in jeans, considering how she appears in the miklat within minutes in an absolutely collected outfit and combed hair. Always carrying a bag containing her belongings and passport, in case we get rescued like Private Ryan.

Ken Ori and Barbie Osnat: A couple in their 40’s who have 5 children and haven’t been to a party in 7 years. So in order not to traumatize the children in the miklat, they turned it into a Midburn camp where the kids can lay on mattresses, drink wine, drink beer, and watch football. 

Barbie Dorit:  Looks at everyone entering the miklat and evaluates their fashion. Looks people up and down, judging them and why they are still wearing pajamas at 11:00 AM.

Ken Yaki: A 58 year old divorced high-tech guy with no children. Counts the “booms” out loud like nobody can hear it. He is a Missile Sommelier, telling everyone, by the intensity, speed and noise, if it is from Iran, Hezbollah, Hamas or if it is just a door that closed somewhere. Incredibly unhelpful to the anxiety of Barbie Alice: a foreign woman married to Ken Yossi for 5 months and new at the Middle East rodeo. She thinks we are all going to die every time and already enters the miklat crying. Ken Yossi lost his shid with Ken Yaki and wanted to whip him with one of the fairy light cables of Ken Ori and Barbie Osnat’s Midburn, but chilled out after he was offered a beer and a pill from Barbie Roxy’s collection.

Barbie Roxy:  Alternating between clean pajamas for 5 weeks. Heavily medicated. Took a blue pill she found in a drawer. Praying, yet also drinking. Studying Kabbala for self-improvement but does not rule out exorcism. 

* Special thanks to local reporter E.Jas for superb reporting from the field!

Aliyah, Top 10, U.S. Embassy in Israel

Top Ten things that will happen before your Appointment at the American Embassy in Jerusalem
(photo credit: Wikipedia)
Kerem House, Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living, Top 10

Top Ten Reasons why Kerem House moved

Over the past year, the Daily Freier has grown very attached to our favorite Tel Aviv cult community organization. We even teased them a little in an article! So it was a bit of a shock when we got the news that Kerem House had moved a few blocks away. Anyhoo, we cyber-stalked various Kerem House Committee Members and asked them the reason why they decided to move. So Behold, here is our Research!

1) We received a message from HaShem.

2) The Police started to ask questions about our Crypto Currency.

3) We needed to break up with our vegetable guy at the Shuk.

4) Wanted to be closer to Bograshov when the French arrive in August.

5) It was a chance to score another free Mezuzah from Chabad on the Coast.

6) The guys from MidBurn built a tipi on our roof and refused to leave.

7) We explained this in our Newsletter. Wait, you don’t subscribe to our Newsletter? Here, give me your phone. OK, you’re signed up now.

8) The mold in our bathroom wanted to live closer to the beach.

9) We applied for a Nefesh B’Nefesh “Go North” grant.

10) You’re gonna have to attend our next weird-ass TED Talk to find out.

4:20, Israelis Abroad

“Wait, what happened to TeleGrass?” Naama Issachar adjusts to life in Israel

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 2/9/2020 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv: After being caught with some cannabis and spending close to a year in a Russian jail, Naama Issachar is now happily back in Eretz Yisrael thanks to a personal appeal from Prime Minister Netanyahu. Yet a lot has changed here in Israel since the early days of 2019, and Naama discussed her adjustment process to Israeli life with the Daily Freier.

“Wait, what’s up with Telegrass?” Naama asked us, slightly annoyed. “There’s a Nature Party in the Galil next week and I was hoping, I mean a friend was hoping to touch base with my weed guy, I mean a friend’s weed guy.” Naama paused for a moment and reflected. “The funny thing is that all of Tel Aviv basically smells like a giant spliff, but ‘everyone is out of weed‘. Like is that even scientifically possible?”

Naama continued describing the Big Adjustment. “I have so much to catch up on. Things like who won ‘The Voice’, and who we’re sending to Eurovision…. so is ‘Tudo Bom’ still a thing?”

Before ending the interview, we secured a promise from Ms. Issachar that she would update us with all the stories from her inevitable trip to MidBurn and/or Tzfat later this year.

EPILOGUE: While the Daily Freier has a rich history of shrewdly negotiating with Mr. Putin, nobody from the Government bothered to call us. Next time something like this happens, can someone have Bibi’s office send us a text?

4:20, Israeli Politics

“So how did you think we got all our great ideas?” Meretz defends pot smoking MK’s

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/30/2018 at 3:30 PM

The Yafo Flea Market: Meretz is striking back forcefully against a recently re-visited Government Ethics Panel from 4 years ago forbidding their Knesset Members from smoking cannabis. The Jerusalem Post reported that Tamar Zandberg, a MK for Israel’s In-No-Way-Out-In-Left-Field Meretz Party, was admonished that she could not smoke weed because:

a) it’s against the law

b) she’s like a lawmaker and stuff

But if you think our friends at Meretz were going to simply roll over and give up, well, you’re wrong. The Party issued a stern rebuttal to the Ethics Committee, signed by all of their MK’s, and delivered at a Press Conference this afternoon at the Yafo Flea Market.

“This so-called ruling by the Quote Unquote Ethics Committee is totally unjust.” admonished Meretz spokesperson Danny C.  “This ruling deprives our party of some of our best idea generating sessions. I mean, just last night we were only one or two bong-hits away from truly solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.”

