With Corona moving into our collective rear-view mirror, there are some A-Ma-Zing ideas for exploring this beautiful country of ours! Lots to see, Lots to do, Lots to eat! We have heard of some amazing tours starting this Spring. Unfortunately, we have also heard some not-so-good ideas… and it is our journalistic duty to Spill the Tea. So without further ado, the Daily Freier presents the Ten Worst Tour Ideas for Israel!
1) Locusts & Honey: a culinary tour inspired by John the Baptist!
2) Grab your numbered pottery shards, it’s Bingo Night on Masada!
3) “Find your way out of Dizengoff Center” long weekend adventure
4) “Let’s walk up and down all the hills in Haifa!”
5) “Ecce Homo”: We show you the hottest Gay Night Life in Jerusalem’s Old City!
6) Danny the Digger rummages through your trash and posts it on Youtube.
7) Afula, Afula, Afula!
8) “Festival of the Senses”: A Scratch n’ Sniff Tour of the Tel Aviv Central Bus Station
9) Drink beer in Machane Yehuda on a Thursday evening! Wait, Sorry. This is actually Peak Nightlife for Jerusalem. Never Mind.
10) Sarah Tuttle-Singer leads a historical walk through Neve Tzedek but gets really baked and spends the entire evening looking for Tacos instead.
Since 2014, the Daily Freier has scratched your collected itches for weird stuff. Sometimes we even write our stories based on tips from you, our alert readership! But what if a story is just “Too weird for the Daily Freier“? Well, it happens. Here are ten stories that we simply had to reject. Enjoy wondering what might have been.
1. The men who play pétanque on Rothschild Boulevard: without their clothes on!
2. Latest Nefesh B’Nefesh program helps you get banned from Secret Tel Aviv…. BEFORE you make Aliyah!
3. Holmes Gym just opened membership to straight guys too!
4. Afula: Is it the new Neve Tzedek?
5. Bombshell: Two people who work in Israel Advocacy rumored to get along with one another.
6. Win a chance to be named Jerusalem’s Next Top Hot Chani!
7. Maccabi Health offers free personal development classes to anyone in a Purim “couples costume”.
8. Strange But True: The weirdos who enjoy Tel Aviv AND Jerusalem!
9. Sarah Tuttle-Singer takes 3 bong hits and explains the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict.
10. “Have I Peed Here Yet?” An interactive street map for Tel Aviv men.
Tel Aviv, Kikar Dizengoff: A work of modern art planned for display in the soon to be renovated Dizengoff Square is meeting heavy opposition from concerned members of the Community. The statue, designed by Neve Tzedek artist Yair G. and titled “Tel Aviv Epiphany”, does not portray a man eagerly displaying his genitals to passerby. And Tel Aviv residents are not too happy. The Daily Freier walked down to Dizengoff Square where an impromptu protest was taking place.
“I don’t know how they do things down in Neve Tzedek” admonished Tomer C., a resident of Bograshov. “But up here in Tel Aviv, we expect our statues to be touching themselves. Or rummaging around down there as if their lease paperwork is hidden somewhere in their boxers shorts.”
As the protest continued throughout the day, sympathetic members of the Municipal Government met with community organizers. “These statues really serve as a public service.” explained Cultural Affairs Chairperson Safir H. “I mean, when you think of it, a Tel Aviv guy offering to show strangers his genitals is actually a rather accurate preview of what out of town visitors will experience in Tel Aviv.”
Yet despite the strong opposition from community activists, some Tel Aviv residents see the wisdom in maybe erecting displaying a slightly different kind of statue. Alert local Ronit S. explained. “My family lives in Holon, and last week I had to give my mom directions to my new apartment. So I told her ‘Turn right at the statue of the guy grabbing himself.’ And my mom was like ‘You mean the one on Rothschild where he is using both hands? And then I said ‘No. The one on Dizengoff and Gordon where he is relaxing in a chair with his legs open.’ So yeah…. maybe if they just had a statue of a bird or a car or something, it would be better.”
As the protest adjourned for the evening, several philanthropic-minded men from the neighborhood offered to serve as models for a statue that better served the wishes of the community.
Tel Aviv, Shabazi Street: Neve Tzedek’s latest Gallery is taking the Tel Aviv Art World by storm, and with good reason. The Krakonowsky Gallery on Shabazi Street has cleared all of its walls in order to exhibit nothing but photos of people taking photos of cats in Neve Tzedek. The Gallery’s Chief Docent Yair G. explained.
“What we are trying to do is capture the essence of place. And that place is Neve Tzedek. Which has a lot of tourists. And a lot of cats. Everything else kinda fell into place.”
The Daily Freier asked Yair how long the Krakonowsky Gallery has been open, and he explained that it opened six weeks ago. Yair, who hails from Ashkelon, then went on to explain the name of the Gallery. “We were looking for something that sounded sufficiently Old World, sufficiently Ashkenazic, and sufficiently Pretentious. And then, BAM! The name hit me. Inspiration is like that sometimes.”
The Daily Freier then took the time to follow the patrons throughout the Gallery to get a feel for their reactions. Film Graduate Student Naomi P. admired one photo of a Birthright participant taking a photo of a Calico cat as it wrestled with an empty bag of Bamba. “Amazing. She seems perfectly at ease with being in front of the camera. No fear of humans whatsoever….. The Birthright participant I mean.”
Local collector Arielle C. shared her enthusiasm on the exhibit. “Wow. Just wow. This is just superb. And now my obsession with artistic depictions of pop tarts just seems so…..so…… June 2016.”
The Krakonowsky Collection’s Exhibit will continue through September, at which point it will switch over to pictures of tourists trying to find their way out of Neve Tzedek.
Tel Aviv/Dizengoff: Tel Aviv, a city that lost its damn mind this year after the opening of a Burger King, has declared itself a World Cultural City. Burger King’s arrival (return) in Tel Aviv caused the entire city to stop what they were doing and wait in line for 3 hours in order to experience hamburgers slightly better than McDonald’s, fries somewhat worse than McDonald’s, and genuinely awesome onion rings. The Daily Freier spoke with Tel Aviv’s Cultural Affairs Spokesperson Safir H. in order to truly understand the city’s new international status.
“From our Bauhaus Architecture to our renowned theater to our amazing cafe society, we as Tel Avivians must embrace our status as a World Cultural Center.” explained Safir as she munched on a BK Original Chicken Sandwich (“Long Chicken” here in Israel!).
The Daily Freier then asked Safir what it is about Tel Aviv that distinguishes it from other cities of the World. “We are a confluence of cultures. European, Middle Eastern, North African, Latin American. There are just so many influences to our daily lives here.” explained Safir as she added ketchup to her onion rings while sipping her BK Cafe Americano (Only 4 Shekels!).
“There is just something about our Urban enclaves such as Sarona or Neve Tzedek that you don’t see in other cities. This mix of urban street life and quiet reflection.” explained Safir as she started to attack her vanilla soft ice cream.
As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Safir asked us if we were going to finish our Whopper.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.