Tag: Hamas

"The Squad", Hamas

IDF Finds Hamas Tunnel Under Ilhan Omar’s Gaza Daycare Center
“Some People Leared Something”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2 January 2026 at 2:35 PM

Rafah: Combat Engineers working in concert with elements of the Golani Brigade announced the discovery of a Hamas Tunnel under the City’s “Quality Learing Center“. The Daycare Center is part of a franchise operated by Representative Ilhan Omar (Democrat-Mogadishu) that receives funding from the State of Minnesota and has been open since 2021. The Daily Freier reported from today’s IDF Conference about the discovery.

“Our troops were forced to move slowly, as we overestimated the number of Hamas terrorists in the tunnels.”  explained IDF Spokesman Captain Ron C. “You see, our Intelligence Unit counted both Ilhan Omar’s ‘husbands’ and ‘brothers’ without understanding that there’s a bit of overlap. But the lack of any actual kids in the Daycare Center made the operation easier.”

Representative Omar reacted swiftly to the accusations, writing on Twitter “Israel has hypnotized the world, may Allah awaken the people and help them see the evil doings of Israel.” (Haha! Just kidding! But not really!)

For his part, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz blamed the political fallout over the tunnels on “White Supremacy.” (Haha, just kidding again! But not really!)

Music fans were relieved to learn that famed musician/activist/dick Roger Waters emerged unhurt from the tunnel.

 

Hamas, Jeremy Corbyn

Ismail Haniyeh: A Eulogy by Jeremy Corbyn

On Wednesday I awoke to the horrible news that the man I had once invited for Tea at the House of Commons was now dead, another victim of Zionist Aggression. My dear friend Ismail Haniyeh was killed in Tehran, and I am Literally Shattered. (Side Note: Whomever sent me the so called “meme” of Mr. Haniyeh being hit by a “Love missile going straight to the heart” like some middling 1980’s power ballad, let me reiterate: That Is Not Funny.)  When the pundits offered temporary “Band Aid” Solutions to the Crisis in Palestine, what my friend Ismail offered were Solutions. Solutions that were in fact rather Final.

Yet Ismail’s breadth of knowledge and expertise never ceased to amaze me. I will never forget the time I invited him to our Islington Gardening Allotment’s “Compost for Palestine” Gala. Mr. Haniyeh showed an interest in our gardens that left me quite chuffed. In fact, he wandered the garden intently studying the rocks and the trees. He said that if you listened closely, they would speak to you. Now this is a message of Environmental Stewardship that many in Government would be wise to emulate. Yet for some reason, Ismail seemed adamant that we never plant any gharqad trees, an eccentric behavior that I simply took in stride.

I will miss our outings to watch football together, especially when we cheered whichever team was playing Tottenham that day.  He even taught us a traditional Palestinian Football Chant entitled “Khaybar Khaybar Ya Yahud.” It was quite catchy.

As much as I want to putter around the flat today and sulk, there is work to be done. Mr. Haniyeh would want us to be strong. He would also want us to send him money in increments smaller than 10,000 U.S. Dollars via those nice gentlemen at the Finsbury Park Mosque. Today I shall search for the proper wreath to send to Doha in honor of Mr. Haniyeh.

Goodbye Dear Friend.

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Mossad, Top 10

Iran’s Top Ten Excuses for Haniyeh’s Assassination

We here in Israel were just as Shocked (Shocked I tell you!) as you were when we learned of Ismail Haniyeh’s untimely passing this week. Yet before we could move on with our lives and attain Closure, we needed to get to the bottom of exactly what went wrong with Iran’s security and how they failed to prevent this tragedy. So we put on our Journalist hats and did some real shoe leather work that may or may not have entailed joining a Code Pink Zoom Virtual Shiva. The results were 100% Pure Journalism with a side of hummus. So behold: Iran’s Top Ten Excuses for Ismail Haniyeh’s Assassination!

