Jerusalem, Katamon: “Find me a Sephardi boy… that’s all I hear this time of year. Nobody asks if a boy is a serious learner, has good middos or if he has job prospects. All these girls want is for me to find them a Sephardi boyfriend before Pesach.” explained Malka A, known as the best shadchanit in Katamon. We had come to Malka’s with our friend Shevy, who was newly single.
“Nu? What happened with this last boy…the Moroccan?” Malka inquired. “I didn’t have feelings for him.” Shevy explained. “But it was so hard to break up with him before Pesach….I kept hearing about this delicious rice pudding his mom serves at the Seder….and the amazing Mimouna his sister always hosts. Do you realize how I spent every Motzeh Pesach growing up??? Standing in line at the pizzeria for undercooked slices!”
Malka comforted Shevy on the breakup, brought out her book of shidduch résumés and assured her that she would soon find a boy with everything she was looking for… and who would bring her favorite flavor of Doritos on Pesach Tiyulim. “What about this guy? He’s cute! What is he, Tunisian?” Shevy asked as she flipped through the book.
“Him? No, he’s not for you.” Malka replied. “You’re a brunette and he said he only wants to date blondes.”
“Disgusting!” Shevy yelled as she slammed the book shut and stormed out. “How can men be so shallow?“
Tel Aviv: “It’s a hate crime! Ethnic discrimination! Racism!” cried Mindy R. “These stores and their discriminatory practices that make the food I like more expensive. It’s just because I’m Ashkenazi, isn’t it?“
Mindy, a Passaic native who now lives in Tel Aviv, tearfully described her experiences shopping for food at her local AM:PM supermarket. “These cultural micro-aggressions have got to stop!”
“They’re charging 21 Shekels for a tiny bottle of McCormick’s seasoning, and like 10 Shekels for a kilo of some random yellow spices I’ve never heard of.” Mindy complained. “Their motives are pretty obvious; they think they’re better than me and are trying to force me to be like them…. maybe I don’t want to serve yellow chicken and yellow rice and yellow vegetables for Shabbos like every Israeli I know? That’s why they made the jars of duck sauce so expensive, because they don’t want me to buy them! And yeah, I tried Amazon and Target but they don’t ship here.”
We headed to Mindy’s corner supermarket with her typical shopping list: jarred gefilte fish, duck sauce, and cream of mushroom soup (You know, the essentials!) in order to get the whole story from Rami the manager. “Am I racist against her? No way! That girl is one of my best customers; she easily spends 4000 Shekels every month!”
We asked Mindy why, if she felt uncomfortable at her local grocery store, couldn’t she just go to another store like Osher Ad? “I would need a car to get to a supermarket like that.” she said. “I would totally buy one, but groceries are sooo expensive.”
UPDATE: Stay tuned for tomorrow when this crisis migrates to Facebook and morphs into an angry rant on the popular page “Living Financially Smarter in Israel”!
Tel Aviv, Shabazi Street: Neve Tzedek’s latest Gallery is taking the Tel Aviv Art World by storm, and with good reason. The Krakonowsky Gallery on Shabazi Street has cleared all of its walls in order to exhibit nothing but photos of people taking photos of cats in Neve Tzedek. The Gallery’s Chief Docent Yair G. explained.
“What we are trying to do is capture the essence of place. And that place is Neve Tzedek. Which has a lot of tourists. And a lot of cats. Everything else kinda fell into place.”
The Daily Freier asked Yair how long the Krakonowsky Gallery has been open, and he explained that it opened six weeks ago. Yair, who hails from Ashkelon, then went on to explain the name of the Gallery. “We were looking for something that sounded sufficiently Old World, sufficiently Ashkenazic, and sufficiently Pretentious. And then, BAM! The name hit me. Inspiration is like that sometimes.”
The Daily Freier then took the time to follow the patrons throughout the Gallery to get a feel for their reactions. Film Graduate Student Naomi P. admired one photo of a Birthright participant taking a photo of a Calico cat as it wrestled with an empty bag of Bamba. “Amazing. She seems perfectly at ease with being in front of the camera. No fear of humans whatsoever….. The Birthright participant I mean.”
Local collector Arielle C. shared her enthusiasm on the exhibit. “Wow. Just wow. This is just superb. And now my obsession with artistic depictions of pop tarts just seems so…..so…… June 2016.”
The Krakonowsky Collection’s Exhibit will continue through September, at which point it will switch over to pictures of tourists trying to find their way out of Neve Tzedek.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.