Tag: Mark Levy

Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living December 3, 2016February 24, 2019

Tired of being judged, Tel Aviv realtor now telling friends he’s a stripper

By Mark Levy and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 12/3/2016 at 10:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Ben Yehuda Street: Local real estate agent “Ron” is a little tired of the disrespect he receives from strangers, friends, and certain family members for his chosen vocation. Friends crossing the street when they see him. Dates getting up halfway through the sushi when he tells them what he does for a living. Certain cousins ‘forgetting’ to invite them to their wedding (looking at you, Meirav). So he has decided to take a stand. Ron is going to confront his detractors and say ‘Hey! Real estate agents are the engines of the…” Just kidding. He is going to lie his tuchus off. As of last Tuesday, Ron has begun telling his friends and family and neighbors that he quit his real estate job to pursue a career as a male stripper. Ron explained.

“So every day, my brother drops me off at Atarim Square on his way to work. And he thinks I am going to my ‘job’ as a stripper. But once he’s out of sight, I go to the parking lot, and change out of my leather chaps and cowboy hat and put on my realtor clothes. I know that I’m living a lie, but people have just started treating me so much nicer since I started doing this. I finally feel that I’m part of society. Am Yisrael Chai.”

In order to get all the facts, the Daily Freier decided to interview a few key personnel, starting with Ron’s Yenta Aunt, Nava. “I am so glad Ron quit his job as a realtor. Now stripper, that’s a step up. I mean, he needs to do a few more sit-ups and maybe actually try to bench his own weight, but nobody’s perfect.”

The Daily Freier was also able to speak with Ron’s neighborhood juice guy on the corner, Naor, who shared his philosophy on this topic. “I’m actually proud of him. He needs to stay away from that Real Estate Agent Balagan. Listen…… yesterday at my shop somebody compared Tel Aviv realtors to Hamas. But there are differences. One of these groups has a worldview completely at odds with the Israeli public, makes outrageous demands, and seems to hate Israelis personally….. and the other one has some missiles and is based in Gaza.”

While Ron is still committed to the whole realtor thing, he has begun doing some research on what an actual male stripper would earn by checking Secret Tel Aviv, and he has to admit, switching professions is tempting.

As the Daily Freier ended the interview with Ron and got up to leave the coffee shop, he asked us for 6000 Shekels plus VAT “because I found this place and opened the door for you“.

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Guest Writer Wednesday, Start Up Nation November 30, 2016November 30, 2016

“OMG Why is this Israeli honking at me??!” We have the answers.

By Mia Deych and Mark Levy

Last Updated 11/30/2016 at 8:00 PM

Herzliya: Start-up Nation is burning up the news feed again, and this is why: A new app that helps you to understand the reason(s) why at any given time an Israeli is honking at you.

If getting honked at baffles and puzzles you, the new app will finally give you a comprehensive answer. A Herzliya-based start-up developed unique sound sensors that not only analyze…..just kidding. They actually just stole the algorithms from the Shazam app and rewrote them to analyze car horns instead of songs. But they did make it possible to link to your Facebook or Snapchat to meet new friends or find a one-night shidduch.

Reasons why Israelis honk include but are not limited to:
· They hate you
· They like you
· They’re hitting on you
· They are going to hit your car
· They are being mischievous
· They are being meticulous
· They’re sorry

One of the first Beta-Test users, South African Olah Jessy shared her insights: “This app has turned my driving experience upside down! I used to think it was all ceaseless road rage or blunt rudeness, but now I make new friends every time I hit the road. Driving to work and back has become so much fun!”

Taxi driver Yossi said that this app is even more useful than GetTaxi. “Each time I see an old friend or a pretty girl, I want to talk to them, but it’s hard to get through the Balagan of all the honking. The app helps me to…” Yossi got distracted and started honking at our friend Jessy as she was parking her car on the sidewalk. His honk could’ve been interpreted as “You’re not allowed to park here”, but based on Yossi’s previous history, the app automatically deduced that he was inviting her for a hookup and/or Shabbat dinner with his extended family.

Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living September 10, 2016September 25, 2016

Following success of Tel Aviv Discount Pharmacy, Experts shocked that country full of Jews enjoys paying lower prices for stuff

By Mia Deych, Mark Levy, and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/10/2016 at 2:20 PM

Tel Aviv, HaMelech George: With the continued success of Tel Aviv’s new Discount Pharmacy “Good Pharm“, experts are shaking their heads at a shocking phenomena: that a city and country with lots and lots of Jews in it would be attracted by the opportunity to pay lower prices for goods and services.

