Tag: Mia Deych

Woman on Secret Tel Aviv seeking live-in Boy Toy is just FOREX Human Resources

Secret Tel Aviv Boy Toy FOREX roommate

By Mia Deych, Mark Levy, and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 7/26/2016 at 1:10 PM

(DISCLAIMER: TODAY THE FREIER IS TOTALLY NOT SAFE FOR WORK!)

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Recently, a woman posted on Secret Tel Aviv seeking a roommate under…… “special conditions”.  The Daily Freier was going to try to explain the post, but whatever we say won’t do it justice:

woman seeks boy toy secret tel aviv daily freier roommate FOREX

Anyhoo, Secret Tel Aviv being Secret Tel Aviv, the readers reacted with a mixture of shock and anger that….. JUST KIDDING….. the men of Tel Aviv went on Full RED ALERT and sprang into action, replying with such important questions as:

  1. Does the apartment have a dishwasher?
  2. As a flatmate, I can also bring a kitten.
  3. Pick Me I’m Jewish!
  4. Can I bring my Barbie Dolls?
  5. Keep Kosher?

Despite the story seeming to be just an innocent request for a live-in sex object, the truth is far more sinister: the entire set-up was simply a ruse by a woman who works in the Human Resources section of a prominent FOREX company in Ramat Gan, and the men who responded found themselves not in a Get-Your-Freak-On scenario, but a Binary Options Job Interview. The Daily Freier waited outside the Apartment and conducted Exit Interviews with the traumatized men of Tel Aviv as they learned the bitter truth.

As he left her apartment, local guy Shai (from the coffee kiosk) said “I’m into experiments, but this pushed my boundaries WAY too far. I might be a submissive, but I’m not into Cold-Calling torture!

We then spoke with recent French Oleh David as he skulked away in shame. “I walked into the interview thinking I was, how do you say, ‘Overqualified?’ Because I am… French? But I’m into bondage, not Binary Bondage.

Yet there was somebody who DID seem OK with the arrangement, but wished to remain anonymous. The Daily Freier asked the Mystery Man if he had any comments.  “Yeah, can you adjust my leather collar? It’s itchy.

We actually volunteered to check out all of the details of the arrangement. Just as advertised, They DO provide lunch and breakfast. There ARE good showers on site. If you work night-shift, there ARE beds. The only thing we couldn’t figure out was…..uhhhhh….. this:

Party Daily Freier FOREX Secret Tel Aviv Roommate

 

 

 

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Eyal Golan opens new class for Olim at Ulpan Gordon

Eyal Golan opens new class for Olim at Ulpan Gordon Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: backtotheroots.weebly.com)

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 7/19/2016 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, LaSalle: Taking part in an innovative program of the Misrad HaKlitah aimed at welcoming new Olim and helping them adapt to Israeli culture, famous singer Eyal Golan opens his class in Ulpan Gordon next month. The class will take place once a week and will help students to learn Hebrew in a fun way by translating and singing songs of the popular singer (a Mizrachi style hand clapping tutorial will also be provided).

On behalf of Mr. Golan, his spokesperson Roy told us a bit about the education program, which is rumoured to be quite hands-on. “The program is based on Eyal’s albums and divided into several levels:

1. Look at me (הסתכלי אלי) – Levels Alef and Alef Plus
2. You touched my heart (נגעת לי בלב) – Alef Plus-Plus students, who have learned past tense
3. Soldier of Love (חייל של אהבה) – Level Bet
4. Whisper in the Night (לחישה בלילה) – for Advanced Students, personally selected by Eyal

This class is more suitable for single women, but other students are also (sort of) welcome.” added Roy. Mr. Golan’s Insurance Provider still has not signed off on his participation, due to certain totally unfounded rumors in the past. However, many female students at Ulpan Gordon are already thrilled and getting ready to hold a protest in Kikar Rabin to support the program.

Are there going to be any tests to join the class? “Eyal looks forward to seeing all students at his classes, but French and South American accents seem to be more inspiring for him. You know, he has already gotten tired of Russian accents.” said Roy after a few free shots (chasers we mean!) of Arak.

The Freier discovers the secret to Cofix 5 Shekel prices

 We have discovered a secret of a five-shekel policy at Cofix Daily Freier Tel Aviv Israel

(Photo Credit: Wikipedia)

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 7/6/2016 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Tel Aviv is a city of extremes. It’s either unbearably hot or freaking cold here, people are either zealous lefties or stubbornly right.  But when it comes to prices, it gets to the boiling point. No need to mention how ridiculously overpriced local supermarkets and bars are, but right next to them you can always find Cofix and get anything you need (or almost anything – I personally still can’t find gluten-free vegan chewing bones for my dog) for the low low price of 5 shekels!

