Tag: Jeremy Corbyn

Hamas, Jeremy Corbyn

Ismail Haniyeh: A Eulogy by Jeremy Corbyn

On Wednesday I awoke to the horrible news that the man I had once invited for Tea at the House of Commons was now dead, another victim of Zionist Aggression. My dear friend Ismail Haniyeh was killed in Tehran, and I am Literally Shattered. (Side Note: Whomever sent me the so called “meme” of Mr. Haniyeh being hit by a “Love missile going straight to the heart” like some middling 1980’s power ballad, let me reiterate: That Is Not Funny.)  When the pundits offered temporary “Band Aid” Solutions to the Crisis in Palestine, what my friend Ismail offered were Solutions. Solutions that were in fact rather Final.

Yet Ismail’s breadth of knowledge and expertise never ceased to amaze me. I will never forget the time I invited him to our Islington Gardening Allotment’s “Compost for Palestine” Gala. Mr. Haniyeh showed an interest in our gardens that left me quite chuffed. In fact, he wandered the garden intently studying the rocks and the trees. He said that if you listened closely, they would speak to you. Now this is a message of Environmental Stewardship that many in Government would be wise to emulate. Yet for some reason, Ismail seemed adamant that we never plant any gharqad trees, an eccentric behavior that I simply took in stride.

I will miss our outings to watch football together, especially when we cheered whichever team was playing Tottenham that day.  He even taught us a traditional Palestinian Football Chant entitled “Khaybar Khaybar Ya Yahud.” It was quite catchy.

As much as I want to putter around the flat today and sulk, there is work to be done. Mr. Haniyeh would want us to be strong. He would also want us to send him money in increments smaller than 10,000 U.S. Dollars via those nice gentlemen at the Finsbury Park Mosque. Today I shall search for the proper wreath to send to Doha in honor of Mr. Haniyeh.

Goodbye Dear Friend.

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Mossad

Iran’s Top Ten Excuses for Haniyeh’s Assassination

We here in Israel were just as Shocked (Shocked I tell you!) as you were when we learned of Ismail Haniyeh’s untimely passing this week. Yet before we could move on with our lives and attain Closure, we needed to get to the bottom of exactly what went wrong with Iran’s security and how they failed to prevent this tragedy. So we put on our Journalist hats and did some real shoe leather work that may or may not have entailed joining a Code Pink Zoom Virtual Shiva. The results were 100% Pure Journalism with a side of hummus. So behold: Iran’s Top Ten Excuses for Ismail Haniyeh’s Assassination!

1. Our new Chief of Security came highly recommended by the U.S. Secret Service.

2. Busy binge-watching “Tehran”.

3. Still understaffed because we thought Ilhan Omar’s ‘brother’ and ‘husband’ were two different people.

4. Roger Waters smoked a joint on the patio and left the sliding door unlocked.

5. Sloped Roof

6. Haniyeh’s Bodyguard incapacitated by the smell from Jeremy Corbyn’s compost pile in the garden.

7. Medea Benjamin keeps sexting us.

8. Our Nightshift Zoom Meeting went late because Trita Parsi doesn’t know how to stop talking.

9. Should have been more suspicious of the Tubi bottles we found behind the shrubs.

10. Our interns from Jewish Voice for Peace were at a Shabbat Dinner on Wednesday night.

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Hamas

Top Ten Reasons Hamas Wants to Leave Qatar
(photo credit:Wikimedia Commons)

Lately Ismail Haniyeh and Khaled Mashal have been threatening to leave their comfy lair in Qatar, which is a respected actor on the world stage that is definitely NOT a giant gas station/television studio providing aid and comfort to a bunch of psychotic murderers from the 7th century. So yeah… apparently the big machers at Hamas have ants in their pants and their boots are made for walking and…. we’ve lost our train of thought. Anyhoo, Behold! The Top Ten reasons Hamas wants to leave Qatar!

