Category: The IDF

Aliyah, Dating and Relationships, The IDF

“But I hooked up with a Golani!” American gentile woman pleads case for Aliyah

But I hooked up with a Golani(Sort of Based on a True Story, so we sort of changed the names! DM us for the real ones!)

By Emily Goldstein and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/22/2016 at 8:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Savidor: Sincere fan of Israel and Israeli life “Alison” is bound and determined to make Aliyah, but as a Gentile in semi-good standing, she faces a very uphill fight. Yet Alison has never let small details get in the way of her goals. In fact, Alison is now on her way to the Jewish Agency and Nefesh B’ Nefesh in Jerusalem to plead this case under her very unique reading of the Law of Return, specifically the “hands-on support” she provided to a certain lucky dude in the Israel Defense Force’s Golani Brigade off and on for most of last year.  The Daily Freier caught up with Alison at Savidor Bus Terminal as she prepared to take a bus to Jerusalem to present her case.

“I honestly don’t know what the big deal is. I mean I love it here.  I really like Passover Seders. I love love love Purim. And besides, Nefesh B’Nefesh already decided to accept your Catholic friend from back home who everyone always thought was kinda Jewish anyway. So there’s like precedent and stuff. Also, I can’t wait to start an Aliyah Blog. Nobody ever does that. It will be unique!”

When the Daily Freier challenged Alison that Aliyah is a difficult task even for Jews and must be supported with documentation, she quickly looked us in the eye and cut us off mid-sentence. “Oh, I’ve earned this. Believe me….. I’ve earned this.”

Meanwhile, the Golani soldier at the center of this case who we’ll call “Yonatan”, could not be reached as he was currently on hardship duty, chaperoning a Birthright trip through the Negev. Yet this case has already had dramatic repercussions beyond Golani to units throughout the IDF. Upon hearing of our heroine Alison’s travails, a spokesperson from the Paratroopers indicated that they have extended Liberty next weekend and will be around Tel Aviv by Thursday….plus they have better boots.

UPDATE: In an unexpected bit of good news, the clerk at the Jewish Agency who received Alison’s application also served in Golani so he fast-tracked her Aliyah package……And Oh by the Way, sent her a very…. personal photo…. via fax.

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Aliyah, Hebrew, The IDF

IDF unveils Olah Hadashah Code Talker Unit

Daily Freier Olah Hadashot Code TalkersBy Emily Goldstein and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/15/2016 at 3:10 PM

Tel Aviv, HaKirya: Responding to published reports, the IDF acknowledged the existence of a previously secret unit: an Olah Hadashah Code Talking unit. Inspired by the famed Navajo Code Talkers of World War II who confused the Japanese Army by speaking in a dialect known only to members of their tribe, there is now a unit comprised specifically of women who have recently immigrated from North America. And Operation Yeleda Lavana has so far been an amazing success, confusing and confounding Israel’s enemies.  The Daily Freier was able to somehow secure press credentials and sit in on a Press Conference at the Kirya.

IDF Spokesperson Elad L. explained that despite the natural talents of the recruits, extra training was provided by experts in not being understood in Hebrew, to include Israeli Basketball legend Tal Brody.  When asked why there was not a Code Talker unit of Olim Hadashim, Elad explained that there was only so many times that one can say “Bro” in a radio conversation before it loses its meaning. Finally, Elad played an excerpt of an actual radio exchange from the team.

———————————–

Operator 1: Gimmel Matayim Shalosh? Zot Rachel, Wait, I mean Aleph Arbaim ve Shmonay.

Operator 2: Lo shamati. Lo shamati.

Operator 1:  Eych omrim command post?

Operator 2 (whispering): OMG my mefaked is So. Hot.

Unknown Male Voice: Pardon me you Zionist She-Jackals. This is Ali. You know, from Hezbollah. I am sorry to interrupt but I must correct your use of future tense with the Peh-Gronit.  You appear to be using the incorrect Binyan in your conversation. It is incredibly difficult for me to even follow this dialogue, and I respectfully ask that you stick to Standard Modern Hebrew. Again, I apologize for the interruption to your hegemonic Zionist conversation. Please continue.