“I didn’t see this coming. Not in a million years.” explained Hebrew University Economics Professor Yair G. “I just kind of thought that the Israeli public would be a bit more hesitant to go to a store just because the exact same items cost less there.”

Gila C., from Israel’s Ministry of Finance, was equally dumbfounded. “The actions of the public, they just don’t make sense. According to our charts, the public would want to spend a bit of extra money supporting Superpharm’s business model of charging higher prices for common household items.” Gila took a long sip from her coffee and stared out of her office window into the distance. “I know this sounds crazy, but it’s almost as if opening up the economy to competition actually lowers prices and benefits the public.”

Tel Aviv residents could not hide their excitement about the new store. The Daily Freier spoke with Alert Local Ronit S. as she exited the store with several bags of items. “This place is amazing! I live in the Old North, so it isn’t always convenient to shop here. But when I read about it on Secret Tel Aviv, I had to check it out. Anyway, I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month, and it’s not really going anywhere. But he lives just one block over from Good Pharm, so I just don’t want to end things until I figure stuff out. Or until, you know, Good Pharm opens something up near the Namal.”

Superpharm, for its part, is not taking the new competition lying down. Starting next week, it will launch a new campaign to lure back customers by raising prices on select items.

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Dating and Relationships, ISIS, Start Up Nation September 8, 2016September 25, 2016

Tel Aviv Startup Launches ‘Al-Qaedate”: a dating App for the Lonely Jihadists of the Sinai

By Mia Deych, Mark Levy, and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/8/2016 at 3:20 PM

Sinai Peninsula: A Tel Aviv-based startup has launched a hot new dating app called Al-Qaedate. At first blush, it seems to be quite similar to Tinder (pictures, swiping, matching, chatting), but as explained to us by one of the developers, Ido, it’s obviously NOT.

“The dating scene in Sinai is quite hot, but the opportunities are dry.” explained Ido as we met him for a cup of coffee near Azrieli Center. “That’s why we launched Al-Qaedate. One of the key features of the app is that it’s designed for both sheep and human, and they have equal opportunities to swipe left or un-match those whose behavior turns shady or inappropriate.”

Just to be sure, The Daily Freier went down to the dusty paths of Sinai to find out what’s going on for ourselves. Once there, we met up with recent ISIS recruit Achmad, a big fan of the app. Achmad introduced us to his current sheepfriend, whom he met thanks to the new app. She asked to be referred to in this story by her Online Profile “WadiGirlRepresenting” because her family is “like super old-school“. WadiGirl explained what drew her to the app. “Guys around here are ridiculous. This one guy seemed nice, but he swiped right on me and then the next week on one of my girlfriends from back at the Oasis. I mean, we’re in the same flock…..We talk.” Then WadiGirl’s conversation turned to a more serious subject. “I just got out of a toxic relationship with a guy from al-Nusra” she disclosed as her voice cracked. “I’m looking for someone who has real feelings and respects me as a sheep, not as someone just to pass time with.” Achmad encouragingly hugged WadiGirl and whispered something in her ear.

Other members of ISIS have high expectations on the new app, too. “I used to be on Tinder, but most of the sheep look nothing like their pictures.” noted Hasan. “No full body shots, just angles and side views. Or pictures with their girlfriends from the same flock. How can I guess who she is? And why do they always write ‘Serious Guys Only?’ I’m not ready for commitment. I mean, life’s been hectic recently…..drone strikes, schisms within Jihadist organizations based on whether to immediately pursue a Caliphate, stuff like that. I just hope this new app offers more choices.”

Back in Tel Aviv, we confronted the Management of Al-Qaedate for aiding the Enemy and told them that they were bringing more shame to Israel than any other business. But then they reminded us about FOREX.

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Dating and Relationships, FOREX/Binary Options, Secret Tel Aviv July 26, 2016March 2, 2017

Woman on Secret Tel Aviv seeking live-in Boy Toy is just FOREX Human Resources

By Mia Deych, Mark Levy, and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 7/26/2016 at 1:10 PM

(DISCLAIMER: TODAY THE FREIER IS TOTALLY NOT SAFE FOR WORK!)