1. John Cusack keeps sexting us.

2. The Kiddush Club here is just one big clique.

3. We want to move to a less Western city like maybe Dearborn.

4. Jeremy found us an amazing sublet in Islington near the Tube.

5. Doha’s Gharqad trees made some very catty comments about my wife’s clothes.

6. Last week we almost got trapped in a taxicab with Thomas Friedman.

7. Tired of making small talk with Martin Indyk at the Al Jazeera company picnic.

8. Just landed a job next Semester teaching Ethics at Columbia.

9. Yesterday I sneezed in the Hotel elevator and the Bellhop said “Lebriut”.

10. My friends in Dublin just elected me to City Council.

BDS, Jeremy Corbyn

Sally Rooney’s fight for Chick-Lit Intersectional Justice, by Jeremy Corbyn

Many us share a love for Young Adult Womens’ literature, but found it lacked a particular focus on boycotting a certain country. A country populated by certain Rootless Cosmopolitans who lacked a capacity for British irony. A country located to the Southwest of Syria, a nation whose leader I consider a friend. So imagine how chuffed I was upon hearing the news that Sally Rooney has decided not to translate her works into Hebrew.

As I told my comrades in the Islington Gardening Allotment this morning, Chick Lit finally has a champion in the struggle to erase the Zionist Entity for Palestine.  Sally’s books now truly have “something for everyone”. Our steadfast colleague Diane Abbott noted that Sally’s female protagonists “display terrible choices in men that remind me of some of the choices that I once made as a young woman.” I’m not sure what she’s referring to, but it sounds like a rather authentic endorsement.

Ms. Rooney’s stand is truly a breath of fresh air. For too many months, the Progressive Left in this nation has been hectored by a series of reactionary Kulaks Blairites spinning yarns such as “Why did Corbyn’s Labour rallies feature a sea of Palestinian flags but no Union Jacks?” Yet what these critics don’t understand is that the Northern Counties that abandoned Labour were not interested in jobs or their childrens’ education. Rather, they were waiting for a Woke Novelist to rally the Proletariat in the Struggle for Palestine.

Ms. Rooney, please consider yourself invited to my next High Tea at the House of Commons.

Jeremy Corbyn, Nefesh B' Nefesh

Meet this week’s top Nefesh b’Nefesh Aliyah advisor for the UK!

Nefesh B’ Nefesh is proud to recognize this week’s most effective Advisor for Aliyah from the United Kingdom! Meet “Jezza”, a pensioner from Islington who has done some amazing pro-bono work for our London office!

Jezza is no stranger to Nefesh B’Nefesh, having done a superb job encouraging Aliyah from 2015 to 2020 while working in the Westminster neighborhood of London. Yet this week Jezza really hit his stride, even appearing at a parade with a giant float depicting a grotesque hook-nosed man with demonic eyes! That’s our Jezza!

Yet we are not the only ones who appreciate Jezza. Apparently the busy men and women at Hamas also gave him a shout-out (Non-Satire Alert: This really happened.) In fact, this weekend some of Jezza’s biggest fans decided to drive around North London sharing their support for our amazing volunteer!

When he’s not busy volunteering, Jezza enjoys having tea with friends and working in his gardening allotment.

Jeremy Corbyn, The Jooz

Ice Cube: a Poet Laureate for our times. by Jeremy Corbyn

With so much confusion in the streets, it is sometimes difficult to make heads or tails of what is happening to us, or more importantly, Who is doing these things to us. Which is why I was Quite Chuffed by the recent Twitter activity of Mister Ice Cube. Mister Cube truly cuts through the proverbial noise to deliver some rather uncomfortable truths. Incidentally, many of these Uncomfortable Truths deal with a certain group of people who may or may not be over-represented in the Entertainment Industry. And the Banks. And the Weather. Ice Cube has had some rather unpleasant run-ins with this group, who sadly lack the ability to understand irony and thus appreciate Mr. Cube’s constructive criticism. One thinks of Mister Jerry Heller, Ice Cube’s former manager in the group NWA. It’s hard to believe that it’s been 30 years since Ice Cube wrote “No Vaseline“, which is quite simply a Masters Class in Speaking Truth to Power. When Ice Cube complained that his fellow bandmates had “Let a Jew break up our crew“, well you could have knocked me over with a feather. When Mister Cube then admonished his former bandmates (more out of sadness than anger, one might add) that there was “a white Jew tellin’ you what to do“, one knew that class was in session.