Operator 1: Aval like Lo hevanti?

——————————

Elad admitted that Operation Yeleda Lavana experienced a work stoppage this week after the sushi place on Ibn Gavriol stopped delivering.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Aliyah, The IDF

Lone Soldier has “No Idea” where Roommate’s Food Went

Lone Soldier totally not stealing your foodBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 6/5/2016 at 11:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Frischman: Tel Aviv resident Rachel G. is at her wit’s end.  After returning from a weekend in Haifa, her refrigerator is empty. And nobody has been in the apartment except her roommate Danny, a Lone Soldier. Yet Danny has told her that the status of the food is a mystery to him as well.

“I just don’t get it.” Rachel explained. “I mean, we didn’t know each other before he responded to my ad on Secret Tel Aviv, but we get along fine. He’s been really good about finding things on the street for the apartment.  Just last week he found a mattress, a yoga mat, and a guitar.  And when my parents were in town, he was totally cool with coming to dinner with us at Sarona Market. I mean, they paid, but still.” Rachel continued to mull over the situation. “I just feel betrayed. You know, it’s the ketchup packets from Burger Ranch that hurts the most.”

Fellow Lone soldier Jeremy C. shared his suspicions with the daily Freier. “I guess I figured something was up when I stopped by to play Xbox and he offered me a tuna sandwich. Also, he has a new hat. Yeah, something just doesn’t make sense.”

When Jeremy confronted him about his sudden sandwich-production capability, Danny’s alibi was that he already has “lots of canned food that he stole from miluim last week“. Which has the ring of truth to it.

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Birthright, Pride Week, The IDF

“But Birthright said Tel Aviv was nothing but hot Army Chicks!”

But Birthright said Tel Aviv was full of hot Army chicks Daily Freier Israel News(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

This is ridiculous. Birthright are a bunch of damn liars.  According to the brochure I should be riding a camel to a hummus restaurant with like two Army girls by now.  But no. This town is crawling with dudes.  If I wanted a sausage fest, I could have stayed in Jersey for the Summer. I just feel cheated. Especially because I talked so much shit to the bros before I left last week. And now I have no good stories.

And where are all these guys’ clothes?  I don’t get it.  I mean it’s hot out, but not that hot.  It’s hardly June.  And what do all of the flags mean? I just don’t get it.  And why is everyone in such good shape?  That dude over there is ripped.  The cuts on his triceps and abs are ridiculous.  I bet he lifts. I wonder what supplements he uses. Creatine maybe?  I should go ask him.

HaTzarfatim, The IDF, The United Nations

UN Slams IDF after Interrogators place Hamas Prisoner at Shabbat Table of only French Speakers

French Jews(Photo Credit: Jewish Agency)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 4/8/2016 at 10:50 AM

New York, Turtle Bay: United Nations Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon reacted with undisguised anger to published reports alleging that the Israel Defense Force is using a new and potentially dangerous interrogation technique: placing detainees at a Sabbath table comprised completely of French Jews. From Paris. Speaking only French. At a slightly elevated noise volume. All… Night… Long…  Secretary General Moon explained his objections to the Daily Freier during a break from his busy schedule of not helping to solve the Syrian crisis.

“Israel simply cannot behave in this fashion if it wishes to improve its standing in the Community of Nations.  I mean, the mere thought of this activity is horrifying.  It reminds me of the time I was trapped in an elevator with François Hollande  and Nicolas Sarkozy for 45 minutes during a power outage.”

Israel responded to Secretary Moon’s statement, explaining the effectiveness of the technique.  “We only do this with our real hard cases, the tough guys.” stated IDF spokesperson Guy T. “Just last Shabbat we had a Hamas guy on a hunger strike.  We put him at a table of new French Olim. By the time of Kiddush he was fidgeting in his seat. Soon he was visibly sweating and talking to himself.  Before the Birkat HaMazon he looked me in the eye and said ‘Get me out of here.’ Twenty minutes later he was in his cell eating a falafel.”

