Tel Aviv: The world cheered today after Israeli scientists managed to trap and isolate the Corona Virus in Tel Aviv’s Dizengoff Center Mall. Dizengoff Center is not so much a Mall as it is a confusing series of passageways connected by shops selling candles and/or pop tarts. Yet despite the fact that the Daily Freier has dunked on the mall here hereherehere and here, it is these very qualities that allowed Israel to trap the virus inside of a building that one cannot escape. The Daily Freier put on our masks, washed our hands with soap, and checked out the Health Ministry’s Press Conference outside the Mall’s King George Street Exit by the parking garage.
“The Corona Virus is now trapped somewhere on the 3rd floor between the tattoo shop and the Apple Store that isn’t actually an Apple Store.” explained Doctor Yonatan C. from the Ministry of Health. “It tried to find its way out but became confused and turned around after walking past the playground with the slide protruding from a giant plastic elephant’s butt.”
In order to get all sides of the story, the Daily Freier skyped with The Corona Virus as soon as it got some decent wi-fi. “Where the hell am I? This place doesn’t even make sense.” complained The Artist Formerly Known As Corona. We then asked Corona just how it was lured into such an elaborate trap. “I needed to run some errands…. you know, pick up stuff from the pharmacy, maybe get some Druze Pizza from the food concessions, and drop off dry cleaning. They said they had convenient parking. I walk inside and within minutes I was lost.” The Virus looked around in confusion and began to sulk. “The worst part is the deception.”
As the Daily Freier ended the conversation, the Corona Virus was desperately trying to download the mall’s EasyDizi Navigation App.
Oh Hi There! So you’re attending the Daily Freier’s annual Passover Seder? A-Ma-Zing! Can’t wait to see you! Because this year our Seder is going to be a Very Special Episode. You see, we hid the Afikoman somewhere in Dizengoff Center! That’s right, somewhere in Tel Aviv’s labyrinth of an Urban Mall lies the Afikoman!
Is it in that weird store that sells candles on that ramp near the tattoo place? Maybe, Maybe Not.
Is it in that little shop that sells pop-tarts? Not saying.
Tel Aviv, Dizengoff Center: Tel Aviv’s Cinema scene got quite a fright today with the premier showing of “Dizi Spell“, an independent horror film based on the Dizengoff Center Mall’s “EasyDizi” Navigation App. The Daily Freier was lucky to score a seat to the premier, held at Dizengoff Center’s very own Lev Tel Aviv Cinema. (We were a bit late because, well, you know.)
[SPOILER ALERT] The film tells the story of a young couple, Zachary and Beth, who decide to spend a carefree Thursday afternoon at the Mall. At first the day goes great, with the two getting a coffee and planning their weekend. But then the story takes a horrific turn when they decide to use the “EasyDizi” App to find the Marley Shop so they can look at speakers for their living room. The App continuously turns them around and around as they walk up and down hallways that for some reason are built on a slope. As the lost couple begin to bicker and turn on one another, it becomes clear to the viewer that they are slowly becoming possessed by a talking purple dog that lives within the App itself. In the dramatic conclusion, Zachary and Beth run screaming from the Mall and exit by the Castro’s Clothing Store. As they huddle on the sidewalk shaken and crying and the credits begin to roll, an oblivious new couple is seen downloading the App and entering the mall.
After the film, The Daily Freier sat in on a very special Question and Answer session with first-time Director Adam G. Adam explained his inspiration. “When I first heard that Dizengoff Center had the audacity to create a Navigation App for their Mall, I have to admit, I thought it was some kind of joke. But no, it was far too real. It was at that moment that I realized that there was an amazing Horror Film just waiting to be made. Well that and the App got me hopelessly lost and I ended up spending the night near the Mall’s Loading Dock by the Bograshov Parking Lot Entrance.”
While disappointed that several prominent theater critics got lost near the dark hallway on the second floor that sells luggage and reclining chairs and thus missed the movie, Adam was flattered to host a somewhat disoriented United States Secretary of State John Kerry, who conveniently was in the vicinity.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.