Tag: Yakov Litzman

From now on we only write stories about the Jerusalem Sinkhole

(photo credit: Twitter)

So on Monday afternoon a giant sinkhole opened up in the parking lot of a Jerusalem Hospital, swallowing cars and generally behaving badly. Some people blamed it on the Shidduch Crisis. Others blamed it on the Jooz(really). But the Daily Freier went a step further, and will stop all other activity for the immediate future as we doggedly pursue multiple stories about this Enigma of a Sinkhole. So without further ado, here is a list of our upcoming Sinkhole Stories.


1. “I’m a Start-Up.” Jerusalem Sinkhole rebrands himself

2. Shas blames Sinkhole on Naftali Bennett

3. Outrage after Sinkhole goes on Secret Jerusalem and asks where he can get a bacon cheeseburger

4. “Have you wrapped Tefillin today?” Chabadnik stops by the Sinkhole

5. Bibi says he can’t leave office “until we fix the Sinkhole crisis

6. Rashida Tlaib claims that her grandmother used to live in the Sinkhole before the Naqba

7. Leaked audio reveals Sara Netanyahu screaming at the Sinkhole about her Masters Degree

8. Sinkhole’s wife wants to move to Ramat Bet Shemesh because their current kitchen is too small

9. “Was he secretly Messianic?” The Sinkhole’s Jerusalem Minyan has its suspicions

10. Bar Rafaeli says she really wanted to pay her taxes but the sinkhole stopped her

11. CNN begins referring to the “Occupied Arab sinkhole”

12. “What about Tzfat?” Nefesh b’Nefesh invites the Sinkhole to explore their “Go North” program

13. Sarah Tuttle-Singer shares a taxi with the Sinkhole and they discuss Tamar from the Bible for 3 hours

14. The Sinkhole starts lying about his Army service to impress Taglit girls

15. Jerusalem Sinkhole canceled after his old tweets surface

16. Litzman blocks efforts to extradite Sinkhole to Australia on sex charges

17. Ariel Gold informs the Sinkhole that he’s actually from Spain

18. Sinkhole claims he’s enrolled at Or Sameach but I see him in Crack Square every night smoking weed

19. Jerusalem Sinkhole claims that Maktesh Ramon is his cousin

20. Liami is trying to Keep the Sinkhole in Israel

Rabbanut: Under COVID, Jews must eat every last crumb of bread before Seder

“Eat 5 Jars of peanut butter by Wednesday”

By Josh Warhit

Last Updated 4/5/2020 at 4:00 PM

Jerusalem: According to Israel’s Chief Rabbis David Lau and Yitzhak Yosef, Jews should not leave their homes in order to kasher cooking utensils or burn hametz (foods deemed unkosher for Passover), which religiously observant Jews do every year the morning before the holiday. As part of the national effort to fight the spread of COVID-19, Israel’s Chief Rabbis ruled that Jews must instead gather all such products in their kitchen and eat them down to the last crumb.

In lieu of our usual traditions, eating every last bit of hametz is the only way to guarantee both a safe and kosher Passover.” said Yosef at a meeting with leaders from the Sephardic and Mizrahi communities. “Drastic times call for drastic measures.

According to Jewish law, no bread or leavened products may be eaten or kept at home during Passover. But some communities are finding this new ruling particularly difficult. Ashkenazi Jews, whose recent ancestors resided in Germany and eastern Europe, are forbidden from eating kitniyot, a term that refers to many grains and legumes. This made Rabbi Lau’s ruling particularly shocking.

Drinking all my beer and eating all my bread is one thing.” lamented Yechezkel Abelman of Jerusalem. “But there’s 4 days left before the holiday. How are my wife and I supposed to eat five kilograms of rice and wash them down with twelve cans of lentil soup?

Instead of burning hametz, we must prepare ourselves to burn calories.” explained Yaakov Litzman, Israel’s Minister of Health and follower of the Ger Hasidic Dynasty. “Those who find it difficult should soften their bread by dipping it in water.

Of course, not every religious leader is going along with the new ruling. Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky of Bnei Brak is considered a high authority in the Haredi world, and has vowed to defy the ruling.

Some believe Rabbi Kanievsky’s headstrong approach is due to core disagreements over religious interpretation. Others believe it’s because he is yet to discard five jars of extra crunchy Skippy peanut butter he has stashed in his home. No matter the reason, some of his followers were more enthusiastic about his “live-and-let’s-get-sick” approach.

In mid-March, after ordering his hundreds of thousands of followers to defy the Health Ministry’s Anti-Corona directives, he changed his mind two weeks later. “If he’s going to change his mind again, I’d rather he do it in the next day or two, so I have time to digest.” said Yoel Friedberg of Bnei Brak. “Corona or not, if I show up full to the Seder, my mother might kill me anyway.

