Month: August 2016

Tel Aviv woman delays breakup with mazgan repairman boyfriend until Sukkot

Tel Aviv Woman break up mazgan boyfriend Sukkot Daily Freier

By Mia Deych and Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 8/12/2016 at 11:10 AM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Yesterday our Dating and Relationships  columnists Emily and Mia caught up over coffee with their friend Noa from Ulpan. Noa, a returning Israeli who grew up in New York, has been dating an air conditioning repairman named Avi since June. And things aren’t going that well. But she’s not ready to give up on the relationship yet, because it’s still kind of hot out and stuff. Noa had a lot to say on this topic and we didn’t actually get a chance to say more than four words in three hours, but we did get to stalk the guy on Facebook while Noa told her story.

“So we met and then spent like two days in a row together. On the second afternoon his mom and aunt picked us up and we drove to Petah Tikvah for his cousin’s wedding. At first I didn’t think we were actually going to a wedding because he was wearing flip-flops, cutoff jeans and a white tee-shirt. But in Avi’s defense, the groom was wearing a tank top.”

Noa explained her mixed feelings. “So he’s good on paper for a Tel Aviv guy.  I mean it’s not like he actually has his shit together. He lives with four roommates and a friendly mold colony in their shower.  He still brings his laundry home to his mom in Holon on the weekends.  But  he studies at Open University from home. He wants to open his own business.  So he has potential. Maybe I should just give it some time. Like, you know, until the First Rain or something.”

So after coffee we all ordered pancakes and Noa began to feel a bit nostalgic. “We’ve had some good times together. Like the time in July when he replaced the coolant unit on my mazgan…..And the time 2 weeks ago when he replaced the filters. He’s really good with his hands.” Noa leaned in closer and dropped her voice to a whisper. “I mean MAMASH good.

But we’ve been together like 7 weeks. In Tel Aviv.  That’s the equivalent of 2 years on Planet Earth.” Noa checked the seven-day weather forecast on her I-Phone. “Things have cooled a bit.” Noa paused. “Between me and Avi I mean………I just don’t feel like we’re meant to be together.”

Later on, Emily and Mia ran into Avi on the street, who shared that he knows his relationship with Noa is in trouble, but he has a backup plan: trolling Secret Tel Aviv looking for women who need help installing shelves or hanging pictures.  Emily thinks Avi is kind of cute and wants to check back with him after Sukkot. Like, just to make sure he’s Okay and stuff.

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Drama in the Tel Aviv Yoga Community

800px-PikiWiki_Israel_43727_International_day_of_Yoga_2015

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Chakra Rich

Last Updated 8/10/2016 at 7:30 AM

Tel Aviv, Florentin: In an effort to prove once and for all to the rest of the nation that Tel Aviv is NOT a den of frivolous weirdos, the city has decided to wage a debate between yoga enthusiasts and pilates nuts. And since it involves Israel, this debate has captured the attention of people who don’t live in Israel but still have a lot to say about Israel anyway.  For example, the World Council of Pilates is demanding fairer rights for Pilatians in Israel. Council Chairperson Helen Hartuchus explained.

There is incredible discrimination in Israel regarding Pilates. From the government down to the streets they only discuss Yoga. Yoga, yoga, yoga. They only practice Yoga. They do Yoga at festivals. Yoga in the street. Yoga on the beach. Several Israelis who wish to practice Pilates approached me and say they just don’t feel part of everyday society. They feel in some ways alienated. Israel talks of being a free society but it is just not the case for Pilates Students.

Meanwhile born-again Yoga students are protesting too…. against other forms of yoga! Hatha Yoga, the traditional and original form of Yoga,  claims to be the more spiritual form of practice. It ‘claims‘ to be the true way to connect with our internal energies and the Universe as a whole.  Yet some people out there don’t practice Hatha and now feel they are being discriminated against.

Florentin resident Yonatan, who was very inflexible when he started but who can now touch his toes and sit cross-legged while eating muesli, shared his story with the Daily Freier. “I feel I am a born again Yoga student. I was never flexible. I started with Ashtanga and really enjoyed the movement it had for my body. But when I go to festivals it’s all about meditation and stillness in the yoga. What about a little bit of movement in our asanas..I don’t feel I should be ‘forced’ to follow rules I don’t want for my body. I just want choices when I go to festivals.

[The Daily Freier learns something new every day. Apparently there’s also a yoga called Iyengar. Let’s take a look….]

Iyengar Students are also in protest…  Allenby-area aspiring musician Sivan says, “We have enough ropes, cushions and chairs to support all students at all festivals. We just feel marginalized as a group.”

At a national level, Netanyahu has been accused of favouring Hatha Yoga and politicizing the situation for his own benefit. One of his ministers who can’t be named for legal reasons has been quoted “Ashtanga students are yogis who have lost their way. We must ensure that every yogi returns to the fold of true Yoga.

