Category: Israellycool

Somebody translated the Freier’s piece from Israellycool into German!

Juden auf dem Tempelberg fühlen sich verloren ohne Eskorte durch die Waqf

Jüdische Besucher auf dem Tempelberg befinden sich in einem Zustand der Verwirrung. Ihrer traditionellen Eskorten der muslimischen Waqf beraubt, wandern die Juden ziellos umher, der Geborgenheit eines Pulks aus wütenden Männdern beraubt, die sie anbrüllen, sie sollten nicht beten. Die Waqf, von unseren Freunden aus Jordanien eingestellt, hält normalerweise ein waches Auge auf das gefährliche Handeln von Juden, die beten (Waffenschmuggler stoppen? Nicht so sehr.). Doch die Waqf befindet sich seit der Installierung von Metalldetektoren durch Israel im Streik, weil diese eine völlig unprovozierte Verletzung des „Status quo“ aus keinem guten Grund, außer dass – wie letzten Freitag – drei Araber Schusswaffen auf den Tempelberg schmuggelten und sie dazu verwandten israelische Polizisten zu ermorden. Der Daily Freier sprach mit einem erregten Waqf-Sprecher namens Fares, der am Löwentor stand.

„Das ist ungerecht! Metalldetektoren an einer muslimischen heiligen Stätte? Das ist noch nie da gewesen. Außer wie, Sie wissen schon, in Mekka. Abgesehen davon: Wenn die Zionisten Metalldetektoren installieren, wie sollen wir dann unsere Schusswaffen schmuggeln?“

Derweil verurteilte auch der „israelisch“-arabische Politiker Ayman Odeh Israels Reaktion. Odeh, der Hanin Zoabi ziemlich ähnlich ist, außer dass er nicht so interessant ist, warnte, dass Israels Tun zu einer weiteren Intifada führen könnte. Denn wissen Sie, die ersten zwei Intifadas sind für die Palästinenser richtig gut gelaufen.

Egal, die jüdischen Besucher sind etwas verloren ohne die hilfreiche Einschüchterung durch die Waqf.

„Ich weiß einfach nicht, was ich tun soll!“, beschwerte sich ein desorienterter Mann namens Noam. „Wie soll ich den heiligsten Ort meiner Religion genießen, ohne dass irgendein jordanischer Schreihals mir Befehle zukläfft?“

„Das fühlt sich einfach nicht richtig an“, seufzte eine besorgte Frau namens Deborah. „Das ist alles so eigenartig. Niemand krakeelt mir ins Ohr oder fuchtelt vor mir mit einem Buch. Ich fühle mich nicht sicher.“

Trotz der schlechten Stimmung schaffte der Daily Freier es ein wenig Glücksgefühle zu finden, weil gerade ein jüdisches Paar, das ankam um auf dem Tempelberg zu heiraten. Inspiriert von der heimlichen Hochzeit in der letzten Woche bereitete sich ein Dati-Leumi-Paar (religiös-zionistisches Paar) sich umgeben von einem Dutzend fröhlicher Gäste auf seine Zeremonie vor.

Eine aufgeregte Esther teilte ihre Geschichte dem Daily Freier mit. „Avi sagte immer, das er total gerne auf heiraten wüde, aber dass wir warten sollten, bis wir es auf den Tempelberg tun können. Wir haben so lange gewartet, aber jetzt werden wir heiraten!!! Ich dachte schon, dieser Tag würde niemals kommen!“

Esther warf Avi einen kurzen Blick zu und fuhr fort: „All die Mädchen aus Sem haben dese A-Ma-Zing-Hochzeitsgeschichten. Aber raten Sie mal: Meine Geschichte wird besser sein! Har Ha Bayt! Wie möchtest du deine Äpfel haben, Miriam? Eine Hochzeit auf dem Kinneret [See Genezareth], Shayna? Das ist nett, glaube ich. Aber tut mir leid, ich kann euch über den Lärm darüber, wie fantastisch meine Hochzeit sein wird, nicht hören!“

