Category: Times of Israel

The story of Chanukah as told by Donald J. Trump

800px-donald_j-_trump_at_marriott_marquis_nyc_september_7th_2016_16(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

(THIS STORY FIRST APPEARED IN THE TIMES OF ISRAEL IN 2016!)

Long time ago. Talking a real long time ago. In the Land of Israel. Boy wouldn’t it be great to buy into the real estate market back then? Wait a sec….so my son-in-law is telling me it was 2200 years ago. Jared Kushner. Smart guy. Very smart guy. I mean he married my daughter, am I right? So he’s telling me that Alexander the Great led a Greek army that came in, and everything was great for a while until it wasn’t. Sounds like Astoria in Queens, right? I’m kidding people. Greeks are great people. Great, great people. Anyway, the next king? Not so good. Antiochus. Bad hombre. Bad bad hombre. Starts telling the Jews what to do. How do you think that’s going to work out? My daughter Ivanka’s a Jew now and I can’t tell her anything! Again, kidding, people. I’ve got the best Jewish grandchildren.

So, Antiochus starts doing some strange stuff. Just real sick stuff. Like telling the Jews to go to the gymnasium and compete in sports totally naked. Just some real pervy Anthony Weiner-style stuff. You know that I had that guy figured out from the beginning? Let me tell you, Huma made the right choice. She can do much better. Much much better. Smart girl. And pretty. Long black hair. Tan. Terrific body. I mean you can tell she goes to the gym, not like some of the other fatties in the Democr…. Wait, I need to cool it a bit. Got me thinking about tic-tacs.

So Antiochus? Bad hombre. And sick. Just really sick. Tried to desecrate the Temple in Jerusalem. With pigs’ blood I hear. Just some real Podesta stuff. So how much is the Temple going for these days? Is it condo? Are there a lot of covenants written into the lease? Is it rent controlled? I gotta tell ya, Netanyahu? Super guy. Great guy. The best. But his economy? Let me ask you, how do you [CENSORED] up an economy in a country full of Jews? Am I right?

Back to the narrative. I tell the best historical narratives. Just the best. So there is this guy named Mattathias, and his sons were a bunch of tough guys. Called themselves the Maccabees. And they don’t like what Antiochus is doing. Real tough guys, these sons. I mean we’re talking Staten Island here. So they start fighting the Greeks. Wait, now my people are saying they’re Syrians. Guys, if you want me to go to my Intel briefs, can we at least get our stories straight?

So Mattathias’ top son. Judah Maccabee. Great general. Superb general. Just a fighter. He attacks the Greek Syrian elephants. Can I ask you something? What kind of an idiot puts elephants in the army? Not while I’m president, I assure you.

So the Jews win. So much winning. After a while the Jews said to the Maccabees: “Guys! Enough winning! We’re tired of winning!” And then they come back to the Temple, and the place is just a mess. A disaster. Sad. Just really sad. But you know what? They fix it up. And now they need to light that big candelabra thing. But get this: They only have enough oil for one day. You know what I say? Drill. Build a pipeline. Don’t listen to those environmental crazies. What the hell do they know? But anyway, the oil lasts a long time. Like eight days. Amazing oil. Just amazing. Terrific oil. The oil they had? The best. Just the best. Can we call it a miracle? I don’t know. I don’t make those rules. Pass me one of those delicious latke things.

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Fidel Castro now enrolled in Professor Arafat’s Civics 101 seminar at Hell Community College

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 11/28/2016 at 7:20 PM

Gehenna: Hell’s newest resident, a Mister Fidel Castro, late of Havana, has wasted no time getting situated in the abode that will be his residence for eternity. Immediately upon arriving in the Netherworld this weekend, Mr. Castro enrolled in classes over at Hell Community College, located on the Fifth Circle, right next to the Hell Convention Center which hosted last Summer’s FOREX Conference.

Like all Totalitarian Dictators, Castro is condemned to spend an eternity in an introductory Civics course, learning over and over and over again the principles of a civil society that maintains the consent of the governed.

(The Daily Freier is published on Times of Israel today. Check it out!)

