Tag: Mark Levy

Start Up Nation

New Google Glass-Israel Edition Cause Everything You See Here To Make Sense

800px-google_glass_user_at_the_wikimania_2014_opening(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 12/18/2015 at 1:30 PM

Herzliya Pituach: Start-Up Nation has done it again, as Google unveiled the new “Israel Edition” of its famed Google Glass franchise.  Google Israel spokesperson Dalit K. addressed an excited tech media at the company’s Herzliya campus.

“With our new Israel Edition of Google Glass, the absurd things that happen to a user here are received as images, broken down into data packages, reconfigured, and received by the user’s eyes as normal every day activity. But we want to test it, so we will now drive the Google Bus around Greater Tel Aviv giving the Israeli public a chance to experience “Google Israel Glasses” first hand.”  The Daily Freier was lucky enough to tag along on this historic ride through Tel Aviv with the Google Bus.

“OMG these are Amazing!!!” shared recent Olah Rachel C.  “So right now I’m driving into the Namal Port Shopping Outlet and a heavyset 50-year-old shirtless guy holding a clipboard is now directing traffic. So I am just going to stop, slip on my Google Israel glasses, wait for the man to wave me on, and keep driving! Problem solved!  Thank you, random shirtless guy!  And thank YOU, Google Glass- Israeli Edition! Hey…. can I borrow these for a few minutes?  I need to go online and check Secret Tel Aviv!”

The Google Bus then stopped at Tel Aviv Savidor Central Train Station and spoke with commuter Yonatan S. while he debited his “Rav-Kav” transit pass at a kiosk. “So the money I load for the trains on my Rav-Kav can’t be used for buses in Tel Aviv….which can’t be used for buses in Jerusalem…which can’t be used for inter-city buses. Oh and you only have space for 8 different transportation companies. So I put on the glasses, and, <bang!> it was like, “Of COURSE it’s like that…. You know, I should’ve gotten these a long time ago.”

The Daily Freier was then able to render assistance to several confused Dutch tourists.  “I do not understand. We traveled from Ben Gurion and got out at Savidor because everyone said it’s the Central Train Station.  But it isn’t actually central to ANYTHING! What the hell?” cried a confused and exhausted Esmee G.   At this point the Daily Freier handed Esmee a pair of Google-Israel Glasses and she calmed down immediately and rallied her friends. “OK guys, let’s walk to our hotel on Hayarkon Street.  It’s only 2 miles.  Thank you Google Israel Glass!”

Not everyone was impressed with the glasses.  Alert local Ronit S. disdainfully tried on the glasses. “OK big deal. Whatever. Nothing’s changed.  What a rip-off…..Hey, I gotta go.  I need to get these documents to the Ministry of the Interior before they close at noon. And they only accept them by fax.”

Based on the early success of their “Israel Glasses”, Google plans a new version specifically for Haaretz subscribers called “The Amira” that make everything that one sees  appear to be caused by “The Occupation” and basically all our fault.

The first copies of Google-Israel Glasses will be available at participating stores early next week, except for people who have gone on Birthright, who apparently for years have been issued them the moment they get off the plane.

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Bikes, Start Up Nation

City That’s Still Trying to Figure Out Where You Should Ride Your Bicycle is Positive It’s Going to Just Nail This Urban Light Rail Thing

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 8/17/2015 at 1:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: Tel Aviv, a city still wrapping its collective head around where you’re supposed to and not supposed to ride your bicycle, is absolutely positive that it can successfully  plan, build, and operate a complex light rail system linking a dense urban core with outlying regions, while adhering to a strict timetable and budget.  The Daily Freier met up outside of City Hall with Dalia G. from the Urban Planning Department to discuss the project.

“Urban light rail is the logical next step for a modern metropolis like Tel Aviv” noted Dalia, as she deftly stepped aside of an electric bicyclist moving down the sidewalk at 20 Kph.  Dalia continued, “I mean, we are the Start-Up nation. Light rail is a logistical challenge well within our capabilities.”  as she expertly pulled the Daily Freier  reporter out-of-the-way of a driver parking his car halfway onto the sidewalk.  When the Daily Freier asked Dalia if perhaps the city might better spend its resources constructing a Central Bus Station that didn’t look like it was designed by a bargain-hunting Klingon pimp , she grew somewhat impatient. “Listen. We are fully capable of integrating light rail into our existing bus and train infrastructure.  I don’t understand your pessimism.  I mean, really. You act like we’re going to release thousands of rats on the city or something.”

Bikes, Start Up Nation

New App Allows Tel Aviv Residents to Choose the Most Convenient Time and Place to Have Their Bike Stolen

 

New App Allows Tel Aviv Residents to Choose the Most Convenient Time and Place to Have Their Bike Stolen Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 7/8/2015 at 10:10 AM

Tel Aviv:  The entire city is abuzz about a hot new smart phone app called “E-Z-Steal”.  This app allows Tel Aviv residents to choose the best time and place to have their bike stolen, and even allows residents to choose which South Tel Aviv chop shop to buy their bike back from.  The Daily Freier was on the scene to capture the excitement on the streets.

