Tag: Namal Port

Hezbollah, Tel Aviv Living

Training for war, Hezbollah builds realistic model of Tel Aviv that’s unaffordable, full of pot smoke & smells like pee

October 29, 2017 Training for war, Hezbollah builds a mock-up of Tel Aviv that’s unaffordable, full of pot smoke & smells like peeBy Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/14/2018 at 8:30 PM

Bekaa Valley, Lebanon: With this week’s little misunderstanding with our Northern neighbors, it appears that the region is one step closer to war. Yes, despite last Autumn’s highly effective #IsraelLovesLebanon hashtag campaign, it appears that not everyone is feeling the love. In fact, Iran continues to arm Hezbollah with advanced weaponry, including its latest “Ben Rhodes” Missile. Yet today the Daily Freier discovered an even more serious escalation: Hezbollah has turned an isolated part of the Bekaa Valley into a realistic simulation of Tel Aviv in which to train its troops. In fact, this “Little Tel Aviv” is so realistic, it’s overpriced, covered in cannabis smoke, full of electric bikes, and smells like dried pee. In order to get a better picture of the situation, the Daily Freier interviewed a Hezbollah representative named “Ali” via Skype.

“Yesterday, we tested one of our squads on what it would be like to be inserted into the city.” explained Ali. “So they hid out in a cafe until dark and ended up spending all of their allotted funds on 30 Shekel cups of coffee. And when they went outside at nightfall, their bikes had been stolen.”

As Ali continued his description, volunteers were visible in the background chugging large amounts of water and tea in order to help put the finishing touches on the city’s unique aromas. “We had to postpone last week’s exercise after our mortar squad tried to take a shortcut through the Namal port and ran out of funds.” Ali then introduced the mortar team leader, Hassan. “We were moving through the Namal and saw a Shuk, so we said ‘Hey, let’s stop for supplies.’ An hour later we wandered out with 4 white potatoes and a jar of tahina for 150 Shekels….. They said it was organic.”

To make matters worse, Ali revealed that their Logistics Unit quit halfway through the Exercise and decided to form a start-up. “Now they just stand on the roof all day with their shirts off playing ping-pong.”

Ali also explained that the problems reached as far as Hezbollah’s Women’s Auxiliary. “Zeynep is one of our sisters in the Resistance who served as a role player in ‘Little Tel Aviv’. But last week she bought a small dog and now she has a fitness-themed Instagram page that tries to sell you nutrition supplements and organic smoothies.”

As we ended the chat, Ali explained that next week their simulated Tel Aviv would receive a massive infusion of people speaking nothing but French.

Obituaries & Transitions

The Daily Freier: Obituaries & Transitions

The Daily Freier Obituaries & TransitionsDanny B.   Danny recently moved from Tel Aviv to Jaffa, but forgot important medication at his old apartment.  After falling ill last week, Danny contacted his former housemate to bring him the medication, but because “Jaffa is kinda far” and “you really can’t take a bus“, Danny never received it.

Maya G: Maya traveled with friends from Tel Aviv for a night out in Jerusalem on Thursday when she felt short of breath. Maya immediately called Emergency Services, but as she was unfamiliar with the city, explained her location to the Dispatcher as “a really nice club in Jerusalem with a cool vibe.” The dispatcher told Maya to stop prank-calling Emergency Services with fake calls and hung up on her.

Natan P: In late May, Natan went to one of the bars on Dizengoff with the outdoor tables and the stools and passed away today after waiting 32 days for the waitress to return with the check.

Hillel C: Early this Spring, Hillel went to his restaurant job at the Namal Port wearing his uniform of black pants and a white shirt. It was a bit cold so he wore a hat.  As he was passing Max Brenners, a conservatively dressed girl who was waiting by herself asked if he was Hillel. He said yes and started to talk with her. Things were going well and they walked to the bridge over the Yarkon and looked at the water and talked about their families. Halfway into the evening he realized he was on somebody else’s Shidduch Date.  The couple currently reside in the frum part of Beit Shemesh and are expecting their first child.