1. Our new Chief of Security came highly recommended by the U.S. Secret Service.

2. Busy binge-watching “Tehran”.

3. Still understaffed because we thought Ilhan Omar’s ‘brother’ and ‘husband’ were two different people.

4. Roger Waters smoked a joint on the patio and left the sliding door unlocked.

5. Sloped Roof

6. Haniyeh’s Bodyguard incapacitated by the smell from Jeremy Corbyn’s compost pile in the garden.

7. Medea Benjamin keeps sexting us.

8. Our Nightshift Zoom Meeting went late because Trita Parsi doesn’t know how to stop talking.

9. Should have been more suspicious of the Tubi bottles we found behind the shrubs.

10. Our interns from Jewish Voice for Peace were at a Shabbat Dinner on Wednesday night.

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Al Jazeera

Lazy Al Jazeera Journalist Has Only One Hostage in His Attic

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12 June 2024 at 5:30 PM

Gaza: Al Jazeera journalist Firas H. is suffering some serious reputational damage in his hometown these days. You see, Firas is currently holding just one Israeli hostage in the crawlspace above his Khan Yunis living room, and his lack of motivation is causing his neighbors to talk.

“Just who does this guy think he is?” asked local greengrocer Mohamed K. “This shows poor character and possibly reflects badly on his upbringing.”

“This is just shameful.” chastised University student Fatima H. “I don’t know this layabout, but we are distant cousins. My greatest fear is that his lack of ambition will negatively affect my marriage prospects. I mean, people talk around here.”

The Daily Freier tried to stop by the Al Jazeera office in Jerusalem, but then we remembered that Israel kicked their tuchuses (tuchi?) out of Israel last month. So we spoke to Firas’s manager Karim via Zoom from his Qatar office.

“I am sick of this fool.” lamented Karim as he smoked a cigarette. “Constantly giving me excuses for not holding more ‘Israelis’ in his attic. ‘The floor cannot hold the weight. Their crying would disturb my baby.’ This sort of nonsense.” Karim dragged on his cigarette and continued. “Now Abdallah Aljamal? That guy was a real go-getter! Three Hostages in his house! You want to get promoted? Be more like Abdallah!” Firas looked around the room for a minute and shrugged his shoulders. “I mean, without the whole ‘getting shot by Israelis when they break into your house’ thing, know what I’m saying?”

As the Daily Freier finished our phone call, Abdallah told us that he loved the architecture at the Kirya IDF Headquarters in Tel Aviv, and asked if we could take some photos of the Entry Control Point on Kaplan Street for him.

 

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Hamas, Top 10

Top Ten Reasons Hamas Wants to Leave Qatar
(photo credit:Wikimedia Commons)

Lately Ismail Haniyeh and Khaled Mashal have been threatening to leave their comfy lair in Qatar, which is a respected actor on the world stage that is definitely NOT a giant gas station/television studio providing aid and comfort to a bunch of psychotic murderers from the 7th century. So yeah… apparently the big machers at Hamas have ants in their pants and their boots are made for walking and…. we’ve lost our train of thought. Anyhoo, Behold! The Top Ten reasons Hamas wants to leave Qatar!

1. John Cusack keeps sexting us.

2. The Kiddush Club here is just one big clique.

3. We want to move to a less Western city like maybe Dearborn.

4. Jeremy found us an amazing sublet in Islington near the Tube.

5. Doha’s Gharqad trees made some very catty comments about my wife’s clothes.

6. Last week we almost got trapped in a taxicab with Thomas Friedman.

7. Tired of making small talk with Martin Indyk at the Al Jazeera company picnic.

8. Just landed a job next Semester teaching Ethics at Columbia.

9. Yesterday I sneezed in the Hotel elevator and the Bellhop said “Lebriut”.

10. My friends in Dublin just elected me to City Council.

2023 Israel-Hamas War, The United Nations, Top 10

Top 10 Signs there’s a Hamas Bunker underneath your UNRWA Office

This week we learned that UNRWA’s protests that they don’t even know anyone in Hamas might be a bit rich. Not just because a dozen of their employees attacked Israel on October 7th, but now we learn that Hamas was running a data center underneath UNRWA’s headquarters! Now their leadership is claiming they had, like “No Idea” what was underneath their HQ. Here at Daily Freier we sympathize with the United Nations and want to help. Perhaps we can assist the UN in finding “red flags” that indicate that maybe things are not as they seem. So without further ado, Behold! The Top Ten Signs there’s a Hamas Bunker underneath your office!

