Tag: BDS

Historians now claim that Roger Waters was once in a Band

494px-roger_waters_en_el_palau_sant_jordi_de_barcelona_the_wall_live_-_05(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/9/2015 at 1:30 PM

Cambridge, United Kingdom: Historians at the University of Cambridge’s King’s College dropped a bombshell this morning: that noted Anti-Semitic crank outspoken critic of Israeli policies Roger Waters was once in a popular band that played music that people enjoyed listening to.  The Daily Freier spoke by phone with Professor of Contemporary British History Baba Booey for details on this breakthrough discovery.

This is really quite remarkable, but prior to being known for drawing the Star of David on pigs and being creepily obsessed with Bar Refaeli, Mr. Waters was in a rather successful band known as ‘Pink Floyd’ during the latter half of the 20th Century.”  Professor Booey continued. “Archival history from the pre-Internet era seems to indicate that young people would often paint their dormitory walls with fluorescent paint, turn on blacklights, and play this music on a constant loop.  Apparently marijuana may have been involved.  And unlike Mr. Waters’ current manifestation, this early ‘proto-Waters’ seemed to enrich the lives of others and actually make people happy. Fascinating, really.”

Professor Booey then played a sample of Mr. Waters’ early music for the Daily Freier.  The music was rather excellent, although it was a bit derivative of Syd Barrett’s works.

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Reykjavik City Council Boycotts Israel: Zionist Bjork Fans, Icelandic Matkot League Hardest Hit

 

Björk_at_Cannes(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/21/2015 at 11:00 AM

Reykjavik: The Reykjavik City Council’s boycott of Israeli goods is shaking key demographics in both nations, with fans of superstar Bjork who live in Judea and Samaria, along with Icelandic citizens who play the Israeli beach game of matkot feeling the brunt of the unfortunate turn of events.  The Daily Freier dispatched its International Affairs reporter to Iceland to cover this critical event, but he was eaten by a fire-breathing sea monster when he sailed over the edge of the earth (Hahahah! Just kidding!  No disrespect to our Icelandic readership! Some of our best friends are Icelandic!….Get it? Get it?)

The Daily Freier sat down with Sigur S., chairman of the Reykjavik chapter of the Pan-Icelandic Matkot League to discuss this troubling breach in relations in this critical international partnership.  “Just a balagan. A complete and total balagan.” noted a despondent Sigur as he munched on a mixture of  bamba and sunflower seeds.  “This is going to kill our big plans for a matkot tournament at the local lava-fed hot springs. Well, that and after last year’s ill-tempered walrus incident, nobody wants to sign up.”

Judea and Samaria’s vast fan-base of noted Icelandic musician Bjork is equally despondent.  Shmuel K., President of the Jordan Valley chapter of the Bjork Fanclub, shared his personal pain.  “I believe that HaShem gave this land to us, and I will defend Eretz Yisrael with my life…..But I also believe that “Human Behavior” is just about the most amazing song ever.  My wife BatSheva is a big fan also.  Sometimes, when we’re bored, we’ll just text Sugarcubes lyrics on Whatsapp to each other. But now what? What else can I listen to? I mean, ever since she dressed up as a giant duck, my previous obsession with the Cure just seems so….so….silly and immature.”

The Daily Freier urges its readers to chime in on this critical issue, or maybe just ask Chris Gunness what he thinks.

Tel Aviv University Graduate Students Invoke “Right of Return” In Attempt To Get Back Into Local Bracelet Bar

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By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 9/6/2015 at 10:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov: Tel Aviv University graduate students Melissa P. and Kate D. have adopted “The Right of Return” in their ongoing dispute with a bracelet bar on Bograshov near Ben Yehuda.  The women’s ordeal began earlier this evening around 8:30 PM local time when they arrived at the establishment, purchasing the ’79 Shekel Red Bracelets’, allowing an unlimited amount of house wine, draft beer, and mixed drinks.  After spending several hours at the establishment getting, as one bystander noted, “hella wasted”, the ladies departed the bar.   It is at this point that the narratives of the protagonists in this ordeal diverge, with bar hostess Anat L. claiming that the ladies voluntarily left their seats and set out toward Dizengoff Street, while Melissa and Kate insisting that they were forcibly evicted from their land seats and cast out of the bar “for like no reason”. The Daily Freier spoke with Anat for her perspective on this ongoing tragedy.