So imagine my pleasant surprise when Ice Cube tweeted a photo of my favorite mural in London. And what a powerful mural it is. The backs of the Oppressed balancing a Monopoly Board. The International Bankers who stand above them, many of whom have a more than incidental physical similarity to some chaps I have encountered on the Northern Line. Now there was the usual complaints from the (((usual))) usual  corners, but my only advice to Mister Cube is to continue to Speak Your Truth. For in the  immortal words of Chuck D, “Apology made to whoever pleases. Still they got me like Jesus.“

Tune in next week when we discuss the exciting career renaissance of Professor Griff!

Jeremy Corbyn, Labour Party, The Jooz

Three guesses who is to blame, and the first two don’t count. By Jeremy Corbyn

Yesterday the Progressive Community was hit by a Disaster, a Naqba if you will. Labour lost huge swathes of Districts across the Nation. You see, Labour’s loss affected me deeply. I truly felt pain. A stabbing pain. In the back to be precise. But today we must take stock of our losses and identify just how this happened to us. Or more appropriately, who did this to us. Walking in the Heath yesterday, I had some time to reflect, and had an epiphany. I believe that I know the root cause of our loss. I will give you three guesses who is to blame for our calamity, but the first two don’t count.

Perhaps there is a group of people out there. A bit different. Unfamiliar with British irony. Perhaps they live clustered along a certain rail line in London. Just for the sake of argument, let’s say the Northern Line. I had a chance to discuss this with Ken Livingstone last night at Momentum’s weekly potluck and he seemed to be two steps ahead of me. He truly has a talent for seeing hidden truths. I believe the younger people would call this “being Woke”. But anyway, we agreed there was a group of people out there. People with a knack for finances. People who also live in a certain country along the Western Mediterranean Coast. But not Lebanon or Syria.

Our friends in Hamas and Hezbollah have perhaps an even keener insight into this group of people. In fact I was simply delighted to learn that Hamas even included folktales about these people in their Charter. I simply did not know how ecologically-minded Hamas was until I heard their folklore about the group of people whom we are currently discussing and how even the rocks and the trees of Palestine knew what we in Britain are just learning now. Fascinating. Simply fascinating.

Have you guessed yet?

Labour Party

Police foil attempt to smuggle British Flag into Labour Party Conference

“He said it was a keffiyeh”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/23/2019 at 4:30 PM

Brighton: A crisis was narrowly averted today by quick-thinking security personnel at Britain’s annual Labour Conference. A man carrying the Union Jack attempted to gain access to the Conference this morning but was stopped before he reached the auditorium. The Daily Freier was on the scene to get all of the facts.

“I knew something was amiss when the individual did not quickly provide a list of preferred pronouns.” explained a Momentum activist named Stephanie at the Credentialing Booth. “Then I noticed that he had a bizarre handkerchief in his pocket with red and white crosses on a blue background. He said it was a keffiyeh, but he wasn’t fooling anyone.  I remembered seeing that thing on a Spice Girls album a long time ago. That’s when I called the Police.”

As the man was led away in handcuffs, frightened attendees shared their feelings with the Daily Freier. “This is absolutely terrifying.” stated a volunteer wearing a “Free Gaza” smock. “Yet the fear I felt is the same that the people of Jenin have felt since 1967. Today’s events have placed me in greater in Solidarity with Palestine. Yalla.”

With the attempted incursion safely under control, Labour Party Leader Jeremy Corbyn held an impromptu Press Conference to allay fears and restore calm. “Today’s events were an attempt by Boris Johnson’s thugs to destroy our Solidarity. We will not be defeated by Hate, because we are For the Many, Not the J….. Not the J….”

At that moment Corbyn’s Spokesperson grabbed the microphone. “Not the Few.”

Election 2018, Jeremy Corbyn, The Jooz

Exciting times for The Democratic Party! By Jeremy Corbyn

I just wanted to take a moment from my day to reflect on some simply amazing developments across the Atlantic. For too long, the Democratic Party pushed all of the same sad old Center-Left/Clinton-Blair themes. But today there are some exciting new faces shaking things up! It is in this vein that I have looked on with much fondness and anticipation at the exciting young voices in the Party, especially Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar. Now Ms. Tlaib has created a very robust coalition, consisting of the Many not The Jew Few, and her friends have some very innovative solutions to the crisis in Palestine. Indeed, some of their Solutions seem rather Final. If this was not exciting enough for one day, finding out that Ms. Tlaib used to write for Louis Farrakhan’s newspaper was quite simply delicious. Minister Farrakhan and I share so much, particularly in our views concerning “The People of the Book”.

