By Emily Goldstein and Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 7/15/2016 at 3:10 PM
Tel Aviv, HaKirya: Responding to published reports, the IDF acknowledged the existence of a previously secret unit: an Olah Hadashah Code Talking unit. Inspired by the famed Navajo Code Talkers of World War II who confused the Japanese Army by speaking in a dialect known only to members of their tribe, there is now a unit comprised specifically of women who have recently immigrated from North America. And Operation Yeleda Lavana has so far been an amazing success, confusing and confounding Israel’s enemies. The Daily Freier was able to somehow secure press credentials and sit in on a Press Conference at the Kirya.
IDF Spokesperson Elad L. explained that despite the natural talents of the recruits, extra training was provided by experts in not being understood in Hebrew, to include Israeli Basketball legend Tal Brody. When asked why there was not a Code Talker unit of Olim Hadashim, Elad explained that there was only so many times that one can say “Bro” in a radio conversation before it loses its meaning. Finally, Elad played an excerpt of an actual radio exchange from the team.
Operator 1: Gimmel Matayim Shalosh? Zot Rachel, Wait, I mean Aleph Arbaim ve Shmonay.
Operator 2: Lo shamati. Lo shamati.
Operator 1: Eych omrim command post?
Operator 2 (whispering): OMG my mefaked is So. Hot.
Unknown Male Voice: Pardon me you Zionist She-Jackals. This is Ali. You know, from Hezbollah. I am sorry to interrupt but I must correct your use of future tense with the Peh-Gronit. You appear to be using the incorrect Binyan in your conversation. It is incredibly difficult for me to even follow this dialogue, and I respectfully ask that you stick to Standard Modern Hebrew. Again, I apologize for the interruption to your hegemonic Zionist conversation. Please continue.
Operator 1: Aval like Lo hevanti?
Elad admitted that Operation Yeleda Lavana experienced a work stoppage this week after the sushi place on Ibn Gavriol stopped delivering.
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 6/5/2016 at 11:30 PM
Tel Aviv, Frischman: Tel Aviv resident Rachel G. is at her wit’s end. After returning from a weekend in Haifa, her refrigerator is empty. And nobody has been in the apartment except her roommate Danny, a Lone Soldier. Yet Danny has told her that the status of the food is a mystery to him as well.
“I just don’t get it.” Rachel explained. “I mean, we didn’t know each other before he responded to my ad on Secret Tel Aviv, but we get along fine. He’s been really good about finding things on the street for the apartment. Just last week he found a mattress, a yoga mat, and a guitar. And when my parents were in town, he was totally cool with coming to dinner with us at Sarona Market. I mean, they paid, but still.” Rachel continued to mull over the situation. “I just feel betrayed. You know, it’s the ketchup packets from Burger Ranch that hurts the most.”
Fellow Lone soldier Jeremy C. shared his suspicions with the daily Freier. “I guess I figured something was up when I stopped by to play Xbox and he offered me a tuna sandwich. Also, he has a new hat. Yeah, something just doesn’t make sense.”
When Jeremy confronted him about his sudden sandwich-production capability, Danny’s alibi was that he already has “lots of canned food that he stole from miluim last week“. Which has the ring of truth to it.
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
This is ridiculous. Birthright are a bunch of damn liars. According to the brochure I should be riding a camel to a hummus restaurant with like two Army girls by now. But no. This town is crawling with dudes. If I wanted a sausage fest, I could have stayed in Jersey for the Summer. I just feel cheated. Especially because I talked so much shit to the bros before I left last week. And now I have no good stories.
And where are all these guys’ clothes? I don’t get it. I mean it’s hot out, but not that hot. It’s hardly June. And what do all of the flags mean? I just don’t get it. And why is everyone in such good shape? That dude over there is ripped. The cuts on his triceps and abs are ridiculous. I bet he lifts. I wonder what supplements he uses. Creatine maybe? I should go ask him.
(Photo Credit: Jewish Agency)
By Mark Levy
Last Updated 4/8/2016 at 10:50 AM
New York, Turtle Bay: United Nations Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon reacted with undisguised anger to published reports alleging that the Israel Defense Force is using a new and potentially dangerous interrogation technique: placing detainees at a Sabbath table comprised completely of French Jews. From Paris. Speaking only French. At a slightly elevated noise volume. All… Night… Long… Secretary General Moon explained his objections to the Daily Freier during a break from his busy schedule of not helping to solve the Syrian crisis.
“Israel simply cannot behave in this fashion if it wishes to improve its standing in the Community of Nations. I mean, the mere thought of this activity is horrifying. It reminds me of the time I was trapped in an elevator with François Hollande and Nicolas Sarkozy for 45 minutes during a power outage.”
Israel responded to Secretary Moon’s statement, explaining the effectiveness of the technique. “We only do this with our real hard cases, the tough guys.” stated IDF spokesperson Guy T. “Just last Shabbat we had a Hamas guy on a hunger strike. We put him at a table of new French Olim. By the time of Kiddush he was fidgeting in his seat. Soon he was visibly sweating and talking to himself. Before the Birkat HaMazon he looked me in the eye and said ‘Get me out of here.’ Twenty minutes later he was in his cell eating a falafel.”
When the Daily Freier asked Guy if there was an interrogation technique that would work with a table of American Olim, he said he’d get back to us after more than 5 Americans make Aliyah and stay at least 6 months.