When the Daily Freier asked Guy if there was an interrogation technique that would work with a table of American Olim, he said he’d get back to us after more than 5 Americans make Aliyah and stay at least 6 months.

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Aliyah, The IDF

Lone Soldier Accidentally Buys Something

Lone Soldier Accidentally Buys Something Daily FreierBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 3/26/2016 at 8:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov: In a move described by the city’s in-crowd as “revolutionary”, “earth shattering”, and “paradigm smashing”, an IDF Lone Soldier living in Tel Aviv bought something.  Using money.  Not at a discounted rate. From a store.  Not from Secret Tel Aviv.  The Daily Freier rushed to the scene to break this story to the public.

“I needed a hat.” explained Danny as he sipped a beer at a local bar on Bograshov near Ben Yehuda. “I’m going to the Negev for a concert tomorrow and I needed a hat.” Danny, originally from the United States, described his predicament. “I was going to jump on Secret Tel Aviv and ask for a free hat, but my idiot neighbor decided to password protect his Wi-Fi last week, and I didn’t feel like walking down the street to check Facebook outside the Sushi place with a hotspot.  So anyway, I was walking down Dizengoff  on my way to the Lone Soldier’s Center for dinner, and I was like…..’Hey I need a hat. And they sell hats here.’ So I like, bought. A hat.” Danny stared across the bar in disbelief as the news sunk in. “I know…. I’m just as confused as you are.”

Word of Danny’s extravagant purchase spread like wildfire throughout the Olim Community, with some very strong opinions. “Oh, so I guess Moneybags just ‘buys hats’ now. Must be nice.” chided fellow Lone Soldier Jeremy C. , who continued to criticize Danny’s actions until abruptly ending the conversation a minute later. “Please excuse me. It says on ‘Keep Olim in Israel’ that somebody is moving back to Australia and giving away dry pasta and a futon.  I gotta roll.”

As the Daily Freier concluded the interview, Danny asked if we were going to finish our pizza or what.

The IDF, Times of Israel

IDF: “No Comment” on Bamba Wrappers, COFIX cup found near body of Samir Kuntar

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(AFP PHOTO / LOUAI BESHARA)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/20/2015 at 9:30 PM

Tel Aviv, HaKirya:  The Israel Defense Force conducted a contentious press conference today, where its spokesperson refused to comment on the empty bag of Bamba snack food and crumpled COFIX Coffee cup found in bushes 50 meters from the site where Samir Kuntar and other Hezbollah-affiliated operatives were fixed up on a blind date with some virgins killed by missiles early this morning.  “The IDF has no comment on these so-called snack foods found at the scene of today’s events.”

THIS ARTICLE IS FEATURED TODAY ON THE TIMES OF ISRAEL! READ THE REST OF THE STORY AT:

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/idf-no-comment-on-bamba-wrappers-cofix-cup-found-near-body-of-samir-kuntar/

 

 

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Secret Tel Aviv, The IDF

IDF Creates Door-to-Door “Secret Tel Aviv” Team In Case of Wartime Loss of Internet

 

(photo credit: Wikipedia)

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/19/2015 at 8:30 PM

Tel Aviv, HaKirya: The Israel Defense Force’s Home Front Command has teamed up with the popular Facebook page Secret Tel Aviv  in order to create a real-world door-to-door simulation of the site in case the city experiences a wartime loss of Internet.   The Secret Tel Aviv Mobile Team  consists of IDF reservists along with veteran Internet trolls of Secret Tel Aviv, under the command of Captain Uri P., a career officer from Home Front Command.  The Daily Freier sat down with the Captain to learn more about this exciting development.