Ein inzwischen schwitzender Avi warf ein: „Vielleicht sollten wir auf Nummer sicher gehen, wissen Sie, auf eine Erklärung von König Abdallah im Verlauf dieser Woche warten. Immerhin können wir nicht ZU vorsichtig sein.“

Esther warf Avi eine Blick zu und fuhr fort: „Avi und ich sind so aufgeregt! Nichts kann diesen besonderen Moment verderben. Nichts!“

Avi starrte in die ferne Zukunt! Und gab uns dann ihr iPhone. „Hey, könnt ihr ein Bild von uns machen? Ich möchte es an OnlySimchas schicken!“

Trotz der Abwesenheit der Waqf, um den Juden zu helfen ihren heiligsten Ort zu begreifen, fanden unsere Freunde aus Jordanien andere Wege uns entgegenzukommen… indem sie im Unterhaus ihres Parlaments eine Schweigeminute für die Mörder abhielten (Das ADHS des Daily Freiers muss zu wirken angefangen haben, denn wir ihre Schweigeminute für die von drei israelischen Arabern vorübergehenden Einwohnern Kanaans mit israelischen Personalausweisen aus Um el-Fahm in den Rücken geschossenen drusischen Polizisten verpassten). Der jordanische Parlamentspräsident erklärte:

„Wir ziehen solche dummen Nummer ab, weil wir wissen, dass ihr wisst, dass egal, wie widerlich wir agieren, was immer das haschemitische Königreich ersetzt, wäre viel, viel schlimmer. Also danke, dass ihr unseren kleinkarierten Schwachsinn hinnehmt. Und ein dickes Lob an die IDF, das sie weiter unser uraltes Königreich stützt, das vor 95 Jahren mit einer Familientransplantation aus Mekka begann, die einen kleinen Handel mit den Briten schloss, die Osmanen reinlegte und von den Saudis rausgeworfen wurde. Noch einmal: So sehr zum Kotzen wir auch sind, wer immer von uns übernimmt, wird noch mehr zum Kotzen sein. Bitte entschuldigen Sie, dass wir eine Party für einen jordanischen Soldaten schmeißen, der 1997 jüdische Schulmädchen auf einem Klassenausflug ermrodete.“

BREAKING: Inventors of the Suicide Bomb Dislike Metal Detectors

There is a story sending shock waves throughout the International Community today. Specifically, it appears that the folks who brought us the airline hijacking and the suicide bomber……. you may want to sit down for this one …….. well it appears that they really dislike metal detectors. Once again, the people who brought us the Munich Olympics massacre, the Entebbe Hijacking, and the Sbarro bombing……. are violently opposed to measures that may have prevented……. the Munich Olympics massacre, the Entebbe Hijacking, and the Sbarro bombing. The Daily Freier wandered around Jerusalem trying to make sense of it all.

(The Daily Freier is published on Israellycool today. Check it out!)

Jews on Temple Mount Feeling Lost and Confused Without Wakf Escorts

Daily Freier Israellycool Temple Mount(This story was first published on Israellycool)

By Yuval Weiss

Jewish visitors to the Temple Mount are in a state of confusion and disarray. Robbed of their traditional escorts from the Muslim Wakf, the Jews wander aimlessly, bereft of the comfort of a bunch of angry men yelling at them not to pray. The Wakf, employed by our friends the Jordanians, normally keep a sharp eye out for the dangerous act of Jews praying (Stopping gun smugglers? Not so much). However, the Wakf has been on strike ever since Israel installed metal detectors, which was a totally unprovoked violation of the “status quo” for no good reason except, like, last Friday three Arabs smuggled guns onto the Temple Mount and used them to murder Israeli policemen. The Daily Freier spoke with an impassioned Wakf spokesman named Fares as he stood by the Lion’s Gate.