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 3/26/2016 at 8:00 PM
Tel Aviv, Bograshov: In a move described by the city’s in-crowd as “revolutionary”, “earth shattering”, and “paradigm smashing”, an IDF Lone Soldier living in Tel Aviv bought something. Using money. Not at a discounted rate. From a store. Not from Secret Tel Aviv. The Daily Freier rushed to the scene to break this story to the public.
“I needed a hat.” explained Danny as he sipped a beer at a local bar on Bograshov near Ben Yehuda. “I’m going to the Negev for a concert tomorrow and I needed a hat.” Danny, originally from the United States, described his predicament. “I was going to jump on Secret Tel Aviv and ask for a free hat, but my idiot neighbor decided to password protect his Wi-Fi last week, and I didn’t feel like walking down the street to check Facebook outside the Sushi place with a hotspot. So anyway, I was walking down Dizengoff on my way to the Lone Soldier’s Center for dinner, and I was like…..’Hey I need a hat. And they sell hats here.’ So I like, bought. A hat.” Danny stared across the bar in disbelief as the news sunk in. “I know…. I’m just as confused as you are.”
Word of Danny’s extravagant purchase spread like wildfire throughout the Olim Community, with some very strong opinions. “Oh, so I guess Moneybags just ‘buys hats’ now. Must be nice.” chided fellow Lone Soldier Jeremy C. , who continued to criticize Danny’s actions until abruptly ending the conversation a minute later. “Please excuse me. It says on ‘Keep Olim in Israel’ that somebody is moving back to Australia and giving away dry pasta and a futon. I gotta roll.”
As the Daily Freier concluded the interview, Danny asked if we were going to finish our pizza or what.
(AFP PHOTO / LOUAI BESHARA)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 12/20/2015 at 9:30 PM
Tel Aviv, HaKirya: The Israel Defense Force conducted a contentious press conference today, where its spokesperson refused to comment on the empty bag of Bamba snack food and crumpled COFIX Coffee cup found in bushes 50 meters from the site where Samir Kuntar and other Hezbollah-affiliated operatives were
fixed up on a blind date with some virgins killed by missiles early this morning. “The IDF has no comment on these so-called snack foods found at the scene of today’s events.”
THIS ARTICLE IS FEATURED TODAY ON THE TIMES OF ISRAEL! READ THE REST OF THE STORY AT:
(photo credit: Wikipedia)
By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 8/19/2015 at 8:30 PM
Tel Aviv, HaKirya: The Israel Defense Force’s Home Front Command has teamed up with the popular Facebook page Secret Tel Aviv in order to create a real-world door-to-door simulation of the site in case the city experiences a wartime loss of Internet. The Secret Tel Aviv Mobile Team consists of IDF reservists along with veteran Internet trolls of Secret Tel Aviv, under the command of Captain Uri P., a career officer from Home Front Command. The Daily Freier sat down with the Captain to learn more about this exciting development.
“This all started during last summer’s Gaza War. We knew that Hamas was aiming its missiles at Tel Aviv’s critical infrastructure. We also knew that Secret Tel Aviv is responsible for 50% of all commerce in the city for used cosmetics, old shoes, and broken I-Phones. In addition, Secret Tel Aviv is responsible for at least a third of all household repairs in the city, from women asking strange men to come unclog their sinks ‘in exchange for coffee’. So we knew that if Secret Tel Aviv were to go down, it could cripple the city. I mean, how would Olim Hadashim know that they suck and should return to their country of origin if it weren’t for Secret Tel Aviv?” Captain Uri went on to explain how he assembles his team. “If you spend your days on Secret Tel Aviv asking for crowd-sourced advice on your relationship issues, if you try to sell small shampoos that you got from when you stayed in a hotel, if you say ‘Welcome to Israel’ to people who post that their bike got stolen……your country needs you.”
Although the unit officially stood up just this month, The Secret Tel Aviv Team began operating unofficially last summer at the height of the conflict. The Daily Freier spoke to some members of the Tel Aviv public about their experience with Secret Tel Aviv Team.
Alert local Ronit S. described what it was like to see the Secret Tel Aviv Team in action. “The sirens went off at 2 AM, and our building is really old so I grabbed my nieces and nephews and ran down to the basement. We didn’t have any time so we were all in our pajamas. The kids were scared and crying. Then Secret Tel Aviv showed up at the shelter. One of the women started sharing some really personal stuff about what seemed like a serious thyroid condition and asking me for advice. I told her she needed to ask a doctor but she just kept talking. Then another guy showed me an insect that he found in his kitchen and asked me to identify it. Then the Captain said some really inappropriate shit about how I looked in my nightgown.” Ronit continued to describe the night as she fought back tears; “The fact that they risked their lives in order to just totally waste my time……I have never felt more proud to be Israeli.”
Recent Immigrant Jacques L. also described his experience. “I had just made Aliyah from France in June. So when I went to the public shelter during the alert, I didn’t really know anybody. But then Secret Tel Aviv showed up. One guy told me that it was because of me that nobody could afford an apartment, and that I was probably only going to spend 2 months a year there anyway. Also, a woman told me that her washing machine was broken and that she would be really grateful if I came over and fixed it. Then she said ‘wink wink’. I mean I’m French and all but it was still sketchy as hell. Then another guy just started ranting incoherently about FOREX and Binary….It was at that moment that I knew we were all in this together and that Israel is my home. Am Yisrael Chai.”
Captain Uri told the Daily Freier that based on the early success of Secret Tel Aviv, Homefront Command plans to also create a team that in wartime will go door-to-door with the Facebook page “Keeping Olim in Israel” doing everything they can to convince Olim that they’ve made a huge mistake.