Tag: Jerusalem

Judaism November 23, 2015August 8, 2016

Knesset Votes to Draft Haredi, Just as Soon as Tel Aviv’s New Central Bus Station is Completed

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(Photo Credit: Getty Images)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 11/23/2015 at 11:20 PM

Jerusalem: The Knesset agreed today to begin the conscription of Haredi men, just as soon as the government gets around to knocking down Tel Aviv’s current Central Bus Station, raises the money for a new one, finds a contractor, gets all the necessary permits, and builds the new Central Bus Station. Reaction throughout the country was mixed, as leaders of the Yesh Atid and Yisrael Beiteinu Parties complained that Prime Minister Netanyahu went back on one of his promises. Likud Spokesperson Yonatan F. addressed this point today at a press conference. “This so-called ‘campaign promise’ raised by Mr. Lieberman and Mr. Bennett should really be viewed like a bowl of hummus in the refrigerator. You know, It’s got an expiration date. You can trust it for about a week. Then….. not so much.”

The Knesset today was a heated back and forth, as various possible milestones for Haredi conscription were suggested, to include “Just as soon as Abbas holds another Election”, “Just as Soon as Starbucks comes back to Israel”, and ” Right after the Post Office Clears All the Packages It’s Holding at Ben Gurion”. Likud Spokesperson Yonatan F. explained the logic; “It’s like walking and chewing gum. You really don’t want to do too many things at once.”

In a spirit of reconciliation, United Torah Judaism Spokesperson Shmuel C. stated that his party was ready to compromise. “We understand that some members of Knesset are not happy with the agreement drafted today. So we are also ready to accept a draft as soon as the temperature in Gehinnom reaches zero degrees centigrade for a sufficient time period to promote the formation of a layer of ice crystals.“

Terrorism October 18, 2015March 5, 2017

Aspiring Jihadist Disappointed that Paradise is Full of Jews, Smells like a Jerusalem Hospital

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By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/18/2015 at 10:30 PM

Jerusalem: Ahmed Manasrah is pretty upset. Last week when he and his cousin stabbed two Jews, including a 13 year old kid on a bicycle, he was pretty sure he was on a one way ticket to a paradise full of hot chicks with large eyes and firm breasts just for him. But now he’s woken up in what looks for all intents and purposes like an Israeli hospital. And worse, it’s crawling with Jews. “This it total bullshit.” fumed an annoyed Ahmed. “According to my timeline, I should have gotten at least to second base by now with one of those chicks they promised me. But no. I mean, one of the nurses is kinda pretty, but she’s really bossy and always tells me what to do. ‘Go to bed, time to eat, time to go to the bathroom.’ This just sucks.”

When asked by the Daily Freier if maybe he is in fact still alive and staying in a Jerusalem hospital, Ahmed was emphatic. “Nonsense! President Abbas says that I am dead. And he never lies about anything!”

Ahmed continued his rant; “This place totally blows. I t’s like I died and went to Jew Heaven.” While Ahmed holds out hope that things will turn around, the head nurse just stopped by to tell him that the only virgins in the building are the guys in the basement Tech Support/IT office who play World of Warcraft. And there’s only five of them.

MSNBC, Roger Waters October 18, 2015October 26, 2017

MSNBC Hires Roger Waters

(Photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/18/2015 at 2:30 PM

New York: In a move to make the network’s coverage of the Middle East more even-handed, MSNBC has replaced troubled Middle-East reporter Ayman Mohyeldin with former Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters. MSNBC spokesperson Sabrina H. explained the change of lineup. “We at MSNBC feel that Mr. Waters will bring a fresh perspective to the conflict in the Middle East. Mr. Waters is excited to hit the ground running.”

When reached for comment, Mr. Mohyeldin was noticeably distressed about the recent change of events. “I’m out of a job. I totally did not see this coming. But there’s a lot of things I didn’t see. Like the knife in the hand of the terrorist last week that everyone with two eyes could see. Then again, sometimes I see Israeli drones that nobody else can see. You know, vision’s a funny thing.”