 

 

 

Save

Save

Save

Save

Beach

Tel Aviv Man “Just Overwhelmed” By Upcoming Summer Speedo Purchase

Tel Aviv

(Photo Credit:popikphotography.com)

By Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 2/29/2016 at 10:50 PM

Tel Aviv, HaNamal- A local guy is “really in a weird place right now” about the looming decision he must make: exactly which Speedo to buy in preparation for Tel Aviv’s Summer Beach Season. “This is exhausting……I…..I just feel overwhelmed.” sighed an exasperated Shlomi P. as he browsed shops at Tel Aviv’s upscale Namal Port. Shlomi constantly weighed the different factors in his head that would influence his purchase. “I put on some weight this winter in the gut….and so I want a Speedo that will really  accurately reflect this…..you know…..Just a real spillover effect. But at the same time, I want a Speedo that is loose enough that I can carry my Smart Phone in there.” (* Editor’s Note: We actually saw a guy pull his phone out of his Speedos once, and our therapist says that if we continue with our progress, we may un-see this event within two years.)

When it comes to the Speedo purchase, Shlomi must deal with multiple potential conflicts. Not only must Shlomi deal with his own body image issues, bu there is also the hidden menace of peer pressure.  “Is there judgment going on when  you hit the beach? Definitely. You do NOT want to be caught out there wearing last year’s Speedo.”

As he continued to browse the shops, Shlomi stressed that his Speedo purchase is a form of self-expression, a chance to build his brand. “Not everyone on the beach wearing a Speedo is who they say they are. There’s a lot of imposters out there. But I’m just going to keep on keeping it real. Wait….does this navy blue play up my tucchus?  Because I’ve been doing some squats in the gym this winter.”

 

Start Up Nation

New Google Glass-Israel Edition Cause Everything You See Here To Make Sense

800px-google_glass_user_at_the_wikimania_2014_opening(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 12/18/2015 at 1:30 PM

Herzliya Pituach: Start-Up Nation has done it again, as Google unveiled the new “Israel Edition” of its famed Google Glass franchise.  Google Israel spokesperson Dalit K. addressed an excited tech media at the company’s Herzliya campus.

“With our new Israel Edition of Google Glass, the absurd things that happen to a user here are received as images, broken down into data packages, reconfigured, and received by the user’s eyes as normal every day activity. But we want to test it, so we will now drive the Google Bus around Greater Tel Aviv giving the Israeli public a chance to experience “Google Israel Glasses” first hand.”  The Daily Freier was lucky enough to tag along on this historic ride through Tel Aviv with the Google Bus.

“OMG these are Amazing!!!” shared recent Olah Rachel C.  “So right now I’m driving into the Namal Port Shopping Outlet and a heavyset 50-year-old shirtless guy holding a clipboard is now directing traffic. So I am just going to stop, slip on my Google Israel glasses, wait for the man to wave me on, and keep driving! Problem solved!  Thank you, random shirtless guy!  And thank YOU, Google Glass- Israeli Edition! Hey…. can I borrow these for a few minutes?  I need to go online and check Secret Tel Aviv!”

The Google Bus then stopped at Tel Aviv Savidor Central Train Station and spoke with commuter Yonatan S. while he debited his “Rav-Kav” transit pass at a kiosk. “So the money I load for the trains on my Rav-Kav can’t be used for buses in Tel Aviv….which can’t be used for buses in Jerusalem…which can’t be used for inter-city buses. Oh and you only have space for 8 different transportation companies. So I put on the glasses, and, <bang!> it was like, “Of COURSE it’s like that…. You know, I should’ve gotten these a long time ago.”

The Daily Freier was then able to render assistance to several confused Dutch tourists.  “I do not understand. We traveled from Ben Gurion and got out at Savidor because everyone said it’s the Central Train Station.  But it isn’t actually central to ANYTHING! What the hell?” cried a confused and exhausted Esmee G.   At this point the Daily Freier handed Esmee a pair of Google-Israel Glasses and she calmed down immediately and rallied her friends. “OK guys, let’s walk to our hotel on Hayarkon Street.  It’s only 2 miles.  Thank you Google Israel Glass!”

Not everyone was impressed with the glasses.  Alert local Ronit S. disdainfully tried on the glasses. “OK big deal. Whatever. Nothing’s changed.  What a rip-off…..Hey, I gotta go.  I need to get these documents to the Ministry of the Interior before they close at noon. And they only accept them by fax.”

Based on the early success of their “Israel Glasses”, Google plans a new version specifically for Haaretz subscribers called “The Amira” that make everything that one sees  appear to be caused by “The Occupation” and basically all our fault.

The first copies of Google-Israel Glasses will be available at participating stores early next week, except for people who have gone on Birthright, who apparently for years have been issued them the moment they get off the plane.

Save