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Recently, a woman posted on Secret Tel Aviv seeking a roommate under…… “special conditions”. The Daily Freier was going to try to explain the post, but whatever we say won’t do it justice:

Anyhoo, Secret Tel Aviv being Secret Tel Aviv, the readers reacted with a mixture of shock and anger that….. JUST KIDDING….. the men of Tel Aviv went on Full RED ALERT and sprang into action, replying with such important questions as:

Does the apartment have a dishwasher?
As a flatmate, I can also bring a kitten.
Pick Me I’m Jewish!
Can I bring my Barbie Dolls?
Keep Kosher?

Despite the story seeming to be just an innocent request for a live-in sex object, the truth is far more sinister: the entire set-up was simply a ruse by a woman who works in the Human Resources section of a prominent FOREX company in Ramat Gan, and the men who responded found themselves not in a Get-Your-Freak-On scenario, but a Binary Options Job Interview. The Daily Freier waited outside the Apartment and conducted Exit Interviews with the traumatized men of Tel Aviv as they learned the bitter truth.

As he left her apartment, local guy Shai (from the coffee kiosk) said “I’m into experiments, but this pushed my boundaries WAY too far. I might be a submissive, but I’m not into Cold-Calling torture!”

We then spoke with recent French Oleh David as he skulked away in shame. “I walked into the interview thinking I was, how do you say, ‘Overqualified?’ Because I am… French? But I’m into bondage, not Binary Bondage.”

Yet there was somebody who DID seem OK with the arrangement, but wished to remain anonymous. The Daily Freier asked the Mystery Man if he had any comments. “Yeah, can you adjust my leather collar? It’s itchy.”

We actually volunteered to check out all of the details of the arrangement. Just as advertised, They DO provide lunch and breakfast. There ARE good showers on site. If you work night-shift, there ARE beds. The only thing we couldn’t figure out was…..uhhhhh….. this:

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Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living July 22, 2016January 15, 2021

Tel Aviv trademarks its “Dry Pee on the Sidewalk” scent

By Aaron Pomerantz and Mark Levy

Last Updated 7/22/2016 at 5:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Allenby: The City of Tel Aviv just took deliberate steps to safeguard a critical aspect of its culture and “Brand” today: that smell of dried pee that permeates every sidewalk, especially Allenby Street. Early this morning Tel Aviv registered as a Trade-Mark the smell of dried urine on a hot and dusty sidewalk that makes Tel Aviv so special. Municipality Cultural Affairs Chairperson Safir H. took the Daily Freier on a walking tour of Central Tel Aviv this morning as she explained the City’s endeavor.

“We had to act quickly” explained Safir. “We heard that Athens and Rome were trying to muscle us out of the industry. And ever since Greece sued other countries that made feta cheese (NOTE: This really happened), we knew that they meant business. Rome and Athens are fine I guess. But I’m sorry. It’s just not the same as smelling a Tel Aviv sidewalk on a hot summer afternoon.”

The Daily Freier asked Safir how Tel Aviv’s streets were different from other countries where the sidewalks smell like pee. “I can’t quite explain it., but not all sidewalks that smell like pee are the same. Some say it’s our Mediterranean diet. Some say it’s the coffee hafuch. Some say it’s the hummus. Some say its the chutzpah. All I can say is that if you have never experienced Tel Aviv in the Summer, you need to come smell the Excitement!“

As Safir walked us around, she stopped at one particularly bad-smelling alley between Allenby and Shuk HaCarmel and started looking at the sidewalk. “Wait….. there is a hint of sunflower seeds and bamba in the aroma here. I think I know the artist who created this!” Safir then turned toward a middle aged heavyset man reading a newspaper at a nearby taxi stand. “Shlomo! Was this you????” she asked in mock anger, at which point the man grinned sheepishly and shrugged his shoulders.

The City of Tel Aviv claims that it will begin marketing the scent at those kiosks that sell Dead Sea Products all over the world. They also plan on marketing automobile air fresheners that make your car smell like the Number 5 Sherut.

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HaTzarfatim, The IDF, The United Nations April 8, 2016April 4, 2019

UN Slams IDF after Interrogators place Hamas Prisoner at Shabbat Table of only French Speakers

French Jews (Photo Credit: Jewish Agency)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 4/8/2016 at 10:50 AM

New York, Turtle Bay: United Nations Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon reacted with undisguised anger to published reports alleging that the Israel Defense Force is using a new and potentially dangerous interrogation technique: placing detainees at a Sabbath table comprised completely of French Jews. From Paris. Speaking only French. At a slightly elevated noise volume. All… Night… Long… Secretary General Moon explained his objections to the Daily Freier during a break from his busy schedule of not helping to solve the Syrian crisis.

