Last Updated 3/30/2017 at 3:00 AM
Tel Aviv, Bialik Square: With the Passover holiday only days away and preparations in full swing, Tel Aviv police executed a pre-dawn extraction operation, moving the giant carp that lives in the pool on Bialik Street to a place up in Ramat Aviv an undisclosed location. The move, dubbed “Operation EYN GEFILTE” serves to protect the well-being of a prominent citizen of Central Tel Aviv, Yoel the giant carp. The Daily Freier spoke with Yoel by Skype as he adjusted to his new circumstances.
Yoel explained his predicament. “I really like my neighborhood. The old city hall is gorgeously backlit at night. And the jasmine flowers in the summer time smell amazing. But right about now, things just aren’t OK. I’m starting to get a lot of unwanted attention. This Russian speaking lady comes by every day with her grandson. And the grandson really likes it and sometimes throws bread in, which is great. I mean, no complaints. But lately, the portions have gotten suspiciously bigger. And soaked in chicken fat. Also, yesterday as I snatched the breadcrumbs, she held a measuring stick up to me and then held it up against a metal 4 liter pot. And get this….the whole time, she never broke eye contact with me and never stopped smiling.”
Yoel continued. “There is another woman who always stops by after taking her kids to Gan. Quiet. Usually she just sits on the ledge and reads a book. But yesterday she sprinkled paprika and coriander into the water. And listen, I’m not paranoid. I mean, it’s not just me. Last week, one of the pigeons that stops by to snatch stray breadcrumbs told me that a Moroccan family moved into the building he nests on top of and now his friends keep disappearing.
Despite Yoel’s willingness to speak to the media about his fears, key questions remained unanswered. When asked the secret to how he was able to get so big, Yoel suddenly got very quiet. Also, we noticed that none of the other fish seemed to want to pass near him.
By Yekutiel Bornstein and Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 4/26/2016 at 3:00 PM
Tel Aviv, Bograshov: Local waitress Anat S. can’t quite pinpoint it, but something is different around town. Ever since she drove back from the big dinner at her parents’ house in Holon on Friday, some people have just been acting….weird. Anat sat down with the Daily Freier to share her observations.
“So a customer asked if we had pastries made without wheat flour. And I was like ‘You mean like gluten-free? Of course!‘ And I brought them out some gluten-free muffins. And the guy just stared at me. Like what’s his problem?”
Anat munched on a pita and shared another life event from this week. “I don’t know what it is. But I’m definitely feeling different vibes this week. Like two hours ago, these French tourists came in and asked me if we had a “hescher“. I said ‘I don’t know. Would you like to see if it’s on the menu?‘ And then they left. At first I thought that they were just being French. But then an English couple walked in and asked the same thing. And they were wearing those little things on their heads. So I handed them a menu and asked them to point to what they wanted. And they left too. Strange.”
Anat continued. “I pride myself in being observant. But I can’t figure out what’s different. I mean, Why is this week different from all other weeks?”
Finally, she gave up. “I guess I’ll just ask on Secret Tel Aviv”
(Photo Credit: Our Legal Department says that this idea came to us in a dream.)
(DISCLAIMER: We thought we had a totally original idea. Until the Buzzkills at ElderofZiyon said that Tikkun now has its own Haggadah. It’s getting harder and harder to satirize the Progressive Jewish Left.)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 4/24/2016 at 1:00 PM
Washington: With the completion of many a successful Passover Seder this year, the streets are buzzing with rave reviews for J-Street’s Haggadah. The Daily Freier wandered around Washington’s Food Co-Ops and Non-Profits until it got enough quotes to finish the article and go home to nap.
Code Pink web designer Moonwind Epstein enjoyed the Haggadah’s new look. “The old Haggadah just felt dated. Like it was 3,000 years old or something. So I really like the new Four Questions: “Why is this Iran Deal Better Than All Other Iran Deals?”
Saying that he “liked that there was a message“, Dylan Murray-Levinson-Smith, an intern at the New Israel Fund, extolled the new Haggadah’s educational aspect. “It’s been a long time since Hebrew School at the JCC, so it’s no surprise that I forgot that one of the plagues was named ‘Bibi.‘ Good times.”
Even though local dude “Max” knows “a lot” about Judaism, he too learned something new at his Second Night Seder. “The part where Moses gathers the Israelites and tells them that any entry into the Promised Land will first require “Justice for Jericho” and a “Right of Return for the Canaanites” just really moved me.”
While J-Street is proud of its Haggadah, it promises improvements for next year (not in Jerusalem!) to include addressing the “Root Causes” of Pharaoh’s grievances with the Israelites.
(Photo Credit: SNL)
By Lee Saunders
Last Updated 3/30/2016 at 1:20 PM
Tel Aviv: Police are looking into the strange appearance of a drunken man in downtown Tel Aviv claiming to be the prophet Elijah. With just three weeks to go to Passover, detectives are puzzled by the man apparently called Eliyahu, who seems to be off his head on Kedem wine.
“He was screaming that his father was Avi Koman and that he was the real deal but we have seen it all here.” pointed out Police Superintendent Nadav B. “One year, some guy was arrested inside a giant chocolate egg claiming to be Roger Rabbit. There is a lot of wine flowing this time of year and we have just finished Purim. It could be part of a long, lingering national hangover.”
What remains a mystery is that he was spotted going door to door near Rothschild Boulevard by Jehovah’s Witnesses (who initially thought he was one of their own) wearing only a white sheet from the Sheraton Hotel and hiking sandals. While the Jehovah’s Witnesses were busy pestering people spreading the good word outside the AM/PM Market, ‘Elijah’ was seen stumbling around front gardens, knocking stray cats off trash cans and pressed up against kitchen windows asking for extra eggs in salt water.
One neighbour on Sheinkin Street said: “It’s usually very gentrified around here. Occasionally you’d get a protest about the cost of soya milk, but there aren’t often disturbances. But this guy was screaming, ‘I’ll give you a plague of frogs, let me in, I’m Elijah! I’ve got locusts, crabs, everything.‘ Weird.”
After he started squeezing tomato ketchup packets onto doorposts, horrified locals called the police. Briefly questioned, he was then admitted to the rehabilitation ward at Ichilov hospital pending DNA tests. He is currently sharing a padded room next to a middle age man claiming to be a reincarnated Queen Esther, a pair of twins alleging they survived on Noah’s Ark, and a disciple threatening to spill the beans on the real Mary Magdalene.