“This is an injustice! Metal detectors at a Muslim Holy site? This is unprecedented. Except, like, you know, at Mecca. Besides, If the Zionists install metal detectors, how are we supposed to smuggle our guns?”

Meanwhile, “Israeli” Arab politician Ayman Odeh also denounced Israel’s response. Odeh, who is a lot like Hanin Zoabi except not as interesting, warned that Israel’s actions may lead to another Intifada. Because, you know, the first two Intifadas worked out so well for the Palestinians.

Anyhoo, the Jewish visitors are a bit lost without the Wakf’s helpful hectoring.

“I just don’t know what to do!” complained a disoriented guy named Noam. “How am I supposed to enjoy the Holiest site in my religion without some Jordanian hack barking orders at me?”

“This just doesn’t feel right.” sighed a concerned woman named Devorah. “It’s all so strange. Nobody is chanting in my ear or waving a book at me. I don’t feel safe.”

The poor morale notwithstanding, the Daily Freier managed to find a little happiness, as a Jewish couple had just arrived in order to get married on the Temple Mount. Inspired by last week’s secret wedding there, a Dati Leumi (religious-Zionist) couple named Esther and Avi prepared for their ceremony, surrounded by a dozen happy guests.

An excited Esther shared her story with the Daily Freier “Avi always said that he really really wants to get married but that we should wait until we can do it on the Temple Mount. We have waited so long but now we are going to get married!!! I thought this day would never come!”

“Neither did I” shared a visibly distraught and distracted Avi.

Esther shot a glance at Avi and continued. “All of the girls from Sem have these A-Ma-Zing wedding stories. But guess what? My story is going to be better! Har Ha Bayt! How do you like them apples Miriam? A wedding on the Kinneret, Shayna? That’s nice I guess. But I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome my wedding is going to be!”

A now-sweating Avi interjected. “Maybe we should play it safe, you know, wait for a statement from King Abdullah later this week. After all, we can never be TOO careful.”

Esther glanced at Avi again and continued. “Avi and I are so excited! Nothing can spoil this special moment. Nothing!”

Avi peered into the far distance. “Wait, is that the Wakf police walking toward us?” he asked in a strangely hopeful tone of voice.

Esther stared at Avi and then handed us her iPhone. “Hey can you take a picture of us? I want to send it to OnlySimchas!”

Despite the absence of the Wakf to help Jews better understand their holiest site, our friends the Jordanians found other ways to reach out…..by holding a moment of silence for the killers in their Lower house of Parliament (The Daily Freier’s ADHD must be kicking in because we missed their moment of silence for the Druze police officers shot in the back by the three Israeli Arabs Temporary-Residents-of-Canaan-with-Israeli-ID-Cards from Umm El Fahm). The speaker of the Jordanian Parliament explained:

“We pull off stupid stunts like this because We Know that You Know that no matter how obnoxious we act, whatever replaces the Hashemite Kingdom would be far, far worse. So thanks for putting up with our petty bullshit. And big shout-out to the IDF for continuing to prop up our ancient kingdom that was started 95 years ago by a family of transplants from Mecca who cut a side deal with the British, screwed over the Ottomans, and got kicked out by the Saudis.  Again, as much as we suck, whoever takes over from us will suck more. Please excuse us while we throw a party for a Jordanian soldier who murdered Jewish schoolgirls on a field trip in 1997.

So How Do You Fake a Hunger Strike During Ramadan? Asking for a friend.

So How Do You Fake a Hunger Strike During Ramadan?By Marwan Barghouti

May 27, 2017

Hey gang! Big Marwan over here, and welcome to “Blogging with Barghouti“! Coming to you from the belly of the beast in the Zionist Entity’s biggest, baddest, most inhumane jail. The jail that STILL does not comply with our inalienable rights to 20 TV channels, cell phones and unlimited magazines (No. Really. that’s our demand!) Which is why we are still conducting our steadfast and honorable hunger strike.

(The Daily Freier is over at Israellycool today. Check it out with this link!)