Why is it 5 Shekels and not 7, 12, or 5.99? The Daily Freier couldn’t help but be curious and thus wanted to find an answer to this question. After 945 missed calls and 61 attempts to get into the Cofix Headquarters (no need to say “wow”, we’ve got a vast experience dealing with Cellcom and Hot Cable), a third cousin of  a branch manager named Chaim finally confessed:

Have you ever tried to break 200 shekels into 5-shekel coins to use a laundromat? It accepts only 1 and 5-shekel coins, and if you have a big family (by that I mean Bnei B’rak Sephardi big, not your Tel Aviv Ashkenazi with four dogs), you have to make 10-20 loads of laundry daily. We simply needed a lot 5-shekel coins.”

Another even closer family member (who wished to remain anonymous) confirmed that. “Everything started with a small kiosk selling coffee and pastries just to get our daily laundry done, but then we started growing bigger and bigger and it turned out to be profitable”. He excused himself and said that he needed to put his laundry into the dryer, but we managed to ask him why they didn’t just buy their own washing machines? “Can you imagine how many 5-shekel coins we have? Do you know how much Leumi bank will charge us to get 200-shekel bills? It’s easier just to use the laundromats!

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Linguists: Honking means “Sorry” in ancient Hebrew

Daily Freier Car Honking Sorry Ancient Hebrew

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 6/8/2016 at 7:00 AM

Ramat Gan Eden: Have you ever wondered why Israelis honk all the time? You might have though they were impatient, pushy or even rude, but a new discovery made at the Linguistics Faculty of Bar Ilan University explains everything.

The sound of honking is an absolute copy of an archaic meaning for ‘sorry‘ in ancient Hebrew.” explained Professor Yael K. over the phone as we wandered lost around Ramat Gan trying to find the Campus. “Moreover, it actually means ‘I am sorry for all that I have done wrong within past 24 hours.‘ so it can actually be addressed to a lady they cut in line earlier this morning or a guy they elbowed trying to get on the bus. The word was spelled as בייב, which can be mistakenly confused with the word ‘beep’ due to the overwhelming influence of modern English.”

Professor Yael then provided the historical background of this remarkable theory. “If you look at the history of the Jewish people, we’ve always been reflexive. We tend to gather the information, analyze it, and only then do we make conclusions. Therefore, we don’t say sorry straightway, but we wait until we can fully understand what happened and apologize”.

However, how do Israelis acquire this knowledge? “There are a few hypotheses, but very likely, it’s Tnuva milk that enables the transfer of this information from one generation to another. That’s how we learn this ancient word, and thus it becomes a part of our vocabulary. Some linguists even suspect that 1% milk has a bit worse transferability rate, and that Soy milk is completely worthless, but further peer-reviewed research is required.”

Am Israeli Chai

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Ukrainian Olah suspects Israeli-American boyfriend is actually just Israeli

Ukrainian Olah suspects American-Israeli Boyfriend is just Israeli

(Based on a True Story! Almost!)

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 5/11/2016 at 10:00 AM

Bat Yam: Ukrainian Olah Natasha G. moved to Bat Yam four months ago to find a husband. “My grandma Baba told me Jews are good husbands.” explained Natasha as she shopped at Azrieli mall. “Baba knows what she is talking about – one of her husbands was a Jew.” Natasha stopped for a moment to fix her pink lipstick. “So, I met this guy on OkCipud. It’s not like Tinder or anything. OkCupid is for serious relationships, right?” Natasha arched her freshly drawn eyebrows. “So his name is Omer and he wrote in his profile that he lives in New York, and he told me that he is an Israeli-American and runs a start-up. I thought to myself – this is destiny!

We’ve been together for a month, but I started suspecting his story because his English sucks. Not that mine was perfect, but if he was an Israeli-American, he would be kinda fluent in English, right?” The Daily Freier Guest Reporter didn’t have a chance to find out what was wrong with Mr. Omer the Boyfriend’s English, because Natasha saw a special offer “Second item – half price” and we lost her somewhere in H&M.

To find out the truth, the Freier Guest Reporter stalked Omer on Facebook and met him for a beer (“to sit on the beer” as he explained). “U spik Hibrow, no?” inquired Omer. “Hawo much taym U heer?” Omer told me he always says to non-Americans that he is half American. “The idea of an extra passport doesn’t hurt.” said Omer winking. We wanted to ask Omer what happens if a girl finds out but he saw his old army friend in the other corner of the bar and ran to him screaming “Ma kore, achi?!?” so we had to spend the rest of the evening swiping pictures on Tinder.