Month: November 2015

Technion builds Turbine to harness Sexual Tension between Bibi & Obama

Bibi Obama sexual tensionBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/9/2015 at 3:30 PM

Haifa: Ahead of their high-profile meeting in Washington this week, a team of scientists at Haifa’s prestigious Technion Institute have managed to harness the animosity sexual tension between Binyamin Netanyahu and  Barack Obama to power a small turbine on the Israeli Coast just south of Haifa.  The Daily Freier attended a press conference where the lead scientists explained this fascinating breakthrough.

_Obama_Netanyahu_e_2515610kIt is actually a rather simple concept” explained Doctoral Student Gideon B. “The intense feelings these men have for one another actually charge the ions in the air around them with opposite yet attracting polarities.  If properly captured, these ions can then generate a very powerful electric current. This current in turn spins turbines allowing us to generate several Megawatts of power, the exact level depending on whether or not Jeffrey Goldberg has published a column that day

Netanyahu-obama-israel-010At this point, co-moderator Alex G. played a short video demonstrating the concept. “So in the turbine itself, we play a constant newsfeed of the two men interacting in public……OK, so here we have the two leaders awkwardly hugging on a tarmac……..And now we have them publicly contradicting one another at a joint press conference, like a bickering couple……And now we have a picture of them staring into one another’s eyes.  It looks like they can’t stand each other, but it’s really a thin line between love and hate.  You can literally feel the excitement in the air.  I don’t know about you, but the hair on my arms are sticking out right now.”

While the commercial and economic feasibility of the generator have yet to be fully determined, Gideon noted that if he could only find a picture of the two leaders in matching denim jackets and cowboy hats, he could power the City of Haifa for months.

Historians now claim that Roger Waters was once in a Band

494px-roger_waters_en_el_palau_sant_jordi_de_barcelona_the_wall_live_-_05(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/9/2015 at 1:30 PM

Cambridge, United Kingdom: Historians at the University of Cambridge’s King’s College dropped a bombshell this morning: that noted Anti-Semitic crank outspoken critic of Israeli policies Roger Waters was once in a popular band that played music that people enjoyed listening to.  The Daily Freier spoke by phone with Professor of Contemporary British History Baba Booey for details on this breakthrough discovery.

This is really quite remarkable, but prior to being known for drawing the Star of David on pigs and being creepily obsessed with Bar Refaeli, Mr. Waters was in a rather successful band known as ‘Pink Floyd’ during the latter half of the 20th Century.”  Professor Booey continued. “Archival history from the pre-Internet era seems to indicate that young people would often paint their dormitory walls with fluorescent paint, turn on blacklights, and play this music on a constant loop.  Apparently marijuana may have been involved.  And unlike Mr. Waters’ current manifestation, this early ‘proto-Waters’ seemed to enrich the lives of others and actually make people happy. Fascinating, really.”

Professor Booey then played a sample of Mr. Waters’ early music for the Daily Freier.  The music was rather excellent, although it was a bit derivative of Syd Barrett’s works.

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Tel Aviv offers free Life Coaching to People with Inappropriate Names for their Wi-Fi Networks

boobsnetBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/6/2015 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: The city of Tel Aviv launched an intensive outreach this week, trying to help some of the most vulnerable among us: those who feel the need to give their Internet Wi-Fi networks really, really, really inappropriate names. The Municipality is offering a wide range of life coaching and personal development courses, free of charge, to the affected communities. Tel Aviv Cultural Affairs Chairperson Safir H. explained the city’s rationale:

There are people out there who are crying out for help.  Crying out for help by naming their Wi-Fi ‘Boobsnet’ or ‘Bibi is Shit’, which I have to admit we all laughed about at the office.  Some people even name their Wi-Fi ‘F-ck Off’, or ‘Free F-ck“‘ and finally,….. “  Sapir paused, retained her composure and continued. “I’m sorry but this is just like totally gross.” 

 

The Tel Aviv public is rallying behind the measure, with citizens praising the move.The Daily Freier talked to concerned citizen Matan G. about the new initiative. “So I’ve been stealing unprotected Internet from my neighbors for the last couple of years and I’m always looking for an open network.  So imagine my surprise when I stumbled upon ‘F-ck Off’ last week.  I just felt violated.  This needs to stop.” 

Bibi Wifi

Wifi f#ck off

 

Safir outlined the initiative’s mix of personal development classes and one-on-one life coaching.  Later she allowed the Daily Freier to tag along at an evening group therapy session conducted in an unused classroom at Ulpan Gordon. As a circle of a dozen men and women (OK, OK, they were all guys) listened attentively, the group facilitator walked them through a scenario speaking slowly, loudly, and deliberately. “So expressing ourselves?  That’s OK. Naming our Internet after our private parts? That’s NOT OK.  OK, now you try it. Expressing ourselves?” At this point the class answered in unison “OK” The facilitator continued. “Naming our Internet after our private parts?” At this point half of the class answered “OK“, three answered “NOT OK”, and one answered “Big Butts!”

