Oh Hi There! So you’re attending the Daily Freier’s annual Passover Seder? A-Ma-Zing! Can’t wait to see you! Because this year our Seder is going to be a Very Special Episode. You see, we hid the Afikoman somewhere in Dizengoff Center! That’s right, somewhere in Tel Aviv’s labyrinth of an Urban Mall lies the Afikoman!
Is it in that weird store that sells candles on that ramp near the tattoo place? Maybe, Maybe Not.
Is it in that little shop that sells pop-tarts? Not saying.
Can I use the “Easy Dizi” navigation App to help find it? You could if you want. But it won’t help.
Is the Afikoman on the parking lot on the roof with the mystery greenhouses? No comment.
Is the Afikoman near the Information kiosk that doesn’t provide information? Our lips are sealed.
Is it near the Elephant Butt Slide? Sadly, that slide no longer exists. So, No.
Can we ask Zachary the tourist who went missing there in 2015? Sure, if you can get ahold of him.
Chag Sameah Bitchez!
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 7/19/2018 at 4:30 PM
Tel Aviv, Dizengoff Center: A relieved nation cheered last night after a team of Thai divers rescued the last of 12 youth who went missing last week in Dizengoff Center, the Central Tel Aviv mall notorious for its random and confusing floor plan. Apparently, the children had set out on an excursion with their youth summer camp last Wednesday and gotten lost somewhere between that part of the mall with all the candle shops and stoner artwork and that hallway with the tattoo parlor. When their camp counselor set out to get help using the Dizengoff Center Navigation App, he became hopelessly lost on the ground floor near that ethnic food fair in the open area by the elevators, and had to survive on Druze pizza for the last 6 days. But The Daily Freier wanted to learn the story of the students’ dramatic rescue, so we attended the news conference outside the Mall’s King George Street entrance (no, not the entrance near the stairway to the McDonald’s. The other entrance. Near the mattress shop, OK?)
Police Spokesperson Yonatan C. addressed the assembled press. “We would like to thank the efforts of our Thai friends. Their unique skills as cave divers allowed them to navigate the twisting tunnels, hallways that ramp up or down for no reason, and stairways that don’t lead anywhere.” Yonatan then brought one of the hero divers up to the podium. “Our line of work is very dangerous.” explained Thai Navy Petty Officer Anurak S. “It is very easy to become disoriented. Up becomes Down, left becomes right. An inexperienced person can panic and lose all sense of reality. And that’s not counting the dangers of that part of the mall near the elephant butt playground.”
When the Daily Freier asked the police if they had found Zachary the tourist who went missing in Dizengoff Center back in 2015, they changed the subject.
(DISCLAIMER: This is Satire! Not real! We are sure there is a perfectly good reason that the dog washery is named “Doggy Style”. And if you are the owner, please contact us because we are like DYING to hear the story!)
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 7/23/2016 at 4:20 PM
Tel Aviv, Yirmiyahu: A new 24-Hour Dog Washery named “Doggy Style” on Yirmiyahu is scandalizing those residents of Tel Aviv who have never seen the slide at Dizengoff Center that emanates from a giant plastic elephant’s digestive track. The Daily Freier was in the area anyway so the story kind of wrote itself.
“I just feel that naming a dog washery after a slang word for a sex act is just inappropriate.” noted Rafi C., who acknowledged that he rarely goes to Dizengoff Center and therefore has never seen the slide on the playground that exits a fake elephant’s butt.
“This is just too much for Tel Aviv” stated Yonatan P. , who admitted that not only has he not seen the Dizengoff Center Elephant Butt Slide, but that he missed the Haaretz Concert last March where a performance artist placed a flag in his butt and pelted the audience with oranges (This REALLY REALLY Happened)
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the name. I think it’s great!” stated alert local Ronit S., as she brought her basset hound into the facility for a bath. While washing her pup, named “Chris”, she added that she is currently working at a Start-Up that does worldwide job placement for Christian Outreach organizations called “Missionary Positions“.