Yet in much the same case as with today’s Labour Party, there are unseen powers working against Rashida, Ilhan, and our other friends in the Democratic Party.  Who are these Unseen Powers? We really don’t know for sure, but we have a pretty good idea who (((They))) are. Speaking of which, Ilhan quickly determined the source of Power wielded by a certain group of Rootless Cosmopolitans who claim to come from the Levant.  As the Young People would say, it is in fact “All About the Benjamins“. (Isn’t the Vernacular of the Street simply delightful in its ability to turn a phrase? Fascinating, really.) Finally, we had a voice pointing out what so many of us on the Progressive Left have known for so long: that Israel has been hypnotizing the World. Furthermore, watching Ms. Omar’s vociferous cross-examination of that Zio  former Reagan and Bush Administration appointee Elliot Abrams was quite simply a breath of fresh air. And while she did not know his actual name, and would not let him respond to her questions, her fighting spirit reminded me of the best of George Galloway (who may be back in Labour sooner than you think. You heard it here first!). This was almost as refreshing as my Comrade McDonnell informing us this week that Winston Churchill was a villain!

Yet as much as I admire Ms. Tlaib and Ms. Omar, I would be remiss to ignore the great achievements of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez! Her astute views on the merits of a Socialist Command Economy are a clear indicator of her bright future in politics. We even Tweet to one another sometimes! So while Ms. Ocasio-Cortez may not yet be as far along as Ms. Tlaib and Ms. Omar when it comes to the Jewish Question, all of us in Labour have confidence that she will soon see this issue as we see it.

So while I am not one to blow my own horn, to the extent that any of their new direction was inspired by today’s Labour Party, well I am right chuffed. In fact, I look forward to inviting Ms. Tlaib and Ms. Omar for Tea at the House of Commons some time this Spring!

Save

Save

Save

Save

Jeremy Corbyn, Mossad

Jeremy Corbyn reviews the new Eichmann Movie
(photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today we look at the newly released film “Operation Finale“, the sad tale of a rogue nation taking so-called justice into its own hands. This movie recounts the story of Israel’s illegal and extra-judicial kidnapping of Adolph Eichmann from Argentina, a lovely country that is also home to the Malvina Islands. Apparently, Mr. Eichmann had some sort of role in the Holocaust. Now let me say clearly that the Holocaust was a tragedy (although truth be told some of my friends in Hamas whom I have hosted for tea would agree to disagree. Also, they would have put quote marks around the word “Holocaust.”) Yet Israel’s all-too-familiar use of force was to compound a tragedy with a tragedy, much like America’s illegal execution of one Mr. Bin Laden (Real World Non-Satire Alert: He Really Really said this about the death of Bin-Laden). Truly, if Mr. Eichmann were in fact guilty of a crime, why not simply notify the nearest Argentinian constabulary?

The movie depicts the commendable efforts Mr. Eichmann had made to open himself up to other cultures, to include learning the local language, and adopting the lovely Spanish name of “Ricardo Klement.” And in a singular act of proletarian solidarity, he took the bus to work every day. Yet Mr. Eichmann’s earnest attempts at multiculturalism failed to impress the Mossad, which took upon itself the task of kidnapping him and trundling him off to “Israel” for trial. And if being kidnapped by the Mossad wasn’t unpleasant enough already, Eichmann then had to fly on EL AL..

Israel then tried and executed Eichmann, another sad tally on its list of victims. Just to add insult to injury, Israel then spread his ashes in the sea, precluding any future graveside memorials, like the wreath that I specifically did NOT lay at the grave of Black September activists.

Now you may scoff at my review. You may even accuse me of willful ignorance. Yet remember this: it’s still not as dumb as what Hannah Arendt wrote about the Eichmann trial.