Tag: Iran

Mossad, Operation Epic Fury

Top Ten Signs That Israel Is About To Blow Up Your Staff Meeting

1. There’s a red dot on the wall but nobody has a laser pointer.

2. Why did the tea lady just call you “Mami”?

3. Your new IT guy insisted on working from home today.

4. The security guard is snacking on Hamantaschen.

5. Conference room is reserved for “Soleimani Reunion 2026”.

6. You open Bluetooth and see “Dudu’s burner phone”.

7. The felafel guy gave you a free Apple Air Tag with your order.

8. Bird on the windowsill is tweeting Hatikvah.

9. You sneeze and a man in the heating ducts says “LeBriyut!”.

10. Photographer for the group picture wants you to stand on some red and white concentric circles.

Operation Epic Fury

Top Ten Other Times That The Iranian News Anchor Cried On Live TV

1. Zayn quit One Direction
2. NBC didn’t renew Freaks & Geeks
3. Candace Owens tried to pronounce “anecdote”
4. Barbra Streisand announced her Goodbye Tour
5. “That” scene in The Crying Game
6. Last year’s Finale of The Bachelor
7. Kim told Khloe that Tristan cheated on her
8. Bruce Willis died at the end of Armageddon
9. Bennifer broke up for the second time
10. Trump called Rosie O’Donnel fat

Hezbollah

Iran Ambassador’s Top Ten Excuses for having Hezbollah Pager

Imagine our surprise when, Boom, the Iranian Ambassador’s pager blew up and took out one of his eyes yesterday (Dayenu!). Because it doesn’t even make sense. I mean, Hezbollah is an organic Lebanese Resistance Movement. So when Israel blew up its pagers, we were like, ‘Hey, why does Iran have one of Hezbollah’s pagers? They’re not Lebanese!’ But despite the lack of logic of it all, the Daily Freier has soldiered through and delivered you this Cornucopia of random ideas that ran through our head. So Behold: Iranian Ambassador  to Lebanon Mojtaba Amani’s Top Ten Excuses for having a Hezbollah pager.

1) I need Up-To-The-Minute Alerts about when Travis Kelce is going to propose to and/or break up with Taylor Swift

2) Sometimes they need an extra guy to make Minyan.

3) My wife took away my iPhone after she caught me in Mohammed El Kurd’s DM’s.

4) I was putting together an outfit for an 80’s Night.

5) Was listening to Biggie Smalls and just wanted to Keep It Real.

6) Kind of Obsessed with Nino Brown in New Jack City right now.

7) I was getting easily distracted by the Snake game on my 2001 Nokia phone.

8) Threw away my Samsung Galaxy because Robert Malley kept sexting me.

9) The Ayatollah chastised me for my old phone’s Matisyahu ringtone.

10) I am part of a criminal regime that has taken over  Yemen, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon in order to fight Israel to the last Arab.

Mossad, The Middle East (but not us)

Top Ten Signs You’re on the Wrong Helicopter

The Daily Freier joins our regional neighbors in sitting Shiva for Iran’s President Raisi, ז”ל. While stressing that Israel had like totally NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS, here at the Daily Freier we try to take Life’s Lemons and make them into the really tasty mixed drink with mint and Arak that we used to drink in the Shuk. Wait, where were we? OK…. a teaching moment…. So without further ado, behold today’s Aeronautical Safety Brief from the Daily Freier, also know as “Top Ten Signs You’re on the Wrong Helicopter“.

1. The mechanic is lubricating the rotors with grease from his Chelo Kebab.

2. The Fuel Guy says he’s with the IRGC, but you catch him snacking on Bamba and Cafe Hafuch.

3. You’re stuck in a fog bank, but the navigator keeps sexting with Nick Fuentes.

4. The Avionics Technician got his Computer Science degree from Harvard.

5. The Check-In Lady at Tehran Airport calls you “Mami” and answers her cellphone by saying “Heyoosh!”

6. The pilot only got his job because he was Ilhan Omar’s brother and/or husband.

7. You tune your headset to the Ground Control Channel but it’s playing Macklemore.

8. The pilot announces “slight turbulence” and then he says that you’re about to meet Soleimani.

9. You’re losing altitude and the guy next to you is busy scribbling 72 women’s names on a piece of paper.

10. Just before take-off, The pilot announces that he has evidence of Hillary Clinton’s corruption.

 

 

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Start Up Nation

Heroes: Iran Drones Delayed by Experts from Israeli Postal Service

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 04/14/2024 at 4:45 PM

Jerusalem: Israel breathed a sigh of relief this morning after Iran’s missile attack failed to cause serious casualties. Many of us thanked the Armed Forces of the USA, UK, and Jordan for shooting down much of the Armada. We also wondered why it took the Drones and Cruise Missiles like 8 hours to fly here, giving our defenses plenty of warning. Yet few of us know of the Unsung Heroes in Israel who deserve our praise today for the Super Slow Drones. Was it the Mossad? Nope, this time the Israeli Postal Service saved the day by hacking into Iran’s Guidance Systems and causing the Drones to take a much more “relaxed” attitude toward their job! The Daily Freier waited in line at the Post Office near Machane Yehuda for 45 minutes this morning until we could talk to one of Israel’s Modern Maccabees about their Mission.

