Month: June 2016

From the Freier's Archives....

D-Day Cancelled After Cultural Appropriation Incident

Daily Freier D Day Cancelled Cultural AppropriationBy the Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 6 JUN 44 at 0900 Hours

London: Citing published reports of inappropriate activity among personnel, General Dwight Eisenhower delayed Operation OVERLORD indefinitely. OVERLORD, the planned invasion of Nazi-Occupied Europe, was a closely guarded secret until this morning’s Press Conference.  At the Press Conference, General Eisenhower outlined the infractions.

“The reported incidents within the 101st Airborne of soldiers applying Native American traditional male facial adornment, along with the cutting of hair in traditional Native American style is simply unacceptable in today’s Army.  Not only that, but by combining quote unquote warpaint used by Plains Indians in the 19th Century with hairstyles prevalent among 18th Century Iroquois of what is now Central New York, the soldiers displayed a profound ignorance of cultural norms.  I mean, it’s almost as if they weren’t even paying attention during last week’s Cultural Anthropology/Human Terrain Briefing. Who is their Unit FAO anyway?”

News of the delay spread quickly among the ranks. Technical Sergeant Donald Barclay of the Army Air Corps shared his views with the Daily Freier. “The worst part is that everyone knows this will lead to a mandatory Awareness Briefing, which they always seem to schedule for Friday nights. This is seriously cutting into my drinking time. Oh, and don’t let them see the Rita Hayworth mural on our B-24.”

When asked when the Allies planned to re-schedule the liberation of Europe from Fascism, General Eisenhower stated that perhaps some time in Autumn, but “Definitely not until all units have successfully verified compliance with the scheduled retraining and submitted the results through the Chain of Command. Priorities, people!”

 

 

 

Aliyah, The IDF

Lone Soldier has “No Idea” where Roommate’s Food Went

Lone Soldier totally not stealing your foodBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 6/5/2016 at 11:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Frischman: Tel Aviv resident Rachel G. is at her wit’s end.  After returning from a weekend in Haifa, her refrigerator is empty. And nobody has been in the apartment except her roommate Danny, a Lone Soldier. Yet Danny has told her that the status of the food is a mystery to him as well.

“I just don’t get it.” Rachel explained. “I mean, we didn’t know each other before he responded to my ad on Secret Tel Aviv, but we get along fine. He’s been really good about finding things on the street for the apartment.  Just last week he found a mattress, a yoga mat, and a guitar.  And when my parents were in town, he was totally cool with coming to dinner with us at Sarona Market. I mean, they paid, but still.” Rachel continued to mull over the situation. “I just feel betrayed. You know, it’s the ketchup packets from Burger Ranch that hurts the most.”

Fellow Lone soldier Jeremy C. shared his suspicions with the daily Freier. “I guess I figured something was up when I stopped by to play Xbox and he offered me a tuna sandwich. Also, he has a new hat. Yeah, something just doesn’t make sense.”

When Jeremy confronted him about his sudden sandwich-production capability, Danny’s alibi was that he already has “lots of canned food that he stole from miluim last week“. Which has the ring of truth to it.

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Birthright, Pride Week, The IDF

“But Birthright said Tel Aviv was nothing but hot Army Chicks!”

But Birthright said Tel Aviv was full of hot Army chicks Daily Freier Israel News(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

This is ridiculous. Birthright are a bunch of damn liars.  According to the brochure I should be riding a camel to a hummus restaurant with like two Army girls by now.  But no. This town is crawling with dudes.  If I wanted a sausage fest, I could have stayed in Jersey for the Summer. I just feel cheated. Especially because I talked so much shit to the bros before I left last week. And now I have no good stories.

And where are all these guys’ clothes?  I don’t get it.  I mean it’s hot out, but not that hot.  It’s hardly June.  And what do all of the flags mean? I just don’t get it.  And why is everyone in such good shape?  That dude over there is ripped.  The cuts on his triceps and abs are ridiculous.  I bet he lifts. I wonder what supplements he uses. Creatine maybe?  I should go ask him.

Dating and Relationships, Pride Week

“Is he Gay or just being Israeli?” – a Helpful Guide for Pride Week Visitors

Is he Gay or Just being Israeli? Daily Freier(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Emily Goldstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 6/4/2016 at 3:20 PM

Tel Aviv, HaYarkon: Employees from the  Tel Aviv Municipality Tourism Office continue to distribute a helpful and informative pamphlet to our out-of-town visitors this week: “Is He Gay or Just Being Israeli? A Visitor’s Guide to Pride Week“.  Tourism Office Spokesperson Galit K. discussed the initiative with the Daily Freier as we walked along the HaYarkon Promenade.

“We see this pamphlet as a true win-win. Sometimes visitors have a difficult time figuring things out here in Israel. So the city stepped in to help.”  Galit pointed toward several men in Speedos on the beach play-wrestling in the sand and grabbing each other.  “Do you see those men?  Now a visitor might have a preconceived notion, but they are in fact just Army buddies…..who clearly wax and pluck……and have an excess of hair gel and highlights…..and appear to be listening to Eyal Golan……OK, I see your point.”