Conversely, Mr. Waters was enthusiastic about his new job. The Daily Freier caught up with Mr. Waters at his new MSNBC office as workers installed his personal SodaStream machine. “I never thought I could land this gig, what with you-know-who running the world’s media. But I’m excited to start work.”

When the Daily Freier asked Mr. Mohyeldin what his future held, he waxed philosophical. “I guess if Mr. Waters can be a Middle East expert, then maybe I can be a bitter English ex rocker who is disliked by his former bandmates.”

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The Daily Freier en Español, The United Nations October 17, 2015February 13, 2016

Grave escándalo en la ONU al conocerse que un profesor de la UNRWA (la agencia de la ONU para los palestinos) no tiene fotos de Hitler en su página de Facebook

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Khan Yunis, Gaza: La Agencia de las Naciones Unidas para los Refugiados de Palestina en Oriente Próximo (UNRWA) está hoy en crisis después de que unos informes recién publicados revelaran que uno de los suyos mantiene una página en Facebook absolutamente libre de fotos admirativas de Hitler, de judíos siendo perseguidos o de judíos religiosos siendo atropellados por un coche o acuchillados.

Fares A., un profesor de matemáticas en la Escuela Primaria Sayyid Qutb de Khan Yunis, mantiene un perfil en Facebook que única y estrictamente contiene fotos de su familia, de sí mismo frente a algún Ferrari o una foto publicada por algún dulce corazón femenino de la escuela (a quien su mujer no puede soportar) de ambos juntos en la década de 1990, e imágenes de lo que parece ser una celebración de una barbacoa al aire libre con un sabroso cordero.

Los compañeros de Hassan en la escuela de primaria Sayyid Qutb estaban en un estado de shock. “Tu piensas que conoces a alguien, y luego, bang, resulta ser otra persona“, declaró el descorazonado profesor de historia Hassan M. “Quiero subrayar que él ha estado en mi casa, hablamos de fútbol… Supongo que la próxima seré más cuidadoso con mis amistades“.

La profesora de geografía Layla R. estaba igualmente molesta. “Este hombre ha empañado la dignidad de Gaza. Esto es aún peor que cuando el Mossad secuestró a nuestro gatito“.

El portavoz de la UNRWA, Chris Gunness, compareció apresuradamente en una rueda de prensa preparada para hacer frente al creciente escándalo. “Tomamos esta acusación muy en serio y vamos a investigarla tan pronto como sea posible, sobre todo después de terminar la investigación sobre las finanzas de un blog que nos critica“.

Cuando este artículo entró en prensa, surgieron informes de que Fares A., el profesor acusado, publicó a la desesperada en su Facebook sus últimas calificaciones en el juego conocido como “Naqbaville“, en un intento de salvar el honor de su familia.

Abu Mazen, Binyamin Netanyahu, John Forbes Kerry October 15, 2015July 19, 2023

Kerry Warns Bibi & Abbas: End Violence by Friday or Spend the Weekend Discussing His Summer Yacht Trip to Martha’s Vineyard

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/15//2015 at 12:30 PM

Jerusalem: During telephone calls described by sources as “tense” and “frank”, U.S. Secretary of State Kerry issued an ultimatum to Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu and Palestinian Authority President Abbas: If there is no significant reduction in violence by Friday, that the three of them and their respective staffs will spend the weekend discussing Secretary Kerry’s week-long yacht trip to Martha’s Vineyard this August. “We may discuss the yacht trip itself. I may need a couple of hours to explain the subtle nuances of the wind around Cape Cod. Will definitely touch on the time I ran into Joan Baez in Hyannis. I may even need to provide a complete analysis as to which bistro on the island Teresa and I like the best. Really, the sky’s the limit.”

