Tag: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortes

Tikkun Olam

“Anything happen in Israel this week?” By Chuck Schumer

Hey Ladies and Gents! Wait, Sorry for the Gendered Language! My Staff are going to give me Heck about this when we get back to the office! But give an alter kacher some slack! I’m learning and evolving! Ha! So you like my schtick? Some people say it was dated when they did it in the Catskills 60 years ago, but what do they know, right?

OK Gang, so anyone hear any news from Israel this week? Because I was busy Tweeting about getting away from Fossil Fuels. And the Minimum Wage. And those Darn Republicans. And Affordable Housing. But I didn’t find anything noteworthy in the Middle East to Tweet about. Which is unusual, because my last name is “Schumer” which comes from the Hebrew “Shomer” or “Guardian“. Which makes me the guardian of the Jews, right? I never get tired of telling this amazing anecdote!

So yeah, pretty slow news week in terms of Israel and the Middle East. Which is great because it gives me time to reach out to some of the younger and “more rambunctious” lawmakers. Why, just this week I had coffee with that lovely girl Rashida from out in Michigan. She even taught me a song that she learned from her grandma, only Rashida called her grandma “siti”.  Kind of like a “bubbe” in Yiddish right? So anyway, the name of the song was “Falastin baladna al Yahud kalabna”, and let me tell you, it had a very catchy tune! I don’t know Arabic, but it sounded amazing. Like butta! Rashida said the song was about coexistence. Who doesn’t love coexistence?

Then there’s AOC. What a gal! Can I say gal? Is that word OK? Anyways, she came over for a nice visit to my office! And she brought some amazing cookies from a little bakery in Yonkers! She takes care of me like I’m her grandfather! But you know what’s funny? After we noshed on the cookies, she started measuring the drapes and the desk in my office and holding a swatch of carpet up against the floor. Kinda weird, but you know kids these days right? Anyhoo I asked her what she was doing and she said it was an old Puerto Rican Tradition that one performs when visiting a respected elder. Well I guess that respected elder is me! Naches!

So seriously, is anything happening in Israel this week? Because my staff haven’t told me anything.

BDS

Huge win for BDS after Hurricane cancels Israel visit

“OK, can you stop texting me now, Mr. Waters?”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/28/2019 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Israel’s Hasbara efforts suffered a crushing blow this weekend after a Category One Hurricane failed to show up for its scheduled appearance. Hurricanes are fairly rare in this part of the world, so there was quite a bit of anticipation building up for its arrival. Yet last minute lobbying forced the hurricane, who goes by “Bob”, to cancel his trip. The Daily Freier spoke with Bob as he wandered aimlessly off the coast of Cyprus.

“I just couldn’t take the pressure.” lamented Bob. “Which is ironic, because I’m supposed to thrive in fluctucations of barometric pressure, right?” Bob half-heartedly threw some rain clouds into the atmosphere and continued. “It started when my friend Gus the Tornado told me about the open letter from Roger Waters on the Weather Channel accusing me of ‘Climate Apartheid’. Then some bizarre cat lady started tweeting at me from her vacation to Iran. I couldn’t really understand her message, but she kept saying ‘Seriously, Bob?’…. I just felt unsafe.”

The Daily Freier asked Bob if he had any regrets about his canceled trip. “I really wanted to visit my family in Israel. The Flash Floods down south, my cousin Humidity, and of course my brother-in-law Boaz the Golani Cloud.”

Reaction from the BDS people was unsupringly giddy, with many of the usual suspects chiming in:

“Israel might have hypnotized the world, but it cannot hypnotize the weather. Me and my (EDITOR’S NOTE: Check CNN and insert name of current boyfriend/husband as of 5 AM Eastern Standard Time before this story goes to print) applaud the courage of Bob the Hurricane.” -Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (Democrat, Minnesota)

“If Bob the Hurricane truly wants to educate himself about Palestine, he can listen to the folk songs I heard growing up in my grandmother’s village. You know, songs like ‘Khaybar Khaybar Ya Yahud’. or ‘Falastin Baladna Yahud Kalabna’ . Stuff like that.” – Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib (Democrat, Michigan)

“What’s a Hurricane?” -Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortes (Democrat, New York)

Reaction to Bob’s cancellation among the “Only in Israel!” crowd was unsurprisingly glum, forcing Taglit to cancel a planned stop at the Technion where a representative from ‘Stand With Us’ would explain how Israel invented hurricanes in the mid-1980’s using only solar panels, Waze, and Dead Sea skin products.