 

 

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Hamas Artist Who Copied Eyal Golan Song Looking Forward to a Sex Scandal of His Very Own

hamas2cur

(Photo Credit: Our Friends at The Palestinian Branch of the Muslim Brotherhood)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/5/2015 at 12:30 PM

Gaza City: Flush from the success of his copycat rendition of Eyal Golan’s hit song ‘Mi she’maamin lo mifahed’, Hamas artist Ismail C. is excited to start getting all the trappings of a new rock star.  Ismail’s knock-off version, titled “Soldiers of God“, is doing quite well in Gaza and beyond, causing Ismail’s mind to wander to bigger and better things.  Ismail explained his motivation; “I want to be as big as Eyal. I want to live as large as he does. He’s really my idol…..you know, for a perfidious Zionist Jew and stuff.” Ismail continued to describe his aspirations. “I want an entourage, a personal trainer, a reality show called “Hamas Got Talent“, maybe an ongoing rivalry with another artist from Gaza. I hear the Hamas Bumblebee has been talking trash, so maybe we can be rivals.  And of course, we’re gonna need a sex scandal.” Ismail’s eyes widened as he thought of the possibilities “I was at a cafe yesterday and I’m pretty sure that Miss Gaza 2014 was checking me out.  It’s hard to tell because she was covered from head to toe in heavy black cloth, but a guy just knows these kind of things.” Ismail began to construct a mental timeline “So I got the whole Miss Gaza thing on the back burner, but I’m really hoping to start scoring some groupies.” When the Daily Freier asked Ismail how he planned to accomplish this in conservative Gaza City, he quickly replied “Not sure, but my manager and my dad are bringing some girls around from last night’s concert in a half hour.

Thomas Friedman detained at Ben Gurion Airport for smuggling clichés

Thomas Friedman(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/2/2015 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Ben Gurion Airport: Noted author, New York Times columnist, and pundit Thomas Friedman was detained early this morning at Ben Gurion Airport for attempting to illegally smuggle multiple clichés out of the country. In addition, he is being held for possession of several non-sequiturs and homespun bits of nonsense that he failed to declare to Customs upon departure.  The United States Embassy in Tel Aviv has sent a Consular Affairs official to the airport in order to meet with Mr. Friedman. The Embassy explained that the intent was to ensure that Mr. Friedman is being treated in accordance with all agreements and protocols between the two nations vis-a-vis detention of citizens in transit.  Meanwhile, the Daily Freier is on the scene of the unfolding crisis and speaking with Israeli Border Authority Spokesperson Sarit B.

Mr. Friedman exceeded the mandated cliché limit that Israeli Customs Law dictates. Normally we let people go if they have one or two Masada references. Same with “Stuff your neighborhood juice guy told you”. You’re also allowed to have two camel anecdotes from the Negev……Birthright participants are allowed six.”

Mr. Friedman first attracted attention while standing on line waiting for the pre-departure interview. Alert local Ronit S. was waiting on line next to him and discreetly notified security that something was amiss.  Ronit shared her experience with the Daily Freier;  “So it’s 7 AM, I’m on my way to Rome for a week, and this guy will Not…Stop…Talking to me. At first I ignored him because I thought he was just trying to hit on me. Then I realized it was far worse.  He was trying to convince me that the Bible was actually a lot like a tech start-up in Palo Alto.”

Suspicions were further raised when Mr. Friedman informed Passport Control officer David P. that “Bibi is still bargaining but the Shuk is about to close!” followed by “If Assad watched Seinfeld then Putin should have played American football.” David explained the chain of events to the Daily Freier; “He wasn’t making any sense. I even called over my supervisor and we just sat there staring at him dumbfounded as he compared the Gaza withdrawal of 2005 to the Amtrak Acela train from DC to New York. None of us could figure out what the hell he was talking about so we detained him.”

When the Daily Freier queried David as to why Mr. Friedman was still being held, he replied “I don’t know. Why don’t you go ask ‘Captain Obvious’ over there.” as he gestured to Mr Friedman pacing backs and forth in his holding cell. When the Daily Freier approached the cell to talk to Mr. Friedman, he began screaming “The world is flat!……I wish that Mark Zuckerberg could run Saudi Arabia for a day!….. I’m overpaid!….. Bibi is buying matzoh but Abbas is selling a carpet!….. Olive trees!….. Random hummus reference!…..When you’re a hammer everything looks like a nail!….. NASDAQ! …..Georgetown!…. Jimmy Carter was a peanut farmer but Ariel Sharon was a rancher!….. That time I played backgammon with the late King Hussein!…. AirBnB could never work under Mubarak!….. What if King Solomon had Wi-Fi?”

Authorities were finally able to sedate Mr. Friedman with a phone call from a patient and genial Shimon Peres followed by an hour of traditional Israeli folk dancing with the guards, some of the cleaning staff, and the ladies who work in the duty-free shop.

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