“Israel simply cannot behave in this fashion if it wishes to improve its standing in the Community of Nations. I mean, the mere thought of this activity is horrifying. It reminds me of the time I was trapped in an elevator with François Hollande and Nicolas Sarkozy for 45 minutes during a power outage.”

Israel responded to Secretary Moon’s statement, explaining the effectiveness of the technique. “We only do this with our real hard cases, the tough guys.” stated IDF spokesperson Guy T. “Just last Shabbat we had a Hamas guy on a hunger strike. We put him at a table of new French Olim. By the time of Kiddush he was fidgeting in his seat. Soon he was visibly sweating and talking to himself. Before the Birkat HaMazon he looked me in the eye and said ‘Get me out of here.’ Twenty minutes later he was in his cell eating a falafel.”

When the Daily Freier asked Guy if there was an interrogation technique that would work with a table of American Olim, he said he’d get back to us after more than 5 Americans make Aliyah and stay at least 6 months.

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Dating and Relationships, FOREX/Binary Options, Start Up Nation April 6, 2016April 26, 2018

Tel Aviv Man Turns Down Hookup “Because She Works in FOREX”

FOREXIUS UPDATE: People Of Tel Aviv! This is satire! We made it all up! Please stop hassling the guy in the photo. He did not say or do the things in this article!

But FOREX still sucks.

Hugs,
The Daily Freier

————————-

By Mark Levy and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 4/6/2016 at 7:50 AM

Tel Aviv, Kerem HaTeimanim: Local guy Tzion likes women. A lot. We mean, like a lot a lot. In fact, on a trip to Rome, a man in the piazza once admonished Tzion to be more subtle and nuanced in his pickup attempts….. But there are things that even he won’t do when it comes to the pursuit of women. Like hook up with a girl who works in FOREX or Binary Options. Tzion sat down with the Daily Freier to explain the moral stand he is taking.

“So everything started fine. We were listening to Johnny Cash songs, and I was explaining to her how each song was really about sex. You might call this crazy, but I call this ‘Tuesdays’ …… And then it gets even better……. She says she wants to meet up later that night but she that she didn’t want a relationship because she was headed to South America tomorrow for 3 months. And her housemates are out-of-town. Oh yeah and she’s a twin.”

“So anyway, after a half hour she told me to meet at her apartment on Balfour but that she had to get up early for work. I asked her where she worked and she said “FOREX” …….. So I told her that I had to take care of a sick friend and then wash my hair. Then I walked home.”

The Daily Freier challenged Tzion on how he could turn down such an opportunity, but he was adamant. “There have to be standards of conduct in society. I mean, if I went home with her, I couldn’t live with myself. FOREX is like selling your soul. And you’re talking to a guy who has changed his IP address 3 times to get around the Administrators of J-Date and their stupid rules about fake profiles.”

Tzion continued to explain his code of conduct. “Look, everyone has issues. I mean, I’ve been banned from Secret Tel Aviv six times. And last year I got busted by the Misrad HaPnim for impersonating an Oleh from Argentina so that I could hook up with French girls in Ulpan. But FOREX and Binary options? That just goes beyond the limits of good taste.”

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Aliyah March 31, 2016June 9, 2018

American Woman Feared Missing After Failing to Start Blog Within 72 Hours of Aliyah

(Photo Credit: Nefesh B’Nefesh)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 3/31/2016 at 1:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Derech HaYarkon: The concerned family of an American Olah Hadashah flew to Israel early this morning after receiving no indication that their daughter Sarah had started a Blog about her life in Israel since arriving on Monday. Sarah, a recent graduate of UNC Chapel Hill, arrived on a Nefesh B’Nefesh flight and has yet to create an online platform to describe her interactions with the juice guy on the corner, how to buy fruit in the Shuk, or how silly the ‘newbies’ on the Birthright tour look. Her parents, Leah and David P. of Lexington, Massachusetts, met with Consular Officials before holding a joint press conference at the United States Embassy in Tel Aviv.

“We’re just looking for a sign that she’s OK, like maybe a really, really, really long story about the kindly Russian-speaking grandmother who stopped to help her when she was lost and crying in Shuk HaCarmel before Shabbat.” said a despondent Leah P. “I’m not saying I would actually read it, but it would still be a relief.”

