Tag: BDS

Freier from the Future, Jeremy Corbyn, Labour Party

A.D. 2040: Tories send Androids through Time to destroy Labour

A.D. 2050: Tories send Androids through Time to destroy Labour

By The Pan-Earth Daily Freier Conglomerate Staff 

Last Updated 4/30/2040 at 300 Solar Hours

Edgeware Spaceport: Leaked reports from today’s Conservative Party Conference point to a sinister plot to destroy its rivals: create a team of unpleasant and obtuse androids, send them through a Black Hole to the Earth Year 2016, program them to infiltrate the Labour Party, and destroy the Party from within by making it an international laughingstock.

Prime Minister Beckham held a news conference where he denounced these plans; “We fully and forcefully denounce this treacherous  attempt to preemptively destroy the Coalition by ensuring that it never existed. We denounce the creation of the Corbynborg, designed to seek out unsavoury Hezbollah and Hamas “friends” for tea. We stand fully against the Gallowayback Machine, allegedly programmed to annoy even its friends while it dresses as a cat. And we deplore the planned RedKen 2000, and its obsession with a certain Austrian Corporal from the mid-20th Century.”

The Conservative Party for its part denied all charges, with MP Styles pushing back at the accusations. “These charges are ridiculous on their face.  No serious Party would let itself get taken over by such a group of clowns, no matter how sophisticated you programmed them.  This is simply another fantasy invented by the Prime Minister and Lord Mayor Russel Brand.”

 

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BDS, Roger Waters

Help us Roger Waters, You’re our only Hope!

barry

Dear Roger,

We know that we may not have started off  “on the right foot” together.  But that was the past. It doesn’t make any sense to dredge up “old hat”. Like the time we said you got hired by MSNBC. Or the time we said that you were no Syd Barrett. Or the time we said you were a dick ….. No, it is time to move past old conflicts.  To let go. To throw off the past (Hey, how do you say ‘throw off‘ in Arabic?  A bit rusty over here).

So, here’s the thing.  There’s no easy way to say this. We Need Your Help. We’re going to say two words. BARRY. MANILOW. In Concert. Tel Aviv. Israel. June 30th (OK, that’s like 8 words). Which has left us in the uncomfortable position of rethinking our stance on the BDS Movement. Like maybe we can meet you guys half-way.

Bottom Line: You need to stop this shit. NOW.

We know you can do this.  We’ve seen you in action.  You convinced highly talented, highly nuts singer Lauryn Hill to cancel her Israel tour (What’s her beef with the Jooz anyway?  Was it a Jewish accountant who told her that paying your income tax was optional?). Same with Elvis Costello, whose dedication to “peace and justice” appears to be a bit of a new thing for him.

Anyhoo, we are like begging you. And we’re willing to lend a hand.  Tell us what you need.  Social Media?  Stuffing envelopes? An angry mob?  We’re there!  Teaming up with George Galloway in solidarity wi…. well, no.  Not so much.

Help us Obi-Waters Kenobi, you’re our only Hope.

Hugs,

FREIER!

The Daily Freier

BDS, Jeremy Corbyn, Labour Party

Corbyn ‘Concerned’ by tomorrow’s Anti-Semitic Tweet From Labour Councillor

Steve Punter :Corbis

(Photo Credit: Steve Punter/Corbis)

By Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 4/10/2016 at 11:50 AM

London: Labour Party Leader Jeremy Corbyn expressed his concern following tomorrow’s tweet from a Labour Party Councillor alleging that the Joooz secretly run the banks from a secret enclave in the Swiss Alps.  Labour, which lately appears to strive to be the “Socialism” in “The Socialism of Fools“, was taken very much off guard by tomorrow’s tweet, as this type of thing simply does not happen in Labour.

The Councilor who will send the tweet, from Luton or Birmingham or maybe Manchester, is now “under investigation” and will be expelled from the Party the day after tomorrow, after which he or she will quietly be re-admitted some time around August.