Those two were out of control, but I guess the manager likes them.  Anyway, I told them that after 10 PM there is a noise ordinance, and if they want to stay outside they need to keep it down.  Well that led to an eye roll or two.  I had to go back to talk with them two more times.  On the last trip over there, Kate just said “F– this, we’re out, and they stormed off….. Of course they came back like 30 minutes later because, and I quote, “the other place sucked”. But by that time newcomers had settled at their table.  And to just  let them back in would totally disrupt the current demographics of the bar……Welcome to Israel.”

The Daily Freier was also able to speak with Melissa and Kate for their side of the story. Melissa shared her perspective; “Whatever the hostess told you is total crap.  She hates us. She basically ran us off, and then turned around and said that we left on our own accord.  I mean yeah we left, but only because we knew that our friend Ran’s shift starts at 11 and that  if we came back he would take care of us at the bar.  But when we came back, our chairs were occupied.  The whole thing was a disaster……wait, I should know this…..how do you say ‘disaster’ in Arabic???” 

Kate was equally adamant that an injustice had occurred; “We bought these bracelets, and they’re good all night.  Our right of return is inalienable and cannot simply be negotiated away.”  When the Daily Freier asked Kate what kind of repercussions might occur if their wishes were not respected, she noted “If they think they can just get away with this shit, I will boycott them forever……or at least until next Wednesday.  That’s old school hip-hop night.”

Matisyahu Dropped from Music Festival After He Fails To Recognize Narnia as a State

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(Photo Credit: Matisyahu)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 8/18/2015 at 4:20 AM

Valencia, Spain: Jewish reggae star Matisyahu was disinvited from the Rototom Sunsplash Reggae Festival in Valencia, Spain after he refused to sign a statement recognizing Narnia as a state. Matisyahu was the only artist asked to sign the  statement,which also offered recognition of the Inalienable Right of Return for the Narnian people.  The Daily Freier caught up with event organizer Raoul C. for his views on the controversy.

“We simply asked Matisyahu to sign a statement recognizing Narnia as a state, ruled by Peter Pevensie….Or Aslan the talking lion. Take your pick.  They’re not really big on ‘elections’ and stuff in Narnia.” (when saying ‘elections’, Raoul made quote marks in the air with his fingers). The Daily Freier asked Raoul if Matisyahu’s religion figured into the controversy, but he was adamant that this was not the case. “We asked the same thing of every artist who was a swarthy hooked-nosed cosmopolitan, good with money and generally bad at sports….Just so happened that Matisyahu was the only one that fit the bill this time around.” When the Daily Freier challenged this statement, Raoul retorted “Oh come on….You act like this was the first time a Jew was asked to leave Spain.”

Daily Frieier Proud to Announce Launch of New Boardgame “BDS Twister”!

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By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 7/2/2015 at 9:30 AM

Ann Arbor:

Today the Daily Freier is proud to announce the launch of its exciting new boardgame, “BDS Twister“!  BDS Twister lets committed and self-identified “peace activists” find exciting new ways to square their progressive ideals with their tacit support of regimes under which being gay is illegal but honor killings are no big deal.  Daily Freier reporter Harun Kenoğlu covered the product launch today at Ann Arbor’s “People’s Third World Anarchist Food Co-Op” with the details.

“This game is amazing” noted an excited Ethan Smith as he contorted his body on the vinyl game board.  “The spinner landed on ‘Palestinian Unwed Pregnant Woman Killed by her Brothers and Cousins; They Get Six Months Suspended Jail Sentence‘, which is a tough one, but then I was able to contort my arms and shoulders and touch the circle for “Because of The Occupation”!  Winning!”

An equally excited Willow Amoud explained her winning moves. “I landed on ‘Gay Youth flee West Bank for Safety of Tel Aviv’, twisted my torso, popped my elbow, which is easy ‘cuz I’m double jointed, and landed  one hand on “Because of the Gaza Blockade”,  and the other on “Stop Pinkwashing!”  Double points!

Dylan Cohen, a grad student getting ready for a Masters program this Fall at Tel Aviv University, was beside himself with excitement. “So with BDS Twister, I can protest the Separation Fence, I mean ‘Apartheid Wall’, wave my American passport at the Border Police if they get too close, then return to Tel Aviv by nightfall knowing that because of the Wall, I can go out clubbing and drinking without the fear of getting blown up!  Amazing!”