Danny continued. “Also, after a marathon 12 spliff session on Tuesday, we came up with a solution to Greater Tel Aviv’s sky-high rental costs which was just brilliant! ….The trouble is, the next morning was “Group Cleanup Day” at our communal apartment on Sheinkin, and now we can’t find the pizza box where we drew the diagrams for all the geodesic domes, houseboats, and rooftop yurts. Wait, do you know what day the Garbageman comes? We might be able to find it in the Green bins next to the curb.”

The Daily Freier asked Danny just how long Meretz has been doing…. ummm…. ‘enhanced brainstorming”, and he replied that it’s been “like years and years”  since this has been the case. “In 2014, the Party drafted a 5-Point Resolution to better integrate Israel’s Arab minority, but by the time we got back from Midburn, we realized that we’d left the manifesto at the campsite in the blue IKEA bag that also held our bamba and glow-sticks.”

Danny then reached under the podium to get the Party’s latest press release on increasing voter participation, only to find that he’d misplaced it. But he was positive that it contained the following phrases: “It worked in Holland“, “commune in the Arava“, “windmill“, and “hemp seeds“.

 

4:20

Nation waits impatiently for your Midburn stories

(photo credit: Secret Tel Aviv)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/23/2018 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Florentin: The State of Israel is currently losing patience with the fact that you still haven’t given them a complete synopsis of your Midburn experience, starting with your Camp’s months of preparation and ending with you driving your filthy car home to Tel Aviv. Midburn is Israel’s answer to Burning Man, and attendees are normally about as reluctant to overshare as a Vegan who does Cross-Fit. Anyhoo, The Daily Freier spoke with several of your friends, neighbors, acquaintances, co-workers, relatives, and exes to get their feelings about your critical failure to tell them everything about your Midburn Camp already.

“Wow, I am DYING to hear about his trip.” exclaimed alert local Ronit S. “I mean, everyone from his camp spent the past 2 months hanging out on our apartment building’s communal roof twice a week.  It turns out they were building a bunch of structures for their Camp.” Ronit took a drag from her cigarette. “You know, for a while I wasn’t sure, because it all just looked like the regular garbage on our roof.”

The Daily Freier also caught up with your ex, who shared her theories on what happened at Midburn. “I’m going to make a crazy guess…. but they did some drugs….. And then they did some more drugs.”

“Did they listen to electronic dance music?” inquired your cousin Avner. “How about glow sticks. Because I really can’t get enough stories about glow sticks.”

“Wait, did the sand end up EVERYWHERE?” asked your Boss at the Startup. “That’s just CRAZY!” Later, your boss confided that you showed him fake tickets to Berlin for a fake Tech Expo because you didn’t want him to know that you were just going to go hang out in the desert and hallucinate/blow bubbles/wear a costume that looked like something from Return of the Jedi.

Meanwhile, this year’s inaugural Nefesh B’Nefesh camp at MidBurn was met with controversy after 7 Americans who had extended their Taglit trip to attend MidBurn woke up from 8 hours on mushrooms only to find out that they had signed Aliyah paperwork and were about to start Ulpan in Afula as part of the organization’s “Go North Program“.

Finally, the women who work in the next cubicle from you had questions of their own. “So we’ve been discussing this all morning….and it’s still just a concept….but did he have a romantic encounter there? And was he not sure if it was a ‘real life’ romantic encounter or ‘just a Midburn thing’?  Because we might have to cancel morning staff meeting and just discuss this instead.”

Yet not everyone in town was even aware that Midburn occurred this week. “So you’re saying that Midburn already happened?” wondered the guy who works at your corner coffee shop. “I guess that explains why I couldn’t get anything on Telegrass last week.“

*Special thanks to alert citizen-journalist Eric Narrow who contributed to this story.

Tel Aviv Living

Tel Aviv man with filthy car now pretending he just got back from Midburn

Guy with filthy car now pretending he just got back from MidburnBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 6/6/2017 at 7:15 PM

Tel Aviv, Maze: So the guy down the street with the filthy car has now come up with an ingenious plan that does not involve actually cleaning his car: subtly letting people think that he just got back from Midburn down in the Negev. Midburn, the Israeli version of Burning Man, ended last Friday. And Midburners are pretty excited about…. TELLING YOU THAT THEY WENT TO MIDBURN.  So everyone who was there is currently telling their friends, relatives, lovers, ex-lovers, supermarket cashiers, cab drivers, former roommates…. basically they are telling EVERYBODY that they just got back from Midburn. And one of the coolest ways to tell people you went to Midburn without actually telling them is to drive around town in your dust-covered vehicle, fresh from the desert.

So the guy down the street? You knew something was up when he started walking to and from his car carrying an umbrella, hula hoops, and light sticks. Also he is suddenly wearing cowboy chaps and a hat made of feathers. And what’s up with the sun goggles? It’s all rather Mad Max Thunderdome. Yet it appears to be working, as he is currently leaning against his car and chatting up two lovely Dutch tourists who seem to be totally buying this סיפור משוגע.

This is crap. It’s like he is just making up sentences using random words like “facepainting, dreadlocks, swing-set, amazing DJ from Luxembourg, sunrise, shaman, hydrating, sense of community, moccasins, and unicycle.” And once again, the biggest insult is that it appears to be working. Not only are the beautiful Dutch guests impressed, but a hand-painted VW van just drove by, honked, and gave him the thumbs up.

Well played, fake Midburner. Well played.

(DISCLAIMER: We just found this car while walking around and made it part of our story. If this is your car, we meant no harm. And for 50 Shekels plus a beer, we will wash it for you.)