In other news, members of Labour’s Environment and Ecology Committee have proposed a tree-saving initiative in which instead of a full-page statement, the Party will denounce future anti-Semitic tweets with a terse “Please see our last statement on this subject.”

Mr. Corbyn for his part stressed that tomorrow’s tweet will be an isolated incident. “I am extremely concerned with tomorrow’s tweet. However, I must state that tomorrow’s tweet is not part of any pattern of anti-Semitism within the Party.  And neither was the previous incident.  Nor the incident before that. Nor the one before that. Nor the one before that. Nor the one before that. Nor the one before that.”

 

 

 

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BDS, Mossad

Max Blumenthal: Mossad Secretly Turned Me into a Nepotist Hack

 

Max_Blumenthal_on_RT_America(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/20/2016 at 10:50 PM

Reston, Virginia: Noted pundit Max Blumenthal dropped a bombshell of an accusation earlier today: that Israel’s Clandestine Service undertook a secret program that slowly and deliberately transformed him into a hack writer who cashes in on the connections of his father, noted Hillary Clinton advisor Sidney Blumenthal.  The Daily Freier sat down with Max at a local Starbucks to get the whole Megillah.

“It all started about 10 years ago. I was a somewhat intelligent, if not particularly original college graduate. I guess the Mossad saw that as a threat. So they must have given me some sort of serum I guess. Or subliminal messages in my TV. Or maybe put a virus on my Mac….  Anyhow, within a couple of years I realized that I had degenerated into a cliché-ridden anti-Israel hack writer.  And yeah, Dad did not like that at all.”

The Daily Freier pressed Mr. Blumenthal for details on his alarming accusation.”I still don’t totally get it myself. Things just got….weird. For example, this German politician called me an Anti-Semite. So somehow the Mossad got me to follow him into a public restroom so I could yell at him. Now I’m banned from the Bundestag. [NOTE: THIS REALLY HAPPENED].  Real crazy stuff. And then, get this, the Israeli’s got a  guy at that right-wing magazine ‘The Nation’ to describe my book as having been written for “The Hamas Book of the Month Club”…. I gotta admit, that’s pretty clever…..But yeah, Dad fixed that guy good.“

In order to hear all sides of this troubling saga, the Daily Freier reached out to the Clinton campaign to get Hillary’s take on what her Key Advisor’s son has been up to vis-a-vis the Joooz. In response, her campaign spokesperson provided the following statement. ‘Secretary Clinton has nothing but the highest regard for Max. Which is why the campaign has provided him a generous grant to help with ‘Campaign Outreach’ in Papua New Guinea.  The grant runs through mid-November, and unfortunately there won’t be a lot of Internet for Max to communicate with the rest of the World.  But that’s the price one must pay for his expertise.  We look forward to reading his Trip Report sometime around Thanksgiving.”

When the Daily Freier asked Max for clarification on his new gig in the South Pacific, he promised to get back to us just as soon as the ghost of Christopher Hitchens stopped ruthlessly mocking him.

BDS

Spinal Tap’s Summer ’16 Israel Tour Forces BDS to Boycott a Fake Band

This-is-spinal_tap_4

(Photo Credit: This is Spinal Tap)

By Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 3/12/2016 at 4:50 PM

Tel Aviv: Spinal Tap’s much-anticipated bookings in Israel for their 2016 Summer Tour have placed the Boycott, Divest, and Sanctions gang in a bit of a conundrum: how to boycott and shame a band that doesn’t really, like “exist”. Yet this has not stopped BDS, with the level-headed pragmatists at Electronic Intifada leading the way. “We’ve stalked all the real bands, so we were like, why not harass a fake band on a fake tour?  I mean, isn’t that the point of BDS? To get worked up about something that never really existed?”

