Category: Hezbollah

Hezbollah, Home Economics, Top 10

Hassan Nasrallah’s Top Ten Home Safety Tips
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

With today’s reality of hectic schedules and struggling to maintain a work/life balance, Safety in the Home is often neglected. Yet we at the Daily Freier actually know a guy who has somehow managed to stay safe despite the fact that he is a shut-in who weirdly insists that people are trying to kill him. So we reached out to our neighbor to the North (Did you know that the Daily Freier was once on Hezbollah Television? Neither did we!) for advice. Don’t let anyone tell you that Sheikh Nasrallah is not helpful, because he was very quick with his response to us, despite the fact that he insisted on communicating via Western Union Telegram. So here it is: Hassan Nasrallah’s Top Ten Home Safety Tips!

 

1) An Electric Coffee Maker should never greet you in the morning by saying “Heyoosh!”

2) Never trust a Beeper Salesman who offers you free Chasers of Tubi.

3) Your watch is ticking: OK. Your IPod Touch is ticking: Not OK.

4) Ibrahim Aqil probably shouldn’t have posted that meet-up on LinkedIn.

5) Just because an Electronics Company has low prices & good service doesn’t mean it’s not secretly Israeli.*

6) Remember when a Telemarketer was the worst kind of phone call that you could get? Good Times.

7) Wait, why did my Google Calendar just schedule a meeting next Tuesday afternoon with Soleimani?

8) “Imad Mugniyeh once hired us to detail his car.” is NOT a good reference on a Company’s website.

9) That guy who said Open Communication is the key to good relationships? Well he’s an idiot.

10) Careful! Some cultures respond aggressively when you fire missiles at them every day for 12 months.

 

 

* OK but this was really an honest mistake on their part. -The Daily Freier Editorial Staff

Hezbollah, Top 10

Iran Ambassador’s Top Ten Excuses for having Hezbollah Pager

Imagine our surprise when, Boom, the Iranian Ambassador’s pager blew up and took out one of his eyes yesterday (Dayenu!). Because it doesn’t even make sense. I mean, Hezbollah is an organic Lebanese Resistance Movement. So when Israel blew up its pagers, we were like, ‘Hey, why does Iran have one of Hezbollah’s pagers? They’re not Lebanese!’ But despite the lack of logic of it all, the Daily Freier has soldiered through and delivered you this Cornucopia of random ideas that ran through our head. So Behold: Iranian Ambassador  to Lebanon Mojtaba Amani’s Top Ten Excuses for having a Hezbollah pager.

1) I need Up-To-The-Minute Alerts about when Travis Kelce is going to propose to and/or break up with Taylor Swift

2) Sometimes they need an extra guy to make Minyan.

3) My wife took away my iPhone after she caught me in Mohammed El Kurd’s DM’s.

4) I was putting together an outfit for an 80’s Night.

5) Was listening to Biggie Smalls and just wanted to Keep It Real.

6) Kind of Obsessed with Nino Brown in New Jack City right now.

7) I was getting easily distracted by the Snake game on my 2001 Nokia phone.

8) Threw away my Samsung Galaxy because Robert Malley kept sexting me.

9) The Ayatollah chastised me for my old phone’s Matisyahu ringtone.

10) I am part of a criminal regime that has taken over  Yemen, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon in order to fight Israel to the last Arab.

Hezbollah, Tel Aviv Living

Training for war, Hezbollah builds realistic model of Tel Aviv that’s unaffordable, full of pot smoke & smells like pee

October 29, 2017 Training for war, Hezbollah builds a mock-up of Tel Aviv that’s unaffordable, full of pot smoke & smells like peeBy Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/14/2018 at 8:30 PM

Bekaa Valley, Lebanon: With this week’s little misunderstanding with our Northern neighbors, it appears that the region is one step closer to war. Yes, despite last Autumn’s highly effective #IsraelLovesLebanon hashtag campaign, it appears that not everyone is feeling the love. In fact, Iran continues to arm Hezbollah with advanced weaponry, including its latest “Ben Rhodes” Missile. Yet today the Daily Freier discovered an even more serious escalation: Hezbollah has turned an isolated part of the Bekaa Valley into a realistic simulation of Tel Aviv in which to train its troops. In fact, this “Little Tel Aviv” is so realistic, it’s overpriced, covered in cannabis smoke, full of electric bikes, and smells like dried pee. In order to get a better picture of the situation, the Daily Freier interviewed a Hezbollah representative named “Ali” via Skype.

“Yesterday, we tested one of our squads on what it would be like to be inserted into the city.” explained Ali. “So they hid out in a cafe until dark and ended up spending all of their allotted funds on 30 Shekel cups of coffee. And when they went outside at nightfall, their bikes had been stolen.”

As Ali continued his description, volunteers were visible in the background chugging large amounts of water and tea in order to help put the finishing touches on the city’s unique aromas. “We had to postpone last week’s exercise after our mortar squad tried to take a shortcut through the Namal port and ran out of funds.” Ali then introduced the mortar team leader, Hassan. “We were moving through the Namal and saw a Shuk, so we said ‘Hey, let’s stop for supplies.’ An hour later we wandered out with 4 white potatoes and a jar of tahina for 150 Shekels….. They said it was organic.”

To make matters worse, Ali revealed that their Logistics Unit quit halfway through the Exercise and decided to form a start-up. “Now they just stand on the roof all day with their shirts off playing ping-pong.”

Ali also explained that the problems reached as far as Hezbollah’s Women’s Auxiliary. “Zeynep is one of our sisters in the Resistance who served as a role player in ‘Little Tel Aviv’. But last week she bought a small dog and now she has a fitness-themed Instagram page that tries to sell you nutrition supplements and organic smoothies.”

As we ended the chat, Ali explained that next week their simulated Tel Aviv would receive a massive infusion of people speaking nothing but French.