“It was really quite easy.” explained a Postal employee named Yossi as he snacked on sunflower seeds and lazily glanced at his crossword puzzle. “Me and Yonatan hacked into the Guidance System and added the same Code that we use for ‘Priority Mail’. So yeah, the Missiles took a 3-hour Meal Break and shut off their transponders so Management wouldn’t know where they were.”

The Daily Freier tried to call Yossi a Hero of Zion, but he was reticent. “We just did our jobs. You know, by telling the Onboard Guidance Systems that the woman who had the proper target coordinates had just left early for a 2 Week Holiday Break after which she planned to transition directly to Maternity Leave.” Yossi looked up from his game of Sudoku and winked at us. “Based on a True Story!“

The Daily Freier wanted to continue the Interview, but Yossi told us to come back on Tuesday or Thursday between the hours of 0900 and 1100.

Mossad, Start Up Nation

Israel deploys experts from El Al to cripple Damascus Airport

(Photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/2/2022 at 13:30

Damascus: In a scene right out of spy Thrillers like “Fauda” or “Tehran“, Israel has infiltrated Damascus International Airport, crippling Iranian weapons shipments. Yet this feat was accomplished not by the vaunted Israeli Air Force, nor was it accomplished by the secretive Mossad. Rather, Damascus Airport was taken down by an elite team from El Al Airlines. You see, when it comes to really screwing up air travel, nobody comes close to the expertise of El Al. There is even a Facebook group to complain about them (Spoiler Alert: They don’t care). In order to get the whole story, The Daily Freier spoke with stranded travelers and employees at Damascus Airport via Zoom and pestered some real journalists who were actually on the scene.

“Somebody just took down our website.” complained Ahmed from the Airport’s IT office. “How do you take down a website that runs on Windows 95? Who still has access to that technology? Our country has been in a civil war for 11 years. What’s your excuse?”

“I’ve been on hold for 7 hours.” noted a frustrated woman named Fatima as she watched her 3 children while trying to reach a customer service representative. “If this sorcery is the work of the Jews, then they are even more clever than we previously believed.“

While we spoke to Fatima, another traveler joined in and noted his experience. “I finally got through on the telephone to a human.” explained Saleh. “Unfortunately, he told me that the only person who can help me is on Maternity Leave. When I told him that my luggage has been lost for 3 days, he called me a Liar.“

The International Community was quick to condemn Israel’s actions at Damascus Airport. A spokesperson for Russia’s foreign ministry declared that “The provocative Israeli attack against essential civilian infrastructure is an absolutely unacceptable violation of international norms”. (REAL WORLD NON-SATIRE ALERT: Russia really really said this.)

A Syrian official speaking on condition of anonymity stated that El Al’s attacks would have actually been much worse, but Damascus Airport stopped using Fax Machines in 2007.

Beaches of Tel Aviv, Start Up Nation

Miracle: Overflowing Sewage drives Oil Spill from Tel Aviv Beaches

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/7/2021 at 3:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Charles Clore Beach: Residents are calling it a modern miracle, as untreated sewage has chased the recent oil spill away from Tel Aviv’s beaches.

A few weeks back a bunch of oil started washing up on Israel’s shores, hurting wildlife and closing the beaches. Nobody knows exactly how it happened, but if you think that’s going to stop an Israeli politician from pontificating on something, well Boker Tov. Environmental Protection Minister Gila Gamliel decided that this would be a good time to publicize her personal Fauda Fan Fiction Blog, and blamed Iran for the oil spill because why not? Anyhoo, the oil spill was doing serious damage until Thursday night. You see, Tel Aviv’s sewage treatment system works amazingly well except for extremely rare events…. like whenever it rains a bit, and then a whole bunch of untreated sewage flows into the sea.

And that’s where the miracle happens. Sensing a violation of our sovereignty, the patriotic untreated sewage attacked the oil spill, forcing it to retreat toward Lebanon, which naturally submitted a UN resolution condemning Israel (OK, this part is actually true). Reaction from Israel’s streets was immediate.

