Category: The Jooz

Chanukah, The Jooz

Tucker Carlson Tells the Story of Chanukah
באנו טאקר לגרש

In the coming days we will be informed that we need to celebrate a certain Holiday. A holiday called “Chanukah”. Spinning tops, fried food, some presents. What’s not to like? And that’s EXACTLY how the people who packaged this so-called Holiday want you to think. Because their Greatest Fear is that YOU, the American People, will “peek behind the curtain.” Start asking Questions. Start doing your OWN research about what ACTUALLY happens BEHIND the scenes at the Chanukah Lobby. And that FEAR on their part tells you more than any slickly produced Infomercial about “The Festival of Lights”. So let’s look at the facts.

There’s a King named Antiochus. A Strong Leader from Syria that some Jews don’t like. Sound familiar? What EVIL plots does this man Antiochus want to hatch upon the Jews? War? Famine? Genocide??? No, Antiochus wants to encourage physical fitness in Greek Gymnasiums. Some of the people there exercise naked. Not my idea of a Saturday night, but what do I know? But this offends some powerful Jews. And these powerful Jews with names like “Mattathias” and “Judah Maccabee” don’t like being offended. 

So how do these easily offended Jewish powerbrokers react? Do they call for dialogue? Do they look for common ground? No, they embark on another Israel-inspired regime change war in the Middle East. They don’t claim to have a Mandate to pursue this war… and No Honest person suggests they COULD get one. Because the people who actually WANTED this war never actually admitted their true agenda: Ending Religious Pluralism in the Holy Land. No longer can you sacrifice a pig in the “Holy of the Holies”. But why not? Was there a vote that I missed? No, because that would have exposed the TOTAL UNWILLINGNESS of the people PUSHING this war to find a peaceful solution. They knew they could not win the debate honestly. So they changed the premise. Now we’re talking about armored Syrian war elephants. WAR ELEPHANTS!!! It would be absurd if wasn’t so serious.

But that’s the Agenda that was forced upon us by an unaccountable cabal of powerful forces. So how do they justify this power grab? They find some oil. And that oil lasts a really long time apparently. I mean, Case Closed, right?

This weekend when you’re “chowing down” on a jelly doughnut you need to ask yourself: “Who wants me to eat this doughnut? And why do they so DESPERATELY want me to eat it without asking questions?”

Tune in next week when I explore healthy Middle Eastern diets by tossing The Emir of Qatar’s salad.

The Jooz

The Story of Sukkot, by Tucker Carlson

Today we are going to look at a Holiday that we THINK we know about. A Holiday that (((they))) they TELL us is about the Fall Harvest and the Exodus from Egypt. Sounds nice, doesn’t it? Families sitting down together, good food, maybe a little wine. But what’s going on beneath the surface? Most Americans have no IDEA about the ACTUAL intention of this so-called festival, and they would be com-PLETE-ly shocked if they were ever allowed to see the real picture.  Because we are not allowed to question Sukkot in any way. Full Stop. Journalists who ask too many questions about Sukkot are warned, quietly at first, to back off. Then they’re warned not-so-quietly. It’s hard to overstate just how BADLY that certain forces do NOT want us talking about “Sukkot”. AT ALL. What they’re worried about is that someone somewhere will begin asking questions. Questions that they DESPERATELY don’t want to answer. But today, WE are asking the questions. And we want answers.

Certain Powerful Lobbies tell us with a straight face that this so-called Sukkah is just a booth in a field. But why is there only three walls? What did they do with the other wall? I MYSELF find it interesting that this wall is missing, don’t you? What did they do with the other wall? Was it asking too many questions about Bibi Netanyahu?  Did it criticize AIPAC? Again, I’m only asking questions. Questions that some forces find extremely uncomfortable.

In addition, Americans have grown so accustomed to being lied to that they don’t even QUESTION a fruit that looks like a bizarre giant lemon with bad acne. They tell you it’s an “Etrog”. But do you really believe them? What happened to the regular lemons? Did they just “GO AWAY” one day? Or were they told to go away if they knew what’s good for them? These are the kinds of open psychological operations that THEY are currently conducting on YOU. Like the Lulav. It’s a palm frond wrapped with willow. THAT’S a little strange, isn’t it? But then they point it in every direction. Almost like they’re showing you all of the places under their influence. Again, you’re not supposed to have any questions about this.

There is so much more to share with you about this disturbing “Holiday”, but Qatar’s weekly check hasn’t cleared yet and my next fishing cabin in Montana isn’t going to just purchase itself. Tune in next week when we go behind the scenes at a Matzoh factory and discover their secret ingredient.