BDS’ efforts have recently received a boost, with Roger Waters chastising his fellow veterans of the British scene for their plans to rock their Israeli fans.  Asked to describe how annoying Mr. Waters’ pestering has become on a scale from 1 to 10, Spinal Tap guitarist Nigel Tufnel described the Ex Pink Floyd frontman as “going to 11“

For their part, the members of Spinal Tap had specific questions about Israel. Bassist Derek Smalls appeared to have real concerns about Ben Gurion Airport’s famed security.

Not to be outdone, new BDS powerhouse Vassar College joined the scrum, declaring that if Spinal Tap played Israel, they would not be welcome at their campus, before admitting that nobody really wants to play in Poughkeepsie anyway.

 

BDS, Hanin Zoabi

Vancouver: We Booked Noa Because Hanin Zoabi Was Busy

Noa-Photo-screenshot-YouTube-Eurovision

(Photo Credit: Eurovision)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/15/2016 at 9:30 PM

Vancouver: The City’s Jewish Federation responded today to public outcry concerning their decision to invite controversial singer and Left Wing Activist Achinoam “Noa” Nini for their Israeli Independence Day festivities.  Ms. Nini, a talented Israeli singer/songwriter, is not shy about expressing her views on how much Israeli leaders and voters totally suck.  Yet while the situation has ruffled some feathers, the Federation stressed that the decision to book Noa was taken simply because Hanin Zoabi’s Spring schedule just could not accomodate a trip to Canada. Ms. Zoabi, a member of the Israeli Knesset when she is not sailing on boats with Hamas,  has been busy filming a pilot for BBC, running Israel’s version of “Scared Straight” for at-risk youth, and getting suspended from the Knesset for holding a moment of silence for people who stabbed Jews.  Ms Zoabi reacted with regret to the missed opportunity. “As much as I wanted to participate in Vancouver’s  Naqba Day Yom Ha’atzmaut festival, I just have too much going on.”

Vancouver Federation spokesperson David G. explained his organization’s stance. “When we saw Ms. Zoabi’s performance in Amsterdam for Kristallnacht, we were just blown away. Simply amazing how she commemorated a solemn memorial to the Holocaust by trashing Israel.  So we really hoped we could book her to do a Spoken Word Poetry Slam.  But unfortunately, she just had too much on her plate.  It is for this reason that we booked Ms. Nini, and we are sure she will do just as well!”

For her part, Noa plans a performance that will include (Spoiler Alert!)  some of her original works, plus some songs by Roger Waters.

Reaction from Israel’s political arena was swift, with Naftali Bennett declaring that since Noa is now recognized as a political expert, that he plans to release a hip-hop album. Yet at the same time, many of Noa’s fans are traveling from near and far to see her.  The Daily Freier spoke to longtime fan Dickie Silverstein. “I really want to come up from Seattle for the concert, so I went on my blog to solicit donations to pay for my bus ticket and a room at the Super 8. So far I’ve raised enough money to get to Bellingham. I can’t wait!”

While Yom Ha’atzmaut 2016 is still months away, planning is already underway for Vancouver’s 2017 event.  “I can’t stress enough just how long it takes to plan these events to perfection. It is for this reason that we have already set up a committee to plan next year’s event.”  When the Daily Freier asked David for specifics on what they could expect, he coyly stated “All I can say is: Cat Stevens, call your agent!”

 

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BDS

New Study of White College Students Links Prolonged Keffiyeh Use with Being a Prick

 

scienceBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/15/2015 at 1:20 PM

Washington: The National Institute of Health (NIH) issued a groundbreaking and controversial report today, providing clinical proof that prolonged and extended usage of keffiyehs by college-age white people can lead them to become just total insufferable pricks.  Sabrina H., a spokesperson for the NIH outlined the findings in a contentious press conference at the Institute’s Washington Headquarters.