“I always knew our poorly maintained municipal infrastructure would save us.” noted Yafo-based musician Assaf K. “Am Yisrael Chai.“

“This reminds us of the importance of not doing anything to fix our problems!” enthused Alert Local Ronit S. as she walked past a storm drain blocked by debris. “Imagine what would have happened to us if we had actually planned ahead?“

The Daily Freier looks forward to the Oil Spill writing an Op-Ed for Haaretz next week where it blames its departure from Israel on The Occupation.

Mossad

I think my Juice Guy killed the Iranian Scientist

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 12/2/2020 at 10:30 AM

Tehran: People all across Israel woke up to some disturbing news. The Iranian Government released photos of suspects in the untimely death of the Iranian Nuclear Scientist, and some of them look kinda familiar. The Daily Freier wandered around Tel Aviv pestering strangers until we got 250 words for this article.

First we stopped Assaf G. as he walked his dogs in Dizengoff Square.  “The heavy-set one with the helmet of hair? I think he was the Shputznik I called last year about the mold in my bathroom.” Assaf continued to stare at the photo. “Did the Iranians catch this guy? Because he still owes me money.“

“The angry looking one with the stubble? He drives the Number 5 Sherut.” explained local housewife Dafna. “He seems tough but he’s actually quite nice. I talked to him about the elections last year on my ride home from Dizengoff Center. He voted Meretz.“

Finally, the Daily Freier ran into our very own Emily Goldstein, who studied the photo of the man with the receding hairline and the beard for several minutes. “I think I dated him when I first made Aliyah.  He said he was in High-Tech but he picked me up on a scooter. He went home to Hadera every weekend with his laundry and came back Saturday night with 12 Tupperwares of his mom’s food for the week. He made me shakshuka once and acted like he invented the clock.“

In order to be helpful, the Daily Freier asked the Ayatollah if the police spotted any suspicious characters with tennis rackets or a woman with frosted tips and sidebangs.

Mossad

Top Al-Qaeda Operative killed in Iran while bingeing Fauda

By Josh Warhit

Last Updated 11/22/2020 at 3:30 PM

Tehran: Al-Qaeda’s second-in-command- Abdullah Ahmed Abdullah, also known as Abu Mohammed Al-Masri, met his demise in Tehran on August 7th when foreign agents gunned him down.

Published reports indicated that Al-Masri was actively planning attacks on Jewish targets, but a fax recording leaked by Israeli intelligence suggests that in the minutes leading up to his assassination, Al-Masri was watching the third season of Fauda.

Defense officials confirmed that Al-Masri can be heard arguing with fellow Al-Qaeda commanders:

“I know that it is our duty to submit Jews to the lowly dhimmi status they deserve, but to be honest all I care about is finding out whether or not Doron and Hila are gonna hook up later this season. Let me finish season 3, and then we can get back to killing Jews.”

The tape’s authenticity was immediately refuted by both Iran, which had been providing sanctuary for Al-Masri, and Al-Qaeda itself.

“Sure, Fauda is exciting, but the idea that al-Masri took a break from his most recent plan to kill Jews is preposterous.” claimed a masked spokesman on a TikTok video put out by Al-Qaeda’s central command, which has since been removed by the platform. “We are downright offended by the notion that we’d devote a mere 98% or 99% of our energies to killing Jews. We are in fact 100% committed.”

The recording was retrieved from the scene of al-Masri’s death, along with a laptop, five empty bags of BBQ-flavored Bisli, and a Cofix cup.

Mossad, Start Up Nation

This Week on “Tehran”: Iran hacks into the Mossad Fax Machine!

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 11/5/2020 at 2:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Israeli viewers are losing their minds over Channel 11’s amazing new Series “Tehran”, the story of a Mossad agent named Tamar who goes deep undercover in Iran and the Iranian Secret Police’s attempts to find her. In fact, Apple TV just bought the rights to distribute it worldwide! Start Up Nation in the House! Here at the Daily Freier we have been watching this show on the edge of our seats, so we were really excited about this week’s episode where the Iranians hack into the Mossad’s Fax machine in order to locate Tamar. The Daily Freier spent the morning wandering around Dizengoff Square discussing the episode with random people. (Spoiler Alert!)

“The series is just so realistic!” raved Adi, a yoga instructor. “When the Iranian Double Agent pretends to be Israeli but then he says ‘Sorry’ and blows his cover? Incredible.”

The Daily Freier then spoke to Alon, who was walking 12 dogs when we met up with him. “My favorite scene was where the Iranian hackers inside Mossad Headquarters lose Internet access at the very last minute because of Hot Mobile’s poor Customer Service. It just made me feel incredibly proud to be Israeli.“

“I really liked the scene where the Iranians are about to intercept an important fax.” explained Alert Local Ronit S. “But the machine runs out of paper because the office manager was on maternity leave and left the key to the supply cabinet at home!“

Tune in next week when the Iranians hack into Yair Netanyahu’s Twitter account and decide not to change a thing!