Washington: United States Secretary of State John Francis Kerry issued a chilling ultimatum to Israel earlier today according to credible sources. Per these sources, in a closed-door session Kerry informed Israel’s Ambassador Ron Dermer that if Israel continued to oppose the Iran nuclear deal, that Kerry would personally deliver 10,000 electric bikes to downtown Tel Aviv. “10,000 effing bikes, Ron. You think I’m bluffing? C-17 baby. I can bring all the electric bikes I want.” Kerry continued, “I will personally hand out these bikes. Then just try walking down the sidewalk or crossing the street….. But I’m not finished. You cross me and my Embassy will sponsor a week-long 24/7 matkot tournament. With mizrahi pop music. Lots and Lots of mizrahi pop music. How you like them apples, Ron?” Kerry went on to promise that if Israel continues to oppose the deal, he would kick off the matkot tournament, give away the electric bikes by hand, and then go windsurfing.
Mitzpe Ramon, The Negev: IDF soldier Yair G. is currently not feeling completely Okay about all the attention he is receiving from the women on the Birthright Israel trip that he is escorting. “I’m just not really feeling like I’m in a safe space.” noted a visibly distraught Yair. “I feel like they aren’t interested in me as a living breathing person with real hopes and fears, but rather with an artificial avatar of myself based on my current mode of existence as a young adult fulfilling his mandated national conscription duty.”
Yair went on to explain that he has resorted to lying about his service in an effort to make it seem less glamorous. “I mean, I serve in Golani, but I told ‘Alyssa from Miami’ that I was assigned to the personnel office making copies. Still didn’t change anything.” As another tour group attendee, known only as “Jess from L.A.” approached Yair, he quickly broke away, saying only “That’s it, I’m telling “Breaking the Silence”.
As the article went to print, approximately 47 members of Yair’s battalion volunteered to take his place, with 10 of them volunteering to extend their military commitment if necessary.
Tel Aviv, Bograshov Street: After almost a year of struggles and setbacks, the mold in your apartment has secured Aliyah benefits to include the right to reduced rent, five months free Ulpan, and valuable tax breaks. The Daily Freier caught up with the largest patch of mold in your place, named “Yossi“, and asked him a few questions.
Yossi, who currently has expanded to a 3 meter square area located between your bathroom and laundry room, talked about his experience so far. “It hasn’t been easy, let me tell you“, noted Yossi, as he released spores into the air that are currently making your eyes water and your nose run. “I started out last year around Rosh Hashanah here and it was a real struggle. But through persistence and a bit of luck, I am starting to really succeed, Baruch HaShem.” When the Daily Freier complimented Yossi on his ability to thrive here, he was quick to point out those who have helped him. “Everyone always complains about people not helping them here. But believe me, I did not make it on my own. First, I want to thank your idiot roommate who seems unable to take a shower without pouring a gallon of water on the floor. Oh and your other roommate who thought it was a good idea to dry his clothes inside all winter. Of course your landlord who refused to have me eradicated because ‘he couldn’t see me’……major props. Oh and whatever genius who built this apartment and filled the space between walls with soil……much love.”
Daily Freier asked Yossi about his hopes and dreams as well. “I would love to do a bit of Ulpan, because even though I grew up speaking mold, my spores speak perfect Hebrew. Plus I would love to expand into the living room, maybe travel through the walls to the downstairs neighbor. I just really feel that anything is possible here.”
When asked about Yossi, the Aliyah organization Nefesh B’ Nefesh denied any responsibility. But their spokesman Danny J. did speak on the record with us. “Eleven months and he’s still here? That’s better than most of the Americans we brought.”
Tel Aviv, Allenby Street: Mystical and exciting things are happening in Central Tel Aviv. Renowned psychic Madame Rivka has been guiding residents on their spirit journey to contact those who have left this plane of existence and crossed over to live in the city of Ra’anana, 25 kilometers north of Tel Aviv. Madame Rivka allowed the Daily Freier to sit in on one such session last week.
As Madame Rivka prepared for the encounter, local businesswoman Jennifer K. explained what brought her to seek out a psychic. “My friends Lisa and Ben moved to Ra’anana after they got married, and I literally never saw them again. It was so eerie. One day we were going to the Jaffa flea market, and then, BANG!, they were gone. Like to another parallel universe.”
Madame Rivka slipped into a trance and soon made contact with Lisa and Ben. “They say they are bored. Very, Very bored.”
“Wow, can you ask them if they’re ok??? Are they suffering???” replied an astonished Jennifer.
Madame Rivka seemed to go into a deeper trance and replied “It’s hard for me to get an answer to this question. They keep repeating a mantra over and over again: “Good schools. We have a yard. Good Schools.”It’s just hard for me to break through this wall of rationalizing and self-delusion.”
Jennifer then asked Madame Rivka when she would see her friends again. “They say that you should come and spend Shabbat with them after the Holidays.”
At this point Jennifer laughed and said “Yeah, like THAT’S going to happen.”
Tel Aviv Performing Arts Center: The entire city is chattering about the Summer’s hottest film, “Netanya“, a chilling film seen through the eyes of the heroine as she watches her friends, family, and neighbors slowly turning into Francophones. The movie, set in the seaside city of Netanya north of Tel Aviv, was filmed using handheld cameras with unknown actors on a limited budget. Daily Freier’s Arts and Entertainment Reporter talked to moviegoers as they exited the theater last night.
“Oh my God, when she sat down with her husband at their favorite hummus place, and he smiled at the waiter and ordered bouillabaisse in perfect French, and then she started screaming, I jumped 5 feet out of my seat.” said an excited Rachel G.
Rachel’s friend Danny R. was equally enthused. “When she escaped the restaurant and ran into her parents’ house, and she sees them in the living room eating brioche and watching a Jerry Lewis movie, and then her dad locks the door behind her……..scared the living heck out of me.”
Another movie at the Festival, about a zombie outbreak in a large Anglo community of Olim immigrants, was panned as unrealistic by moviegoers. Audience member Yossi C. summed up the film’s failures: “Maybe if they made the movie about a bunch of Anglo zombies who SAY they’re going to make Aliyah every year without actually, you know, “MAKING ALIYAH.”…..that would be more realistic.”
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.