Tag: The Donald
By Lee Saunders
Last Updated 5/2/2017 at 10:30 AM
Tel Aviv, Gordon Beach: Israeli Security Agency Shin Bet pooped a brick and a half this morning when Donald Trump’s Air Force One accidentally appeared in the country’s Independence Day aerial flyover.
The whole Middle East held its breath as the U.S. President’s private jet, returning from a photographic tour of the Hezbollah Gorillas In the Mist, suddenly veered left, pirouetted and somersaulted into the Israeli Air Force’s procession up the Mediterranean coast.
The crowd ooooohed and aaaaahed but it was clear that the annual display was only supposed to feature F-35’s, F-52’s, B-52s, Commodore 64s, paper planes, the helicopter from the A-Team, the Starship Enterprise, the hot air balloon starring Wonderwoman Gal Gadot, and a drone owned by patriotic forgetful taxpayer/model Bar Refaeli. Incidentally, United Airlines was not invited. And El Al was late. And then, out of nowhere, a plume of orange smoke sent terrified beachgoers diving for cover.
The Donald, unusually defensive, tried to defuse the situation: “Why the fuss? Melania didn’t believe me that Israel was the size of New Jersey. I wanted to show her. Happy 69th Birthday Israel. 69 is the best number. Just the best. I love that number and believe me, I have had a lot of numbers. #69” tweeted the U.S. President, with a winky emoji.
Never one to reveal too much, Press Secretary Sean ‘I’m-calm-now‘ Spicer added: “Afterwards, the President had a very lively, I mean friendly, chat with Israeli PM Benjamin No-you-can’t-do-too-yoo-hoo. We are also planning to display the might of the US Air Force…. in a surprise flyover… starting in Washington DC at 8pm on Saturday…. after the Trumps come back from a celebratory dinner on the Champs-Élysées with the Le Pens, Les Pens, the Pens, Ha Penim. Whatever. With fountain pens and stationery. Damn it. I don’t know. It’s been 105 days. And I’m tired.”
North Korea’s little dicta-doll, Kim Wrong Un almost choked on his Sausage and Egg McMuffin in disbelief.
#goingtohellinahandbasket
#hunkerdownandprayfordaylight
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Lee Saunders
Last Updated 3/15/2017 at 10:30 PM
London, Westminster: The British security and intelligence agencies were left scratching their heads last night after UK Prime Minister Theresa Bridget-Jones-May left her personal diary on a high-speed train to Reading. It is the most embarrassing incident to happen on an East Midlands train since her predecessor ‘Call Me Dave’ Cameron was caught red-handed in the disabled toilets with a wild boar named Beryl who hailed from Cheshire.
The terror threat around Flange Station was raised to salmon pink as MI-5 agents frantically scoured the carriages, interrogating anyone who looked like they had been on holiday or had an Irish accent.
In an exclusive breakthrough just hours ago, a page of the diary was leaked to the Daily Freier’s Editorial Staff, raising speculation about the Prime Minister’s ‘special relationship’ with US ginger heart-throb Donny ‘So Much Winning’ Trump.
“Ever since he called me before Vladimir and Angie, my heart has been all aflutter at the prospect of his visit. I have taken up a little Zumba and I already have my new kitten heels from last summer’s holiday in Magaluf. I think I will also trim my “Maggie“.
The “Maggie” is a popular hairstyle favoured by politicians such as Angela Merkel and the new King of Scotland, Nicola Sturgeon, who immediately called for a third referendum on whether haggis should be served in post-Brexit Britain.
Sources are rushing to establish if the diary’s handwriting was that of the Prime Minister or of senior Republican strategist KellyAnne ‘Feet on the Sofa’ Conway. Asked for a comment on how special the relationship was by the White House press corps (which now consists of just Smitty, a janitor at the Washington Post plus the guy who writes Garfield), Press Secretary Sean ‘I’m-Calm-Now’ Spicer said: “She’s no Melania, but I so would…” before screaming “I gave you 2 pages of his tax receipts, just go home!”
A real clue was scribbled on the back of the diary entry: “When our hands touched at the White House, it was wonderfully romantic, I can’t explain it, there was instant electricity… carpal tunnel, arthritis, rheumatism.”
Case closed.
(We originally published this story on Israellycool in 2017)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 2/27/2017 at 12:30 PM
Washington: With the Trump Administration’s controversial new Middle Eastern policy of not being Iran’s bitch renewed skepticism toward traditional adversaries and not telling allies where their nation’s capital is, critics fear that if things don’t change quickly, the region may face a renewed outbreak of Thomas Friedman.
Noted author, New York Times columnist, and pundit Thomas Friedman, who had something relevant to say as recently as Bill Clinton’s second term, is somewhat of a worst-case scenario, involving baklava anecdotes, talking to the audience on Face the Nation like he’s talking to a somewhat slow four-year old, and the inevitable name-dropping reference to the late King Hussein of Jordan. The Daily Freier spoke off the record with several Inside-the-Beltway experts about their fears.
“The Administration really needs to tone it down.” explained a career diplomat from a Western European nation currently stationed in Washington. “The moment Trump announced that he might move the Embassy, I was like ‘Oh boy. It’s only a matter of time before Thomas Friedman makes some goofy metaphor involving Shimon Peres, the New England Patriots, and his latest Uber Driver.’ I just wish Trump’s team would be more cautious. We’re dealing with serious stuff.”
“Do those guys want Friedman to write another sequel to the Lexus and the Olive Tree???” admonished a retired Army Officer from his Northern Virginia home. “Because this is how we get another sequel to the Lexus and the Olive Tree.”
“Brookings is having a free lecture tomorrow that’s open to the public.” explained a prominent Congressman from the West Coast. “But I’m afraid to attend. Because we are like THIS close to Thomas Friedman entering an out of control vortex where he somehow strings together his Beirut landlord in the early 80’s, the new iPhone, and Anwar Sadat’s eye doctor.”
The Daily Freier is currently working on a drinking game involving Mr. Friedman’s inevitable lecture tour on this fascinating subject.