Category: Hamas

Beach, Hamas July 26, 2014January 15, 2021

Authorities Interdict Hamas Sleeper Cell in Tel Aviv Disguised as Family Walking Seven-Abreast on Jogging Path While Chatting, Twentysomething Woman Walking Very Large or Very Small Dog, Middle-aged Man at the Beach in Speedos

By Aaron Pomerantz & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/26/2014 at 10:30 PM

Tel Aviv- Tragedy was narrowly averted today, thanks to the vigilance of some alert citizens when authorities uncovered a Hamas Sleeper Cell. In a sign of the growing sophistication of Hamas’ operations, the sleeper cell was designed to mimic groups of people typical to the municipality. According to interrogations conducted on the agents, this included a family of seven blocking the entire jogging path while they yak about whatever and don’t let you past. In addition female Hamas agents were trained to walk dogs weighing either less than 2 kilograms or more than 50 kilograms while Whats-Apping and holding a large coffee. Finally, retired heavyset Hamas agents were trained to walk around the beach wearing Speedos. It was this final part of the cell that ultimately gave them away, as the Speedo-wearing agent was discovered as he tried to exit the sea at Gordon Beach. Alert resident Ronit S. spoke with the Daily Freier “I was swimming with my girlfriends and I saw this middle-aged guy in a Speedo approach. When he didn’t suck in his chest, square his shoulders and cock a sleazy look at me and my friends, I knew something was wrong, so I called the police”. Ronit continued ” I mean, WTF? We’re HOT, Right?” Interrogations of the cell also led authorities to anticipate a sleeper cell disguised as a guy in capri pants wearing a fanny pack, a man on a motorized bicycle heading toward you on the sidewalk at 50 kilometers per hour, and an older Russian speaking woman behind you in the checkout line who definitely wants you to hurry up.

Hamas, John Forbes Kerry July 21, 2014January 15, 2021

Kerry Swings Support behind Hamas After Group Accuses Israel and Egypt of “Swiftboating”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/21/2014 at 9:30 PM

Cairo- At today’s peace talks, in a stunning turnaround reversing 30 years of US policy, Secretary of State John Kerry sided with Hamas at the expense of longtime allies Egypt and Israel after Hamas informed Kerry that Egypt and Israel’s actions amounted to “swiftboating”. According to well placed sources, the Hamas delegate said “Mister Kerry, our treatment at the hands of Israel and Egypt is similar to your treatment by those jealous and spiteful former Naval Officers during the 2004 Presidential Campaign.”, as a captivated Kerry nodded sympathetically. Egypt’s delegate to the talks, speaking on the condition of anonymity, stated “I got to hand it to Hamas. We got played. Straight. Up. Played. At one point, the Hamas delegate asked Kerry how he kept in such great shape and insisted that he looked far too young to be a Secretary of State. We just couldn’t keep up with their full court diplomatic press.” When asked to explain this debacle, a frustrated Israeli rep noted “I dunno, I guess I knew we were in trouble when Hamas told Kerry that the Palestinians invented windsfurfing”.

Hamas, Tel Aviv Living July 20, 2014July 20, 2017

Hamas Cancels Plan to Inundate Tel Aviv Streets with Business Cards Advertising Sex Industry After Finding Out It’s Been Done Already

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/20/2014 at 11:26 AM

Tel Aviv, Allenby Street– Tragedy was narrowly averted when Hamas hastily called off a plan for drones to drop hundreds of thousands of tiny business cards advertising the sex industry on Greater Tel Aviv.

“We had a very well planned out operation” said Hamas operative Abu Ismail. “We had an Iranian drone and plotted a course going out to sea from Gaza, up the coast past Occupied Jaffa, fly in at 10 feet above the water, pop up when we hit land, and drop the payload. The entire municipality’s streets would have been covered with thinly veiled advertisements for prostitution. Men, women, and children would have seen this filth. Your society would have become even more debased than it is now, no offense.”

When he learned that, in fact, the streets of Tel Aviv were already littered with such items, Abu Ismail was incredulous. “On one hand I was disappointed. Our boys trained many months for this sacred mission. On the other hand, I was kinda cheesed out. I mean, Really? Littering the streets with advertisements for the sex industry? That just goes beyond the limits of good taste.”

Dating and Relationships, Hamas July 17, 2014July 13, 2017

Guy in Missile Shelter Says He’s Only One Or Two More Alerts Away From Asking Out Girl From Second Floor

stock-footage-man-and-woman-talking-outside-at-night1 By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 7/17/2014 at 6:20 PM

Ramat Aviv– Summer TAU student Ethan Schwartz told sources today that he is “like this close” to asking out an attractive coed known simply as “Melissa from Rockland“. Mr. Schwartz noted, “I saw her during the first alert last Tuesday, and each alert I’ve been able to throw a little light banter. You know, a joke here and there. ‘Where’d you go to school?’, that kind of thing. I even showed her the Red Alert App on my Iphone. Yesterday after the All Clear, I laughed and said ‘See You Soon!’ as I was leaving and she kinda giggled.”

Concerning recent peace efforts, Mr. Schwartz expressed reservations; “If this current ceasefire holds through the weekend, my entire timetable is thrown off“.

When contacted by Daily Freier Staff about Mr. Schwartz’s overtures, “Melissa from Rockland” had no idea in fact who he was.

Hamas, Start Up Nation July 17, 2014July 11, 2019

Hamas Hacks into HOT Cable Customer Service, Leaves Site Unchanged

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 7/17/2014 at 3:30 PM

Tel Aviv–According to published reports, the cyber attack branch of the Izz ad-Din al Qassam Brigades successfully penetrated the website of HOT Cable’s Customer Service Office. However, upon review of the options provided to customers on the website, the hackers chose to leave the site as is. A Field Commander known simply as Abu Ali stated “We really wanted to hit the Zionist enemy hard by changing the site so it left him feeling confused, helpless, and angry. But like our friends on the Flotilla said, ‘That ship has sailed‘ “. In a possible sign of rapprochement between peoples, Abu Ali noted “HOT Telecom? They’re OK, for a pack of perfidious Jews“.

When pressed for future operational plans, Hamas stated that they intended to hack into Orange Telecom, Bank Leumi, and the Ministry of Religious Service’s Conversion Department, and not change anything.

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