“This all started during last summer’s Gaza War.  We knew that Hamas was aiming its missiles at Tel Aviv’s critical infrastructure.  We also knew that Secret Tel Aviv is responsible for 50% of all commerce in the city for used cosmetics, old shoes, and broken I-Phones.  In addition, Secret Tel Aviv is responsible for at least a third of all household repairs in the city, from women asking strange men to come unclog their sinks ‘in exchange for coffee’.  So we knew that if Secret Tel Aviv were to go down, it could cripple the city.  I mean, how would Olim Hadashim know that they suck and should return to their country of origin if it weren’t for Secret Tel Aviv?”  Captain Uri went on to explain how he assembles his team.  “If you spend your days on Secret Tel Aviv asking for crowd-sourced advice on your relationship issues, if you try to sell small shampoos that you got from when you stayed in a hotel, if you say ‘Welcome to Israel’ to people who post that their bike got stolen……your country needs you.”

Although the unit officially stood up just this month, The Secret Tel Aviv Team began operating unofficially last summer at the height of the conflict. The Daily Freier spoke to some members of the Tel Aviv public about their experience with Secret Tel Aviv Team.

Alert local Ronit S. described what it was like to see the Secret Tel Aviv Team in action. “The sirens went off at 2 AM, and our building is really old so I grabbed my nieces and nephews and ran down to the basement.  We didn’t have any time so we were all in our pajamas.  The kids were scared and crying. Then Secret Tel Aviv showed up at the shelter.  One of the women started sharing some really personal stuff about what seemed like a serious thyroid condition and asking me for advice. I told her she needed to ask a doctor but she just kept talking.  Then another guy showed me an insect that he found in his kitchen and asked me to identify it. Then the Captain said some really inappropriate shit about how I looked in my nightgown.” Ronit continued to describe the night as she fought back tears; “The fact that they risked their lives in order to just totally waste my time……I have never felt more proud to be Israeli.”

Recent Immigrant Jacques L. also described his experience. “I had just made Aliyah from France in June. So when I went to the public shelter during the alert, I didn’t really know anybody.  But then Secret Tel Aviv showed up.  One guy told me that it was because of me that nobody could afford an apartment, and that I was probably only going to spend 2 months a year there anyway.  Also, a woman told me that her washing machine was broken and that she would be really grateful if I came over and fixed it.  Then she said ‘wink wink’.  I mean I’m French and all but it was still sketchy as hell. Then another guy just started ranting incoherently about FOREX and Binary….It was at that moment that I knew we were all in this together and that Israel is my home.  Am Yisrael Chai.”

Captain Uri told the Daily Freier that based on the early success of Secret Tel Aviv, Homefront Command plans to also create a team that in wartime will go door-to-door with the Facebook page “Keeping Olim in Israel” doing everything they can to convince Olim that they’ve made a huge mistake.

Birthright, The IDF

Soldier assigned to Birthright Tour kinda uncomfortable with all the American Girls flirting with Him

 

soldier-assigned-to-birthright-tour-feeling-kinda-uncomfortable-with-all-the-american-girls-flirting-with-him-daily-freier

By Yuval Weiss 

Last Updated 8/10/2015 at 11:40 AM

Mitzpe Ramon, The Negev: IDF soldier Yair G. is currently not feeling completely Okay about all the attention he is receiving from the women on the Birthright Israel trip that he is escorting.  “I’m just not really feeling like I’m in a safe space.” noted a visibly distraught Yair. “I feel like they aren’t interested in me as a living breathing person with real hopes and fears, but rather with an artificial avatar of myself based on my current mode of existence as a young adult fulfilling his mandated national conscription duty.”

Yair went on to explain that he has resorted to lying about his service in an effort to make it seem less glamorous. “I mean, I serve in Golani, but I told ‘Alyssa from Miami’ that I was assigned to the personnel office making copies. Still didn’t change anything.”  As another tour group attendee, known only as “Jess from L.A.” approached Yair, he quickly broke away, saying only “That’s it, I’m telling “Breaking the Silence”.

As the article went to print, approximately 47 members of Yair’s battalion volunteered to take his place, with 10 of them volunteering to extend their military commitment if necessary.