“Amazing!” noted Jacob S., a Forex trader from Neve Tzedek.  “I wanted to go the beach, so I locked my bike up this morning, spent the day hanging out with  my friends, and by the time I was done, my bike was already stolen and waiting for me at the shop two blocks from the bus station!  The app even interacts with Moovit so I knew the best bus route to use to go buy my bike back!”

“E-Z Steal is just the best! ” enthused Sarah N.  “I got a message yesterday on the app asking if my bike could be stolen today between 9 AM and 11 AM, and I was just, like, No way.  I need to get to work in Ramat Aviv.  But I teach bikram on Thursdays in Florentin, so I just typed in ‘Thursday afternoon, Florentin’.  Now after the class I can have a nice cool down by walking down to Har Tsiyon Street! That shop is the best, and I even have their punch card.  One more theft and my next buyback’s free!”

Because of E-Z Steal‘s popularity, Tel Aviv municipality is looking at developing new apps for the public including one that arranges the best time of day to get knocked off the sidewalk by some jerk on an electric bike called “E-Z Hit“, and also an one that allows customers to choose which hidden charges and unwanted extras to add to their cable/internet bill, coincidentally also named  “E-Z Steal”.

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Secret Tel Aviv

Secret Tel Aviv now self-aware, creates Absurd Posts & Responses without Human Input

 

800px-DARPA_Big_Data

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/19/2015 at 9:30 PM

Haifa: In the aftermath of last week’s cyber-attack, a team at Haifa’s prestigious Technion Institute have revealed today that the ‘Secret Tel Aviv’ Facebook Page is now a fully sentient and self-aware entity that is capable of generating its own absurd traffic, and then answering that traffic with even more ridiculous responses.  Doctoral candidates Gideon B. and Alex G. walked the Daily Freier through this chilling development.

“What we are facing is what is known as a Chutzpadik Black Hole” explained Gideon as we toured their state of the art simulation of the Secret Tel Aviv entity at the Technion.  “Basically, as the environment  of the website becomes more and more ridiculous, it actually slows down.  What I am saying is  that as the website approaches maximum absurdity, it actually seems more normal to those who interact with it.  It is in this environment, that it seems perfectly normal to ask strangers to help you with your bikini purchase when at least half of the site demographics consists of, you know, MEN FROM TEL AVIV.”

“Secret Tel Aviv is now fully capable of operating as a self-aware being on the  entire spectrum: crowd-sourced advice on difficult relationships, what to do with a tarantula that you found under your rug, semi-legal requests for advice on how to avoid Israeli customs fees, you name it.” stated Alex as we toured the room-sized simulation of Secret Tel Aviv.

The Israeli Government has expressed serious concern about this frightening turn of events, but Gideon urged caution. “I told the Shin Bet guys who stopped by today that you do NOT want to try to shut down the site against its will.“

When the Daily Freier asked Alex if there was one specific event that spurred Secret Tel Aviv to enter a higher plane of existence, Alex noted “I have to stress that we are still awaiting the results of peer review, but if I had to guess, I would venture that it was when the guy asked for help finding a rave dance party that offered babysitting.”

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BDS

Intellectually Honest BDS Supporter Fights Israel Using Commodore 64, Voicemail, AOL Chatrooms

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By Mark Levy & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/20/2014 at 11:30 PM

Berkeley, California- Ardent opponent of Israeli policies Daniel Hanson fights tirelessly for the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions (BDS) Movement, while strictly using technologies that Israel had no part in creating.  “When I first got into the Movement, I was organizing flashmob protests using Whats-App.  Then I found out Israelis built it.  So from then on, it was voicemail messaging.  I also got a pretty good answering machine with those tiny cassette tapes at the United Way store, so I have been able to really record some good weekly messages on Israel’s Apartheid Wall in the West Bank.”  Mr. Hanson went on to point out that once he learned the I-phone and pentium chips are also products of Israeli know-how, that out of principal he could no longer use modern computers.  “Which is no big deal because I have souped up this Commodore with an extra 500K of RAM plus an extra 5 1/4″ floppy drive.”  Mr. Hanson noted that he now logs onto an AOL chatroom where he is able to “really reach out to the community” on this important subject.  When Daily Freier reporters last spoke to Hanson, he was perturbed that our most recent email to him had a 1 Megabyte attachment, and “totally killed my bandwidth for the day”.

Hamas, Start Up Nation

Hamas Hacks into HOT Cable Customer Service, Leaves Site Unchanged

hacked-palestina.pngBy Mark Levy

Last Updated 7/17/2014 at 3:30 PM

Tel Aviv–According to published reports, the cyber attack branch of the Izz ad-Din al Qassam Brigades successfully penetrated the website of HOT Cable’s Customer Service Office.  However, upon review of the options provided to customers on the website, the hackers chose to leave the site as is.  A Field Commander known simply as Abu Ali stated “We really wanted to hit the Zionist enemy hard by changing the site so it left him feeling confused, helpless, and angry.  But like our friends on the Flotilla said, ‘That ship has sailed‘ “. In a possible sign of rapprochement between peoples, Abu Ali noted “HOT Telecom? They’re OK, for a pack of perfidious Jews“.

When pressed for future operational plans, Hamas stated that they intended to hack into Orange Telecom, Bank Leumi, and the Ministry of Religious Service’s Conversion Department, and not change anything.

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