Jerusalem: The #StartupNation just got wind of a story making some Not-So-Nice assertions about its economy, and they are NOT happy. In February, Bloomberg Online published an article describing Israel’s economy as “Low-Tech”. And if you think Israel is going to just take this sort of disrespect, well, you’re wrong. This afternoon, the Israeli Ministry of Finance sent a very irate Fax to Bloomberg citing all of the inaccuracies and false assertions in the story. The Daily Freier stopped by the Ministry to get all the facts.
“This article is just full of falsehoods and exaggerations.” explained Ministry spokesperson, Guy H., as a Dot-Matrix Printer worked noisily in the background. “Israel’s economy is a Hub of growth and innovation. We have the Technion! And look at Wix! Don’t forget about Waze!” Guy fiddled distractedly with his desktop computer for a moment and continued. “Please excuse me, my Windows 95 is telling me I need to re-start in order to install the latest patches.”
The Daily Freier then asked Guy if there was a reason why it took his office two whole months to respond to Bloomberg’s slanderous hit-piece. “We’ve been having a lot of problems with our dial-up, and the woman who has the password for the office computer with Internet access is on maternity leave and the guy with the key to the computer room has been on a smoke break for 7 weeks and we can’t fire him because his Uncle is a Big Deal over at Histadrut.” At this moment, Guy’s phone began to ring. “Sorry, but I need to take this call. Nobody has gotten new ID cards since December and I’m hoping that’s the Reprographics Shop saying they’ve fixed the Printer.” (Editor’s Note: Based on a True Story! In real life, a certain writer finally received his or her ID Card for the University of Haifa after submitting the request in December. And they misspelled our name on the card. Not that we’re bitter.)
As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Guy asked us if we wanted to connect on MySpace.
UPDATE: In a late breaking development, the Daily Freier learned that Bloomberg disconnected its Fax Line at some point in late 2007, and thus never received the Economy Minister’s angry screed.
Herzliya Pituach- World leaders woke up this morning to the shocking revelation that Israel’s famed Secret Service had crippled Iran’s guided missile program by giving the Iranians the popular and sometimes also accurate navigation App “Waze”. Waze, an Israeli start-up success story that in 2013 was sold to Google for $1 Billion, was secretly uploaded into the Iranian missile guidance database through an unknown Third Party working in coordination with the Mossad. The Daily Freier was able to speak to a shadowy guy named “Tzvi” outside Google’s Herzliya campus.
“This was a difficult assignment. We wanted a program that would spoof the Iranian missile software into calculating the supposedly shortest route, but in reality it sends the projectile on a boondoggle. So I talked to a friend, who talked to a friend, who copied Waze onto their server. Now the navigation system directs the missiles aimed at Tel Aviv to first swing by a Tim Horton’s Doughnut Shop just north of Saskatoon.”
Iran reacted in undisguised panic this morning at the revelation. A Revolutionary Guard Corps Spokesperson, speaking on condition of anonymity, described the chaos. “This is worse than Stuxnet. We’ve lost at least six months. To add insult to injury, we just found out that our Al Quds Force homepage works off of Wix.”
Tel Aviv, Namal: Multiple Pro-Israel bloggers have begun publicizing the fact that Anti-Israel activists such as Max Blumenthal, Code Pink, and Students for Justice in Palestine are using the Israeli Platform Wix for their websites. And Wix is getting a bit annoyed…. at the Pro-Israel Activists! Wix Spokesperson Noam D. addressed the media at a Press Conference today at their Namal Port location.
” So yeah. Jewsnews? Israellycool? Daily Freier? You just publicly mocked clients of ours. Paying. Clients. I know this seems weird to some of you bloggers, but some of us on the Internet actually, like, make money and stuff.”
Noam was asked if she had a message for the Internet’s Israel Advocacy community. “Do I have a message for the Hasbarah Jamboree? Yeah sure I do……Hey guys, STFU!”
When asked for her personal opinion on the BDS organizations using the Wix platform, Noam replied, “Whatever. It’s not like we’re selling FOREX.”
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.