  1. John Cusack always loitering in the break room.
  2. Your Bluetooth asks if you want to match with “Yaya Sinwar’s iPhone”.
  3. Goat wearing a miniskirt & fishnet stockings comes and goes at all hours of the night.
  4. Rashida Tlaib calls and asks what time everyone goes home at night because she’s “just curious”.
  5. You show up early to work one morning and catch Roger Waters taking a dump.
  6. Your Handyman wanders around emptying his pockets of dirt just like in Shawshank Redemption.
  7. There’s a Wolt driver at the front door but nobody in the office ordered food.
  8.  Someone always bangs on the floor with a broomstick whenever you make noise after 10 PM.
  9. Your summer intern tells you that the noise in the basement is just Chabad doing home improvement.*
  10. There’s a sign on the basement door that says “To the Top Secret Hamas Data Center”.

 

 

*Too Soon?

2023 Israel-Hamas War

Ismail Haniyeh calls for More Martyrs & More Room Service

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1 December 2023 at 3:50 PM

Doha, Qatar: With today’s resumption of fighting, Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh issued a defiant statement from his hotel suite’s breakfast nook. “Today I am calling for more martyrs! With Blood and Fire we will Liberate Al Aqsa!” Mr. Haniyeh emphatically shouted while picking at his poached eggs and salmon. “I am also calling on the Four Seasons Hotel to send more tea and pastries to room 342! From the River to the Sea, I hate cold tea!“

The Daily Freier asked Mr. Haniyeh how the Struggle for Palestine had been affecting him personally. “Every day we are faced with challenges put forth by the Zionist Entity!” Haniyeh complained as a member of his entourage poured him more fresh squeezed orange juice from a large carafe on the drinks cart. “I tried to get a hamburger at 10:30 PM last night but Room Service had the impudence to inform me that the line cook had just gone home and that they only had pizza.”

We then helpfully added that perhaps Ismail’s hotel did not have hamburgers because Ahed Tamimi ate all of them. Mr. Haniyeh thoughtfully scratched his head for a moment. “You raise an excellent point. The Sister Ahed had a very strong appetite in the Zionist jail. She volunteered to fight from our tunnels in Gaza, but our food supplies could not support her Resistance and we had to say no.”

As the Daily Freier ended our conversation with Mr. Haniyeh, he asked us to find the maid and request more towels and some of those tasty pillow mints.

2023 Israel-Hamas War, The Israel Barbie Collection

Israeli Barbie: Wartime Edition!

Recently many of you have confronted the writers of the Daily Freier as we went about our business in Tel Aviv with an urgent question: how are the members of our Israel Barbie Collection dealing with the war? As we have a certain civic sense of duty to our fellow citizens, we assigned our Lifestyle Reporter Roxy Cruz to answer your pressing questions. So behold: The Israeli Barbie Collection: Wartime Edition!

Ken Ofir HaHatir got exposed for lying about his age because he is not in Miluim (reserve duty) as he is 45 years old, not 36 as he claims. Therefore he is now telling women that he’s not in Miluim because he was injured in the last war. But he is available for them in case they get scared and need emotional support in these difficult times. At short notice, he can come visit with a bottle of Yarden wine and a shoulder to cry on.

Barbie Debra Taglit still thinks it’s a mistake that the Mossad never recruited her for the skills she acquired working at a Miami mall. Debra understood that the noise of the bombs were bad for her cat, Mimi, so she took a flight out of Israel (but left the cat with her neighbor). She’s currently encouraging our soldiers to be brave against Hamas/working non-stop on her Instagram from her parents’ house in Boca Raton.

