Month: August 2016

Barack Obama, Binyamin Netanyahu, Israellycool August 7, 2016March 20, 2019

The Karate Kid, Part IV: The Appeasement

[SCENE: A California Beach]

Pretty Girl: Hi! My name is Ally!

Young Man: Hi my name is Daniel. But my friends call me Barry. I’m from Hawaii.

Ally: That is so cool!

Daniel: Yes. Yes it is. Say, who is that large angry guy walking over?

Ally: OMG, that’s my ex, Johnny Khameini. He’s in that Karate Gang called Cobrazbullah Kai. I hate him.

Johnny: Hey Ally, whose this tool?

Ally: Johnny, stop!

Daniel: It’s OK, Ally. I can reason with him. Johnny, I understand you may have some legitimate grievances against me. I’ve come to your land and now I’m trying to impose my values on….

[Johnny beats the crap out of Daniel]

Daniel: To be perfectly frank, I deserved that.

——————————————————–

[SCENE: Outside a High School Dance. Daniel is running from a gang]

Johnny: I’m gonna kick your ass Daniel!

Daniel: I don’t think you’re being very productive with that kind of talk!

[Johnny and the Cobrazbullah Kai Gang jump Daniel. An old man who looks kinda Japanese but kinda Jewish appears and fights off the attackers]

Daniel: Thank you old man, but I was just about to convince those guys that there are better ways to work out their deep-seated yet legitimate grievances. By the way, what’s your name?

Old Man: I am Mr. Bibiyagi. And you must learn to stand up for yourself and stop being such a…..such a…… Freier.

Daniel: Quite frankly, that kind of popping off is just not helpful.

Mr. Bibiyagi: (Sighs) Here, let me teach you some moves.

[Shows Daniel ‘Wax on, Wax off’]

————————————————–

[Scene: Three Months Later. A Big Karate Tournament.]

Mr. Bibiyagi: Daniel-san, are you ready to spar with Johnny Khameini?

Daniel: Yeah…. about that. Listen, Mr. Bibiyagi. I appreciate your advice, even when, quite frankly, it was wrong. And I know that you think you know a lot about karate. But listen: I once lived in Indonesia for a year. So I know some things that you don’t necessarily know. Anyway, I came up with a better idea, so I don’t believe it’s necessary to spar with Johnny in the tournament. Here it comes right now.

[A forklift enters the arena and drops a pallet of $100 Bills in front of Johnny]

Daniel: Here’s the money, Johnny. 400 Million. So are we cool?

Johnny (laughing): Sure we are, Daniel. Sure we are…..Until next month that is.

Daniel: That sounds fair.

Mr. Bibiyagi: Oy gevalt. [Places head in hands.Walks away]

[Fade to Black]

(This article was first published over at Israellycool!)

Times of Israel August 4, 2016

‘Narnia’, ‘Endor’, and ‘Palestine’ send teams to the Rio Olympics!

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/4/2016 at 7:30 AM

Rio de Janeiro: Sports fans everywhere are kind of excited, and for good reason: this year will see several make-believe nations compete in the Olympics, to include ‘Narnia’, ‘Middle Earth’, ‘Endor’, ‘Brigadoon’, and ‘Palestine’! The Daily Freier had a chance to talk to some of the Olympic hopefuls about this exciting opportunity.

(The Daily Freier is in the Times of Israel today. Check out the whole article here!)

Dating and Relationships, Tel Aviv Living August 3, 2016November 3, 2019

Couch thrown away by Tel Aviv woman now in Tinder Date’s living room

Couch thrown away by Tel Aviv woman now in Tinder Date's living room By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 8/3/2016 at 1:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Bialik Street: A complex yet disturbing chain of events played out last night in Tel Aviv that culminated in a woman discovering that the “gross” couch that she threw away on Friday has somehow found a new home in the living room of her Tinder date. Rothschild-Area Web Designer Tamar B. found herself face to face with her former couch at the end of an evening spent getting drinks with local guy Eitan C. This morning Tamar described the chain of events to the Daily Freier.

“I threw it away because it’s disgusting. My old housemate Noa loved it, but apparently not enough to bring it with her when she moved out. I even waited 24 hours after she left before I got rid of that thing, just in case she came back for it. It was so gross that my Vaad Bayit wouldn’t even take it.”

Tamar expressed total disappointment with her date’s acquisition of the former couch. “This sucks. He seemed normal. I mean not ‘normal normal‘, but like ‘Tel Aviv normal‘: like he seems sane and I think he has a job and I’m kinda sure he’s straight. Actually, I’m sure he’s straight because that chair is a stylistic Hate Crime.”

When the evening led back to Eitan’s place “so he could make me a special coffee with cardamom that he learned how to make in Morocco“, Tamar experienced the horror of confronting her ex-furniture. “It was traumatic. He immediately lost 10 points. What’s worse is that he claimed he got it at an antique shop in Yafo. I mean…really? I just don’t get it. Why do these things always happen to me?”

While Tamar has been mum on the final outcome of yesterday’s evening, sources within her circle of girlfriends spoke with the Daily Freier under condition of anonymity and shared screenshots of Tamar’s texts from last night

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Cofix, Guest Writer Wednesday August 3, 2016September 30, 2016

Israel banned from Olympics for “Cofix Doping”

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 8/3/2016 at 7:00 AM

Jerusalem: There was horror and consternation in Jerusalem as news emerged that the Israelis were the second national team banned from the upcoming Rio Olympics. With Russia banned a few weeks ago for widespread doping, the Israeli team were kicked out for testing positive for another energy-boosting substance – Cofix’s five shekel ice coffee.

“Well, it just goes to show that the Zionists will not stop at nothing to steal coffee beans from Palestinian bean growers, whose livelihoods have been wrecked by a Government agenda to deny them breakfast and keep them comatose.” noted UK Labor leader Jeremy Corbyn as he got ready to meet Anjem Choudary for tea.

“I have never heard anything so ridiculous in my whole life!” complained Minister of Sport Miri Regev. “Right now Tel Aviv is hotter than the surface of Jupiter. Of course my team are going to try to keep cool. But no ice coffee?! I have heard it all.” Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu quickly blamed the rise in Islamic fundamentalism for Israelis’ growing coffee addiction. “People are drinking it like there’s no tomorrow. And Ice Coffee at five shekels is a luxury that just about everyone can afford.” he said while sipping a mojito from a balcony on the Sheraton in the Maldives.

Hurdlers, basketball players, mountain bikers, one Krav Maga enthusiast and a team of volleyball arsim were all immediately disbarred after their caffeine levels were discovered to be off the charts. Another hopeful track star Moshe Polansky, a 100 meter sprinter from Ashkelon, protested his innocence: “I didn’t know the coffee would still be in my system, my brain froze, if anything, I am less able to function after that.” he cried, as he finished his trial 100m race in under an hour, after stopping to talk to five people at the side of the track and call his mother. He crossed the finish line as they turned the floodlights off. Mother-of-three Rivka Goldberg from Jerusalem also learned of her ban during curling practice, with her tongue pressed to the ice as temperatures hit 102 Degrees in the Old City. In an unrelated test, a pair of professional Matkot (beach paddle ball) players were also kicked out of the tournament because of the headache that their game caused anyone within two kilometers.

With the focus now on the 2020 Olympics, the Israeli team still plans to fly to Rio as most have already rented their apartments out on AirBnB.

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