By The Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 9/6/2015 at 10:00 PM
Tel Aviv, Bograshov: Tel Aviv University graduate students Melissa P. and Kate D. have adopted “The Right of Return” in their ongoing dispute with a bracelet bar on Bograshov near Ben Yehuda. The women’s ordeal began earlier this evening around 8:30 PM local time when they arrived at the establishment, purchasing the ’79 Shekel Red Bracelets’, allowing an unlimited amount of house wine, draft beer, and mixed drinks. After spending several hours at the establishment getting, as one bystander noted, “hella wasted”, the ladies departed the bar. It is at this point that the narratives of the protagonists in this ordeal diverge, with bar hostess Anat L. claiming that the ladies voluntarily left their seats and set out toward Dizengoff Street, while Melissa and Kate insisting that they were forcibly evicted from their
land seats and cast out of the bar “for like no reason”. The Daily Freier spoke with Anat for her perspective on this ongoing tragedy.
“Those two were out of control, but I guess the manager likes them. Anyway, I told them that after 10 PM there is a noise ordinance, and if they want to stay outside they need to keep it down. Well that led to an eye roll or two. I had to go back to talk with them two more times. On the last trip over there, Kate just said “F– this, we’re out, and they stormed off….. Of course they came back like 30 minutes later because, and I quote, “the other place sucked”. But by that time newcomers had settled at their table. And to just let them back in would totally disrupt the current demographics of the bar……Welcome to Israel.”
The Daily Freier was also able to speak with Melissa and Kate for their side of the story. Melissa shared her perspective; “Whatever the hostess told you is total crap. She hates us. She basically ran us off, and then turned around and said that we left on our own accord. I mean yeah we left, but only because we knew that our friend Ran’s shift starts at 11 and that if we came back he would take care of us at the bar. But when we came back, our chairs were occupied. The whole thing was a disaster……wait, I should know this…..how do you say ‘disaster’ in Arabic???”
Kate was equally adamant that an injustice had occurred; “We bought these bracelets, and they’re good all night. Our right of return is inalienable and cannot simply be negotiated away.” When the Daily Freier asked Kate what kind of repercussions might occur if their wishes were not respected, she noted “If they think they can just get away with this shit, I will boycott them forever……or at least until next Wednesday. That’s old school hip-hop night.”
By The Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 7/2/2015 at 9:30 AM
Today the Daily Freier is proud to announce the launch of its exciting new boardgame, “BDS Twister“! BDS Twister lets committed and self-identified “peace activists” find exciting new ways to square their progressive ideals with their tacit support of regimes under which being gay is illegal but honor killings are no big deal. Daily Freier reporter Harun Kenoğlu covered the product launch today at Ann Arbor’s “People’s Third World Anarchist Food Co-Op” with the details.
“This game is amazing” noted an excited Ethan Smith as he contorted his body on the vinyl game board. “The spinner landed on ‘Palestinian Unwed Pregnant Woman Killed by her Brothers and Cousins; They Get Six Months Suspended Jail Sentence‘, which is a tough one, but then I was able to contort my arms and shoulders and touch the circle for “Because of The Occupation”! Winning!”
An equally excited Willow Amoud explained her winning moves. “I landed on ‘Gay Youth flee West Bank for Safety of Tel Aviv’, twisted my torso, popped my elbow, which is easy ‘cuz I’m double jointed, and landed one hand on “Because of the Gaza Blockade”, and the other on “Stop Pinkwashing!” Double points!
Dylan Cohen, a grad student getting ready for a Masters program this Fall at Tel Aviv University, was beside himself with excitement. “So with BDS Twister, I can protest the Separation Fence, I mean ‘Apartheid Wall’, wave my American passport at the Border Police if they get too close, then return to Tel Aviv by nightfall knowing that because of the Wall, I can go out clubbing and drinking without the fear of getting blown up! Amazing!”
Daily Freier contacted BDS organizer Omar Barghouti, who was less than thrilled but seemingly unsurprised that a Jewish guy found a way to make a quick buck off of BDS.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 5/20/2015 at 7:30 PM
Ramat Aviv: Today outside of Tel Aviv University, Arab students held a protest in observance of Naqba Day (‘The Catastrophe’), mourning the creation of the State of Israel. Student leader Firaz A. stated “We see the creation of the so-called State of Israel and our dispossession as an injustice, and for this reason, I refuse to accept that I can pay the discounted rate of 8,000 Shekels ($2,000) tuition as an Israeli citizen. I insist on paying the full foreign rate, as this regime was created in sin. Therefore, I am presenting the University Bursar with 52,000 Shekels in cash ($13,000). I refuse to derive any benefit from this criminal enterprise known as ‘Israel”“.
Fellow student Maryam N. was equally adamant: “Not only will I refuse to pay tuition at the discounted rate, but henceforth I refuse to be treated in free ‘Israeli’ government healthcare facilities. From now on it’s strictly private doctors who take cash.” When the Daily Freier asked Maryam if paying more for her education might be an economic hardship, she replied “Yes it will be difficult for me and my family, but I must stay intellectually honest to my cause. After all, if I gained benefits from a regime that I despise, that would make me a bit of a hypocrite, wouldn’t it?“
By Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 7/17/2014 at 6:20 PM
Ramat Aviv– Summer TAU student Ethan Schwartz told sources today that he is “like this close” to asking out an attractive coed known simply as “Melissa from Rockland“. Mr. Schwartz noted, “I saw her during the first alert last Tuesday, and each alert I’ve been able to throw a little light banter. You know, a joke here and there. ‘Where’d you go to school?’, that kind of thing. I even showed her the Red Alert App on my Iphone. Yesterday after the All Clear, I laughed and said ‘See You Soon!’ as I was leaving and she kinda giggled.”
Concerning recent peace efforts, Mr. Schwartz expressed reservations; “If this current ceasefire holds through the weekend, my entire timetable is thrown off“.
When contacted by Daily Freier Staff about Mr. Schwartz’s overtures, “Melissa from Rockland” had no idea in fact who he was.