Category: Israellycool

Israellycool, Judaism, Tikkun Olam

Michael Chabon revisits the story of Abraham

[SCENE: Midnight in a dark storage room, Ur of the Chaldeans, 1800 B.C.E. A young man smashes idols on the ground. Suddenly, a stranger appears.]

Stranger: Hey bro, what are you doing?

Young man: I am Abram, son of Terah. And these idols are a Chillul HaShem. They must be destroyed.

Stranger: Your cultural insensitivity toward this indigenous folk art is most depressing. By destroying these idols, you are actually building Ghetto Walls of Jewish Exclusivity. I suppose you also want to marry a Jewish woman, and build your very own endogamous ghetto for two (Not-Satire Alert: He Really Really Said this about marrying a Jew.)

Abram: How do these idiots keep finding me?

(The Freier is posted on Israellycool today. Check us out!)

Israellycool

Mocking Nike? We Just Did It!

This week, Nike showed just how #Woke they are by making an ad starring this guy named Colin Kapaernik who people say once actually played football (we’ve found no proof). Anyhoo, the Daily Freier is not about to let a mere Gazillion Dollar Sneaker Company Out-Woke us.

(We’re over at Israellycool today. Check it out!)

BDS, Israellycool

Natalie Portman’s new film set in a Parallel Universe where Natalie Portman doesn’t say dumb sh*t

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/4/2018 at 2:15 PM

Hollywood: Critics and audiences are raving about the new Sci-Fi hit starring Natalie Portman. The Film titled “Being De-Woked“, is set in a reality where Natalie Portman does not feel the need to constantly make statements about current events that make Snooki sound like Margaret Thatcher. In the film, the Israeli Government notices that Hollyweird is turning Natalie dangerously “Woke“,  so they dispatch a crack team of time-traveling Frechot Commandos (names: Maytal, Maygal, Roni, Meirav, Moran, and Stav) to find Natalie in the year 2008, kidnap her, and bring her to a secret Mossad laboratory in the Mojave Desert where she undergoes a controversial “De-Wokeification” process, thus preventing the current reality of a “Woke” Natalie from ever taking place. (Spoiler Alert: the mission is almost compromised when Roni diverts the Time Machine so she can visit the Duty-Free at LAX).

(We’re published over on Israellycool today. Check us out!)

Israellycool, Labour Party, The Jooz

Play George Galloway/Ken Livingstone Bingo!

With the upcoming Liverpool stage show of George Galloway and Red Ken Livingstone, we at Israellycool and the Daily Freier are positively giddy with anticipation. But what kind of drinking game will we play, you ask? Well fear not, for we have the “Gorgeous George/Red Ken Bingo” game! How do you play? First, pour yourself a stiff drink. Gather four friends. Then print out the cards below. Then drink again. Then start watching George and Ken talk shop! Then drink again. And start marking off your boxes. And drink again. Whoever gets 5 in a row first, Wins!

WARNING: If Ken and George start making sense, you need to stop drinking.

Have Fun!

(Here’s one of your Bingo Cards. Get the rest over at Israellycool today!)

Barack Obama, Israellycool

Obama wins 2nd Nobel Prize for creating the Israeli-Saudi alliance

Oslo: The International Community is positively giddy with the news that Former President Barack Obama is to receive his SECOND Nobel Peace Prize! Nobel Committee spokesperson Lars Olaf addressed the assembled news media earlier today.

“The Nobel Committee is proud to award this year’s prize to Barack Obama for his steadfast work uniting former enemies in the belief that his policies posed a clear and present danger to their respective nations. Mr. Obama’s Iran Policy has managed to bring Israel into a de-facto alliance with Saudi Arabia, Egypt, and the United Arab Emirates. Ten years ago, this would be unthinkable!”

The electrified crowd burst into applause when Mr. Obama strode into the room to accept his prize. “Please excuse my lateness, I was leading from behind…Then again, we are the one we’ve been waiting for.”

(The Daily Freier is published over at Israellycool today. Go check it out!)

Hamas, Israellycool

But Mr. Haniyeh, Why is My Bus Ticket to the March of Return Only One-Way?

Mr. Haniyeh, it is a great honor to join you in the heroic struggle to end the Occupation of Gaza! We will drive the Jews out of Gaza….. Wait. They all left in 2005? But we are still Occupied! Because!