Hey Dad? Next Yom Kippur Can I Fast “Marwan Barghouti Style?”

Today Jews worldwide are asking their parents, therapists, significant others, rabbis, and spouses whether it would be possible to observe this year’s Yom Kippur” Marwan Barghouti style”: by pretending to refuse to eat, but then secretly eating.

Palestinian prisoner Marwan Barghouti has been described as a leading proponent of non-violent resistance, except, you know, he sort of like ordered the killing of a whole bunch of people and stuff. Anyhoo, Marwan has been leading a Hunger Strike among Palestinian prisoners, but with a really cool twist: he ate candy bars while sitting on his prison toilet when nobody was looking. And he would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those pesky meddling Jews who filmed him in the act of chowing down.

The Daily Freier wanted to learn more about this hot trend of “No Hunger-Hunger Strikes” so we hit the streets of Tel Aviv to speak with real Israelis as soon as they finished walking their dogs, reading Ha’aretz, smoking spliffs, and drinking cafe hafuch.

First the Daily Freier spoke with its very own Lee Saunders to get a proper British take. “I’m quite excited. I’ve literally already planned out my fast for this year….So I won’t eat anything from 8 in the morning until around 11. And then, BAM!, I sneak off to the loo and eat some Jaffa cakes. Brilliant!

While the Daily Freier was interviewing Lee in a cafe near Gan Meir, we ran into alert local Ronit S. who overheard our conversation and enthusiastically shared her plans for the Day of Atonement. “So I will do Yom Kippur with my parents in Holon. And in the morning I will eat nothing at all, then in the afternoon I take a walk in the forest and eat the falafel that I stashed there the night before!” Ronit thought for a moment and stared into space. “Actually I think this is how my last diet worked.”

The Daily Freier then spoke with local philosopher Tzvi H. as he played ping-pong in Gan Meir. And we asked him a very challenging question: “With Mr. Barghouti’s revolutionary redefinition of not eating, can we as Jews approach Yom Kippur in a similar fashion?” Tzvi thought for a moment. “You pose an interesting question. For how do we now approach not eating when you have the option of enjoying delicious Tortit Brand chocolate bars?” Tzvi shuffled with some papers in his backpack. “Hang on a second, I have other questions about Yom Kippur. Like, I’ve read all of Peter Beinart’s Op-Ed’s this year. Have I suffered enough to get an exemption from fasting?

Finally, the Daily Freier walked over to the local Rabbanut to get a theological perspective on this new approach to not-eating-while-eating. So we entered the building and asked the first Rabbi we saw: “Can we do a ‘Barghouti’ Yom Kippur? You know, with snacks?” The Rabbi thought for a moment, scratched his beard, consulted a dusty book written in Yiddish, and replied “Sounds like Reform Judaism.

 

New York Times Exclusive: An Op-Ed by Singer-Songwriter Charles Manson

(NOTE: This is word-for-word Marwan Bargouti’s Op-Ed in the New York Times. Words eliminated are struck through. Words added are in Bold Italics.)

HADARIM PRISON, Israel Corcoran Prison, California— Having spent the last 15 47 years in an Israeli Amerikan prison, I have been both a witness to and a victim of Israel’s Amerikas illegal system of mass arbitrary arrests and ill-treatment of Palestinian prisoners the people, man. The people. After exhausting all other options, I decided there was no choice but to resist these abuses by going on a hunger strike.

(The Daily Freier wrote this on Israellycool today. Go check out the whole story and their site!)

Quiz: Is it a Peter Beinart Op-Ed or Taylor Swift Breakup Song?

Sometimes it’s hard to keep track of whether you are reading Peter Beinart’s latest impassioned critique of the Jewish State or Taylor Swift’s latest breakup song. Like, it’s an honest mistake. One of them is moody, self-absorbed, and uses the pen to lash out at perceived betrayals when a relationship ends…… And the other one used to date a Jonas Brother.  But anyhoo, we thought we would quiz the loyal readers of Israellycool. Good luck!