The Knesset is due to debate whether it is safe for people to carry unlicensed yoga mats for fear of potential conflicts between rival groups of yoganauts.

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Persian man rushed to Hospital after doing Housework

Persian man does housework Daily FreierBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/8/2016 at 12:10 PM

Tel Aviv, Sourasky Medical Center: A local man suffered a brush with death yesterday, but fortunately lived to tell about it. Afshin, an Israeli of Persian heritage who grew up in Los Angeles, was rushed to the hospital after performing several minutes of housework that went horribly wrong. Afshin explained his personal trauma to the Daily Freier in the Ichilov Hospital cafeteria while taking a break from the constant procession of random cousins who stopped in to make sure he was OK and had enough to eat.

“So I was staying at my Aunt and Uncle’s house in Givatayim. And everyone was out of the house shopping I guess. And I was hungry. I sat in the living room for like an hour and no food showed up. So I decided to go into that mysterious room that my mom, aunts, grandmother, and sisters go to when they bring out food. I think it’s called…..the……the………”

The Daily Freier interjected.  “The ‘kitchen’?”

Yeah, that’s it. ‘The kitchen.’ Anyway, I went to ‘the kitchen’ to find some food. I couldn’t find much. Just six chelo kebabs, chopped salad, hummus, some soup, pita, olives, and a bowl of couscous. You know, a snack…. So when I was finished I decided that, what the heck, I would like ‘wash‘ the ‘dishes‘ I used.” Afshin paused and stared out the window into the distance. “Yeah. I know, I know. What the hell was I thinking?

Afshin continued to describe the dramatic events. “So I run the glass under really hot water.  To make it clean. But I guess glass doesn’t like to be under really hot water sometimes. And it like exploded. So my hands are all cut up. I ran outside and managed to get a taxi to the hospital…… And here I am.”

The Daily Freier asked Afshin if he learned any lessons from his personal journey. “Yeah. I am  NEVER EVER  going in the kitchen ever again. Like….EVER.

 

 

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The Karate Kid, Part IV: The Appeasement

The Karate Kid, Part IV: The Appeasement DailyFreier Israellycool[SCENE: A California Beach]

Pretty Girl: Hi! My name is Ally!

Young Man: Hi my name is Daniel. But my friends call me Barry. I’m from Hawaii.

Ally: That is so cool!

Daniel: Yes. Yes it is. Say, who is that large angry guy walking over?

Ally: OMG, that’s my ex, Johnny Khameini. He’s in that Karate Gang called Cobrazbullah Kai.  I hate him.

Johnny: Hey Ally, whose this tool?

Ally: Johnny, stop!

Daniel: It’s OK, Ally. I can reason with him. Johnny, I understand you may have some legitimate grievances against me. I’ve come to your land and now I’m trying to impose my values on….

[Johnny beats the crap out of Daniel]

Daniel: To be perfectly frank, I deserved that.

——————————————————–

[SCENE: Outside a High School Dance. Daniel is running from a gang]

Johnny: I’m gonna kick your ass Daniel!

Daniel: I don’t think you’re being very productive with that kind of talk!

[Johnny and the Cobrazbullah Kai Gang jump Daniel. An old man who looks kinda Japanese but kinda Jewish appears and fights off the attackers]

Daniel: Thank you old man, but I was just about to convince those guys that there are better ways to work out their deep-seated yet legitimate grievances. By the way, what’s your name?

Old Man: I am Mr. Bibiyagi. And you must learn to stand up for yourself and stop being such a…..such a…… Freier.

Daniel: Quite frankly, that kind of popping off is just not helpful.

Mr. Bibiyagi: (Sighs) Here, let me teach you some moves.

[Shows Daniel ‘Wax on, Wax off’]

————————————————–

[Scene: Three Months Later. A Big Karate Tournament.]

Mr. Bibiyagi: Daniel-san, are you ready to spar with Johnny Khameini?

Daniel: Yeah…. about that. Listen, Mr. Bibiyagi. I appreciate your advice, even when, quite frankly, it was wrong. And I know that you think you know a lot about karate.  But listen: I once lived in Indonesia for a year. So I know some things that you don’t necessarily know. Anyway, I came up with a better idea, so I don’t believe it’s necessary to spar with Johnny in the tournament.  Here it comes right now.

[A forklift enters the arena and drops a pallet of $100 Bills in front of Johnny]

Daniel: Here’s the money, Johnny. 400 Million. So are we cool?

Johnny (laughing): Sure we are, Daniel. Sure we are…..Until next month that is.

Daniel: That sounds fair.

Mr. Bibiyagi: Oy gevalt. [Places head in hands.Walks away]

[Fade to Black]

(This article was first published over at Israellycool!)