Barbie Jennifer Israeli Spouse and Ken Yuval Melech HaShuk are currently running 5 minutes from their home in Yafo to the nearest miklat. Yuval is keeping busy making mandalas from seashells and composing songs to clean the vibes with Gaza.

Barbie Sigalit is starting a new business selling incense and aromatherapy. She would like to provide her healing services to people affected by the war, but she needs to get licensed as a therapist. She thinks that this is “Totally BS”, so she is now just burning incense and singing mantras in Sanskrit that she found on YouTube.


Barbie Meirav  would rather die from a rocket hitting her Sheinkin Street apartment than go to the bunker where she might meet her ex-husband, Ken Dudi, his 24 year old Ukrainian model fiancee, Barbie Alina, and all the leftist neighbors she called traitors a few weeks ago before their husbands got recalled to the Reserves for the war.


Barbie Danit is currently under high doses of Xanax. Her kids are at home and the siren barely rings in Ramat Aviv, but she is (secretly) worried about Ken Ofir HaHatir. Ken Uri the Startup guy is secretly expecting a baby from his side chick and will soon divorce her and move to Portugal.

 

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Tel Aviv Living

Since we’re trapped in this bomb shelter, let’s talk about my Vegan Lifestyle for a half hour!
(photo credit: the Roxy Cruz Foundation)

Wow, that last missile was CLOSE! It’s a good thing this public shelter was nearby. The facility manager just shut that giant steel door and he thinks the barrage of missiles is not going to stop for a long time. So I guess we’re stuck in here!

Which is great because I’ve been meaning to talk to you about the incredible changes in my life since I embraced the vegan lifestyle. Did you know that Tel Aviv is the world capital of vegan cuisine? I was in the Shuk yesterday and had this a-ma-zing “pulled pork” sandwich but get this…it was made of jackfruit! Wait, you don’t know what jackfruit it? So you can get it in the Asian markets here and it is really great because it takes on the texture and consistency of meat but at the same time it….

…But first I need to tell you about how much farmland we can save by ending our dependence on the beef industry and converting the grazing land into sustainable agriculture using traditional crop rotation and organic fertilizer derived from urban composting especially….

….Wait, there’s a video I’ve been meaning to show you. Have you ever actually SEEN how hot dogs are made? Because I have this YouTube clip and it is so DISGUSTING that you will NEVER eat them again. OK let’s open up my phone and… what? You don’t think I can get reception inside the walls of the shelter?  That’s why I carry around a small Wi-Fi repeater in my purse!  It lets me use the Internet ANYWHERE!  OK, so let’s cue up the video to the part where they take the intestines and turn them into….

Hey, where are you going? Stop trying to climb out of the shelter window, it’s not safe yet!

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Ashkenazi Problems

Trapped: Sephardic Evacuees from Ashdod forced to eat Ashkenazi Host Family’s food

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 10/15/2023 at 3:50 PM

Tel Tzion:  “There. Was. Sugar. In. The. Fish. I’m traumatized. ” Ruti N. of Ashdod sobbed. “Also, the rice was just plain and white…. is there a nationwide turmeric shortage?” Ruti’s Sephardi family is among the many evacuated from the South of Israel due to the war and placed with host families around Israel….. many of them who are Ashkenazim.

Grief counselors and social workers have been sent to help the displaced families deal with their trauma. “I thought they would want to talk about the rockets and sirens.” said social worker Adi S., “But when I ask them to open up about their fears, all I hear is complaints about the food.“

“My children haven’t seen a bowl of couscous in days! It’s a human rights violation.” cried Ruti. “And why is there mayonnaise in everything…. and four different kinds of herring???!”

We caught up with Shevy, who’s hosting Ruti’s family, as she peeled potatoes in her kitchen on the yishuv of Tel Tzion. “It’s been a pleasure to have them!” she exclaimed. “Poor things, stress from the war must be affecting their appetite … at lunch they hardly touched their gribenes.“

As we left Shevy’s house, we asked about any plans after her guest family leaves. “I’ve been offered a job with the Shabak.” she replied. “They’re setting up a prison for captured Hamas terrorists and they want ME to cook the prisoners’ meals!“