Meanwhile, religious leaders across Israel and the Diaspora are already preparing other holidays for the impact of COVID-19. If the pandemic stretches into the fall, building a Sukkah may involve dismantling  your living room furniture for the wood.

Daily Freier’s Top Ten Corona Fears

1.  What if we run out of Biltong?

2. Are they going to close Trump Yeshiva?

3. Do you think someone is Quarantined with Ariel Gold?

4. If everyone’s in Lockdown, who gets to pee in Kikar Atarim?

5. Will this delay next months Elections?

6. What if Kerem House turns all of this into some kind of weird-ass online event?

7. The people still lost in Dizengoff Center: are they maintaining 2 meters distance from one another?

8. Will the Corona Crisis distract Health Minister Litzman from the important work of blocking the extradition of an accused sex offender to Australia?

9. What if Sarah Tuttle-Singer is using this time to write another book?

10. Has anyone told the American Oleh trapped in Ulpan Gordon for 7 years?

 

 

Patriotic Germs in Tel Aviv Central Bus Station vow to fight Corona Virus

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 2/27/2020 at 6:30 PM

Tel Aviv: With the worldwide spread of the dreaded Corona Virus, Israelis fear that the pandemic will soon affect their country as well. Yet while most Israelis remain confused and without a plan, one group has already organized to fight the virus head-on: the germs who live in the Tel Aviv Bus Station. The giant complex boasts abandoned floors occupied by transients, a Yiddish Theater, scary toilets, and a bat colony. In addition, it houses a community of fiercely nationalistic microbes that are gruff but lovable. The Daily Freier is quite familiar with the Central Bus Station, having once marketed a cologne inspired by its smells (Really!), so we had no problems meeting germs to interview.

This Corona character doesn’t know who he’s messing with.” explained Shirli, an e-coli virus living on the door knob of the 3rd floor womens’ bathroom. “You’re in MY house now.”

We are organized and ready for this threat.” noted Tomer, a staph infection hanging around the escalator near the Levinsky Street entrance. “Am Yisrael Chai.

Gamla will not fall again, and neither will we.” stated Dudi, an airborne fungus living in a pile of bat feces on the second floor.

In addition to the germs in the Central Bus Station, the Daily Freier learned of other microbes organizing against Corona, to include Yossi the Household Mold behind your Tel Aviv apartment’s bathroom wall, the stuff living in Tel Aviv’s Atarim Square, and the germs living in the dry pee in Dizengoff Square.

When we shared this story with actual Israeli humans, they noted that this plan is better than Health Minister Litzman’s real-life Corona plan, which consists of stopping flights from random Asian countries and protecting an accused sex offender from being deported to Australia.

 

 

 

“Maybe if she votes Lieberman”: Litzman sets terms for Leifer extradition

“Or if she buys the wrong phone”

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/5/2019 at 8:30 PM

Jerusalem: Israel’s Deputy Health Minister Yaakov Litzman this evening gave specific details of a scenario where he would approve the extradition of accused child molester Malka Leifer to Australia. “Maybe if she voted for Lieberman.”

Ms. Leifer, a former Principal at an Australian school for religious girls, was charged with 74 counts of sexual abuse back in 2008. So the school reacted as any school would react, by purchasing her a short notice airplane ticket to Israel! Since then Ms. Leifer has claimed to be mentally incapable of being extradited to Australia for trial. Yet thanks to some undercover sleuthing, we learned that her mental incapacity is the funky kind where she can still go shopping, talk on the phone, run errands around town, and basically do everything normal people do. Fascinating, huh?

Anyhoo, the case has progressed about as quickly as the queue at an Israeli Post Office on a Thursday afternoon. The court called state mental health experts to testify as to whether Ms. Leifer is mentally competent for extradition. Interestingly enough, some experts who said she was competent then changed their mind and ruled that Ms. Leifer is not competent to stand trial.

Yet, and we really need to stress this, absolutely NONE of this was due to illegal influence or intimidation from Deputy Health Minister Litzman. No way. That’s crazy! Just because he has the power to affect the careers of State Mental Health experts. Or because the police recommended his indictment on this issue for “fraud, breach of trust, and impeachment in testimony.” We’re still not convinced. Besides, Mr. Litzman spelled out multiple scenarios where he would support Leifer’s extradition.

If Malka votes for Lieberman, she can pack her bags.” Mr. Litzman informed the Daily Freier. “Or if she buys a phone with Internet Connectivity. Or, you know, if she breaks Shabbes.

The Daily Freier admonished Minister Litzman that this case and his behavior was turning a lot of average Israelis against him, but he dismissed the charge. “They should thank me! Think of how many new Hilonim that we created with this case!”