But our struggle is not just about the Occupation. It is about breaking down the Walls that separate Gaza from the World! Wait. We border the largest nation in the Arab World, and they say that we are Brothers!

(The Daily Freier is published on Israellycool today. Check us out!)

 

Israellycool, The Jooz, Tikkun Olam

As a Lefty Jew, How Do I Feel About Farrakhan? Hey Look! A Squirrel!

As a Progressive Jew, Am I Okay with Farrakhan’s speeches where he says that Jews are “Satanic”? Can we change the subject? Because to be honest, I would rather talk about something that doesn’t challenge my worldview. How about right-wing antisemitism? Wouldn’t you rather talk about right-wing antisemitism? That’s much more interesting than Linda Sarsour and Tamika Mallory defending Farrakhan.

(The Daily Freier is published on Israellycool today. Check us out!)

Israellycool, Linda Sarsour

I Don’t Hate Jews, I’m Just anti-Zioni…..Aww Screw It. Go Farrakhan!

Hey there #Woke People! Linda Sarsour and Tamika Mallory here and we are about to drop some knowledge on you! So have a seat and grab a coffee: it’s about to get Intersectional up in here! First off, we are about tired of certain folks out there saying we have a beef with Jews. That is just a Big Lie being pushed by a bunch of Likudniks drinking the Haterade! The real deal? We oppose Israel’s unjust and illegi…… OMG OMG! Is that Louis Farrakhan??? Giant FanGirl moment, know what I’m saying? Do you think we can get a selfie with the Minister? I mean, like, another one.

(The Daily Freier is published over at Israellycool today. Check us out!)

 

Israellycool

The Daily Freier Helps Reem Assil Choose a Mural for Her New Restaurant

From the Office of the Daily Freier

Central Bus Station, 4th Floor

Occupied Yafa, Tel Aviv
The Zionist Entity Israel

Yo Reem!

On behalf of the Daily Freier and Israellycool, congrats on your new restaurant! Not to get too East Bay, but Hella Proud, know what I’m sayin’? Anyhoo, you know what every restaurant needs?

A gigantic pepper shaker? No.

Extra pumpkin spice? No & No.

A big mural of an “Activist” like Rasmea Odeh? Yass Queen!

And if we’re going to ‘normalize struggle’ (Your words!), why stop with Rasmea? Let’s bring in more members of the Resistance! And in the interest of caring, we decided to help you come up with a great idea for a mural!

(The Daily Freier wrote this over on Israellycool. Check out the whole article here!)

Israellycool, John Forbes Kerry

Iran Names its Newest Ballistic Missile in Honor of Ben Rhodes

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/17/2017 at 3:00 PM

Tehran- The Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps was giddy with anticipation today as they waited for Iran’s Supreme Leader to unveil their newest weapon system to the public. As crowds waited at the bi-weekly “Death to America/Death to Israel Military Parade and Children’s Puppet Show”, the Ayatollah Khameini removed a giant tarp to reveal Iran’s newest missile: the “Ben Rhodes”. Named in honor of the most clever former aspiring novelist to ever serve as a National Security Advisor to Barack Obama, the “Ben Rhodes” is an impressive weapon indeed. The Ayatollah Khameini explained the reasoning behind the name to the press.

“In our culture, it is important to show gratitude. So it only seemed fair to name this great missile after the man who helped make it all possible. Of course, he had some help. So honestly, coming up with just one name was a bit tough.” Khameini then shared a fascinating tidbit of inside information. “You know, at first we voted to name the missile after John Kerry, but then we voted against it.”

The Ayatollah then went on to explain the rigorous testing that the missile went through, to include tests in a specially constructed Echo Chamber. “This missile took a lot of work. But it’s funny how everything worked out in the end: the Iran Deal, our unfrozen assets, America “Leading from Behind”. Yes it is all quite funny. But not as funny as Ben Rhodes being named to the Board of the Holocaust Museum in Washington.”

When pressed for future reveals from Iran’s arsenal, the Ayatollah let slip that the Revolutionary Guard would soon unleash their new decoy drone, the “Obama”. The Ayatollah then explained the drone’s unique capabilities. “The Obama looks like a formidable missile and sports a gigantic Red Line along its base. It will launch with a very loud bang but then wander aimlessly around the sky emitting a high pitch whining noise without ever reaching its intended target. Oh, and it costs $400 Million Dollars.”

(This story first appeared on Israellycool in 2017)