Back in 2017, Sissi the Angry Rescue Dog taught us that using Secret Tel Aviv to get laid isn’t just for humans. Two years ago, a guy tried to find a “Missed Connection”. For his dog. Naturally we decided to troll him and yada yada yada, somehow ended up agreeing to help find Chaim, the Bashert of his beloved dog Sissi. Because Tikkun Olam.
Anyhoo, the Daily Freier wrote the most amazing story as we doggedly (Get it? Get it?) set out to help Sissi the anti-social Kalvah find Chaim the dog of her dreams.
Then the Magic of the Internets did its work. Chaim’s owner even chimed in and posted Chaim’s back-story. On Secret Tel Aviv, naturally. Everything was moving toward a real Shidduch.
So… they had quite a few dates. All seemed well. Tail wagging, sniffing of the important parts… and then one day Sissi was over him. Not sure what happened… maybe the age difference was too much. He had a lot of energy and she just wanted a calm life.
Then Sissi’s dads moved a couple of blocks down the road, but she’s so lazy that she won’t walk all the way to their old meeting place anymore.
“It started out so cool. I was just surfing Secret Tel Aviv, checking for apartments in the city, and you know, seeing if anybody might be selling their porn collection this week. And then, Bam! I saw her post and immediately responded. And she wrote back! I felt pretty good. I mean, I beat out 37 other Israeli guys who PM’d her within 7 minutes of the post going online. And unlike those idiots, at least I once used the same laundry service….. So we dated for a while. And then, you know how these things go, we each filed restraining orders with the police that forbid us from coming within 200 meters of one another…. I’m still almost positive that she poisoned my houseplants.”
Later that day the Daily Freier spoke with Lisa in a location that complied with all recent court orders. “So yeah, he was my Prince Charming. If Prince Charming was a 29-year-old two-timing sex addict who lived with his parents in Kfar Sabah.” Lisa continued. “The first night we hooked up we were at his parents’ house. But he had to work the next morning. So his Aunt and Uncle were driving into the city and drove me home. Some people have a walk of shame. I had a Car Pool of shame.”
Lisa then explained how happy her friends were for her at first. “After we started dating, one of my girlfriends thought that, hey, if it worked for me, it could work for her. So she also posted on Secret Tel Aviv with pictures of guy’s undergarments in her laundry. So some guy from London started corresponding back and forth with her. He seemed really nice. And, yada yada yada, the police in Finchley gave him an ASBO.”
Lisa explained the moment she realized that things were going wrong. “He kept leaving the room to check his phone. And them I found out he was also trolling Secret Jerusalem responding to a woman’s post that the Tallit Katan she found in her dry cleaning were actually his. What the hell? But I’m not finished….. So we went to his cousins’ kibbutz up north for a week. And he keeps “running into his ex”. Everyone knows each other there. Like, it’s not that big. And he thought he could hook up with two girls at the same time on a tiny kibbutz and keep it discreet? He can’t even keep track of the location of his underwear!”
In order to ensure that all sides had their say, the Daily Freier allowed Shlomi to respond to these allegations. “Sure the whole thing was definitely a Cinderella moment. If Cinderella had control issues and hated your friends…..And now she’s demanding full custody of our pet ferret Chris.”