“The study we place before you today is the result of 8 years of prolonged research on multiple college campuses across the Western World.” Sabrina explained the linkage further, as she directed the audience’s attention to a Powerpoint Graph on a large screen. “What we are seeing is the progression of a typical subject sample named ‘Blake’.  Here we see Blake as he began Undergrad Studies at the University of Oregon in Eugene…..  So he’s showing a baseline of moderate dickish tendencies.  He is speaking incessantly of his ‘Gap Year’ experience teaching English abroad.  But notice what happens when he begins incorporating the keffiyeh into his wardrobe halfway through First Semester Sophomore Year.” Sabrina then gestured to a profound spike in the Graph’s Y-Axis of Prickdom. “Now this keffiyeh is serving as what the NIH describes as a ‘gateway’ accessory.  This keffiyeh opens him up to telling you at length about his change over to veganism.  He’s starting to read Mondoweiss, and not for the laughs.  He is now mere months away from interning on a documentary that includes the words ‘Olive Tree’, ‘Voices’, and ‘Nablus’. He may even start growing bad dreads.”

At this point in the presentation, several (keffiyeh clad!) members of George Washington University BDS staged a mock “Die-In”, disrupting the rest of the event and kinda proving our point.

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BDS

Wix Kinda Annoyed About Losing its BDS Clients

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By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 11/25/2015 at 5:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Namal: Multiple Pro-Israel bloggers have begun publicizing the fact that Anti-Israel activists such as Max Blumenthal, Code Pink, and Students for Justice in Palestine are using the Israeli Platform Wix for their websites.  And Wix is getting a bit annoyed…. at the Pro-Israel Activists!   Wix Spokesperson Noam D. addressed the media at a Press Conference today at their Namal Port location.

” So yeah. Jewsnews? Israellycool? Daily Freier?  You just publicly mocked clients of ours.  Paying. Clients.  I know this seems weird to some of you bloggers, but some of us on the Internet actually, like, make money and stuff.”

Noam was asked if she had a message for the Internet’s Israel Advocacy community. “Do I have a message for the Hasbarah Jamboree? Yeah sure I do……Hey guys, STFU!”

When asked for her personal opinion on the BDS organizations using the Wix platform, Noam replied, “Whatever. It’s not like we’re selling FOREX.”

 

J-Street

There’s a Hot New Dating Site For Jews Who Don’t Really Like Most Other Jews

JDateStreet.png(Photo Credit: Our Legal Department says this does not resemble anything at all)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/12/2015 at 11:20 AM

Washington:  The Jewish Community is abuzz over the launch of a new dating site for Jews who are uncomfortable with Israel, dislike most Israelis, can’t stand the Congregation they grew up in, hate Birthright, don’t get along with anyone in their Hillel……OK OK…. it’s a dating site for Jews who don’t really like most other Jews they meet. The site, titled “J-Date Street” was launched with grants from Billionaire George Soros, the Center for American Progress, and the New Israel Fund.  And certain segments of the Jewish community are VERY excited.

“OMG This is amazing!” noted Amanda K., a content writer at Jewish Voices for Peace.  “I met this guy through the site who seems really nice.  His avatar on the site is ‘Blumen to the Maxx’. He says he’s from a prominent Washington family too!  We have a date tomorrow night in Georgetown!  The only weird thing is he told me to bring a kaffiyyeh, Shabbat candles, and a jar of hummus….. ‘for later on that night’.  I don’t know….is that normal?”

Despite this enthusiasm, the site is running into some problems reaching its target audiences.  The Daily Freier talked to a spokesperson at Code Pink by telephone, who refused to provide a name, as this would be “an exercise in gender-identity exclusionary hegemony, reminiscent of the Zionist tactics of denying historical memory“. As the Daily Freier tried to wrap its head around that last sentence, the Spokesperson acknowledged that it would actually be nice to “meet someone new” as the writers over at Mondoweiss “just spend all day sipping cocoa in their pajamas”

Yesterday the site expanded to Israel, causing  the Blog +972 to miss several publication deadlines as their editorial staff and writers ceased all work related activity for the day and crashed their server when everyone uploaded their dating profiles at once.

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