Galit continued to explain the initiative. “Do you see the two men over there at the cafe?  One of these men owns Capri pants, loves to dance, has on a silver lycra tank top, and calls his mom twice a day…… And the other one is into dudes.“

Galit admitted that the “Is He Gay or Just Being Israeli?” campaign experienced a setback when the entire first batch of pamphlets were taken home to be read by frustrated and confused women who actually live in Tel Aviv, but that more pamphlets are on their way to hotels and hostels throughout the city.  When the Daily Freier challenged Galit on recent reports that the Mossad is jamming the nation’s Gaydar, she quickly told us that she had another appointment and had to end the interview.

Pride Week

Tel Aviv Shops Display Rainbow Flags to Honor 50% Price Increase this Week

Tel Aviv Rainbow flags Raising Prices Daily FreierBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 6/2/2016 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: People all over town are excited to welcome new and old friends from the LGBT Community to Tel Aviv this week.  In honor of this auspicious event Tel Aviv businesses are festooned with Rainbow Flags to celebrate an a 50% increase in prices. The Daily Freier spoke with Tel Aviv Cultural Affairs Chairperson Safir H. to find out just what this is all about.

“Tel Aviv is a very special place.” explained Safir. “This is the only city in the Middle East where you can enjoy a beer for $11 regardless of how you identify.” Safir pointed to a pub displaying the Rainbow Flag. “And if you see the flag this week, rest assured that if you purchase a drink, you can purchase a second drink for exactly the same price.”

We are Proud to Have You Daily Freier Pride Week

As Safir continued down Dizengoff Street, the Daily Freier noted a sign on a business that said “We are so Proud to Have You“. Safir explained that this sign was a result of budget cutbacks. “This sign was actually shortened due to funding constraints. The original design was ‘We are so Proud to Have Your Money.’ But we had our funding cut and had to improvise. Welcome to Israel.”

As we passed a local eatery, Safir said hello to her friend Yoni the proprietor. “We welcome everybody to our restaurant.” explained Yoni. “Stonewall, ACT-UP, Will & Grace…these were just steps on the path to me charging you 150 Shekels for a Buffet Brunch.”

As the Daily Freier ended the interview and entered a taxi, the tearful driver explained why this week is so special for him. “Tel Aviv is like nowhere else in the world. Today I am celebrating diversity by refusing to turn on my meter! But for 100 Shekels I can drive you to Savidor.“

Guest Writer Wednesday

Sick of the Middle East Balagan, Israel considers ‘MExit’

Knesset MExit Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 6/1/2016 at 6:10 PM

Jerusalem: In a world of naff abbreviations, memes and soundbites, the Israeli Knesset this week debated a motion brought by rebel MKs on the benefits of an Israeli ‘MExit‘: an exit from the Middle East.

Seeing how all the talk of a ‘Brexit‘ (British Exit) in Europe has engaged an apathetic British public from its political slumber and scared the bejesus heck out of the European Union, the Israeli PM agreed to the debate, which raged well into Friday night. Drunken new Defense Minister Avigdor ‘the Tom Jones of Odessa’ Lieberman cried into his vodka: “I don’t want to move but at least we would not have to find a lousy Eurovision entry. It’s humiliating. Like Arafat in a thong.”

One of the more sensible suggestions was to charter 2,300 El Al flights, 43,000 kosher meals and take Israeli citizens on a junket to northern Thailand – where most seem to spend their post-army travels and run travel agencies.

Another suggestion was to fit all of the Holy Land inside two streets in a Shanghai suburb, which raised the prospect of Tel Avivians enjoying Chinese food that was actually good.

A third and more challenging option, was to transfer the Jewish people to Mars. Whilst this idea drew widespread support in Iran, Saudi Arabia, Lebanon, and among the BDS movement, there was also a great deal of support WITHIN Israel as real estate giant Shikun & Binui immediately applied for planning permission to build affordable high-rises on the red planet. Marketing the development as ‘Eilat in the Sky,’ young Israelis were also excited, as it seems they don’t actually enjoy paying more than 4,000 shekels a month for a studio as large as a border collie. With nothing to grow, nothing to do and an atmosphere lacking breathable air, Mars is using advertising slogans from the Beersheba tourist board.  Discussions broke down after participants learned that the Palestinians claim Mars was actually originally theirs.

There was also excitement in Israel to the sweet idea recently proposed by a British MP that Israel should be moved to the United States of America. “It would fit inside New Jersey” shrieked one excited Israeli, in a three kilometer line for Green Cards at the U.S. Embassy.

Upon the news, everyone’s dreaded President-Elect Donald Trump escorted the U.S. navy to patrol the seas off Ellis Island, carrying a Monty Pythonesque placard saying: “What have the bloody Jews ever done for us?” before being counter-sued by his son-in-law Jared Kushner.

As morning rolled around, Bibi called UK Prime Minister David Cameron to see if he would consider a land swap. The UK would return to supervise the land of Israel while Israelis moved into their relatives’ homes in Hendon and Golders Green. Netanyahu also said Dana International could stay and sing for the UK in next year’s Eurovision. David Cameron, vehemently against a Brexit, was said to be considering such a sweetener.