“Do I have the Right of Return you this Sandwich?”
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 12/31/2017 at 5:00 PM
Ashdod: The International Community was in an uproar today as Greta Thunberg communicated to the Outside World from The Zionist Entity about just what sorts of torture she was being subjected to. Specifically, Ms. Thunberg has been sent to Ashdod, which is worse than Afula a city 40 kilometers south of Tel Aviv. We were able to speak to Greta as she juggled Zoom calls from CNN, Al Jazeera, and a visibly smitten Piers Morgan.
“OK this place sucks.” complained Ms. Thunberg as she tried in vain to find a cool place in town to get drinks tonight. “This place actually gives me FOMO for Rishon LeZion.” The Daily Freier asked Greta to describe her impression of Ashdod in one sentence. Ms. Thunberg thought for a moment, deleted 4 unread texts from Peter Beinart, and replied: “It’s like Ashkelon without the crazy nightlife.“
The Daily Freier asked Ms. Thunberg if there were any redeeming qualities to her newfound place of temporary residence. “So I was really excited when I found out about the Philistine Museum in Ashdod.” Greta noted. “But it was a total rip-off. Nothing about Marwan Barghouti, nothing about the Sinwar Brothers, nothing about Me. It was just a bunch of stupid Exhibits about some Idiots who showed up on Boats from Greece.” Ms. Thunberg looked into the distance for a moment deep in thought. “Wait a second….”
Searching for answers, The Daily Freier contacted Ashdod Municipality and spoke to a friendly lady named Sapir. “That girl complains about everything, even the sandwich she got from the IDF. I mean, it’s still better than the Food in Ben Gurion Terminal One!” The Daily Freier asked Sapir if the City has any contingency plans in case Greta continues to complain. “Normally in Ashdod, we just send our problems to Beit Shemesh on a wagon driven by Oxen.“
As the Daily Freier prepared to publish the story, we got a WhatsApp message from Ms. Thunberg asking us if we knew about “any good clubs in Modiin“.
This week we learned that UNRWA’s protests that they don’t even know anyone in Hamas might be a bit rich. Not just because a dozen of their employees attacked Israel on October 7th, but now we learn that Hamas was running a data center underneath UNRWA’s headquarters! Now their leadership is claiming they had, like “No Idea” what was underneath their HQ. Here at Daily Freier we sympathize with the United Nations and want to help. Perhaps we can assist the UN in finding “red flags” that indicate that maybe things are not as they seem. So without further ado, Behold! The Top Ten Signs there’s a Hamas Bunker underneath your office!
John Cusack always loitering in the break room.
Your Bluetooth asks if you want to match with “Yaya Sinwar’s iPhone”.
Goat wearing a miniskirt & fishnet stockings comes and goes at all hours of the night.
Rashida Tlaib calls and asks what time everyone goes home at night because she’s “just curious”.
You show up early to work one morning and catch Roger Waters taking a dump.
Your Handyman wanders around emptying his pockets of dirt just like in Shawshank Redemption.
There’s a Wolt driver at the front door but nobody in the office ordered food.
Someone always bangs on the floor with a broomstick whenever you make noise after 10 PM.
Your summer intern tells you that the noise in the basement is just Chabad doing home improvement.*
There’s a sign on the basement door that says “To the Top Secret Hamas Data Center”.
*Too Soon?
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.
1. The Straits are closed but he still has more oil than Diddy.