(The Daily Freier wrote this on Israellycool. Go check it out and take the Quiz!)

 

 

Critics fear Trump Mid-East Policy may cause renewed outbreak of Thomas Friedman

screen shot 2019-01-05 at 12.30.04 pm(We originally published this story on Israellycool in 2017)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/27/2017 at 12:30 PM

Washington: With the Trump Administration’s controversial new Middle Eastern policy of not being Iran’s bitch renewed skepticism toward traditional adversaries and not telling allies where their nation’s capital is, critics fear that if things don’t change quickly, the region may face a renewed outbreak of Thomas Friedman.

Noted author, New York Times columnist, and pundit Thomas Friedman, who had something relevant to say as recently as Bill Clinton’s second term, is somewhat of a worst-case scenario, involving baklava anecdotes, talking to the audience on Face the Nation like he’s talking to a somewhat slow four-year old, and the inevitable name-dropping reference to the late King Hussein of Jordan. The Daily Freier spoke off the record with several Inside-the-Beltway experts about their fears.

The Administration really needs to tone it down.” explained a career diplomat from a Western European nation currently stationed in Washington. “The moment Trump announced that he might move the Embassy, I was like ‘Oh boy. It’s only a matter of time before Thomas Friedman makes some goofy metaphor involving Shimon Peres, the New England Patriots, and his latest Uber Driver.’ I just wish Trump’s team would be more cautious. We’re dealing with serious stuff.”

Do those guys want Friedman to write another sequel to the Lexus and the Olive Tree???” admonished a retired Army Officer from his Northern Virginia home. “Because this is how we get another sequel to the Lexus and the Olive Tree.

Brookings is having a free lecture tomorrow that’s open to the public.” explained a prominent Congressman from the West Coast. “But I’m afraid to attend. Because we are like THIS close to Thomas Friedman entering an out of control vortex where he somehow strings together his Beirut landlord in the early 80’s, the new iPhone, and Anwar Sadat’s eye doctor.

The Daily Freier is currently working on a drinking game involving Mr. Friedman’s inevitable lecture tour on this fascinating subject.

 

Peter Beinart’s Bible Study

Scene: Hebron, 1800 B.C.E

Abraham: Oy vey ist mir! My beloved Sarah has died! Efron the Hittite, please let me bury my wife here.

Efron the Hittite: Fine, fine. Pick a cave. Mi cave es su cave.

Abraham: Efron, you are a real tzadik. But let me drop some shekels on you. How does 400 silver sound?

Efron: plus VAT?

Abraham: Yeah sure, plus VAT. Also, maybe we could cut a deal on recurring maintenance and….

(A stranger approaches)

Abraham: Can we help you?

Stranger: So that’s it? You think you can justify the Occupation with a few shekels?

Abraham: Sorry, but who the hell are you?

Stranger: I am Peter the Beinart. And you need to check your privilege.

(THE FREIER GUEST WROTE THIS STORY OVER ON ISRAELLYCOOL. CHECK IT OUT!)

Peter Beinart Criticizes Israel For Its Lack of Interest in Peter Beinart

Peter Beinart Criticizes Israel For Its Lack of Interest in Peter Beinart

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/15/2016 at 1:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: Peter Beinart, the conscience of modern Progressive Judaism and all around Liberal Zionist Bad Boy, is not too thrilled with the choices that Israel has been making lately. And he’s not afraid to tell us. In fact, Pete is currently quite cross with us for ignoring his amazingly prescient advice about the Peace Process, to the extent that he now takes press junkets to Judea and Samaria with J-Street in order to pester goats.  His powerful voice has hit Israel like a bombshell, compelling everyday Israelis to stop what they’re doing and ask themselves “Just who does Peter Beinart think he is? No, Really. We’re kinda drawing a blank right now. Who is he again?

(The Daily Freier Appears on Israellycool Today! Stop by and Check it Out!)