Hi Freiers! It’s time to discuss our favorite topic: Ourselves! So now you can read, re-read, and commit to memory our Top Ten stories of 2018 hyperlinked below, then choose your favorite story from the poll at the bottom of this page! So here they are, in no particular order. Winners will be announced next week. Choose Wisely, Freiers!
To: Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation
4 Staraya Square
Moscow, Russia 103132
From: Office of the Daily Freier
Tel Aviv Central Bus Station, 4th Floor
Next to the Asian Grocery (Not that one, the other one)
Greetings from Tel Aviv! How are things in Moscow? Cold? We bet! While we still haven’t been to Moscow, we HAVE been to Ulpan Gordon, and it’s kind of similar! Anyhoo,we know you respect people who are direct and to the point (Hi Donald!) , so we will get right to be point:
We know that in the past you have given apartments to random Jews. And, Hey! We are Jews too! And, trust us, we are Random. Plus, our apartment is giving us allergies. It’s like the mold colony has its own personality or something. So we are really counting on you doing us a solid and letting us stay in your new apartment. But we also know you are a businessman, so we are willing to offer terms:
The Daily Freier will run at least one shirtless photo of you per month. With a gun. Or a crossbow. Maybe a photo of you on horseback. Or interacting with wildlife! The sky is the limit! Plus, we will satirize the hell out of Ukraine’s leadership. Just really give them the business. Know what we’re saying? Also, we are willing to pay the Arnona and Va’ad Bayit. Is the Va’ad Bayit OK? Does he actually fix anything? Let us know.
Folks, 2017 was a good year for the Daily Freier. Like, mamash good. So many stories. So very many stories. But which one is your favorite? Questions, Questions. So here is your chance to impose your own opinions on everybody else! Read, re-read, and commit to memory our Top Ten stories of 2017 hyperlinked below, then choose your favorite in the poll that follows. So here they are, in no particular order. Winners will be appear next week as a #TBT. Choose Wisely, Freiers!
South Beirut: The Daily Freier has received some unsolicited and somewhat unwanted publicity lately. Hezbollah, an organization that lately has seemed better at killing Sunni Muslims than it is at killing Israelis, has its very own television station called “Al-Manar”. And Al-Manar just aired the Daily Freier Movie, only they shortened the title from “American Oleh trapped in Ulpan Gordon for Seven Years” to “That Idiot Jew“. The Daily Freier tried to call Sheikh Nasrallah for an interview, but he’s scared the Mossad would trace the call. So we settled for Hussein, a production assistant at Al-Manar TV.
“We really felt this was a story for the whole family.” explained Hussein. “Mothers, fathers, children, grandparents…. they can all sit together in the evening and enjoy the story of this walid majnoon named Jeff.”
Yet it was not only Al-Manar that loved the show, but also the average man and woman on the street. The Daily Freier asked one of our friends at Reuters to wander South Beirut and ask random people how they feel about the Daily Freier movie.
“That ridiculous Jew named Jeff! He is so stupid!” chuckled a barrel-chested guy with a mustache named Jaffar. “I will keep tuning in to see if he learns future tense verbs. But I doubt this will happen.”
“I really loved the show! He is such a fool!” exclaimed Fatima. She then quickly looked around to make sure nobody was listening and lowered her voice to a whisper. “I know it’s Haram… but I find ‘Jeff’ strangely attractive.”
Word of Al-Manar’s airing of “That Idiot Jew” has even moved beyond Lebanon and is now enjoying popularity abroad. Famed singer/songwriter/activist/dick Roger Waters was quite excited about the new show. “Finally! a show that really has a message!” Roger exclaimed.
While Al-Manar has enjoyed significant success with their new show, it has not come without protest from the Daily Freier itself. Our editor Yuval Weiss shared his anger during an interview with CNN earlier today.
Yuval: What Hezbollah Television did was illegal! It was immoral! and we are not going to…..
CNN: We have just learned that your website has 500,000 unique hits today alone. Additionally, a Muslim Dating Site wants to purchase a 2 month block of advertising on the Daily Freier. How does this…
Yuval: On second thought, we all must try to show greater empathy. We reluctantly accept Hezbollah’s actions in the name of cultural sensitivity.
In another piece of good news, after watching Hezbollah TV’s version of our movie, The New Israel Fund just offered us a 50,000 Shekel grant.
Memorandum For: The Honorable Rachel Freier, 5th District Civil Court, New York
From: The Daily Freier (Landsman!)
Subject: Cease and Desist Order r/e use of name “Freier”
1) Greetings from the Daily Freier, providing fact-based news from Tel Aviv! And not to get all Kanye, but we are the best English language fake news source in the Levant. But we know you are a busy woman so we will cut right to the chase. We need you to change your name.
2) We understand that you graduated from law school while raising six children (now a grandmother! Mazel Tov!), volunteered as a paramedic, and are now the first Hasidic woman to be sworn into elected public office in the United States. And that’s great. But we run a Blog.
3) We have built a certain brand identity. Like at the Shuk, everyone says “Here comes the biggest Freier”. And we get a special price. Because we’re Freiers. Also, you’re really messing up our Search Engine Optimization. People go online looking for our stories about disillusioned jellyfish leaving Israel for economic reasons, Tel Aviv’s new beach for Dati dogs, or a story about an American Oleh whose Hebrew is so bad that he remains trapped in Ulpan Gordon for 7 years. Instead, they read about a professionally successful woman in the Jewish Community. And frankly, this is unacceptable. And our shysters Legal Department does not like this. At all.
4) We seek an amicable outcome where you change your name so it doesn’t sound like us. And as a token of our sincerity, we will send a t-shirt and coffee mug. Because Am Yisrael Chai.
Hey Freiers! That was quite a year we just had! And now you can look back at all the sights and smells through the pages of the Daily Freier! And then drink something and try to forget it happened! Anyhoo, why don’t you vote for your favorite story of 2016. Winning story gets republished!
So our friends at Elder of Ziyon have nominated us for Best Satire/Humor site for 2016. So please check out all of the categories. And if you want to second our nomination at the site, that’s cool also.