 

 

 

 

 

The Jooz

Checkmate: Michael Moore says Protesters can’t be Anti-Semitic ‘because Palestinians are Semites’

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1 May 2024 at 4:45 PM

Atlanta: Yesterday noted filmmaker/pundit/author/dick Michael Moore stopped the Pro-Israel movement dead in its tracks with one brilliant quip. While discussing the ongoing Campus Illegal Occupation Protests on CNN, Moore told Kaitlan Collins that the Campus Protesters can’t possibly be Anti-Semitic because…. and you may want to sit down for this Verbal Judo Move…. the Palestinians are Semites. Yes that’s right, a term invented by 19th Century German politician Wilhelm Marr to specifically describe his pseudo-scientific hatred of Jews now applies to Palestinians. Because reasons. Advocates for Israel were quick to surrender to Mr. Moore’s highly original thesis.

“I cannot counter this brand new argument that I have never heard until today.” lamented a despondent David Lange. “I was going to try to argue that Bernard Lewis destroyed this concept in the 1970’s. But who are you going to believe, some nobody who taught Islamic History for 50 years at Princeton or the Artistic Genius who directed Sicko?”

“My Life’s work is meaningless.” noted a mournful Brian of London. “So many years of advocacy were destroyed today by this brilliant logical truism that…. and I can’t stress this point enough… was never advanced by anybody until Michael Moore did so today.”

Yet not everyone in the Pro-Israel Community was convinced. “OK that’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard in weeks.” chortled Canadian Metis activist Ryan Bellerose. “I wonder which one of his 9 houses that this Man of the People was staying in when he did the interview.“

In other news, Israel is under intense media scrutiny after published reports accused the IDF of forcing Hamas detainees to watch ‘Bowling for Columbine‘ and then write a short movie review.

Purim, The Jooz

The Story of Purim as told by Amnesty International Director Paul O’Brien

Greetings everybody! I’m Paul O’Brien, He/Him, and today I’m here to explain Purim to the Jews! Because to be frank, you don’t seem to be “getting it” lately. Yet I believe in my gut that what the Jewish people really want is to be educated by a Woke NGO that knows what’s best for them. So please allow me to teach you about your holiday from a perspective of Solidarity and Global Justice. Ready? Here we go!

Long ago there was a land called “Shushan” in what today is Iran. Frankly, I’m not an expert on Iran as we mostly focus on countries with poor human rights records. Anyway, there lived a King named Ahashveros who was looking for a wife. He chose a woman named Esther who was apparently quite attractive but unbeknownst to the King, was a Zio Jewish. Esther had an Uncle named Mordecai who was quite an effective Lobbyist for Jewish Interests in the Kingdom

Sadly, the King didn’t notice these activities. Yet one of his Deputies was a keen-eyed observer named Haman. As time went on, Haman saw the growing power imbalance between the Jewish subjects and the Indigenous population of Shushan. In addition, Haman’s personal interactions with Mordecai left him feeling Marginalized and Othered. Deciding to Speak Truth to Power, Haman devised a series of responses to this Structural Injustice. Some of Haman’s proposed solutions seemed rather rash. But it’s not me to judge. Amnesty takes no political views on any question, including the right of the State of Israel to survive. (NON-SATIRE TIME-OUT: He. Really. Said. This.)

Mordecai learned of Haman’s Roadmap for Restorative Justice and notified his niece Esther, who then broke with agreed-upon norms and went directly to the King with her grievances. Feeling the full weight of Queen Esther’s Hasbara, King Ahashveros relented and in a clear-cut case of State-sanctioned cruelty, put Haman to death.

…. Can I take a break for a second and point something out? Why doesn’t the Megillah mention Palestine or the Palestinians? This feels like another manifestation of a Eurocentric World Order. OK, rant over! Back to the story….

Naturally, the Jewish community of Shushan celebrated the death of Haman. Today this holiday manifests itself as a week of debauchery with costumes that sadly reflect the rather sexist trope that women sometimes want to dress up and look hot in public. In addition, the holiday is rife with high-cholesterol fried foods and excessive alcohol consumption. Thanks but no thanks.

Tune in next month when Amnesty International takes a look at Pharaoh’s response to a Jewish Land-Grab in the Nile Delta!

The Jooz

“But I Love those Jewish Crackers!” Whoopi Goldberg clarifies her views on Race

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/3/2022 at 6:30 PM

Hollywood: First off, who among us does not Love Love Love the Feisty Ladies of The View? Guilty Pleasure Alert: We’ve been watching since the days of Barbara Wawa and Star Jones! But anyhoo, it appears that, and some of you may want to sit down for this, sometimes the Hosts expound very confidently on things they have NO CLUE about. And this was one of these times. In conjunction with Holocaust Remembrance Day, Ms. Goldberg noted that the Shoah was just a really big example of White-on-White Crime. You see, now that “Whiteness” is something that can get you in trouble, Jews are White. It’s a magic trick! We’re Commies! We’re Bankers! We keep to ourselves too much! We blend in too much! We’re a bunch of weaklings! We’re mean powerful bullies!