 

Election 2018, Jeremy Corbyn, The Jooz

Exciting times for The Democratic Party! By Jeremy Corbyn

I just wanted to take a moment from my day to reflect on some simply amazing developments across the Atlantic. For too long, the Democratic Party pushed all of the same sad old Center-Left/Clinton-Blair themes. But today there are some exciting new faces shaking things up! It is in this vein that I have looked on with much fondness and anticipation at the exciting young voices in the Party, especially Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar. Now Ms. Tlaib has created a very robust coalition, consisting of the Many not The Jew Few, and her friends have some very innovative solutions to the crisis in Palestine. Indeed, some of their Solutions seem rather Final. If this was not exciting enough for one day, finding out that Ms. Tlaib used to write for Louis Farrakhan’s newspaper was quite simply delicious. Minister Farrakhan and I share so much, particularly in our views concerning “The People of the Book”.

Yet in much the same case as with today’s Labour Party, there are unseen powers working against Rashida, Ilhan, and our other friends in the Democratic Party.  Who are these Unseen Powers? We really don’t know for sure, but we have a pretty good idea who (((They))) are. Speaking of which, Ilhan quickly determined the source of Power wielded by a certain group of Rootless Cosmopolitans who claim to come from the Levant.  As the Young People would say, it is in fact “All About the Benjamins“. (Isn’t the Vernacular of the Street simply delightful in its ability to turn a phrase? Fascinating, really.) Finally, we had a voice pointing out what so many of us on the Progressive Left have known for so long: that Israel has been hypnotizing the World. Furthermore, watching Ms. Omar’s vociferous cross-examination of that Zio  former Reagan and Bush Administration appointee Elliot Abrams was quite simply a breath of fresh air. And while she did not know his actual name, and would not let him respond to her questions, her fighting spirit reminded me of the best of George Galloway (who may be back in Labour sooner than you think. You heard it here first!). This was almost as refreshing as my Comrade McDonnell informing us this week that Winston Churchill was a villain!

Yet as much as I admire Ms. Tlaib and Ms. Omar, I would be remiss to ignore the great achievements of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez! Her astute views on the merits of a Socialist Command Economy are a clear indicator of her bright future in politics. We even Tweet to one another sometimes! So while Ms. Ocasio-Cortez may not yet be as far along as Ms. Tlaib and Ms. Omar when it comes to the Jewish Question, all of us in Labour have confidence that she will soon see this issue as we see it.

So while I am not one to blow my own horn, to the extent that any of their new direction was inspired by today’s Labour Party, well I am right chuffed. In fact, I look forward to inviting Ms. Tlaib and Ms. Omar for Tea at the House of Commons some time this Spring!

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"The Squad", Election 2018

Linguists: “Ocasio-Cortes” is Spanish for “Sarah Palin”

[Editor’s Note: We kinda like Sarah Palin. But we’re also glad she’s now doing Reality TV instead of Elected Office. Plus, this was too funny not to use.]

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/18/2018 at 4:30 PM

New York: Scholars from Columbia University’s prestigious Linguistics Department have come up with a bold discovery: that “Ocasio-Cortes” is Spanish for “Sarah Palin“. The Daily Freier attended a Press Conference held by the Department Chair, Professor Nigel Tufnel.

“This is truly groundbreaking.” Professor Tufnel explained. “It’s like a Unified Theory or Something. I mean, now we understand how somebody could believe that the low Unemployment Rate was because ‘everyone was working two jobs.’ We’re in awe.”

The Daily Freier reached out to Congressional Candidate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortes for her feelings on this important research into her surname. “These findings are biased and false, like lipstick on a pit bull.” admonished Ms. Ocasio-Cortes. “I want to refudiate it. Also, I’m not an expert at Geopolitics, but I can see the East River from my house.”