Kerry Negotiates 7,000 Shekel Cab Ride to Ben Gurion Airport

John Kerry negotiates 7,000 Shekel cab ride to Ben Gurion Airport Daily Freier

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/30/2016 at 4:30 PM

Ben Gurion International Airport: As World Leaders depart Israel after paying their respects to the late Statesman Shimon Peres, United States Secretary of State has added another diplomatic feather to his cap, having successfully negotiated a 7,000 Shekel ($1,800) taxi cab ride from Jerusalem to Ben Gurion International Airport. The Daily Freier spoke with Mr. Kerry at Terminal One about how he successfully secured the price for his 34 mile journey with Shlomo, a Jerusalem cab driver.

Having been in the diplomatic game for some time, I have an appreciation for the subtleties and nuance of Middle Eastern discourse and bargaining that may escape others.” explained the Secretary of State before launching into a small anecdote about how Akko reminds him of Martha’s Vineyard.

(This article appears on Times of Israel today. Click Here to Check it Out!)

 

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‘Narnia’, ‘Endor’, and ‘Palestine’ send teams to the Rio Olympics!

'Narnia’, ‘Endor’, and ‘Palestine’ send teams to the Rio Olympics!

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/4/2016 at 7:30 AM

Rio de Janeiro: Sports fans everywhere are kind of excited, and for good reason: this year will see several make-believe nations compete in the Olympics, to include ‘Narnia’, ‘Middle Earth’, ‘Endor’, ‘Brigadoon’, and ‘Palestine’! The Daily Freier had a chance to talk to some of the Olympic hopefuls about this exciting opportunity.

(The Daily Freier is in the Times of Israel today. Check out the whole article here!)

FOREX holds EXPO in Cyprus after Hell cancels their reservation

FOREX Cyprus Conference Daily Freier

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 6/18/2016 at 10:30 AM

Gehenna: The recent FOREX/Binary Options Expo in Cyprus was by all accounts a fun event for all attendees, but word has leaked that Cyprus was not the Industry’s first choice. Industry gossip pointed to a previously booked venue. FOREX, a niche of the Investment World where the House always seems to win, has gotten a little bad press lately. And responding to published reports, Hell acknowledged today that they cancelled a reservation previously booked by FOREX. The Daily Freier went to Hell (as has been suggested through previous reader feedback) to get the whole story.

THIS ARTICLE IS FEATURED TODAY ON THE TIMES OF ISRAEL! READ THE REST OF THE STORY AT:

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/forex-holds-expo-in-cyprus-after-hell-cancels-their-reservation/

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BBC’s Newest Detective Drama Stars Hanin Zoabi & Margot Wallstrom

Wallstrom and Zoabi

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/15/2016 at 12:30 PM

London- The BBC unveiled its newest show for the Spring lineup with the coming premier of “Wallstrom and Zoabi: Root Causes“ a riveting drama starring Hanin Zoabi and Margot Wallstrom as two no-nonsense detectives who solve crimes while trying to find the perfect work-life balance in a male-dominated world. In addition to Swedish Foreign Minister Wallstrom and Member of Knesset Zoabi (Balad Party), the series also features George Galloway as their gruff but lovable boss at the Police Precinct, as well as MP Jeremy Corbyn as a comically inept Crown Prosecutor who inexplicably receives a big promotion in the season premier. (It is also rumored that he may develop into a possible love interest in future episodes)

THIS ARTICLE IS FEATURED TODAY ON THE TIMES OF ISRAEL! READ THE REST OF THE STORY AT:

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/bbcs-newest-detective-drama-stars-hanin-zoabi-margot-wallstrom/

 

 

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In wacky mix-up, Qatar sends Hamas paycheck to Martin Indyk and Indyk’s paycheck to Hamas!

Miriam Alster:Flash90:File)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/7/2016 at 5:30 PM

Washington: Hijinks ensued today when the Qatari Treasury accidentally sent Martin Indyk’s paycheck to Hamas leader Khaled Mashal and Mashal’s paycheck to Mr. Indyk. However, despite the potential compromise of funds, the entire situation managed to sort itself out after a few hours and several phone calls.

READ THE REST OF THIS ARTICLE TODAY AT THE TIMES OF ISRAEL!

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/in-wacky-mix-up-qatar-sends-hamas-paycheck-to-martin-indyk-and-indyks-paycheck-to-hamas/

 

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