Category: Jerusalem

Tel Aviv-Jerusalem Fast Train aims to remind the cities why they can’t stand each other in just 30 minutes

Tel Aviv-Jerusalem Bullet Trainc with the Daily FreierBy Mark Levy

Last Updated 1/11/2018 at 11:30 AM

Tel Aviv, HaHagana Station: With the pending (and shockingly somewhat on-time) launch of the Jerusalem to Tel Aviv High Speed Rail line, residents of each city eagerly look forward to the chance to remember all the things about the other city that suck. The Daily Freier wandered the streets of Tel Aviv gathering answers, and then reluctantly took the bus from Savidor Station to do the same in that other city 40 miles to the East that really, really knows how to party.

I don’t quite know what it is about Jerusalem, but it just turns you into a dork.” explained Yafo resident Danny S. “My cousin did Yeshiva there and he actually taught himself to speak poorly accented English. Like he now purposely adds “umms” and “uhs” to his sentences. He literally has a self-imposed speech impediment. And he’s from Miami.

Why do all the girls wear those thick black tights that look like they could stop an AK-47 round?” asked Tamar, a personal trainer from Florentin. “Are they auditioning for the next season of Fauda?

The worst is that Jerusalemites take it personally when we remind them how much their city sucks.” explained the Daily Freier’s very own Aaron Pomerantz. “Last year I somehow talked myself out of a date with a pretty dati girl when I told her that Jerusalem is lame.” [Editor’s Note: This may or may not have actually happened to a Daily Freier writer in real life.]

Not to be outdone, the Daily Freier got some very raw responses from the Jerusalem streets about what they can’t stand about Tel Aviv.

Oh great, now it will only take 30 minutes to be able to walk around an expensive humid slum that smells like dried pee.” explained a Dati Leumi woman named Batsheva or Elisheva or Justsheva. “Also, please tell me about your Start-Up.

Tel Aviv is just a giant weirdo reservation.” noted Hillel K. “It’s like they took the weirdest kid from each of my classes growing up, moved them to Tel Aviv, and let them reproduce. Oh yeah, and now they’re artists.

When the Daily Freier asked Hillel about the cool spots for Jerusalem nightlife, he thought for a moment, scratched his head, and answered. “Well, there’s Machane Yehuda on a Thursday night…. And then there’s the other side of Machane Yehuda….. Wait…..Did I mention Machane Yehuda?

According to the Israeli Ministry of Transportation, in 2019 they will open another High Speed line that will allow you to visit your friend who you thought had died but actually had just moved to Haifa in 2013.

Advertisements

Shin Bet Actively Recruiting Your Friend Who Can Say With a Straight Face that Jerusalem Has a Great Party Scene

Jerusalem's A-MA-ZING Party SceneBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/13/2015 at 1:30 PM

Jerusalem: Your friend Mike from back home is beginning to attract attention.  As he sat next to you in a bar on Ben Yehuda Street in Jerusalem telling you just how awesome the city’s scene is, a nondescript man in his mid-50’s discreetly eavesdropped from a nearby table and gave the Daily Freier reporter a quiet play-by-play of unfolding events.

Just look at how he maintains eye contact with the subject while he tells him ‘Dude, you just don’t know what it’s like up here’” noted the nondescript man, identified only as ‘Motti’.

Notice how he keeps his arms at his side, signalling  openness, as he completely bullshits the guy by telling himJerusalem is just as good, JUST as good as Tel Aviv.”

Mike continued uttering complete BS to you as he explained “Jerusalem is actually BETTER, because it’s so underground. Do you know what I’m saying?” And no, you really don’t know what he’s saying.

As Mike continued to spin yarns to you, Motti explained what he saw. “We need this guy on the inside. This man is a pro. The way he completely fabricated a cool Jerusalem subculture that does not in fact actually exist. I don’t understand how he is able to obfuscate with such a straight face and without any telltale verbal tics…….It’s almost as if he’s lying to himself.”

Save