Tag: Taylor Swift

Hezbollah

Iran Ambassador’s Top Ten Excuses for having Hezbollah Pager

Imagine our surprise when, Boom, the Iranian Ambassador’s pager blew up and took out one of his eyes yesterday (Dayenu!). Because it doesn’t even make sense. I mean, Hezbollah is an organic Lebanese Resistance Movement. So when Israel blew up its pagers, we were like, ‘Hey, why does Iran have one of Hezbollah’s pagers? They’re not Lebanese!’ But despite the lack of logic of it all, the Daily Freier has soldiered through and delivered you this Cornucopia of random ideas that ran through our head. So Behold: Iranian Ambassador  to Lebanon Mojtaba Amani’s Top Ten Excuses for having a Hezbollah pager.

1) I need Up-To-The-Minute Alerts about when Travis Kelce is going to propose to and/or break up with Taylor Swift

2) Sometimes they need an extra guy to make Minyan.

3) My wife took away my iPhone after she caught me in Mohammed El Kurd’s DM’s.

4) I was putting together an outfit for an 80’s Night.

5) Was listening to Biggie Smalls and just wanted to Keep It Real.

6) Kind of Obsessed with Nino Brown in New Jack City right now.

7) I was getting easily distracted by the Snake game on my 2001 Nokia phone.

8) Threw away my Samsung Galaxy because Robert Malley kept sexting me.

9) The Ayatollah chastised me for my old phone’s Matisyahu ringtone.

10) I am part of a criminal regime that has taken over  Yemen, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon in order to fight Israel to the last Arab.

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Dating and Relationships, Secret Tel Aviv

Daily Freier forced to retract story about guy who uses the missile attacks to try to get laid on Secret Tel Aviv after guy uses the missile attacks to try to get laid on Secret Tel Aviv

By Emily Goldstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 10/28/23 at 1:20 PM

Tel Aviv: The Daily Freier has run afoul of journalistic standards and now faces public censure. What started as a fanciful satirical vignette about “a guy who goes on the popular local Facebook group ‘Secret Tel Aviv’ during wartime in order to get some action” has descended into an object lesson in journalistic malpractice. You see, had the Daily Freier bothered to check the Internets and the Googles this morning, we would have noticed “a guy who goes on the popular local Facebook group ‘Secret Tel Aviv’ during wartime in order to get some action”. Something like this has never happened to us in the 9-year history of our newspaper. Except that time. Also that time. And that other time.

The Daily Freier tracked down our editor Yuval Weiss about this scandal as he walked to synagogue and tried to claim that he couldn’t comment “because it’s Shabbat.” Mr. Weiss reminded us that trying to get laid on Secret Tel Aviv during a crisis was popularized during Corona and that this was not a big deal. Then he told us to go away.

On the Bright Side, it’s 2014 again in the Daily Freier’s collective mind: Hamas is shooting missiles at us, Taylor Swift is dating someone exciting, and Secret Tel Aviv is delightfully weird after becoming annoyingly basic for a while. Keep it up Jonny!

 

 

 

Quiz: Is it a Peter Beinart Op-Ed or Taylor Swift Breakup Song? Israellycool
BDS, Israellycool, Peter Beinart, Tikkun Olam

Quiz: Is it a Peter Beinart Op-Ed or Taylor Swift Breakup Song?

Sometimes it’s hard to keep track of whether you are reading Peter Beinart’s latest impassioned critique of the Jewish State or Taylor Swift’s latest breakup song. Like, it’s an honest mistake. One of them is moody, self-absorbed, and uses the pen to lash out at perceived betrayals when a relationship ends…… And the other one used to date a Jonas Brother.  But anyhoo, we thought we would quiz the loyal readers of Israellycool. Good luck!

(The Daily Freier wrote this on Israellycool. Go check it out and take the Quiz!)