Reaction to this threat was swift, with Israel’s Cabinet meeting in an emergency session. The Daily Freier was able to speak to a visibly distraught Minister Yaakov Litzman after the meeting. “I fear nothing but HaShem. Well…..HaShem and Secretary Kerry’s anecdotes about the Red Sox in the ’70’s.” Concern was equally high on the Palestinian side,with an alarmed Hanan Ashrawi telling the Daily Freier about her fears for the meeting. “I studied French at school……and Mister Kerry knows this…….if he wants to switch to French during the conversation, everybody knows who will pay the price: me.”

As Secretary Kerry prepared for his possible arrival, the Daily Freier informed him that windsurfing is quite popular in Israel and that he should talk about that for a while as well.

The New York Times October 13, 2015February 12, 2016

After NY Times’ Temple Mount Article, Daily Freier Writes Berkeley J-School, Demands They Reimburse The Writer’s Tuition

The BBC October 5, 2015February 1, 2016

Famous Moments in Modern History, as Told by the BBC’s Jerusalem Bureau

(Photo Credit: The Beeb)

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The North Atlantic, 1912: Iceberg suffers severe structural damage following encounter with large boat. Something bad happened to the people on the boat as well.

Sarajevo, 1914: Austro-Hungarian police severely manhandle Serbian man following tragic death of Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife while driving.

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New Jersey, 1938: Several tons of expensive hydrogen gas lost as the Airship Hindenburg explodes. Some people died too.

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Pearl Harbor, 1941: Americans fire upon Japanese pilots, killing dozens. And the USS Arizona sinks along with its crew during current cycle of violence.

Dallas, 1963: Texas Book Depository suffers a break-in. Yada, yada, yada, President Kennedy dies.

Tehran, 1979: In serious breach of diplomatic protocol, United States Embassy personnel rudely reject Persian hospitality.

Beijing, 1989: Anti-government extremist disrupts traffic following altercation in Tiananmen Square. Rumor has it that some students died there too.

Los Angeles 1994: Popular football player OJ Simpson’s gloves are completely ruined. Also his ex-wife and her boyfriend are dead.

Washington, 1998: Intern performs sex act in the White House, damages new blue dress and premium cigar. President Clinton deeply and personally affected by incident.

Pakistan, 2011: During late-night home invasion, Americans with assault rifles kill visiting Saudi philosopher who was quiet and kept to himself.

Jerusa….Wait….this piece is satire, but you guys actually wrote this. Our bad. Honest mistake.

Jerusalem August 13, 2015January 14, 2018

Shin Bet Actively Recruiting Your Friend Who Can Say With a Straight Face that Jerusalem Has a Great Party Scene

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/13/2015 at 1:30 PM

Jerusalem: Your friend Mike from back home is beginning to attract attention. As he sat next to you in a bar on Ben Yehuda Street in Jerusalem telling you just how awesome the city’s scene is, a nondescript man in his mid-50’s discreetly eavesdropped from a nearby table and gave the Daily Freier reporter a quiet play-by-play of unfolding events.

“Just look at how he maintains eye contact with the subject while he tells him ‘Dude, you just don’t know what it’s like up here’” noted the nondescript man, identified only as ‘Motti’.

“Notice how he keeps his arms at his side, signalling openness, as he completely bullshits the guy by telling him ‘Jerusalem is just as good, JUST as good as Tel Aviv.”

Mike continued uttering complete BS to you as he explained “Jerusalem is actually BETTER, because it’s so underground. Do you know what I’m saying?” And no, you really don’t know what he’s saying.

As Mike continued to spin yarns to you, Motti explained what he saw. “We need this guy on the inside. This man is a pro. The way he completely fabricated a cool Jerusalem subculture that does not in fact actually exist. I don’t understand how he is able to obfuscate with such a straight face and without any telltale verbal tics…….It’s almost as if he’s lying to himself.”

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Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.