“I just wish she would do an “Only in Israel” entry like her Cousin Melissa always does on that Blog she writes.” stated her father. When The Daily Freier pressed David for details that would indicate such an entry, he admitted that he had never actually “read” any of Melissa’s entries, but rather subcontracted the task to Dylan, his 12 year old son. Dylan, who would read the entries and provide his father a typed “Cliff’s Notes” version suitable for feigning familiarity with the blog when Melissa Skyped them, was currently charging his dad $10 per Blog post or $15 in credit for Minecraft upgrades.

Dylan, who described his cousin Melissa’s Blog as “Lame“, “Stupid“, and “Eat, Pray, Love only whiter” vowed that if his sister was OK and started blogging, he would charge his dad “Like 20 Bucks or something” to read any of Sarah’s future entries. Dylan smiled and turned to his father on the conference room podium. “And every time she posts an entry that says ‘OMG breakfast in Israel is A-MA-ZING’ I’m charging an extra 5 Bucks….. 10 if she also Instagrams the food.”

UPDATE: A U.S. Embassy spokesperson happily announced that Sarah is alive and well and “hanging out at Mike’s Place”. The spokesperson went on to explain that Sarah failed to start a Blog because she was busy creating a new Facebook page dedicated to Israel Advocacy and pictures of her new life here to include documenting the coffee hafuch she purchased from Aroma yesterday, a guy on a bicycle walking 12 dogs on Ben Yehuda Street, and a matkot game on Metzitzim Beach. Her relieved parents promised they would check it out. But they were lying.

Start Up Nation December 18, 2015August 9, 2018

New Google Glass-Israel Edition Cause Everything You See Here To Make Sense

800px-google_glass_user_at_the_wikimania_2014_opening (Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 12/18/2015 at 1:30 PM

Herzliya Pituach: Start-Up Nation has done it again, as Google unveiled the new “Israel Edition” of its famed Google Glass franchise. Google Israel spokesperson Dalit K. addressed an excited tech media at the company’s Herzliya campus.

“With our new Israel Edition of Google Glass, the absurd things that happen to a user here are received as images, broken down into data packages, reconfigured, and received by the user’s eyes as normal every day activity. But we want to test it, so we will now drive the Google Bus around Greater Tel Aviv giving the Israeli public a chance to experience “Google Israel Glasses” first hand.” The Daily Freier was lucky enough to tag along on this historic ride through Tel Aviv with the Google Bus.

“OMG these are Amazing!!!” shared recent Olah Rachel C. “So right now I’m driving into the Namal Port Shopping Outlet and a heavyset 50-year-old shirtless guy holding a clipboard is now directing traffic. So I am just going to stop, slip on my Google Israel glasses, wait for the man to wave me on, and keep driving! Problem solved! Thank you, random shirtless guy! And thank YOU, Google Glass- Israeli Edition! Hey…. can I borrow these for a few minutes? I need to go online and check Secret Tel Aviv!”

The Google Bus then stopped at Tel Aviv Savidor Central Train Station and spoke with commuter Yonatan S. while he debited his “Rav-Kav” transit pass at a kiosk. “So the money I load for the trains on my Rav-Kav can’t be used for buses in Tel Aviv….which can’t be used for buses in Jerusalem…which can’t be used for inter-city buses. Oh and you only have space for 8 different transportation companies. So I put on the glasses, and, <bang!> it was like, “Of COURSE it’s like that…. You know, I should’ve gotten these a long time ago.”

The Daily Freier was then able to render assistance to several confused Dutch tourists. “I do not understand. We traveled from Ben Gurion and got out at Savidor because everyone said it’s the Central Train Station. But it isn’t actually central to ANYTHING! What the hell?” cried a confused and exhausted Esmee G. At this point the Daily Freier handed Esmee a pair of Google-Israel Glasses and she calmed down immediately and rallied her friends. “OK guys, let’s walk to our hotel on Hayarkon Street. It’s only 2 miles. Thank you Google Israel Glass!”

Not everyone was impressed with the glasses. Alert local Ronit S. disdainfully tried on the glasses. “OK big deal. Whatever. Nothing’s changed. What a rip-off…..Hey, I gotta go. I need to get these documents to the Ministry of the Interior before they close at noon. And they only accept them by fax.”

Based on the early success of their “Israel Glasses”, Google plans a new version specifically for Haaretz subscribers called “The Amira” that make everything that one sees appear to be caused by “The Occupation” and basically all our fault.

The first copies of Google-Israel Glasses will be available at participating stores early next week, except for people who have gone on Birthright, who apparently for years have been issued them the moment they get off the plane.

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Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.