Daily Freier contacted BDS organizer Omar Barghouti, who was less than thrilled but seemingly unsurprised  that a Jewish guy found a way to make a quick buck off of BDS.

In Stunning Change of Tactics, BDS Movement Now Recruiting Bad Musicians to Visit Israel

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(photo credit: backstreetboys.com)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 5/5/2015 at 2:32 PM

London:

The Boycott, Divest, and Sanctions (BDS) Movement, long known for attempting to block artists from visiting Israel, has now stunningly changed tactics.  BDS is now actively recruiting truly bad musicians to visit Israel and inflict their art upon a helpeless populace.  “We felt that foisting bad art on them is the best way to hit  the Zionist Entity…..I mean Israel.” noted BDS Spokesperson Art Peterbein. According to Mr. Peterbein, “I mean it’s one thing to force the cancellation of a highly talented, highly nuts artist who thinks paying her taxes is optional, but inflicting a series of Boy Bands from the ’90’s just seemed more…..satisfying.”  Local residents reacted to this chillling new development with a mix of fear and annoyance.  Local shopkeeper Tomer P. stated “Robbie Williams was bad enough.  But Backstreet? I mean, that ain’t nothin’ but a heartache.  Ain’t nothin’ but a mistake. Tell me why?”  Ramat Gan housewife Bat Sheva S. was equally upset “OMG! A.J. ‘Bone’ McLean was my favorite!  But then, you know, I turned 12.”  As of this of this morning, Nickelback was still in negotiations with BDS for their Autumn 2015 tour of Tel Aviv, Jerusalem, and Eilat.

Roger Waters tells Israel to stop naming towns in Judea & Samaria After Pink Floyd Songs

roger-waters-keffiyeh(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 4/20/2015 at 11:46 AM

London: World Renowned Recording Artist Roger Waters, in an angrily worded open letter in today’s Issue of the Guardian, demanded that Israel stop naming new neighborhoods in Judea and Samaria after Pink Floyd songs and lyrics. “From Kiryat Dark Side of the Moon to Kfar Crazy Diamond, this crime against humanity has to stop right now. “, the renowned recording artist and freelance jerk opined in today’s Guardian. Mr. Waters continued “If this does not stop immediately, I will hector various artists into not appearing in Israel and creepily troll Bar Rafaeli in my concerts.”  When asked what would happen if Israel complied with his demands, Mr. Rogers indicated that in this case he would…. hector various artists into not appearing in Israel and creepily troll Bar Rafaeli in his concerts.  Residents of Ma’ale Comfortably Numb seemed unfazed by the ruckus. Local handyman Shlomo K, stated “Roger Waters? Didn’t he used to be in a group with Syd Barrett?”

When reached for comment, Jerusalem Municipality spokesperson Dov L. appeared conciliatory, “We respect Mr. Waters’ opinion and welcome all outside advice on this difficult issue vis-à-vis the Israeli- Palestinian conflict. Hopefully, these outside voices can help bring us and our neighbors closer together……I mean, it’s like we’re two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl. Year after year. Running over the same old ground. What have we found? The same old fears.”

When asked if the Government had a message for Mr. Waters, Dov simply said “Wish you were here”.

Intellectually Honest BDS Supporter Fights Israel Using Commodore 64, Voicemail, AOL Chatrooms

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By Mark Levy & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/20/2014 at 11:30 PM

Berkeley, California- Ardent opponent of Israeli policies Daniel Hanson fights tirelessly for the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions (BDS) Movement, while strictly using technologies that Israel had no part in creating.  “When I first got into the Movement, I was organizing flashmob protests using Whats-App.  Then I found out Israelis built it.  So from then on, it was voicemail messaging.  I also got a pretty good answering machine with those tiny cassette tapes at the United Way store, so I have been able to really record some good weekly messages on Israel’s Apartheid Wall in the West Bank.”  Mr. Hanson went on to point out that once he learned the I-phone and pentium chips are also products of Israeli know-how, that out of principal he could no longer use modern computers.  “Which is no big deal because I have souped up this Commodore with an extra 500K of RAM plus an extra 5 1/4″ floppy drive.”  Mr. Hanson noted that he now logs onto an AOL chatroom where he is able to “really reach out to the community” on this important subject.  When Daily Freier reporters last spoke to Hanson, he was perturbed that our most recent email to him had a 1 Megabyte attachment, and “totally killed my bandwidth for the day”.