 

 

 

‘Narnia’, ‘Endor’, and ‘Palestine’ send teams to the Rio Olympics!

'Narnia’, ‘Endor’, and ‘Palestine’ send teams to the Rio Olympics!

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/4/2016 at 7:30 AM

Rio de Janeiro: Sports fans everywhere are kind of excited, and for good reason: this year will see several make-believe nations compete in the Olympics, to include ‘Narnia’, ‘Middle Earth’, ‘Endor’, ‘Brigadoon’, and ‘Palestine’! The Daily Freier had a chance to talk to some of the Olympic hopefuls about this exciting opportunity.

(The Daily Freier is in the Times of Israel today. Check out the whole article here!)

Couch thrown away by Tel Aviv woman now in Tinder Date’s living room

Couch thrown away by Tel Aviv woman now in Tinder Date's living room

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 8/3/2016 at 1:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Bialik Street: A complex yet disturbing chain of events played out last night in Tel Aviv that culminated in a woman discovering that the “gross” couch that she threw away on Friday has somehow found a new home in the living room of her Tinder date.  Rothschild-Area Web Designer Tamar B. found herself face to face with her former couch at the end of an evening spent getting drinks with local guy Eitan C.  This morning Tamar described the chain of events to the Daily Freier.

“I threw it away because it’s disgusting. My old housemate Noa loved it, but apparently not enough to bring it with her when she moved out.  I even waited 24 hours after she left before I got rid of that thing, just in case she came back for it.  It was so gross that my Vaad Bayit wouldn’t even take it.

Tamar expressed total disappointment with her date’s acquisition of the former couch. “This sucks. He seemed normal. I mean not ‘normal normal‘, but like ‘Tel Aviv normal‘: like he seems sane and I think he has a job and I’m kinda sure he’s straight.  Actually, I’m sure he’s straight because that chair is a stylistic Hate Crime.

When the evening led back to Eitan’s place “so he could make me a special coffee with cardamom that he learned how to make in Morocco“, Tamar experienced the horror of confronting her ex-furniture. “It was traumatic. He immediately lost 10 points.  What’s worse is that he claimed he got it at an antique shop in Yafo.  I mean…reallyI just don’t get it. Why do these things always happen to me?”

While Tamar has been mum on the final outcome of yesterday’s evening, sources within her circle of girlfriends spoke with the Daily Freier under condition of anonymity and shared screenshots of Tamar’s texts from last night

Tinder couch text Daily Freier

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Israel banned from Olympics for “Cofix Doping”

Israel Olympic Team Cofix doping Daily Freier

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 8/3/2016 at 7:00 AM

Jerusalem: There was horror and consternation in Jerusalem as news emerged that the Israelis were the second national team banned from the upcoming Rio Olympics. With Russia banned a few weeks ago for widespread doping, the Israeli team were kicked out for testing positive for another energy-boosting substance – Cofix’s five shekel ice coffee.

Well, it just goes to show that the Zionists will not stop at nothing to steal coffee beans from Palestinian bean growers, whose livelihoods have been wrecked by a Government agenda to deny them breakfast and keep them comatose.” noted UK Labor leader Jeremy Corbyn as he got ready to meet Anjem Choudary for tea.

I have never heard anything so ridiculous in my whole  life!” complained Minister of Sport Miri Regev. “Right now Tel Aviv is hotter than the surface of Jupiter. Of course my team are going to try to keep cool.  But no ice coffee?! I have heard it all.” Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu quickly blamed the rise in Islamic fundamentalism for Israelis’ growing coffee addiction. “People are drinking it like there’s no tomorrow. And Ice Coffee at five shekels is a luxury that just about everyone can afford.” he said while sipping a mojito from a balcony on the Sheraton in the Maldives.

Hurdlers, basketball players, mountain bikers, one Krav Maga enthusiast and a team of volleyball arsim were all immediately disbarred after their caffeine levels were discovered to be off the charts.  Another hopeful track star Moshe Polansky, a 100 meter sprinter from Ashkelon, protested his innocence: “I didn’t know the coffee would still be in my system, my brain froze, if anything, I am less able to function after that.” he cried, as he finished his trial 100m race in under an hour, after stopping to talk to five people at the side of the track and call his mother. He crossed the finish line as they turned the floodlights off.  Mother-of-three Rivka Goldberg from Jerusalem also learned of her ban during curling practice, with her tongue pressed to the ice as temperatures hit 102 Degrees in the Old City. In an unrelated test, a pair of professional Matkot (beach paddle ball) players were also kicked out of the tournament because of the headache that their game caused anyone within two kilometers.

With the focus now on the 2020 Olympics, the Israeli team still plans to fly to Rio as most have already rented their apartments out on AirBnB.

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