Tel Aviv, Shapira: The Break Room in Haaretz’s South Tel Aviv Headquarters has become a microcosm for the Arab-Israeli Conflict, with its Day Shift and Night Shifts unable to come to a peaceful solution about who is allowed to Occupy utlilize their refrigerator. Things recently got so bad that a “Two Refrigerators for Two Shifts” policy was enacted by John, an outside mediator from Massachusetts brought in by the Editorial Board. The Daily Freier spoke to traumatized Haaretz intern Zoe D. about the ongoing tragedy.
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Khan Yunis, Gaza: The United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees in the Middle East (UNRWA) is in turmoil today after published reports revealed that one of their own maintains a Facebook page with absolutely no pictures of Hitler, Jews being hunted down, nor of religious Jews being run over with a car. Fares A., a mathematics teacher at Sayyid Qutb Elementary School in Khan Yunis, maintains a Facebook profile containing strictly pictures of his family, pictures of himself in front of somebody else’s Ferrari, a picture posted by his high school sweetheart (whom his wife can’t stand) of the two of them together in the early 1990’s, and pictures of what appears to be an outdoor barbecue event with particularly tasty lamb.
Fares’s fellow teachers at Sayyid Qutb Elementary were in a state of shock today. “You think you know a guy, and then, bang, this happens.” stated a disheartened History Teacher Hassan M. ” I mean, he’s been to my house, we talk football…..I guess next time I will be more careful with my friendships.” Geography teacher Layla R. was equally upset. “This man has tarnished the dignity of Gaza. This is even worse than when the Mossad kidnapped our Bumblebee.”
Jerusalem: The United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees in the Middle East (UNRWA) has created a hot new version of the popular Facebook game Farmville. The new game, “Naqbaville” was designed so that UNRWA’s teachers and other employees have something to do on Facebook when they are not posting over the top cartoons portraying Jews in not-so-nice ways. The Daily Freier caught up with UNRWA Spokesman Chris Gunness, who took us to the UNRWA Game Design Center to look at an exciting online Naqbaville tournament in progress.
“So you’ll see that Player One just lost a turn. It appears that a swarthy hooked-nosed man with sidelocks poisoned his well water at night. So Player One will have to sit out this round“. Mr. Gunness then turned his attention to Player Two: “Oh no! There’s a Jew hiding in his fields, but don’t worry, the trees and rocks call will call out to him: ‘Brother, there’s a Jew behind me, come and kill him!’ . Chris noted the efforts UNRWA made to ensure the game’s authenticity. “We actually pulled that last quote right out of the Hamas Charter; it took our legal team a day or two for permission, but we promised them free copies of the game and it was totally chill.”
While the game has just hit the streets, Mr. Gunness is confident of its success “Naqbaville is not yet really big, but pretty soon we expect it to really just explode…..The game I mean.”
Despite the initial excitement, there has been some dispute from a few disgruntled customers who felt the game wasn’t quite violent enough against Jews. Yet at this point UNRWA cannot provide refunds. ”Unfortunately all sales are final. You don’t have a right of return.” Chris then paused for a moment in thought and added “……of this product.”
Ramat Aviv, Rakevet Ha Universita: After last week’s request for help identifying the mysterious balloon in the sky above Ramat Aviv, the Daily Freier’s alert readers swung into action, revealing a dogged search for the truth, and for some, a clear need to get back on their prescribed medication. Here is what our alert readers had to say:
“It’s where Buji hides his charisma.” – Ron, policeman
“It’s where the city keeps all the polite, good looking straight guys who will call you back” – Cathrine, web designer
“Where’s Ramat Aviv????” – Shuki, playwright
“I’ve been dating a Sabra girl for 2 years and I just told her over dinner that I want to break up with her…..so……Can I hide in the balloon for a few weeks? – Binyamin, Lone Soldier
“Actually the Palestinians say it was originally theirs.” – Shoshanna, Optometrist
“I’m sick of Tel Aviv. Will it take me to Berlin?” – Ashleigh Shapiro, actress
“I don’t know, but the U.N. is about to pass a resolution against it”. – Adi, entrepreneur
“Space Aliens…..except they’re also Jewish”. – Dana, stockbroker
Tel Aviv, Bograshov: Tel Aviv University graduate students Melissa P. and Kate D. have adopted “The Right of Return” in their ongoing dispute with a bracelet bar on Bograshov near Ben Yehuda. The women’s ordeal began earlier this evening around 8:30 PM local time when they arrived at the establishment, purchasing the ’79 Shekel Red Bracelets’, allowing an unlimited amount of house wine, draft beer, and mixed drinks. After spending several hours at the establishment getting, as one bystander noted, “hella wasted”, the ladies departed the bar. It is at this point that the narratives of the protagonists in this ordeal diverge, with bar hostess Anat L. claiming that the ladies voluntarily left their seats and set out toward Dizengoff Street, while Melissa and Kate insisting that they were forcibly evicted from their land seats and cast out of the bar “for like no reason”. The Daily Freier spoke with Anat for her perspective on this ongoing tragedy.
“Those two were out of control, but I guess the manager likes them. Anyway, I told them that after 10 PM there is a noise ordinance, and if they want to stay outside they need to keep it down. Well that led to an eye roll or two. I had to go back to talk with them two more times. On the last trip over there, Kate just said “F– this, we’re out, and they stormed off….. Of course they came back like 30 minutes later because, and I quote, “the other place sucked”. But by that time newcomers had settled at their table. And to just let them back in would totally disrupt the current demographics of the bar……Welcome to Israel.”
The Daily Freier was also able to speak with Melissa and Kate for their side of the story. Melissa shared her perspective; “Whatever the hostess told you is total crap. She hates us. She basically ran us off, and then turned around and said that we left on our own accord. I mean yeah we left, but only because we knew that our friend Ran’s shift starts at 11 and that if we came back he would take care of us at the bar. But when we came back, our chairs were occupied. The whole thing was a disaster……wait, I should know this…..how do you say ‘disaster’ in Arabic???”
Kate was equally adamant that an injustice had occurred; “We bought these bracelets, and they’re good all night. Our right of return is inalienable and cannot simply be negotiated away.” When the Daily Freier asked Kate what kind of repercussions might occur if their wishes were not respected, she noted “If they think they can just get away with this shit, I will boycott them forever……or at least until next Wednesday. That’s old school hip-hop night.”
Ramat Aviv: Today outside of Tel Aviv University, Arab students held a protest in observance of Naqba Day (‘The Catastrophe’), mourning the creation of the State of Israel. Student leader Firaz A. stated “We see the creation of the so-called State of Israel and our dispossession as an injustice, and for this reason, I refuse to accept that I can pay the discounted rate of 8,000 Shekels ($2,000) tuition as an Israeli citizen. I insist on paying the full foreign rate, as this regime was created in sin. Therefore, I am presenting the University Bursar with 52,000 Shekels in cash ($13,000). I refuse to derive any benefit from this criminal enterprise known as ‘Israel”“.
Fellow student Maryam N. was equally adamant: “Not only will I refuse to pay tuition at the discounted rate, but henceforth I refuse to be treated in free ‘Israeli’ government healthcare facilities. From now on it’s strictly private doctors who take cash.” When the Daily Freier asked Maryam if paying more for her education might be an economic hardship, she replied “Yes it will be difficult for me and my family, but I must stay intellectually honest to my cause. After all, if I gained benefits from a regime that I despise, that would make me a bit of a hypocrite, wouldn’t it?“
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.