Tag: Tel Aviv University

Half of Tel Aviv Under Arrest After Witness Describes Bike Theft Suspect as “Guy with Sort of a Hipster Beard”

(Photo Credit: The Artist Formerly Known as Snir)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 1/12/2016 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: Approximately 46% of the city is in police custody today after a man spotted stealing a bicycle on Allenby was described by eyewitnesses as “brown or black hair, with sort of a hipster beard. Possibly a man bun, but maybe not”.  The Daily Freier went down to Police Headquarters to check out the balagan first-hand.

With thousands of men milling around in giant makeshift holding pens, Jabotinsky between Dizengoff and Ben Yehuda Streets was completely cut off to traffic.  The police shouted orders to the assembled men by bullhorn, but to little effect. It appeared that the prisoners had themselves issued a list of demands, to include: better Wi-Fi, some coffee hafuch, rolling papers, more outlets to charge their I-Phones, and Krembo.

Despite the chaos, the Daily Freier was able to speak to those citizens who had assisted the authorities in their investigation. Alert local Ronit S. witnessed the theft and immediately went to the police to provide a statement.  “So I went to Headquarters and sat down with a sketch artist and described the guy who stole the bike. But when he was done drawing, the picture looked kinda like my last three ex-boyfriends. Oh yeah, I also told the cops that I overheard the suspect talk about his trip to Southeast Asia and that he was thinking of joining a start-up. Wait. Why are you laughing at me? I thought I was being helpful!

As the city adjusts to the mass incarceration, the effects are already being felt. At least 22 coffee shops failed to open today due to a lack of employees.  In addition, Birthright Israel reported much more efficient movement of their tours throughout the city, unimpeded by guys approaching the women in their groups because they “just want to talk to you for a second”. The Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” crashed after 12,000 people asked, “for a friend”, how to bail yourself out of jail, create a makeshift pipe out of an apple and tinfoil, and/or which pizza places will deliver to jail. Over 5000 “arrested selfies” were also uploaded to the site before the server went down.

While incarcerated, four of the detainees have already collaborated on an app that allows you to crowd-source prison break attempts with other people currently detained in the same jail as you.

 

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Protest at Tel Aviv University Research Lab after Chimp forced to read Haaretz Kills Itself

TAU Chimp

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/4/2016 at 11:30 AM

Ramat Aviv: Israel’s Animal Rights Community is up in arms  over credible reports that a chimpanzee housed at Tel Aviv University’s Sackler Faculty of Medicine took its own life early today after a marathon session in which it was forced to read the newspaper Haaretz every day for three weeks straight. The chimp, known as “Dudi” was found in his cage at dawn, unresponsive, and attempts to revive him with coffee and a nice cinnamon pastry failed. The Daily Freier was on the scene as various Animal Rights Activists chained themselves to the Medical School’s gate.

This is unacceptable and it has to stop. NOW.” exhorted an impassioned Tamir W. “To force a defenseless creature to read Haaretz cover to cover for three weeks. I mean, I don’t even do that, and I’m Lefty as hell.” Tamir continued. “If they had just let Dudi read the Weekend edition, maybe skip the editorial page during the week, that would have been OK.  But to overdose him like this…….it’s just not right. No human could take this punishment. Well, no human outside of Sheinkin.”

Even some members of the Medical School’s student body left class early to stand in solidarity with the protesters.  A tearful Smadar K. recalled her experiences with Dudi. “As part of my internship, I used to bring Dudi his snacks every day. When I first met him, he was so happy.  But as he got further and further into the Haaretz experiment, he became plagued with self-doubt. It’s like he started to…..he started to blame himself for everything. Like when I showed up 2 hours late one day, he used sign language to apologize to me……but I was the one who was late. What the hell?

University officials were unapologetic today, with Spokesperson Tamar C. speaking to assembled media. “Whatever. This is science.  Anyway, next week the orangutans will start going online to read +972.”

Tel Aviv University Graduate Students Invoke “Right of Return” In Attempt To Get Back Into Local Bracelet Bar

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By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 9/6/2015 at 10:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov: Tel Aviv University graduate students Melissa P. and Kate D. have adopted “The Right of Return” in their ongoing dispute with a bracelet bar on Bograshov near Ben Yehuda.  The women’s ordeal began earlier this evening around 8:30 PM local time when they arrived at the establishment, purchasing the ’79 Shekel Red Bracelets’, allowing an unlimited amount of house wine, draft beer, and mixed drinks.  After spending several hours at the establishment getting, as one bystander noted, “hella wasted”, the ladies departed the bar.   It is at this point that the narratives of the protagonists in this ordeal diverge, with bar hostess Anat L. claiming that the ladies voluntarily left their seats and set out toward Dizengoff Street, while Melissa and Kate insisting that they were forcibly evicted from their land seats and cast out of the bar “for like no reason”. The Daily Freier spoke with Anat for her perspective on this ongoing tragedy.

Those two were out of control, but I guess the manager likes them.  Anyway, I told them that after 10 PM there is a noise ordinance, and if they want to stay outside they need to keep it down.  Well that led to an eye roll or two.  I had to go back to talk with them two more times.  On the last trip over there, Kate just said “F– this, we’re out, and they stormed off….. Of course they came back like 30 minutes later because, and I quote, “the other place sucked”. But by that time newcomers had settled at their table.  And to just  let them back in would totally disrupt the current demographics of the bar……Welcome to Israel.”