Anyway, things got crazy QUICK. The next day Whoopi (Real Name: Caryn!) gave a nice apology, but then she Doubled Down on Silly when she went on the Colbert Show. Then she went to the Woke Dorks at the Anti-Defamation League and Jonathan Greenblatt absolved her of any sins. In our opinion, if you’re going to try to get your sins washed away by beseeching a Jew, just go to Nazareth.

Finally, the Network Bosses decided to suspend her for a week from the View. (Editors Note: The Daily Freier does not support Ms. Goldberg’s suspension. If famous people were prevented from saying silly or dumb things in public, we would need to get real jobs.) It was at this point where the Daily Freier contacted Whoopi to kibbitz about how dreamy Captain Picard was back in the day in order to clear the air. Whoopi was adamant that she was a fan of the Jewish People, and talked about her specific love for Matzoh. Yet for some reason she kept calling it “Those Jewish Crackers“. Basically, we tried to find common ground, mostly because we were DYING to hear her say “Ditto“. But she didn’t.

Tonight we’re going to eat a special brownie and watch “Sister Act” and see if it makes any more sense this time.

Mossad, The Jooz

Top Ten Reasons the Irish Embassy Drunk Tweeted at Israel

Apparently we are all back in High School, because this week our Frenemies at the Irish Embassy stayed up until Midnight in order to find our photo in the Yearbook and draw devil horns on our heads and blacken our teeth send a nasty Tweet and then delete it. Yet much like the timeless music of The Corrs, the Internet is Forever and we have screenshots.  One would think that Ireland would admire a country that actually managed to completely evict the British, but no. Ireland is upset that Israel is cracking down on all the PFLP-affiliated charities that they fund. They even took the time to complain about that tiny kerfuffle back in 2010 when Israel (Allegedly!) flew to Dubai and knocked off one of their friends in Hamas using tennis rackets, bad wigs, and Irish passports. So this is where our relationship is now.

Yet in the spirit of Goodwill, the Daily Freier set out to get the Irish Government’s side of the story. So we spent the week lurking in their favorite watering holes and BDS Chatrooms in order to get the Top Ten reasons that they angrily drunk tweeted us. Here they are, for your reading pleasure.

1) Gerry Adams keeps tickling us.

2) Daylight Savings Time

3) Was reading “The Merchant of Venice” for the 47th time and dozed off. 

4) You always end up hurting the ones you love.

5) You killed Christ.

6) Gal Gadot still won’t return our phone calls.

7) Roger Waters came to us in a dream and instructed us to do this.

8) Yeah, we dream about Roger Waters like twice a week.

9) Leprechauns!

10) We’re really busy and don’t want invites to any Chanukah parties.

#ErinGoShtupYourselves

Jeremy Corbyn, The Jooz

Ice Cube: a Poet Laureate for our times. by Jeremy Corbyn

With so much confusion in the streets, it is sometimes difficult to make heads or tails of what is happening to us, or more importantly, Who is doing these things to us. Which is why I was Quite Chuffed by the recent Twitter activity of Mister Ice Cube. Mister Cube truly cuts through the proverbial noise to deliver some rather uncomfortable truths. Incidentally, many of these Uncomfortable Truths deal with a certain group of people who may or may not be over-represented in the Entertainment Industry. And the Banks. And the Weather. Ice Cube has had some rather unpleasant run-ins with this group, who sadly lack the ability to understand irony and thus appreciate Mr. Cube’s constructive criticism. One thinks of Mister Jerry Heller, Ice Cube’s former manager in the group NWA. It’s hard to believe that it’s been 30 years since Ice Cube wrote “No Vaseline“, which is quite simply a Masters Class in Speaking Truth to Power. When Ice Cube complained that his fellow bandmates had “Let a Jew break up our crew“, well you could have knocked me over with a feather. When Mister Cube then admonished his former bandmates (more out of sadness than anger, one might add) that there was “a white Jew tellin’ you what to do“, one knew that class was in session.

So imagine my pleasant surprise when Ice Cube tweeted a photo of my favorite mural in London. And what a powerful mural it is. The backs of the Oppressed balancing a Monopoly Board. The International Bankers who stand above them, many of whom have a more than incidental physical similarity to some chaps I have encountered on the Northern Line. Now there was the usual complaints from the (((usual))) usual  corners, but my only advice to Mister Cube is to continue to Speak Your Truth. For in the  immortal words of Chuck D, “Apology made to whoever pleases. Still they got me like Jesus.“

Tune in next week when we discuss the exciting career renaissance of Professor Griff!