The Daily Freier was also able to speak with Melissa and Kate for their side of the story. Melissa shared her perspective; “Whatever the hostess told you is total crap.  She hates us. She basically ran us off, and then turned around and said that we left on our own accord.  I mean yeah we left, but only because we knew that our friend Ran’s shift starts at 11 and that  if we came back he would take care of us at the bar.  But when we came back, our chairs were occupied.  The whole thing was a disaster……wait, I should know this…..how do you say ‘disaster’ in Arabic???” 

Kate was equally adamant that an injustice had occurred; “We bought these bracelets, and they’re good all night.  Our right of return is inalienable and cannot simply be negotiated away.”  When the Daily Freier asked Kate what kind of repercussions might occur if their wishes were not respected, she noted “If they think they can just get away with this shit, I will boycott them forever……or at least until next Wednesday.  That’s old school hip-hop night.”

Daily Frieier Proud to Announce Launch of New Boardgame “BDS Twister”!

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By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 7/2/2015 at 9:30 AM

Ann Arbor:

Today the Daily Freier is proud to announce the launch of its exciting new boardgame, “BDS Twister“!  BDS Twister lets committed and self-identified “peace activists” find exciting new ways to square their progressive ideals with their tacit support of regimes under which being gay is illegal but honor killings are no big deal.  Daily Freier reporter Harun Kenoğlu covered the product launch today at Ann Arbor’s “People’s Third World Anarchist Food Co-Op” with the details.

“This game is amazing” noted an excited Ethan Smith as he contorted his body on the vinyl game board.  “The spinner landed on ‘Palestinian Unwed Pregnant Woman Killed by her Brothers and Cousins; They Get Six Months Suspended Jail Sentence‘, which is a tough one, but then I was able to contort my arms and shoulders and touch the circle for “Because of The Occupation”!  Winning!”

An equally excited Willow Amoud explained her winning moves. “I landed on ‘Gay Youth flee West Bank for Safety of Tel Aviv’, twisted my torso, popped my elbow, which is easy ‘cuz I’m double jointed, and landed  one hand on “Because of the Gaza Blockade”,  and the other on “Stop Pinkwashing!”  Double points!

Dylan Cohen, a grad student getting ready for a Masters program this Fall at Tel Aviv University, was beside himself with excitement. “So with BDS Twister, I can protest the Separation Fence, I mean ‘Apartheid Wall’, wave my American passport at the Border Police if they get too close, then return to Tel Aviv by nightfall knowing that because of the Wall, I can go out clubbing and drinking without the fear of getting blown up!  Amazing!”

Daily Freier contacted BDS organizer Omar Barghouti, who was less than thrilled but seemingly unsurprised  that a Jewish guy found a way to make a quick buck off of BDS.

“We demand to pay full foreign student rate!” Arabs at Tel Aviv University Protest Naqba Day

happy-naqba-dayBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/20/2015 at 7:30 PM

Ramat Aviv: Today outside of Tel Aviv University, Arab students held a protest in observance of Naqba Day (‘The Catastrophe’), mourning the creation of the State of Israel.  Student leader Firaz A. stated “We see the creation of the so-called State of Israel and our dispossession  as an injustice, and for this reason, I refuse to accept that I can pay the discounted rate of 8,000 Shekels ($2,000) tuition as an Israeli citizen.  I insist on paying the full foreign rate, as this regime was created in sin.  Therefore, I am presenting the University Bursar with 52,000 Shekels in cash ($13,000).  I refuse to derive any benefit from this criminal enterprise known as ‘Israel”“.

Fellow student Maryam N. was equally adamant: “Not only will I refuse to pay tuition at the discounted rate, but henceforth I refuse to be treated in free ‘Israeli’ government healthcare facilities.  From now on it’s strictly private doctors who take cash.”  When the Daily Freier asked Maryam if paying more for her education might be an economic hardship, she replied “Yes it will be difficult for me and my family, but I must stay intellectually honest to my cause.  After all, if I gained benefits from a regime that I despise, that would make me a bit of a hypocrite, wouldn’t it?

Guy in Missile Shelter Says He’s Only One Or Two More Alerts Away From Asking Out Girl From Second Floor

stock-footage-man-and-woman-talking-outside-at-night1By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 7/17/2014 at 6:20 PM

Ramat Aviv– Summer TAU student Ethan Schwartz told sources today that he is “like this close” to asking out an attractive coed known simply as “Melissa from Rockland“.  Mr. Schwartz noted, “I saw her during the first alert last Tuesday, and each alert I’ve been able to throw a little light banter.  You know, a joke here and there. ‘Where’d you go to school?’, that kind of thing.  I even showed her the Red Alert App on my Iphone.  Yesterday after the All Clear, I laughed and said ‘See You Soon!’ as I was leaving and she kinda giggled.

Concerning recent peace efforts, Mr. Schwartz expressed reservations; “If this current ceasefire holds through the weekend, my entire timetable is thrown off“.

When contacted by Daily Freier Staff about Mr. Schwartz’s overtures, “Melissa from Rockland” had no idea in fact who he was.