Jeremy Corbyn, Labour Party, The Jooz

Three guesses who is to blame, and the first two don’t count. By Jeremy Corbyn

Yesterday the Progressive Community was hit by a Disaster, a Naqba if you will. Labour lost huge swathes of Districts across the Nation. You see, Labour’s loss affected me deeply. I truly felt pain. A stabbing pain. In the back to be precise. But today we must take stock of our losses and identify just how this happened to us. Or more appropriately, who did this to us. Walking in the Heath yesterday, I had some time to reflect, and had an epiphany. I believe that I know the root cause of our loss. I will give you three guesses who is to blame for our calamity, but the first two don’t count.

Perhaps there is a group of people out there. A bit different. Unfamiliar with British irony. Perhaps they live clustered along a certain rail line in London. Just for the sake of argument, let’s say the Northern Line. I had a chance to discuss this with Ken Livingstone last night at Momentum’s weekly potluck and he seemed to be two steps ahead of me. He truly has a talent for seeing hidden truths. I believe the younger people would call this “being Woke”. But anyway, we agreed there was a group of people out there. People with a knack for finances. People who also live in a certain country along the Western Mediterranean Coast. But not Lebanon or Syria.

Our friends in Hamas and Hezbollah have perhaps an even keener insight into this group of people. In fact I was simply delighted to learn that Hamas even included folktales about these people in their Charter. I simply did not know how ecologically-minded Hamas was until I heard their folklore about the group of people whom we are currently discussing and how even the rocks and the trees of Palestine knew what we in Britain are just learning now. Fascinating. Simply fascinating.

Have you guessed yet?

Election 2020, The Jooz

Valerie Plame: Elect me and find out what they put in the Matzoh!

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/15/2019 at 11:30 AM

Santa Fe: Political Nerds everywhere (Hi!) are beyond excited this week with the news that former CIA Agent Valerie Plame is running for Congress in New Mexico! For those of you playing along at home, Ms. Plame was in the middle of a giant Balagan about 15 years ago about the Iraq War, secret identities, Dick Cheney, Weapons of Mass Destruction and a bunch of other things from a decade Before the Covfefe Era (BCE). Anyhoo, in addition to all that, Ms. Plame used to be really into Twitter, but now we can’t find her account. Which is weird, cuz it had some pretty cool stuff on it. Like the time she retweeted a story called “America’s Jews Are Driving America’s Wars“.  But that was an honest mistake that she owned up to by saying…. ummm…. “Many neocon hawks ARE Jewish.” Yet this was really just an isolated incident, except, umm, for the other time that she retweeted a 9/11 Conspiracy theory about Dancing Jooz.

Fortunately, Ms. Plame has moved on after her campaign manager snatched her Iphone and deleted her Twitter account and just launched her Congressional Campaign with an A-Ma-Zing video where she drives a Camaro in the desert in reverse faster than Israel created ISIS. Because let’s face it, there’s not a minute to spare. We need Ms. Plame to put on her old CIA sleuth hat and get to the bottom of some stuff that’s been keeping us up at night. Such as….

  1. Who poisoned the village well?
  2. (Something about the Rothschilds. And The Freemasons. And an Octopus.)

And of course…

3. What’s gives their matzoh that special zing?

As a special treat, Ms. Plame also informed us that she has previously unmentioned Jewish ancestors! You know, like Ken Livingstone’s grandmother! And, umm….Julia Salazar. OMG! Or as Ms. Plame now says, ‘Oy Gevalt!’

The Daily Freier will continue covering this story just as soon as we put the finishing touches on tomorrow’s weather.

The Jooz, The New York Times

Our response to that New York Times editorial cartoon

new NYT Trump BibiGotta tell ya, that cartoon was disgusting.
One of your worst.
For historical reference, it resembled something from Der Stürmer circa 1934.
Using the theme of a blind American President being led around by an Israeli Prime Minister?
Come on, really?
Knowing the historic context of this accusation?
You portrayed a Jewish leader as a dog.
On a leash, no less!
Under his collar was a Star of David.
Really? Was that really necessary?
Showing Jews as dogs is a step toward dehumanization.
Everyone knows that, right?
Lots of Editors had to be in on the approval process for this piece.
Very curious, is anyone losing their job over this cartoon?
Either that or nothing is actually going to happen to anyone who had a part of this, right?
So in conclusion, Apology Not Accepted.